by Robert Bevan
Dave shut his eyes and wobbled on his feet. “Dude, you really should have cleaned that up by now.”
“Evidence!” said Esteban.
“Is it true?” the magistrate asked Cooper. He was calm and stern, seemingly unaffected by the funk. “Are you responsible for that?”
“I won’t insult your honor by denying it. I am responsible. I thought it was a toilet.”
A snort escaped through the magistrate’s nose, and soon grew to a full-blown gale of laughter. He slapped Cooper on the back. “An easy mistake to make, considering the state of this place.”
Bartleby and Krabb joined in the laughter.
Esteban and Razorback stood silent and stunned, like they’d just been kicked in the nuts by a ghost.
When his laughter subsided, Magistrate Farnsworth wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. “You had something you wanted to share with me?”
“Indeed I do, your honor,” said Cooper. “These men, Esteban and Razorback, have been running corpses to the Swamp of Shadows, to be consumed by the lizardman tribe of Q’abbatt.”
Any residual giggles from Bartleby and Krabb instantly evaporated.
“Is this true?” the magistrate demanded of Esteban.
“Of course not, your honor,” said Esteban. He had mustered some confidence back into his slithery tongue. “It’s preposterous to think that –”
“Furthermore,” said Cooper. “They coerced us into attempting to murder the crazy old man who resides along the borderlands. I’m pleased to inform you that we failed in that task.”
“The mad old hermit?” asked Krabb. “That guy’s hilarious.”
Magistrate Farnsworth shut him up with a sideways glance.
“He even went so far as to threaten to murder a human child and frame us for the deed.”
“These are serious accusations, Mr. Cooper,” said Farnsworth. “Have you any proof of what you claim?”
Cooper stood tall. “Only my honor, and my word that what I say is the truth.”
“Pwah!” spat Esteban. “This miscreant’s word against mine! I am Kingsguard. I have served His Majesty faithfully for a dozen years. Surely my word is worth something.”
“I’m afraid he’s right, Mr. Cooper,” said Farnsworth. “I’m sorry, but I’ll need more to go on than your word alone.”
Cooper put his arm around the magistrate’s shoulder. “You don’t need to trust my word alone. Use your Sense Motive skill, and see for yourself that he tries to deceive you.”
The magistrate’s face was flushed. He was beginning to sweat. “I… I beg your pardon? Use my what?”
Cooper leaned in close, whispering in the magistrate’s ear. “You needn’t trust anything but the Wisdom in your own heart.” He placed a clawed fingertip gently at the center of Farnsworth’s chest.
“I don’t… It’s… well… I’ve never been with a man before.” Farnsworth’s index finger trailed along the muscles of Cooper’s back. Julian was relieved to sit this session out as the group spokesman, but he hoped Cooper would hurry things along a bit. There was no telling how long that potion would last.
“Huh?” said Cooper, backing off just a bit. Tim punched him in the ass. “Oh, right. Um… look into your own heart, and look into his. You can make an Untrained Skill Check.”
“A what?”
“Ask him again if my accusation is true,” said Cooper. “And see his lie unveil itself before you.”
“This is preposterous!” cried Esteban.
Farnsworth stepped away from Cooper, piercing Esteban with his steely grey stare. “Tell me, Kingsguard. Is there any truth to Mr. Cooper’s accusations?”
“Of course not,” said Esteban, his back pressed against the wall. “I would never… you must believe me. I couldn’t…”
Farnsworth stared at Esteban for what seemed like an eternity. “Bartleby! Krabb!” he finally said. “Strip this man of his pauldrons. Secure him and the lizardman in manacles, and escort them to the courthouse. They shall stand trial for treason, attempted murder, conspiracy, and whatever else I can think of between now and then.”
“Right away, sir!” said Bartleby.
Esteban and Razorback whined and protested, but ultimately surrendered, making no act of physical resistance. When they were gone, Farnsworth turned his attention back to Cooper, his grey eyes having turned from steely to bashful.
“Now, Mr. Cooper,” he said, running a finger between Cooper’s huge, shiny pectoral muscles. “What is it you were saying about the wisdom of the heart?”
A small fart broke the awkward silence which followed, like someone stepping on the edge of a whoopee cushion.
“Egads, man!” said Farnsworth. “What was that?”
“It was Dave,” said Cooper.
“It most certainly was not!” said Dave.
A mole appeared on Cooper’s back, with two thick hairs sprouting out of it.
“Shit,” said Julian. “Cooper, it’s time to go.”
“It’s rude to leave so abruptly, without a proper goodbye,” said Cooper. “Sir, It’s been a pleasure getting to know you, but my friends and I really must be leaving now. I would be most honored if –”
“Cinderella,” said Julian. “The fucking ball is about to end!”
“Huh?” said Cooper. A tiny belch escaped is lips. “Oh!”
“Let’s go!” said Tim. He and Julian grabbed him by the arms and rushed him out the door, leaving behind a befuddled and profoundly unsatisfied magistrate.
“Visit me at the courthouse!” Farnsworth called out after them. “My chamber doors are always open!”
Ravenus was perched on the shop sign outside. He stirred awake as the group burst through the front door, out into the street. “What’s the hurry, sir?”
“Cooper’s potions are about to run out,” said Julian. “We’ve got to get him away from here.”
They made it two blocks before Cooper doubled over, clutching his stomach, and fell to the ground. A few passers-by looked their way curiously.
“Help me drag him into the alley,” said Tim. “Nobody needs to see whatever’s about to happen.
Strangely enough, no one seemed to care that three dudes were dragging a fourth dude, crippled with pain, into an alley.
“Fuck,” Cooper moaned.
It happened all at once. Cooper shat, farted, sneezed, belched, vomited, and pissed himself.
“The fuck was that?” said Dave.
“I think Cooper just exploded,” said Tim.
“Cooper?” said Julian. “Are you okay?”
He was back to his old self, as disgusting and wretched as ever. He opened his eyes. “That was… cathartic.”
“So what now?” said Dave. “Back to the Whore’s Head?”
“I was thinking we could stop at a bath house,” said Tim. “Get cleaned up, have a tall, cold glass of temporary memory loss.”
“And how do you propose we pay for that?” said Julian. “We’re flat broke. Hell, Dave’s almost naked.”
“It’s Razorback’s treat,” said Tim. “While Obi-Wan was dry-humping Cooper, I snuck round the back of the counter and snagged a few ornate daggers.” He opened his vest, revealing the hilts.
Cooper got to his feet. “Well if there’s anything that takes the edge off of being fondled by an old man, it’s booze paid for with stolen money. Come on guys. Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1399.”
The End.
If this was your first time in the world of Caverns and Creatures, please do not be alarmed. You can get some answers to your questions by reading the novels…
Critical Failures
Critical Failures II: Fail Harder
If you enjoyed these stories, please leave a review. It would mean so much to me.
For quotes, updates, and news about future releases (or just to drop by for a chat), feel free to like my Facebook author page, or visit the Caverns and Creatures website.
Thank you.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgements:
Cave of the Kobolds
Orcs, Bears, and Assholes
Shipfaced
Dungeon Crawl
The Creep on the Borderlands