“Bah!” Garret points to the family room where his mini basketball is sitting on the floor.
Pearce bought that ball for Garret when he was just an infant. When I saw it, I imagined Pearce playing with Garret, showing him how to roll the ball and toss it and bounce it. But instead, I’m the one who’s done that because Pearce isn’t here.
I bring Garret to the family room and set him on the floor. He’s in his little jeans and white t-shirt. He’s so adorable I could kiss and hug him all day, so I do. He gets lots of hugs and kisses.
I roll the ball to Garret and it hits his leg. He laughs and bats at the ball, rolling it toward me.
“Good job!” I roll it back to him as the phone rings. “I’ll be right back.” I run to the kitchen and grab the phone, taking it back to the family room. “Hello?” I roll the ball to Garret again.
“Rachel, it’s Shelby. Guess what I’m craving now?”
Shelby is four months pregnant. She and Logan got married last spring. They started dating again last November and by December they were engaged. I was shocked when she accepted his proposal. She was so adamant about staying single forever, and then all of a sudden, she agreed to marry him. I’m glad she did. Logan is so good to her. And he’s so excited about the baby. They both are.
I laugh. “I don’t know. I’m going to guess pickles mixed with mac and cheese?”
“No, but close. Pickles spread with peanut butter.”
“Shelby, that’s disgusting.”
“I know, right? I mean, it sounds disgusting but I tried it and it was sooo good.”
“What does Logan think of this? Maybe he should be running tests on you. Maybe you have some kind of nutritional deficiency.”
“He said it’s normal to crave weird combinations of foods, although he was grossed out by the pickles and peanut butter.”
Garret crawls over to me, annoyed that I haven’t pushed the ball back to him. “Mama!”
“Yes, honey, just a minute.”
“Is that Garret?”
“Yes. He wants me to play ball with him.” I’m sitting on the floor and he climbs on me and hugs me.
“He is so cute,” Shelby says. “I love how he gives everyone hugs.”
“I know. He’s a hugger, just like his mom.”
He lets me go and crawls over to get his ball, then bats it toward me, making noises as he does.
“I can’t believe how much he looks like Pearce,” Shelby says.
“Yeah, he looks more and more like him every day.”
“Is Pearce there? Logan wanted to ask him something.”
“No. He’s still at work.”
“What time will he be home? Or should I just have Logan call him at the office?”
“Tell him to call the office. Pearce won’t be home until…” My voice trails off as I watch Garret rolling his basketball back and forth as he says ‘dada’ over and over. He misses his dad. Tears fall down my cheeks as I’m suddenly hit with an overwhelming sadness.
“Rachel, are you still there?”
I nod. “Yes.”
She hears my shaky breaths. “Rachel, what’s wrong?”
“Everything,” I say, sniffling.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know…I just…I feel like I’m losing Pearce. And I don’t know what to do about it.” I wipe my tears, but more keep falling. “He works constantly. I never see him. He never sees Garret. This has been going on for months. I can’t keep doing this, Shelby.”
“I didn’t know it was that bad. Have you talked to him?”
“Yes, and he keeps saying he’ll be home more, but then nothing changes. He’s always at work.”
“I’m sorry, Rachel. I don’t know what to tell you.” I hear someone talking in the background. “Logan just got home. He brought dinner. Can I call you back later?”
“Let’s just talk tomorrow. I have to feed Garret and get him to bed.”
“Okay. I’m really sorry, Rachel. Maybe you should try talking to him again.”
“I will. Bye.”
We hang up and I set the phone aside. I shut my eyes, tears pouring down my cheeks.
I feel tiny legs crawling on me as tiny arms go around my waist. “Mama.”
I open my eyes and see Garret hugging me, his eyes sad, a frown on his face. He doesn’t like seeing me cry. And seeing him showing so much compassion at such a young age makes me cry even more. He’s so small, yet he has such a big heart.
“I love you, sweetie.” I pick him up and hug him and kiss his head. I wipe my face, trying to pull myself together. Then I stand up, still holding him. “Mommy’s going to make us some dinner, okay?”
For dinner we have grilled cheese sandwiches and fruit. I cut Garret’s sandwich into mini dinosaur shapes and tell him about dinosaurs as we eat. He may not understand, but I tell him anyway. We have milk and cookies for dessert and then I read him some stories. At eight, I put him to bed.
Then I watch TV, by myself, like I do every night. Pearce will get home after I’m asleep, and he’ll be gone when I wake up. It’ll be like he wasn’t even here.
I fall asleep on the couch with the TV still on.
“Rachel.” I wake up and see Pearce sitting next to me. The room is dark, but from the glow of the TV, I can see him there in his suit. His tie hangs loose around his neck and the top two buttons of his shirt are undone. His head looks heavy and tired.
“Sweetheart, let’s go to bed.” He rubs my arm, which is the most he’s touched me all week.
“What time is it?”
“It’s one-thirty. I got caught up in some things at the office and ended up being there later than I’d planned.”
That’s always his excuse. He’s always getting ‘caught up’ in things at the office. I don’t even know what the hell that means.
“Just go.” I turn my back to him and pull the blanket over me. It’s the cashmere blanket Pearce bought me in Italy. That trip seems so long ago and yet it’s only been a few years. “I’ll sleep here.”
“You’re not sleeping here. Come on.” He tugs on me but I resist.
“Pearce, just go to bed.”
“I want you there with me.”
“You’ll only be in bed a few hours. What difference does it make if I’m there or not?”
He reaches for the remote and shuts the TV off, then turns on the lamp on the end table. “Rachel, what’s going on?”
I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t even know where to start. Why does he need me to explain this to him? He should already know the answer.
“Are you going to say something?” He sounds angry. How dare he sound angry. He has no right to be mad. He’s the one who’s never here. “Rachel, I need to get to sleep. I’m exhausted. So if you have something to say, just say it.”
I turn back to face him. “You really don’t know?”
“Know what?”
I close my eyes, a lump in my throat. “Just forget it.”
He sighs. “I’m sorry I’m late. I know I missed dinner but it couldn’t be helped. There were issues with one of our clients and I had to schedule an emergency meeting and—”
“Stop.” I sit up. “Just stop making excuses. I’m tired of hearing about meetings and clients and all the other people and things that come first in your life. What about your son? Where does he fit in all of this? Are your clients more important than him? You’ve already missed almost the entire first year of his life, spending it at the office instead of here with your family. And for what? We don’t need the money. So why are you doing this?”
“I’m helping out my father. You know that. We’ve talked about this.”
“Yes, but your father is better now. You don’t have to keep working all these hours. Jack runs a company that’s larger than yours and he works a normal day.”
“Jack is in a different industry than us. It’s not comparable.”
“What are you saying, Pearce? That nothing’s going to change?”
<
br /> He doesn’t answer. He just rubs his forehead and then his eyes.
“Pearce, I can’t be in a marriage like this. I can’t—”
“Rachel, you’re tired and so am I. Let’s talk about this tomorrow. I promise I’ll be home for dinner.”
“No.” I drop my head, shaking it side to side. “You won’t be home for dinner. Something will come up. Then you’ll call me and say you’ll be late and we’ll repeat this scene again tomorrow. I can’t keep doing this, Pearce. If this is really how you want to live your life, then go ahead. But you’re going to do it alone.” My voice cracks as I say it. “I’m not going to watch Garret stand at the door every night, waiting for you to get home, only to be disappointed when you never show up. I’m not going to have you promise to play catch with him and then never do it. Or promise to show up at his baseball games and then not be there. If that’s how it’s going to be, I’d rather have you not be in his life at all.” Tears are now streaming down my face.
Pearce just watches me, not saying anything. Then he slowly stands up and goes upstairs. No discussion. No goodnight. No kiss. No hug. Nothing. I don’t know what that means. Is he saying this is over?
I break down, my tears now a full-out sob. I don’t know why I said that just now. I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to break up our family. I didn’t think Pearce did either. I thought when I said those things, he would make a commitment to change. To stop working so much and to spend time with Garret and me. But that didn’t happen. I know he loves us, so why is he doing this? Why is he pushing us away?
I cry myself to sleep and wake up to the sounds coming from the baby monitor. Garret is babbling in his crib, which he always does when he wakes up. He hardly ever cries. He wakes up happy and content.
I go upstairs to his room. When he sees me, he smiles and holds his arms out for me. Coming in here every morning is the absolute best way to start my day.
“Good morning.” I pick him up and hug him. “How’s my big boy today?”
The clock in his room says it’s just before seven. I wonder if Pearce already left for work. I didn’t hear him go so maybe he’s still home. I walk down to our bedroom. He’s not there. The bed is made like he didn’t even sleep in it. Maybe he slept on top of it instead of under the covers. Or maybe he didn’t sleep at all and went back to work after I fell asleep.
“Mama.” Garret kisses my cheek.
“Thank you, sweetie.” I kiss him back. “Are you hungry? You ready for breakfast?”
We go back to his room and I change his diaper, then we go downstairs for breakfast. And so begins another day as a single parent.
At five-thirty I wait for the call that I know is coming. Every night, between five-thirty and six, Pearce calls to tell me he’ll be late. That he won’t be here for dinner and isn’t sure when he’ll be home. I don’t even want to answer the phone. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just let it ring.
“What should we have for dinner tonight?” I ask Garret. I’m holding him on my hip, standing in the kitchen, looking in the cupboards.
“Would you like spaghetti?” I open the fridge and move stuff around to see what’s in there. I spot half a jar of marinara sauce. I have partial containers of everything because I’m always eating alone and can never finish the whole thing. “How about chicken?”
“Dada,” I hear Garret say.
“Daddy’s not having dinner with us. Daddy’s at work.” I open the meat drawer. “If we want chicken, we’ll have to go to the store.”
“Dada,” he says again.
I bounce him a little. “I know, sweetie. You want Daddy, but he’s not home.” I take the marinara sauce out. “Let’s just have spaghetti.”
“Rachel.”
When I hear his voice, I close the fridge door and slowly turn around. Pearce is standing behind me, holding a bouquet of yellow tulips, which is what he used to always bring me when we were dating.
I set the jar of sauce on the counter. “What are you doing here?”
He smiles. “I live here.”
“I know, but…why aren’t you at work?”
“It’s five-thirty. I’m done for the day.” He sets the flowers down. “I want to be with my family.”
“Dada!” Garret reaches for him.
Pearce takes him from me. “Daddy’s right here.” He kisses his cheek and Garret lays his head on his shoulder. I almost cry seeing them together. I don’t even remember the last time Pearce held him.
“Is this just for tonight?” I ask, not wanting to get my hopes up.
“No,” he says, his face very serious. “I, um…I’m sorry, Rachel. I don’t know what’s been going on with me. I really don’t. But it’s not going to continue. I miss you.” He glances at Garret’s head on his shoulder. “And I miss him.”
“We miss you too.”
Pearce leans down and kisses me. “I love you. And I am very sorry for how I’ve been treating you. And Garret. I’d like us to talk about it later, after he goes to bed.”
I nod.
“For now, let’s have some dinner. Would you like to go out?”
“I’d kind of like to stay in.” I want Pearce here. At home. I want the three of us together as a family.
“Then we’ll order something. Whatever you’d like.”
“I’ll order it. You play with Garret. He wants to play ball with you.”
“Bah!” He points to the mini basketball that’s in the family room.
“Daddy’s going to change clothes quick.” He sets him down and Garret starts crying.
“He thinks you won’t come back,” I say.
Pearce scoops him up and over his shoulder. “Then I guess you’re coming with me.”
Garret’s crying quickly turns to laughter as his dad takes him up the stairs. When they come back down, Pearce gets on the floor with Garret and tosses the mini basketball around. He plays with Garret differently than I do, in more of a rough-and-tumble way, chasing him and tackling him. And Garret loves it. He needed his dad. I just wish it hadn’t taken Pearce this long to figure that out.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
11
PEARCE
The past few months I’ve been consumed with work, at the expense of spending time with Rachel and Garret. It started when I took over as interim CEO. I was finally able to take charge and make decisions, and within a month, I was seeing results. We were operating more efficiently, reducing costs, increasing profits, and I’d managed to land a new client. I became addicted to the success and wanted more. I wanted to prove to my father that I could run this company without him and do a better job. But in the process of doing that, I neglected my family.
“He went right to sleep,” I say as I come down the stairs. Rachel is sitting on the leather couch in the living room. I just put Garret to bed, which I haven’t done in months.
“I think you wore him out,” Rachel says.
“He wore me out.” I sit next to her. “He never stops moving. You must be exhausted after spending the day with him.”
“It’s my workout.” Rachel smiles. “Between all the chasing and the lifting and picking up his toys, I’ve never been in better shape.”
I turn her toward me, my hand on her arm. “I should’ve been here, taking care of him, giving you a break at night.”
She nods. “Yeah, you should have. Not because I need a break, but because he needs you.”
“I know he does.”
“Then why haven’t you been here for him? And why haven’t you been here for me? For us? I need to understand, Pearce, because if I don’t, I’ll keep thinking this is only temporary.”
“It’s not temporary.” I look her in the eye. “Last night when you said Garret might be better off without me, it was like being punched in the gut. It killed me to hear you say that. But I needed to hear it. It woke me up and made me realize I could lose you. Both of you. It’s what I fear the most, and yet it was happening right in front of me and I didn’t even notice. I was letting i
t happen. I was the cause of it, and yet I did nothing to fix it.”
I look down at her hand, picking it up and holding it in mine. “I wanted to prove to my father that I could do it. That I could run the company better than he could. That I am not the failure he keeps saying I am. And I did it. I achieved my goal. I did more for that company in six months than he’s done in six years. And he knows it, yet he won’t acknowledge it.” I gaze down at the couch. “He still thinks I’m a failure. He called me that just this morning.”
“He’s wrong, Pearce. Don’t listen to him.” She lifts my face up to look at her. “Why would he even say that?”
“One of our biggest clients didn’t get a delivery on time. It wasn’t my fault. I had nothing to do with it. But since the order was placed when I was interim CEO, my father blames me, saying we should’ve allowed more time for the delivery. He knows this is not a task for the CEO. Someone at a much lower level handles the orders, but he still called me into his office to reprimand me because he couldn’t find anything else to yell at me about. It just proved to me that my father will never be satisfied. I could triple profits every quarter and he still wouldn’t be satisfied. He’d still say I could do better.”
“So you’ve spent the past year trying to prove yourself to your father?”
“Yes. And in doing so, I realized that he’s not the only reason I spend so much time at work. I realized that if someone isn’t there to stop me, I’ll keep working to succeed. If I see I’m making progress, I want to keep going. I’m driven by results. I find it addictive. So when my father was absent because of his illness and I was seeing results from my efforts at the company, I couldn’t stop. I had to keep going. And when he came back, it became even worse because I was so damn determined to prove myself to him. To show him what I’d done and that I could do even more.” I pause. “That’s not how I want to live. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to get his approval. And I don’t want to let my addiction to success take over and consume me. I need you to stop me, Rachel, like you did last night. If you ever see me get this way again, I need you to tell me.”
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