by Robert Bevan
“I really wish I didn’t know that about you.” Julian held up the stone to Ravenus’s beak. Ravenus accepted it and they were once again in total darkness save for the distant flicker of torchlight.
Julian suddenly felt a wave of nausea sweep over him, which passed as the cavern lit up again. The stone lay on the ground in front of Ravenus.
“What was that?” said Julian, crouching down with his hand over his belly. “What’s wrong?”
Ravenus flapped his wings and shook his head. “It tastes like Cooper.”
“That’s worse than dead sheep eyes?”
“Why don’t you go lick him and tell me which you prefer?”
Julian looked at Cooper, who was staring blankly back at him, and shuddered. He grabbed his wineskin. No. He needed something stronger.
“Cooper. Do you have any of that dwarf booze that Dave was drinking?”
“Stonepiss?” said Cooper. “Yeah. I swiped a flask from his bag while he was praying yesterday morning. It’s some strong fucking shit.”
“Good,” said Julian. “Give it here.”
Cooper handed over a steel hip flask. Julian unstoppered the flask and sniffed.
“Jesus wept! You’re not kidding.” He poured the stonepiss over the light stone in the hope that it would neutralize whatever funk and superbacteria Cooper had infected it with through the mere act of touching it. Then he poured some of his own wine over the stone to take the edge off of the stonepiss.
“Try this.” Julian held the stone up to Ravenus. After a quick peck, the cave went dark, and this time it stayed dark. Julian’s stomach gave a small rumble of objection, but it wasn’t unmanageable.
“Fly ahead,” Julian said to Ravenus. “When you enter the chamber, fly up to the ceiling and try to find a perch or something. Wait for me to give the order, and then drop the stone. Okay?”
With a small disturbance in the air and the sound of flapping wings, Ravenus was gone.
Julian took Cooper’s arm. “Okay,” he whispered. “Let’s go.”
As they approached the twin torchlights, a third fire came into view in the center of the chamber. It was a small campfire, burning just brightly enough to illuminate the three creatures standing on the other side of it.
The creature on the left made some excited yipping noises and pointed its staff at Julian and Cooper as they passed between the torches. Julian let go of Cooper’s arm. He could see well enough now.
“Are those cobalts?” Julian whispered, not looking away from the three figures.
“Kobolds,” Cooper whispered back.
“Whatever. Is that what those things are?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”
“They’re kind of cute.” Said Julian. “Try not to look threatening. Let’s try to talk to them.”
Cooper hugged his axe.
“Hi there, little guy,” said Julian to the creature in the center. He took it to be their leader, due to its Billy goat beard and the fact that it stood up straight, looking confident despite its lack of any visible weaponry.
The creature on the right gave three sharp yips and thrust its spearhead toward Julian. He didn’t need to be a linguist to understand the message.
Julian held his quarterstaff to one side, and raised his other hand to show it concealed no other weapon. He and Cooper stepped forward slowly. “We don’t want to hurt you.”
“We don’t?” said Cooper.
“Look at them, Cooper.” The creatures backed away from the fire as Julian and Cooper approached. The one with the spear continued to prod it forward and yip threateningly. “They’re scared. We can’t kill them. They look like little Jar-Jars.”
“You’re not making a very compelling case against killing them.”
When Julian and Cooper reached the fire, the creature in the center spoke. He sounded like Stephen Hawking, if Stephen Hawking was a Chihuahua.
Julian and Cooper looked at one another. The awkward silence that followed was soon interrupted by another high-pitched voice beyond the light of the fire, but this one spoke in the common tongue.
“He says that you will be permitted to leave with your lives, but not with your weapons, your belongings, or your dignity.”
The elder kobold smiled. Julian had seen enough movies about prison rape to know this smile for what it was. He noticed that both of his hands were now wrapped tightly around his quarterstaff.
Julian whispered, trying to keep his lips as still as possible. “Are you sure these things are as weak as you think they are?”
“Yeah,” said Cooper. “But I’m not sure about how many of them there are in here. If you had some sort of plan in mind, now might be a good time to set it into motion.”
Julian looked up and shouted, “Ravenus, now!”
A loud caw echoed from the top of the chamber, and the three kobolds directly in front of Julian and Cooper glanced up nervously.
“Ow!” said Cooper as an ordinary stone bounced off of his head.
The kobolds went into fits of laughter. The old one in the middle sounded like a car engine that didn’t want to turn over.
Cooper rubbed the top of his head and looked up. “He did that on purpose.”
“I’m sure he didn’t,” said Julian.
“Why isn’t your rock glowing anymore?”
“Spell duration must have expired.”
“Well can you light up another –”
“Cooper!” Julian whispered urgently.
“Huh?”
“Be careful. I think the one at your eleven o’clock is a spellcaster.”
“Which one is that?”
“Eleven o’clock. Like on a watch.”
“I can’t tell time.”
“Jesus, dude. The Mississippi public school system must have sucked even worse when you went through it than when I did.”
“I’m illiterate, asshole. I can’t read letters or numbers. It’s part of being a barbarian.”
“Oh, right. Sorry. It’s the one on the left.”
“Your left or mine?”
“We’re both facing the same direction!”
Cooper laughed. “Oh yeah… I meant my left or its –”
“He’s the one casting the fucking spell right now!”
“Huh?” said Cooper. He turned to the kobold on the left. It was making a whiny moaning chant that sounded like it was recalling getting a severe kick to the nuts. Its hands began to shine blue light.
Cooper punched it in the face. It was a quick, left-handed jab, but it sent the creature to the floor.
The old one wheezed out a couple of barks, and Julian heard movement behind him. He picked up the stone and repeated his incantation. “Light.”
The two kobolds in front of them shielded their eyes from the sudden brightness, but Julian turned around to find four more standing behind them, all armed with spears.
He dropped the stone and held his quarterstaff like a baseball bat. “Take it easy guys. Which one of you speaks English?”
“Common,” said Cooper.
“What?”
“One of them speaks Common. There is no English.”
“Whatever. Which one of you can understand what I’m saying?”
“I can understand you, elf.” The voice didn’t come from any of the Kobolds that Julian could see. The elder kobold made some yaps and barks, and the voice translated. “This is your last chance. Drop your weapons and your bags, leave this cave, and do not return.”
Cooper lifted the front of his loincloth and waved his cock around at the elder. He spoke slowly and loudly. “You can suck my balls.” He pointed a finger at his balls to make sure the message got across.
Diplomacy was probably off the table at this point.
Cooper’s cock-wagging was interrupted by a series of commands.
“Yip!”
“Bark!”
“Yap!”
Thwack.
“Son of a bitch!” said Cooper as a smooth round stone bounced off his t
emple.
They weren’t screwing around anymore. That stone had been propelled by something more powerful than one of these guys’ scrawny reptilian arms. Blood streamed down the side of Cooper’s face.
“Looks like we’re going to have to fight our way out of here after all,” said Julian. “You’d better do your barbarian rage thing.”
“Okay,” said Cooper. He wiped some blood away from his eye. “I’m really angry.”
As soon as he’d said the words, his muscles bulged and grew veiny. If he’d been wearing a shirt, it probably would have ripped. The whites of his eyes turned red with fury and blood.
The effect was not lost on the kobold leader, who ditched his young subordinate and ran into the darkness. He was replaced by three more spear guards, none of whom looked to be very happy about their chances of making it through the impending battle alive.
None of the kobolds wanted to make the first move, but someone was bound to, and soon. Julian still didn’t want to actually kill anyone, but his options were running out. An idea came to him.
“Sleep!” he said.
Six of the kobolds surrounding them collapsed instantly to the ground. The remaining two yawned, but shook it off. Cooper kicked one in the face. It did a backward somersault through the air and landed face down. It did not get up again.
The last one took a desperate stab at Julian’s waist, but he swerved his hips in time to dodge it. He swung his quarterstaff around and felt the crunch of it smashing into the side of the kobold’s head. It crumpled into a heap on the cavern floor.
“Shit,” said Julian. “You don’t think I…”
“He’ll be all right,” said Cooper. “Come on. Let’s go find the –”
Another stone hit Cooper in the shoulder. It left a nasty welt.
“You sons of bitches!” he shouted. He charged off in the direction the stone had come from.
“Cooper, wait!” Julian shouted after him, but Cooper had already left the sphere of light provided by the stone. Julian felt suddenly alone and very vulnerable. He considered putting the stone in his pocket, but didn’t like the thought of being alone in the darkness any more than he liked being the only visible target in the light.
From the direction Cooper had stomped off in, Julian hear the sounds of a brief scuffle, Cooper swearing a lot, and something like a cat with its tail caught in a food processor.
A kobold flew toward Julian, but landed just short of him and not on its feet. Its short flight had apparently not been of its own volition. It flipped onto its back and scrambled away from Julian. In its hand it clutched a small length of rope with a leather pocket tied in the center. The pocket was just about large enough to accommodate one of the stones that Cooper had been being pelted with.
Julian kicked the creature in the gut. It curled into a ball, vomited on Julian’s shoes and passed out.
“Nicely done,” said Cooper, walking back into the light.
“There’s still at least two more,” said Julian. The leader and whoever was translating for him. Maybe we should just cut our losses and –” He dropped to one knee and looked up at toward the ceiling.
“What’s wrong?” asked Cooper.
“Ravenus!”
“What about him?”
“He’s not with me.”
“Relax,” said Cooper. “He’s probably off somewhere fucking a bat or something.”
“No,” said Julian. “I mean his mind. We share feelings. I can’t feel anything from him right now. I guess I haven’t for a while. Why wasn’t he down here fighting with us?”
“Have no fear, elf,” said the voice that spoke the common tongue. “Your bird is unharmed for now.”
Julian turned toward the direction the voice was coming from. “Where is he? What have you done with him?”
“To be honest, I didn’t think holding your pet bird was a strong enough card to play, but I see you really care about it. Perhaps we can come to an arrangement.”
Julian dropped his quarterstaff and raised his hands. “What do you want?”
“That’s a good start. Now the orc.”
Julian looked pleadingly at Cooper. Cooper nodded, bent down, and set his axe on the ground. He picked up a couple of stones, including the light stone, which he tossed in the invisible voice’s direction.
A new section of the chamber lit up. The walls were purposefully carved. The elder kobold stood behind a stone altar, holding a dagger over Ravenus, who slept peacefully on top of it.
To the left of the altar stood an obese kobold with colorful tattoos all over its face. It offered Julian and Cooper a smug grin.
“We finally meet. My name is –”
“Fuck your name,” said Cooper. “Give my friend back his bird or I’ll rip your heart out through your asshole.”
“You are not in a position to negotiate,” said the fat kobold. “One thrust of that dagger will end that bird’s life.”
“I don’t give a shit about the bird,” said Cooper. “And my friend here will get over it.”
“Come on,” Julian pleaded with Cooper. “Let’s just give them what they want and leave. You don’t understand the bond between a wizard and his familiar.”
The fat kobold grinned.
“I’m sorry, Julian,” said Cooper. “This might sting a little.” He threw the remaining stone in his hand at Ravenus.
Julian winced at a phantom pain in his side. “Dammit, Cooper!” He punched Cooper repeatedly in the arm. “You stupid selfish piece of sh –”
He was cut off by a loud caw, which was followed by a scream that sounded like a buzz saw cutting through a sheet of steel.
Julian stopped punching Cooper and turned toward the altar. Ravenus was flapping wildly on the elder kobold’s face, beak deep in its left eye socket. Having secured his prize, he flew away as the elder kobold collapsed behind the altar.
Cooper held up a hand, and Ravenus landed on it.
“We square, bird?”
Ravenus greedily slurped down the eyeball. Julian nearly threw up watching the bleeding optic nerve flap around before disappearing down Ravenus’s throat.
Julian, Cooper, and Ravenus turned their attention to the fat kobold. Its grin was gone, and a stream of urine trickled down its right leg.
They walked a few yards away from one another as they approached the last kobold, so that he had nowhere to run to.
Cooper towered over it. “My friend didn’t want to kill you guys before. He may have changed his mind since then, but I honestly don’t give a fuck. I will tear you limb from fucking limb. I will tear off your nuts and feed them to you. Tell me where you keep your treasure.”
The kobold turned its nose up at Cooper. It was trembling, but it managed to keep its voice steady. “I’ll tell you nothing,” it spat. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“Seriously?” said Julian. “Because frankly, I’m a little frightened of him right now.”
“Why you fat little shitbag,” said Cooper, raising a fist.
“Hold on, Cooper,” said Julian. “Let me try.”
“If it’s not afraid of me, what makes you think it’s going to be afraid of you?” asked Cooper. “I mean, no offense, but you’re not exactly a scary-looking dude.”
“I took a couple ranks in Intimidation.”
“What the fuck for?”
“It was a Charisma-based skill.”
“Knock yourself out.”
Julian turned to the kobold. “Now listen, you.” He pointed a finger at it sternly. “You’d better look like talking, or else I’m going to –”
“All right! All right!” the kobold pleaded, dropping to its knees. “I’ll talk.”
Cooper sighed. “I don’t fucking believe this.”
“Our valuables are stored in a small chamber to the right of the cave entrance.”
Ravenus looked at Cooper.
“I’ll wipe that smirk right off your face, bird.”
“It’s just sitting there unguarded?” asked Ju
lian.
“The guards were the four that surrounded you from behind.”
“Oh,” said Julian. “Cool. Thanks.” He gave the kobold a swift smack in the head with his quarterstaff, bent down to feel for a pulse, and stood up again. “You guys ready?”
*
“Sixty-seven copper coins, and three silver,” moaned Cooper.
“Hey,” said Julian, digging through a rotted wooden chest full of garbage. “There’s a little vial in here. I think it’s a potion.”
“What kind?”
“I don’t know.”
“Does it have a label?”
Julian rubbed some dirt off the side of the vial with his thumb. “It says ‘Cure light wounds’.”
“Sweet,” said Cooper. “Give it here. Those rocks really fucked me up.”
Julian handed the vial to Cooper, who gulped the contents down, shoving his tongue as far as he could into it to lap up any residue left on the sides.
“I don’t feel any better,” said Cooper.
“That’s because I lied,” said Julian. “The label actually said ‘Truth serum’.”
“You know, there’s a certain irony in that.”
“I want to know why you hate Ravenus so much, and now you have to be honest with me.”
“Fuck you, dude. How’s that for honesty?”
“Come on. Spill it. You’ve hated him ever since he became my familiar. What’s the deal?”
Cooper sat on the ground and lowered his giant head. “I’m jealous, all right? We’ve been delivering pizzas together for like two years now. We always hang out, watch movies, get fucked-up together. And then on the second day we arrive in fantasy land, you start spending all your time with a fucking bird. I’m insecure. My feelings hurt easily.”
“Dude,” said Julian as comfortingly as he could. “Ravenus can’t replace you. He’s my familiar. It’s hard to explain. He’s his own person, but he’s also an extension of me.”
“Is that sort of like the God and Jesus relationship?”
“Yeah. Well probably. I don’t know. I’m Jewish.”
“Oh right,” said Cooper. He stood up. “We should probably get out of here before all of those kobolds wake up.”
Julian followed him out of the entrance of the cave. Ravenus launched himself into the fresh midmorning air.