by Robert Bevan
"We're fucked," said Dave.
"No we're not," said Tim. "Just keep quiet and stay calm. We'll think of something before they get here."
"What does it sound like?" Julian asked Cooper.
"What does what sound like?"
"Orcish," said Julian. "You can't understand us when we speak Elven, but to those of us who can understand it, it sounds like British English. So I wanted to know. What does the Orcish language sound like to you?"
Cooper scratched under his arm as he thought about it. "The shrimp guy," he said finally.
"Seriously?" said Tim.
"Who's the shrimp guy?" asked Julian.
"He's an old Vietnamese guy who sells shrimp out of the back of his van on highway 90," said Dave. "He's got a bit of an accent, but his English is pretty good."
"You guys shut up," said Julian. "A group of them is coming this way.
Tim lay flat on his back with his crossbow on his chest. He groped around in his bag until he finally pulled out a bolt. He carefully pulled back the string until the weapon clicked. "If it comes to a fight, you guys jump up before me. I'll want to get in at least one sneak attack."
The others nodded. Julian held his breath as the four orcs continued to move toward them. The sweat under his robes was warm and sticky, but the sweat on his forehead felt refreshingly cool.
"How far off are they?" Dave whispered.
"I don't know," said Tim. "To me it sounds like they're right on top of us. Can you hear them?"
Dave and Cooper shook their heads.
"Good," said Julian, relieved. "Then they're probably still a good ways away." Tim's ears were nearly as sensitive as Julian's. It was easy to misjudge distance in times of extreme duress.
"Fuck it," said Dave. He was sweating like a rapist, and beginning to shiver. "I can't take it anymore. I say we take these four down and rush toward one of the groups on the side. If we can keep fighting them while they're in groups of four, we'll have a better shot at running away once they start to gather together." He looked at Tim.
Tim looked at Julian, and then at Cooper.
"I'm with Dave," said Cooper.
"Damn," said Tim. "I never thought I'd hear that. Julian?"
Julian shrugged. "Whatever."
"Count of three," said Tim. He held up one finger, then a second.
Before Tim could raise a third finger, a horrible noise echoed through the night air, full of snarls and phlegmy growls. Tim put his hand down. The orcs started moving in the opposite direction.
"What was that?" asked Tim.
"The orc leader, I guess," said Julian.
Everyone looked at Cooper.
"Well," said Tim. "What did he say?"
"I couldn't make it out," said Cooper. "It was too faint."
"Shit," said Julian. "It sounded like someone throwing up and sneezing at the same time."
"All right," said Cooper. "That means 'Get back to your post. There's a target approaching from the north.'"
"Really?" said Tim.
Cooper nodded.
"That's what the shrimp guy sounds like to you?" asked Dave.
"Sort of," said Cooper. "Except that I can understand the orcs."
"What do you think?" said Julian.
"I think Cooper's a racist."
"Fuck you, Dave," said Cooper.
"Would you guys shut up?" said Julian. "I mean what do you think we should do now?"
"The plan was to ambush the orcs during their ambush," said Tim.
"Yeah, I remember," said Dave. "That plan seemed a lot less scary a couple of hours ago."
"If we do nothing," said Julian, "we're just sentencing some poor schlubs to an untimely death. Are you comfortable with that?"
Dave wiped the sweat from his brow with his leopard-spotted furry forearm. "I'm not completely uncomfortable with it."
"If we don't act now," said Tim, "we'll just be back at square one, but with a few more innocent deaths on our conscience. I say we –"
"Holy shit!" shouted Cooper without regard for the noise he was making. He jumped to his feet.
"Cooper!" said Julian. "Get down!" He chanced a peek up at the orcs who had indeed turned around. "They're going to see –"
Julian was suddenly engulfed in a shockwave of reverberating air. A roar like a moose being fucked by a whale in a cave rumbled low, but loudly, from behind him. His insides shook. Julian knew he had to turn around, but the fleeing orcs strongly suggested that he wasn't going to like what he saw when he did so.
He turned around. "What the fuck is that?" The beast stood on its hind legs, brown and furry and huge. At this distance, he couldn’t make out exactly how big it was, but it was easily more than twice as tall as a man.
"It's a bear," said Dave.
"Screw you, man," said Julian. "I've been to the zoo. That's no fucking bear."
"It's a dire bear."
"Dire bear?" Even in the presence of enormous furry death, Julian couldn't help but laugh. "Are you fucking with me?"
"Does that not look dire to you?"
"We'll talk about it later," said Tim. "Let's go!"
Cooper scooped up Tim in one arm and Julian in the other.
"Hey guys!" shouted Dave, huffing as he stomped after him on his short, thick legs.
"Put me down, Cooper!" said Julian.
Cooper stopped and looked back at the bear. It dropped down to stand on all four of its legs and the earth shook beneath them. It started moving toward them.
"You're not fast enough," said Cooper. "Hell, I'm probably not fast enough."
"You keep running," said Julian. "I'll summon up a horse for me and Dave."
"I don't know," said Cooper. "What if –"
"It's a good plan!" shouted Tim from under Cooper's arm. "Just fucking do it already. Go!"
Cooper started running.
Julian waved his hand in a small circle before his face. "Horse!" he said.
Dave caught up just as a white stallion materialized out of the air. "Hey. Thanks for –" He flew backwards through the air like he'd been shot from a cannon.
"Dave!" Julian ran over to him. He looked up to check on the bear. It was moving slowly in their direction, sniffing the air.
"Fucking horses," Dave moaned as he propped himself up on his elbows. There was a second hoof-shaped indentation in the breastplate. If it had been a little straighter, he might have been able to pass it off as a deliberate design.
"You know you're not supposed to approach them from behind," said Julian. He reached down to help Dave to his feet.
"I didn't approach it at all!"
"Just make sure you don't wear that armor around a stable. People will think you're retarded."
Dave looked back toward the bear. "Shit," he said. "I think Teddy has a taste for horse."
The ground shook. The bear was running at them. Hind legs reaching past forelegs as it bounded forward. "Come on, man. Get on the horse!"
"I can't!" shouted Dave. "I'm too short!"
Julian wove his fingers together to offer Dave a boost. Dave struggled, but couldn't manage to get his other leg over the horse's back. Julian let go.
"Shit!"
"What are we going to do?" asked Dave.
"I've got an idea," said Julian.
The bear had halved the distance between them. Julian pulled a coil of rope out of his bag. He tied one end around his waist and climbed into the saddle.
"Does your idea involve me at all?" asked Dave anxiously.
"Hold this," said Julian, tossing Dave the other end of the rope. "And try to keep your chin up."
Dave caught the rope. "Huh?"
"Yah!" shouted Julian. The horse bolted forward. Julian looked back at Dave, who was just standing there staring at the end of the rope like it was his dick in his hand. "Hold on, Dave!"
Dave appeared to have caught on just in time. Right before the rope pulled taut, Dave wrapped it around his leopard-spotted forearm and grabbed it with the other hand as well. He sai
led forward over the same ten-foot patch of earth that he had, only a moment before, sailed backward behind.
Up ahead, Cooper and Tim were almost to the trees. The orcs running ahead of them had already disappeared into the forest. Once they made it there, they would have some time to breathe. There was no way that big-ass bear would be able to move so fast through the trees.
While Julian was gaining on Cooper, the bear was gaining on him a lot faster. Dave's armor would probably have glided on the grass a lot more smoothly if it didn't have two hoofprints in it. It didn't matter. They would all make it into the trees with seconds to spare.
Julian was looking back at the approaching bear when his heart sank down to his feet. The horse took flight briefly. His heart started beating again when hooves met earth, but he only had time to spot the rock the horse had leapt over a split-second before Dave met it with his face. Julian felt the rope jerk him around the waist as he flew off the back of the horse.
Shit.
Julian hit the ground hard. Not so hard as Dave's face had hit that rock, but hard enough that he scarcely had time to figure out which way was up before the bear monster reached Dave.
From a distance, the beast had looked big, but only now that it was right up next to him did Julian fully appreciate the size of this creature. It was like being engulfed in a furry brown tsunami.
It sniffed at Dave with nostrils that Julian could have stuck his whole head in without messing up his hair. Julian didn't know if Dave was playing dead or actually dead, but whichever it was, it seemed to be working out well enough for him. Julian let his head drop to the ground, closed his eyes, and hoped for the best.
Playing dead was a lot more difficult than Julian expected it would be. With eight thousand pounds of fur and claws and teeth sniffing around him, lying still went against his basest instincts. The only reason he existed at all was because thousands of generations of natural selection had filtered out most of the people whose instincts, when presented with a giant bear, said anything but "You get the fuck out of here!" Add to that the effort he had to expend not to cry or piss himself, and playing dead was a remarkably astounding feat.
The ground shook as the bear smashed a car-sized paw into the earth toward him. Its breathing sounded like Darth Vader with a sinus infection. It felt like wind blowing the heat of a bonfire at his skin. And the smell. It was like a sewer filled knee-deep with dead bodies and fish. If Julian survived, he would add 'not vomiting' to his list of accomplishments during this encounter.
And then the rancid hot breath was gone. Julian chanced a breath and a peek. The big bastard was up on its hind legs, its giant bear dick looking down at him. The roar this animal let out was so long and loud that Julian wasn't sure if he was deaf or not until it ended. That was all Julian's bladder could take. It let go. So did the bear's. In the space of about five seconds, Julian had been sprayed with enough bear piss to swim in if it had been contained.
"Yah!" shouted Tim. Julian wiped the bear piss out of his eyes in time to see Tim hauling ass toward the trees on the back of his horse. The bear gave chase, and Julian could just barely make out a tiny crossbow bolt poking out of its back. It might as well have been a sewing needle for all the damage it did, but it got the bear's attention.
Julian got up and ran over to Dave. His face was covered in blood. His nose was smashed in, but he was breathing. Julian slapped him on the cheek a couple of times. Wet, sticky, bloody slaps. Dave moaned and Julian sighed in relief.
"Come on, man. Get up!"
"My face," Dave groaned.
"Dude," said Julian. "You're a cleric. Heal yourself."
Dave winced as he brought a fingertip to his cheek. "I... heal... thee." It was all he could do to get out the words, but it was enough. He moaned in a mixture of agony and ecstasy, like he was having an orgasm while his nose sprouted back out like an inflating balloon. "Damn that feels good!"
Julian helped Dave to his feet. "Let's go. Tim and Cooper are sandwiched between a horde of orcs and a giant bear."
Dave nodded. They both started running. Julian easily outpaced Dave, but he had no time to waste. The bear was tearing through trees like they were made out of balsa wood. It roared and stood on its hind legs every now and again as it was hit with an arrow or bolt, presumably fired by Tim and any number of scared orcs.
"Julian!" Dave cried out from behind him. Whatever it was could wait. As soon as Julian made it to the tree line, he would fire a –
Julian felt like he had just been smacked in the gut with a piece of swinging rebar. It knocked him off of his feet and he landed on his back. He looked down at his abdomen and remembered that he still had an umbilical cord between himself and Dave. He turned around to find that Dave, too, had fallen. Oops.
"Sorry!" Julian shouted as he hastily untied the rope from around his waist.
Dave got up and started moving again, pulling the rope into loops as he ran. Julian, now no longer attached to Dave, broke off to the right, giving the bear a wide berth. It wasn't paying any attention to him, but this wasn't the sort of creature you gambled with.
When he made it to the trees, he had a better view of the action. Tim and Cooper were right there alongside the orcs. They must have put their differences aside to deal with the common threat. Tim took pot shots at the bear with his crossbow, for whatever that was worth, but Cooper dared not close in with his axe. They all backed off at the same pace as the bear tore down trees. A couple of them made to back out of the fight entirely, but an authoritative voice shouted what Julian guessed must be the Orcish equivalent of "You'd better get your asses back in there," and they took up their positions once again in the front line trying futilely to stab at the bear.
"Ravenus!" Julian shouted.
"Up here," said the bird.
Julian looked up and found Ravenus perched on the branch of a tree just behind him. "Fly ahead and find out who's coming up the road," said Julian. "Try to talk to them. If any of them speak Elven, tell them about the orcs, and tell them about our current situation. If they've got any strength to them, see if you can't get them to come and help us out."
"Right away," said Ravenus. He flapped up through the treetops and into the night.
Julian had a couple of Magic Missiles at his disposal, but those weren't likely to decide whether that huge bear lived or died. They might, however, decide the fate of a few orcs in the meantime. He moved deeper into the forest, trying to stay out of sight and assess the orc threat. There wouldn't be much point in taking out the spear-wielding orcs on the front line next to Tim and Cooper. But an archer... yes, he might be able to take down an archer or two before the bear situation was resolved without the rest of the orcs even noticing. And he could pick up a bow as well.
He took a moment to look for an orc archer who wouldn't be missed immediately if he suddenly dropped dead. The one nearest him looked like a good enough target. Only about fifty feet away – well within the range of a Magic Missile – and the next one beyond him was another thirty feet away still. Pick them off one by one, Sergeant York style.
He focused on his first target. The orc was pulling back his bowstring, taking aim at the massive bear. Julian whispered the words "Magic Missile" and a small glowing yellow bolt of energy materialized in the air beside him and hovered. He waited until the orc loosed its arrow.
The arrow flew, joining a few dozen more sticking out of the dire bear, which was now beginning to look like a dire porcupine. Attention back to the orc.
"Have some!" said Julian, and the glowing arrow homed in on its target. It hit the orc in the side, just below his ribs, and exploded in a shower of sparks.
The orc's reaction was not exactly what Julian was expecting. It shouted a single orcish syllable. Julian didn't have to understand orcish to make a pretty good guess as to what it might have translated to. It looked down at the softball-sized third degree burn on its side, and then it looked up at Julian. The one thing it did not do, however – the one thing Julian had b
een counting on – was fall down and die. Shit.
The orc looked pissed. Not the normal kind of 'someone-just-shot-me' kind of pissed. This was a special kind of pissed that Julian had only seen in one other person before. The whites of its eyes turned blood red. Its bare arms and pectoral muscles hulked out and grew veiny. Julian knew what this was. Barbarian rage. Double shit.
The enraged orc ran at Julian nearly as fast as one of the arrows it had shot. As it ran, it pulled a large rusty sword from a sheath on its back.