by Abby Gale
“Don’t. I can stay,” I protested, bringing his hand to my round belly before adding, “We can stay.”
He rubbed my belly and smiled sadly when our son kicked his hand like he felt his touch. “You’re too good for me. You’ve changed me, but not enough, Angel. I can’t be the man you want me to be.”
“But I want you just like the way you are.”
“He won’t… and I’m not gonna create another me. He deserves someone he can be proud of, he can trust, and he can depend on… I’m not any of them.”
“Mike…”
“Enough, Angel. You’re leaving before William comes.”
“Will there be anyone else?” I whispered, couldn’t help myself.
“I’ve never lied to you, Angel. Don’t force me to do that now.”
“Did you love me, Mike? Like… really?” I whispered without looking into his eyes, but I had to hear it again even though I knew the answer without a doubt.
“Yes… you could have been my ticket from hell,” he told me before cradling my face into his hands. “But for the first time in my life I’m gonna do the right thing and won’t be selfish. You need to go.”
I didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t have to answer him when we heard a sound; the door was opened.
“Fuck,” Mike breathed out. Giving me his car keys he pushed me toward the bedroom. “Go, change your clothes and leave.
I watched him as he rushed to the entry where living room was. Curiosity got the better of me I followed him. There was a girl with violet hair, lying on the couch, but I couldn’t see her face. Moving to get a better view I stopped dead on my track. My body froze, my feet were chained to the floor.
Dawn… my sister…
Mike’s new target was my sister.
“No,” I rasped.
Mike’s head snapped back to me in shock and anger. Sending daggers to my way he grunted “Go to the kitchen and prepare something to eat, slut. I’m starving.”
I took a few steps backward, forcing myself to think something.
“I’m amazed you still haven’t gotten bored and killed her.” I heard William’s voice, half-amused half-disgusted.
“Did you see those tits? That ass of hers? And that angelic face? It used to be fucking fun to break her every time but I can’t do that anymore, you see. I lost interest. Her time is up,” Mike said. If I didn’t know better I would have believed his words.
I looked around, trying to find a way to rescue my sister. Mike loved me, he wasn’t hurting me, but he would torture Dawn. She wasn’t like me, she wouldn’t bend or break… she would die trying to escape.
“But…I think I can use her sweet cunt one more time before I drown her in her own blood and switch her with that beauty lying there. Isn’t she supposed to be awake by now? Check her, I’ll fuck my toy one last time.” I heard Mike’s voice with his footsteps over my wheezing breaths. The air had been sucked out of the room, the walls were closing on me, my vision was blurring.
“Angel,” Mike hissed, gripping my arms almost painfully, “I told you to leave.” He reached behind his jeans, pulled out a gun and handed it to me. “Take this, take the car. Go back to your life. Forget me, forget everything but our son. Please, Angel. Go and don’t make me regret that I trusted you,” he whisper-shouted at me.
I couldn’t react. I was empty, in shock, and scared.
I heard a thud from other room and watched Mike rush back to the room again, grabbing the countertop to balance myself and school my emotions. I focused on my breathing, rubbing my belly to soothe my baby and myself at the same time.
“The bitch is awake?” Mike chuckled as he entered the room.
“Angel! Run!”
I heard Dawn’s scream. Her voice helped me to focus. I walked toward the room, gripping the gun tight. I didn’t know who I was planning on using it on. The lines were blurred. On one side there was the guy I was hopelessly in love with, on the other side it was my sister who probably was in this situation because of me.
I watched the scene in front of me like I watched a horror movie –tense, scared, holding my breath. But when I saw my sister was struggling my body reacted before my mind could catch up– I fired the gun. The power from it pushed me back, the voice was too loud my ears throbbed, but I couldn’t take my eyes away from the red spot on Mike’s back. It was getting bigger and bigger.
Did I kill him?
“Dawn!” someone called out, a voice I hardly recognized, but my focus was on my sister.
“Angel?” she breathed out.
“Dawn…” I tried to talk, but my throat was dry I didn’t know if my voice came out at all.
“Angel you’re…” she trailed off. Her eyes were huge as she took me in.
I laughed hysterically, “Yeah…I’m pregnant.”
The rest was a chaos, a blur.
I didn’t remember anything else but the pain or the wetness ran through my legs.
Before darkness swallowed me I heard one last thing:
“Baby is coming. She’s in labor.”
November 2, 2015
Warm fingers were caressing my hand as I slowly opened my eyes.
“Angel?” Dawn choked. I looked at her for the first time in two years. Her eyes were red and swollen, her face was wet with tears, but she was striking. I reached for her violet hair; she looked so different yet still the same girl I grown up with –my sister, my partner in crime.
“How are you feeling?”
“Tired… how is my boy?” I croaked.
“He is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen,” she smiled at me. Before I could ask to see my baby the door opened and a nurse came in with my son in her arms.
“Your mother is awake, sweetie,” the nurse cooed at him.
“How are you feeling, Miss Darcia?”
“I’m tired but good. Is he alright?”
“Yes. He’s just hungry and he will be very happy once you feed him.” She smiled.
Nodding my head I reached for him, curious to his face.
When the nurse placed him into my eyes my breath hitched, my eyes welled up with tears. I caressed his face. I breathe him in before trying to feed him with the nurse’s help.
“Do we have a name for the little boy here?” Nurse said to me.
His name had already been ready from the first moment I knew I was pregnant. Michael Junior… but this name wouldn’t be accepted by anyone. They would think I was crazy, they would think I was sick, disgusting.
They would judge my baby boy for his father with that name. I wouldn’t let that happen. So I changed the name for everyone’s expectations.
“Mason Jackie Darcia.” I murmured, at least my parents’ names would live with my son even though his name would stand another meaning for me.
“Oh my goodness, Angel!” Dawn’s eyes teared up, but I couldn’t answer her when MJ opened his eyes. I sucked a breath. His eyes were dark like most of the newborns, but the way he looked at me was haunting. I knew he couldn’t see yet, but he looked at me like he knew me, like he saw inside me.
My tears fell down before I could stop them and soon they were turned into sobs. I caressed MJ’s cheek again. He would always be the solid reminder of my love for Mike which was a bittersweet truth, knowing that I wouldn’t be allowed to see him ever again.
“Take the baby. He makes her sad. She’s not ready yet,” Dawn’s words rushed out of her mouth. I couldn’t stop them as they took MJ away from me.
Dawn grabbed my hand and pulled me in a hug. “Shh, I’m sorry we couldn’t think about it, Angel. Everything you’ve been through must be like a nightmare, but you’ll get through this, sister. We’ll get through this together.” Caressing my hair she added, “I know MJ reminds you of that monster, but he is just an innocent baby. He is your son, sis.”
She thinks I’m crying because I hate my baby? I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t do anything else except crying.
I was crying because my heart hurt with the beauty of our b
oy, the baby we created together. Mike thought we were so wrong, he thought he wasn’t good enough and I was too good for him… but here, just a few minutes ago, I saw how bright the collision of darkness can shine. I hold the precious treasure of our twisted love and sick darkness in my arms.
But as Dawn tried to console me I let her and cried for the love that burned me and brought me back to life from the pieces.
And Mike was the fire that molded me like a phoenix from the ashes of the girl once I used to be.
February 20, 2016
“Wow, so many flowers! Who are they from?” Dawn looked around my room in the clinic.
“Pax.”
“Pax? The Channing Paxton? The bartender?” she asked, her grey eyes widened as I nodded.
“I didn’t know you had a thing,” she murmured.
“We don’t, he does,” I said, nonchalant.
After an awkward silence Dawn cleared her throat. “Do you remember I mentioned you about the club we are renovating? It has a name now, Man’s World and Channing agreed to come help as a waiter, not all the time since he opened his tattoo shop but whenever we need an extra hand, isn’t that great?” she chirped.
I only nodded. It was hard to open up to her when all she knew that I was the victim in Mike’s case. She didn’t know how twisted her sister was and I hoped she would never know it.
“You okay, Angel?” she whispered, concern was palpable in her voice.
I shrugged. “Yeah.”
Another awkward silence stretched between us, I was content at the silence.
“I talked to your doctor, Angel. She said you’ll be ready to go in a few days. I missed you so much, can’t wait to have you in the house!”
I wanted to roll my eyes at her fake enthusiasm. I knew my sister and I could see inside her, but she kept trying to look happy as all she was feeling concern and sadness for me.
“So, am I cured?” I snorted.
“Umm,” she was lost at words. Clearing her throat she tried again, “Your doctor said you’ll be coming to the sessions with her, you know to talk about your life, but you won’t need to stay here anymore.”
“Good, I think.”
“Of course, that is great news, Angel. You are the strongest person I’ve ever known,” she said, hugging me tight before I could protest.
“You should get new friends, then,” I said sarcastically, but she let it slip.
After a few minutes of her monologue about Alex’ exhibition in Canada and how much of a workaholic Xander was she finally decided to leave me alone with my content silence and antisocialism.
“I love you so much, Angel. And no matter what I’ll always be with you, sister,” she said before going out of my room.
Taking a deep breath I smiled sadly before whispering to the empty room, “Even if I’m in love with my monster?”
October 31, 2018
My baby boy was about to be three years old in a day. This idea should have put a smile on my face, but it only hurt me.
Three years without him.
Three years without seeing his face, without hearing his voice, without his touch.
I was feeling empty, numb, distant… like a ghost.
An arm wrapped around my waist, startling me. “Shh, it’s just me. You okay?” Pax asked.
Nodding I sank into his warmth. He was like the sun in my life, warming the cold in me, giving me hope to go on. His presence was bringing the best in me, wanting me to be better for him.
That wasn’t easy for him, though. Loving someone who was broken, twisted, and in love with someone else –a monster in his eyes, was the bravest but also the stupidest thing he could do, but he had never given up on me. He was always there even when I struggled with therapies after my time in clinic. Even though I woke up crying every night –some because of nightmares and some because of the longing I felt for Mike. He was there as I kept him at the arm length and he was still there as I forced him to be rough with me when I finally let him in enough to have a sexual relationship.
Fucking someone who you know was thinking someone else couldn’t be easy. Making love with someone who cried and pushed you every time you said you loved her must be one of the most painful things a man could experience.
But he stayed there, at the arm length to my emotions, and never gave up.
And finally he broke down my walls, loved me enough for both of us and loved my son like his own; he made us a family.
“Marry me,” he whispered for the hundredth times since we moved in together and I just smiled at him before MJ barged in to the room. “Daddy!”
Pax kneeled down for my boy. “Hey, little man,” he said, tussling MJ’s hair before placing a kiss on his forehead. As MJ beamed at him Pax’ eyes found mine, saw through me even without I say anything, “I’ll be in the living room.”
I sat to the couch in the room, feeling tired and melancholic like most of the time I was.
“Mommy!” MJ stopped in front of me, looking at me with his beautiful green eyes like he was asking permission to touch me. His hesitance hurt my heart, but no matter how hard I tried my boy could see me clearly, could feel something was off with his mommy.
He was like the miniature version of Mike with the same sand-blonde hair and the same shade of green eyes. I sometimes even saw Mike’s brooding melancholia in MJ and that made me sad and nervous.
“Hey, baby boy.” I smiled at him before pulling him onto my lap.
“MJ loves mommy,” he told me, caressing my cheek with his small palm.
“And mommy loves MJ… so much,” I rasped, hugging him tighter to my chest.
“Story?” he murmured to the crook of my neck. Caressing his hair I smiled down at him. “You want mommy to read you a book?”
“No. Story,” he said, getting comfortable on my lap.
Sighing deeply I smiled with a sad smile, understanding what “story” he wanted.
“There was a girl who lives in a castle, alone, bored, broken and scared,” I started.
“I get bored when I’m alone, too,” MJ interrupted me. He loved to talk to me as I told her this story even though normally he preferred to communicate with one word only.
“You will never be alone, MJ. You have lots of people who love you, okay baby?”
Nodding he placed his head back under my chin.
“One day when she was crying a knight opened her door and got her out of the room. The girl was fascinated by the knight in black armor. She was scared of the stranger, but also happy he rescued her from that room. The knight wanted the girl to be with him, to leave the castle and live with him in the woods.”
“Scary,” MJ murmured.
“You’re right, baby boy. Living in the woods sounds scary and the girl was scared, too. But the knight was all she had so she decided to live with him. The knight in black armor carried the girl out of the castle and put her on his black horse. They rode a long way on the horse till they finally arrived to the knight’s house.”
“Food?”
“They stopped by to get food on the way.” I smiled.
“McDonald’s?” MJ beamed at me.
Chuckling I nodded. “Yes, MJ. They stopped by at McDonald’s and bought the burgers you love.”
“Go on.”
“Okay, right… then the girl started to love the knight, his black armor shined enough to pull the girl under his spell, but the knight was a hard man, a little bit grumpy and also dangerous.”
“But he loved the girl, too, right mommy? Because the girl is so beautiful,” he said, playing my hair.
“Yes, baby. He loved the girl, too.”
“The girl wasn’t alone anymore. He was there with her until he had to leave.”
“Why he had to leave?”
“Because the darkness and living in the woods were scary for their little boy,” I said, tickling him till his childish giggle filled the room.
After his giggle died there was an awkward silence in the room, filled with a tension I co
uldn’t name, like announcing the storm.
And the storm came from my three year old boy’s lips… “Mommy, is the black knight my real daddy?”
How could a person answer that question?
How could I lie to the innocent angel who lies in my arms?
How could I darken his little soul with a lie?
So I said the truth and placed the weight on his little shoulders, “Yes, baby. The black knight is your real daddy.”
“Will I ever see him, Mommy? Just for once?” he said, swallowing with the tears that welled up in his eyes.
“Do you want that?”
“Yes, Mommy. Just for once… I promise I won’t be scared in the woods and I won’t cry in the dark.”
I tried to breathe through the lump in my throat. He was too smart for his own good. His choice of words wrecked me, caused the blood leak out from the cracks of my heart.
“Let’s get ready. We’re going to see daddy, but it’s gonna be our little secret.”
With a little squeal he jumped from my lap and put a serious look on his face. “If auntie asks tomorrow I’m gonna say we went to the park.”
“You’re so smart, baby boy,” I smiled.
I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing, probably not; I wasn’t known for right decisions.
As we walked out of the room to head MJ’s Pax was there, looking at me intensely. “I’ll drive you two,” he said before turning back in the hallway.
And just like that he chose to be there again even if that meant helping the woman he loved to meet the man she loved. But this time was different… this time would be the last time I hurt him. Because this time it would be a goodbye to my monster.
October 31, 2018
The prison was accepting visitor application online, but fortunately we could get the permission in just an hour. After preparing everything they wanted we took off the road. I read the visitor guideline I found online on the road and approximately two hours of drive later we were sitting outside of the correctional center. It was a tension filled trip, but I was glad I didn’t have to do this alone.