by Terry Towers
“No, you’re right. You shouldn’t want to be pregnant at this age, and I shouldn’t even want that for you.” His shoulders slumped. “But the truth is, I do. I want that next step, Olivia. I want to get married and have kids – with you.”
“Wow.” Sure, I knew that’s where his mind was headed, but to have it sitting out there as fact – it was overwhelming. “We have so many other things to accomplish in life before we bring kids into the equation.”
“I know that.” He sounded frustrated. “I wouldn’t ask you to right away, at least not until you finish college and start your career. I would wait for you, if I knew our visions for the future were aligned. But maybe we’re in different places, Olivia.” Evan sighed deeply. “We want different things. Carrie was right. Hell, even your dad was right, that you’d get hurt. He just didn’t expect me to be hurt too.”
My head spun with shock. “Are you breaking up with me?” My heart felt like it stopped beating. Life without Evan in it? Never feel his hands on my body. Never hear him utter the words “I love you” again to me. Those realities didn’t seem right. They weren’t possible.
After a moment, Evan nodded. “Yeah, I guess I am. I think it’s for the best. By the time you’re ready for the things I am, we’ll probably both have moved on.” He didn’t sound convincing or convinced when he said it. Moisture swam in his brown eyes. “It’s for the best.”
“I don’t know if it’s for the best.” My god, I was so confused. I knew this moment would come and I knew I needed to be prepared for it. I had a choice, move on with him or on my own. But he was standing there assuming for me, taking the decision out of my hands. I was speechless.
“There’s your answer then.” His jaw clenched. “I’ve heard that these tests aren’t always accurate, especially if you take them early. Let me know if…if you need help or something, if they were wrong.”
Absently, I nodded, sweeping the tests into the trash as I brushed past him, gathered my things, and exited his apartment without so much as a goodbye to him. A combination of anger and hurt swirled in me, but mostly, I just felt anesthetized and cold, still in shock from the events that had transpired. Every part of me felt dead now. It felt impossible that I’d lost Evan. But, he’d put the decision in my hands and due to my inaction, I’d given him an answer.
But if that was what I’d truly wanted, why did it hurt so bad to experience the reality of what I thought I had wanted?
I tried to shrug off my sadness and focus on the anger. Evan had rejected me because I didn’t want a baby right now. How crazy was that? I wasn’t even finished with college. Yeah, I supposed I got what he was saying about us each wanting different things, but the irrational part of me still seemed like he had rejected me for being happy I wasn’t pregnant. Maybe he was right and I was better off without him. At my age, it would be crazy to get married and tied down with a family. He might change his mind about waiting until after I established my career and insist we have a baby right away. Waiting for me would mean he’d have to wait until he was close to thirty. Maybe he was right and it was better to end things now before it got to the point where we were one of those couples who married at eighteen and divorced at twenty. I knew all about divorce, coming from a family where my parents divorced. They’d married young, they’d both been eighteen – my age – and look how that turned out, they lived on separate ends of the country.
Clinging to that determination was hard, but I refused to allow the tears to fall. As much as I loved Evan, I could live without him. What other choice was there?
Despite my insistence this was for the best a voice at the back of my mind kept screaming that I was an idiot and was making the biggest mistake of my life.
~*~ TT ~*~
Evan
I didn’t bother to look up at Carrie as she approached. Instead, I pretended to be engrossed in the book I was reading. It wasn’t until she was practically on top of me, sitting across from me at the small two-person table and entering my personal bubble, that I was forced to acknowledge her presence.
“So, are congratulations in order?” She winked, but there was an air of seriousness surrounding her.
“For what?”
“The pitter-patter of little feet.”
I silently told myself to keep calm and not lose my cool. She was only trying to antagonize me to get a reaction. I wasn’t about to give her what she wanted. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Are you going to be a daddy?”
“Why would you think that?”
“I’m sure I saw little Olivia Vanburen buying pregnancy tests at the pharmacy three days ago. Considering you two are a couple I could only assume that the baby would be yours.”
Gritting my teeth, I said, “I’m surprised you managed to go three days without commenting.”
She ignored that. “So, is she?”
I shrugged, not about to be pulled into her little game. “I doubt she was buying what you thought, but if she was, it has nothing to do with me. I haven’t seen her in weeks.” Well, except for the night three days ago, but that was my business, and Carrie was never going to know that.
She seemed mildly disappointed at the lack of gossip, but then her eyes lit up as if she’d caught sight of a diamond in a pile of dung. “Does that mean you’re single?”
I wanted to deny it and had to bite back the instinctive need to do so. I was indeed single. Things were finished with Olivia; I hadn’t spoken a word to her since she left my apartment. It was just that my heart wasn’t ready to move on yet. Though it may do me good to just jump back into the dating game, it might help me get my mind off the woman I really wanted to be with. “Yeah. Do you have plans Friday night?”
She shook her head. “Nothing firm.”
I wondered which sucker she was going to stand up to go out with me, but decided it didn’t matter. I didn’t have to like Carrie to take her out. She was just a way to get back in the game and move on from Olivia. She was a plaything before Olivia and she could be that again, couldn’t she? “I’m going bowling, if you want to come.”
For a moment, Carrie seemed nonplussed and on the verge of refusing; it made me chuckle inside since I knew how much she hated bowling. To my surprise she nodded instead. “Sure. That sounds…interesting.”
“Great.” I flashed her a smile that she immediately returned. How had I managed to sound so enthusiastic? It was a mystery, since I had no talent for acting.
“It’s a date,” she said with relish.
“Yes, a date,” I echoed, this time unable to sound eager for the experience. The idea of dating Carrie after being with Olivia was like having filet mignon one day a month and bologna the rest of the time. Still, she would do as my rebound girl. No doubt she knew the score and seemed quite fine with it.
~*~ TT ~*~
Olivia
How could a person with a broken heart make herself feel even more miserable? By heading to the bowling alley for an allegedly fun-filled game with Tia and a group of college kids that I didn’t know, that’s how. I was hopeless at sports, bowling included. But, I had a pressing need to move on from Evan, which was why I decided to accept the invitation. Tia insisted that there were tons of eligible men to choose from in the group and I was supposed to be flirting with one or more of them, but I couldn’t muster the energy to do so. After grabbing a white and silver ball from the rack, I laced up my rental shoes, then sat and stared glumly down the lane as others bowled before me.
“You’re up,” said Tia, nudging my shoulder.
With a start, I stood up, took my ball, and approached the lane. I’d never been good at the game and gave a half-hearted flick of the wrist to send the ball down the lane. Without waiting for the results, I turned back to their chairs. Gutterball, Olivia. It was only when the others cheered that I realized I’d gotten a strike. How in the fuck did I manage to do that? I looked back over my shoulder in disbelief. Maybe a broken heart was the key to good bowling?
As I return
ed to my seat, I looked up and saw a couple setting up four lanes down. My heart stuttered to a standstill for a long moment as I saw Evan and Carrie together. She was wearing a low v-neck skintight sweater that she was nearly spilling out of. Carrie had her hand on his leg and bent over to display to him her cleavage as he entered their names in the computer.
He turned to get up, dislodging Carrie in the process. As if sensing my eyes on him, he looked up and in my direction, and our gazes locked. Not being able to stand the intensity of his stare, I looked away first, sickened by the sight of them together. He’d certainly taken moving on seriously. It shouldn’t surprise me, since he’d been the one to end things. Maybe he’d even broken up with me to pursue Carrie – though I couldn’t quite believe that. No, Carrie wasn’t the reason for the collapse of our relationship, I was.
I endured another turn at the lanes before succumbing to the need to escape. My gaze kept drifting over to the happy couple and it was chipping away at me, piece by piece.
Making my way to the ladies’ room, I hid in a stall for a few minutes, trying to summon the courage to return to the alley and pretend as if I weren’t going to pieces. Finally, I pushed away from the door, opened it, and left the bathroom, keeping my eyes downcast to the floor. The only thing worse than having to speak to Evan would be to have to speak with Carrie. The bathroom could prove to be dangerous territory, especially if Carrie decided to chase after me to gloat. I just had to get through the evening.
With a grunt, I collided with a solid male body. Even as we touched, I recognized Evan’s scent and was eerily reminded of the first time we’d met. Looking up, I met his gaze, trying to hide all emotion from my own. It was impossible and I knew it since I could feel the tears threatening to appear. “Having fun?” I asked with mock sweetness.
Just hang onto anger, I coached myself.
“A blast,” he bit out.
“You and Carrie look perfect together.”
Evan snorted. “We have to move on, don’t we?”
I shrugged. “So you say.” Waving a hand in the redhead’s direction, I said, “It didn’t take you long though, did it?”
His lips compressed. “She was available. She’s as good as anyone.” The bitterness in his tone matched mine. But he was also a liar, I could see the hurt in his eyes as easily as I’m sure he saw into mine.
“Is that all you look for in a girl?” I asked with scathing sarcasm.
Anger, anger, anger…
Evan sighed. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d be here, or I would have taken her elsewhere.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
He shook his head. “It does, ’cause I’d feel like crap if you were here with another guy. I’m just trying to get on with things.”
Keeping my tone cold, I replied, “You made it clear you’re done with me, so you can do who or what you want. Move on with Carrie.” Angling my shoulder, I squeezed past him, pausing when he put a hand on my arm, but not looking at him. The heat of his hand beckoned for me to stay, but I couldn’t.
“It isn’t going to work with her,” he confessed in a broken whisper. “We both know that.”
My heart lightened at the assertion, but I forced myself to sound remote and uncaring. “Keep trying then, Evan.” Wrenching away from his hand, I rushed out of the hallway and back into the main area. My new friends were waiting for me, and Tia waved me over. But the problem was that I couldn’t go back and pretend I was fine. Instead, I waved to them, mouthed a quick goodbye, and headed for the exit, glad I had driven my own car to meet them.
By the time I got home, I was a complete and utter wreck. Tears were streaming down my face as I rushed past my startled parents in the living room, not taking time to answer their concerned questions. In my room, I shut the door and sprawled on the bed, hugging my body pillow and wishing I were in Evan’s arms, back before all this craziness, when we’d been happy together.
I wasn’t surprised to hear a knock at my door, but hoped it wasn’t my dad. It would be hard enough to deal with my stepmother, without my father’s observant gaze on me. “Come in,” I said in a wet voice, batting away the tears with the back of my hand.
My stepmother entered a second later, looking worried. “What’s wrong, honey?”
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her, to spill it all. My relationship with Evan had been daunting to keep to myself for so long, but the words caught in my throat. Instead of a confession, a sob emerged, and I cuddled deeper into the pillow. The bed dipped a moment later, as Stephanie lay down behind me. Stephanie didn’t say anything for a long time, just stroked my hair and waited. As much as I hated Stephanie for butting into everything, I had to give her credit where credit was due – most of her nosiness was borne out of caring, not malice.
“Do you want to talk about it?” my stepmother finally asked.
“No.” I couldn’t. The words literally wouldn’t come, even if I wanted them to.
“Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry.” She brushed a hand across my cheek. “I can’t take away this pain. All I can tell you is love sucks sometimes.”
“Yeah.” I didn’t even care that Stephanie had guessed my secret, or at least part of it. It no longer seemed important to hide my relationship with Evan, at least from the woman who was here trying to soothe my broken heart. Still, I couldn’t articulate how I was feeling, or why, so I laid in my stepmom’s arms and soaked up comfort via osmosis. Love did suck, and I wished I had never experienced it.
Maybe I was right all along – love wasn’t worth it. Getting involved with men wasn’t worth it. Not when it came with this kind of pain in the end.
~*~ TT ~*~
Evan
Bringing the car to a halt in front of Carrie’s apartment building, I braced myself for a goodnight kiss as she leaned toward me. Her lips were full and moist against mine. She was curvy and pretty, but she did nothing for me. She had at one time, but not anymore. With a sigh, I eased back into my seat. “I’m sorry. Tonight was a mistake.” As much as I had thought fucking Olivia out of my system had been a good idea, upon further consideration I realized it wasn’t.
“I know.” She looked a little melancholy. “I knew as soon as you followed Olivia back to the bathroom that you weren’t really with me. You’re still with her, aren’t you?”
“So, why the kiss?”
She shrugged. “I guess I was hoping you’d react physically and it would help you move on faster.”
I ran a hand through my hair and heaved a loud sigh. “I wish that would work. Honestly, I’d give anything to just get over her, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon.”
She touched my leg, but it was with the air of a friend, not a potential lover, which was a relief. “Can you fix things with her?”
Hesitating, I finally shrugged. Who’d have thought the one person who didn’t want me with Olivia was now attempting to give suggestions on how to fix it? “I don’t know. Probably not. We want different things. I don’t know if I can wait for her to want what I want.”
She tilted her head and gave me a compassionate smile. “Well, in that case, think of it this way. You can either wait for her and maybe get her someday, or you can move on now. Find yourself a woman who wants the things you do and make your future instead of staying in limbo.”
I knew that she meant her words to illustrate that I should give up on Olivia and move on with someone, even if it wasn’t her. Unfortunately, my heart had latched onto the first possibility – that if I just waited long enough, Olivia would be ready for the future I wanted with her. The stubborn thing was that I was in no mood to listen to my head or Carrie’s logic. “Goodnight, Carrie.”
Ironically enough, I’m sure there were plenty of women in my past who had been in my situation, hoping I’d grow up and want what they wanted, but all I had ever wanted was a good time. Perhaps this was me getting my just desserts for all the women I’d hurt in my past.
With an incline of her head, she accepted my un
spoken final rejection with good grace. “Good luck. I hope whatever happens makes you happy.”
Chapter Eleven
Olivia
My focus was getting through first one day, and then one week. So many times, my hand hovered on my cell phone, but I managed to quell the urge to call Evan. Thankfully, I didn’t see him out anywhere again, and definitely not with Carrie or another woman, but in some ways, it was worse not knowing what he was doing. Somehow, two and a half months managed to pass. The end of semester was fast approaching and my new friends were all abuzz between getting ready to write exams and their plans for the upcoming summer. I had nothing. Exams I’d manage to get through and as for summer – maybe I’d work. I could always get a second job since there wouldn’t be enough work at the comic book store.
I did make a half-hearted attempt at dating again, first with Jacob Nguyen, who was a nice guy, a tad on the boring side, but pleasant enough. We had lots to talk about since he was a comic book geek, but the attraction was zilch. One last-ditch effort had culminated in an outing for burgers with one of the guys in my math class, but Kalib Winters did nothing for me either. With more relief than disappointment, I returned to my self-imposed vow to avoid dating until after college.
During the day, I was giving a good semblance of a normal, happy teenager, though I often felt like I was just going through the motions. Nights were different. Lying in my lonely bed, I would think about Evan until I fell asleep, and then spend the rest of the night dreaming about him. The dreams sometimes started out happily, but always ended in some kind of tragedy that left tears on my cheeks each morning when I awoke. To make matters worse, I found losing weight easy and shed ten pounds without effort. Unfortunately for me, those ten pounds I needed because now when I looked in the mirror I appeared like I was anorexic. At least if I flunked my courses, I could revolutionize the world of weight loss with the secret of how to do it. Get your heart broken, and you’ll lose at least ten pounds. I suppose to some people it would be a worthwhile trade-off, but to me, it wasn’t.