by Vi Keeland
“Rush. That is the most kind and generous offer that anyone has ever attempted to give me. And I truly appreciate it more than you will ever know. But…” I wasn’t sure how to say what I really wanted after he’d just given me so much.
“What?”
“I did say all those things. And I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate all that you’re offering and how much you thought about things today. But the point of me telling you all of that earlier wasn’t so that you can solve my problems. The point was, when I was done telling you how afraid I am of all those things…” I took a deep breath and locked gazes with Rush before getting to the most important part. “I told you I was afraid of all those things and yet what terrifies me the most is…what happens between me and you now.”
Rush’s eyes told me the answer before he found the words. He looked distraught and sad, mixed with a touch of what I thought might be guilt. With a deep breath, he reached forward and squeezed my knee.
“I’m sorry, Gia. I really am. I just…I’m not ready for a family. I wasn’t even sure if I saw a serious relationship in my life at all before I met you. It’s why I kept trying to slow us down. You’re an amazing woman, and I want to help you however I can. But shit just got real, and now it’s not just you I’ll fuck up when I eventually…I just…I’m not ready for this.”
It felt like a fifty-pound weight had settled onto my chest. It made it hard to breathe. “I understand.”
He squeezed my knee again to get my attention. Rush looked as sad as I felt. “Stay in the house. Work the winter at The Heights. Let me help in that way, at least.”
The taste of salt in my throat told me I wasn’t going to be able to hold back the tears much longer. Rush felt bad enough. He was trying to do the right thing as much as he could. This wasn’t his burden to carry. I stood. “It’s a lot to think about. But I really appreciate your offer.”
“Gia…” He stood. It was torture not being able to reach out and touch him in the moment.
“I gotta go inside. Nature calls.”
He looked crestfallen but nodded.
I held my head high as I hurried to the door—hoping, just hoping, that I could disguise my running away as bravery and make it a little bit easier for Rush.
Morning sickness apparently doesn’t always come in the morning.
Tonight’s special was pan-fried salmon and garlic parmesan roasted asparagus. I’d always loved the smell of the kitchen at The Heights, until I walked in two nights after my conversation with Rush. I had to literally run to the bathroom where I proceeded to lose the little bit I had eaten during the day.
My head hung over the toilet as I dry heaved. Nothing was left, but apparently my stomach didn’t get the message. The bathroom door creaked open then shut.
“You okay?” Rush’s voice was low.
I gagged when I opened my mouth to answer.
“What can I do?” From the closeness of his voice, I knew he was standing right on the other side of the stall door.
“Could you maybe get me something to drink? Some caffeine-free Coke?”
“Sure. Be right back.” The door opened and closed and a few minutes later, Rush was back inside the ladies’ room.
“Do you want me to slip it under the door. Or are you coming out?”
I reached up and unlatched the bolt that kept the door shut but didn’t get up from the floor. Rush gently pushed it open. He knelt down next to me with a glass of soda. “Here you go.”
I took a few hesitant sips and shook my head. “Thanks. I’m sorry. I didn’t see that coming. I just walked into the kitchen, and I guess the smell got to me.” After being off yesterday, the first contact I had with this man had to be in a bathroom stall. More proof that he should run the other way.
Rush sat down on the floor next to me. “Don’t apologize. If men had to go through the shit that women do, the human race would’ve been extinct a long time ago.”
I smiled.
He brushed a hair off my face. “You okay?”
“Yeah. I hope that doesn’t happen too often though. The cleaning company was just here for the day. The thought of having my head in the toilet bowl after people use the stalls all night is enough to make me want to throw up again.”
Rush smiled. “Hang on a second.”
He got up and disappeared. Two minutes later he was back with a piece of paper and masking tape. He ripped two pieces off the roll and taped the paper onto the door of the stall I was still sitting in.
“There. Now this is your stall only.”
I looked up and read what he’d written on the paper now taped to the door. OUT OF ORDER.
I laughed. “You can’t put a stall out of order just in case I need to get sick.”
“Like fuck I can’t. It’s my place. There’re two other stalls. Anyone doesn’t like it, they can come talk to me, and I’ll tell ’em there’s a whole ocean out back. Go piss in that.” He extended his hand with a little silver tool that looked like an Allen key.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s to open the door when the latch is closed, so you don’t have to crawl underneath to use your clean stall. You just slip it through the crack in the door, and twist. It opens the latch. You’d be surprised how many little brats come in with their parents for dinner and think it’s funny to go into a stall, lock it, and then crawl out underneath.”
He was continuing to kill me with his kindness. It only made me want him more when I could no longer have him.
“Well, thank you. I really appreciate this.”
“You’re welcome.” He lingered silently for a bit before he said, “Anyway…I, uh, hope you don’t mind, I told my mother about the pregnancy. She wants you to know that you can call her anytime if you need to talk. I’ll text you her info.”
Wow.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about Melody knowing, but something told me I was going to need to take her up on that.
“That’s really nice of her. Thank you.”
A few nights later, I was alone in my room having what felt like a panic attack. I’d gone to the doctor earlier in the day, and he told me that I was indeed pregnant. He scheduled me for my first ultrasound at the next appointment.
The formal news was no surprise, but it was still jarring to hear it confirmed beyond the shadow of a doubt.
The shock of my pregnancy was starting to wear off, and the reality was sinking in. Everything was starting to hit me at once.
The fact that I was going to be a mother.
The fact that I hadn’t even told my dad yet.
Losing Rush. That was the hardest thing to accept. Well, maybe it would have been easier if I’d lost him totally. He was still around, making sure I was comfortable and safe at work, offering anything I needed when the only thing I really needed was his goddamn heart.
His being around made things even harder, because I yearned for more, for what we had—for him. I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me at night. I’d felt so safe in his arms. And now, just when I needed him most, I couldn’t have him in that way, and it wasn’t fair of me to expect it.
So, as I stared at Melody’s beautiful sunset painting, which now stood for all of the hope that had been drained from my life, I realized I really needed to talk to someone. Feeling desperate, I looked up Rush’s mom’s contact information that he’d texted me and made the impulsive decision to call her.
After she answered, I said, “Melody?”
“Gia?”
She knew it was me. Rush must have told her to expect my call.
“Hi. I…uh…Rush told me it would be okay if I called you.”
“Of course. He told me about your news. I would say congratulations, but I remember how that felt when people used to say it to me in the beginning. You don’t feel ready for that because you’re still harboring so much doubt about your abilities.” She sighed into the phone. “Everything will be okay, Gia. I know it may not seem like that right now.”
I didn’t waste any time getting to the point. “Would it be okay if I came to see you…to talk in person?”
“Of course. Are you sure you’re feeling up to driving out here, because I could go there?”
“I’d actually like to come see you. I think I need to get out of town for a bit.”
When I told Rush I was planning to go see his mother, he refused to let me drive my car, fearing it wouldn’t make it all the way there.
He rented me a comfortable Honda CRV, despite my insistence that he not worry about me. But once on the freeway, I was grateful not to have to white knuckle my way through the ride.
On the way to Melody’s, I grabbed a decaf tea from Starbucks and put on a romance audiobook about this hot Australian guy and a damn goat. The weather was perfect for a long ride, and it ended up being very relaxing, just what I needed to clear my head somewhat before seeing her.
Melody was gardening outside when I pulled into her driveway. She brushed the dirt off her smock and came over to the car. I rolled down the window.
“You made it in good time.” She smiled.
“Yeah. Traffic was light.”
We stepped inside. It was comforting to be back in her home, surrounded by all of the bright colors and paintings. Melody had a very Bohemian style, and there was a zen vibe throughout the place.
We sat down in her kitchen where she’d set up a fruit and cheese plate along with a large pitcher of lemonade.
I clasped my hands together and rested my elbows on the table. “Thank you for meeting me. I know how strange this must be…to be talking to your son’s ex-girlfriend who’s pregnant by someone else.”
She shook her head as if to tell me my concerns were unfounded. “It’s my pleasure, Gia. I was definitely surprised when Rush told me and a little disappointed, to be honest.” She quickly placed her hand on mine to clarify. “Not in you…just in the fact that I knew what that might mean for you and my son.”
Yeah.
I really hoped she wouldn’t judge me because of how I’d gotten myself into this predicament—via a one-night stand. At least with Rush’s dad, she’d been in an actual relationship, at least from her point of view.
“I don’t know how much Rush told you…” I said.
“He told me everything. You don’t have to explain anything to me about how it happened. I’m up to speed on that. Don’t stress out over explaining a thing.” She reached her hand across the table again, placing it on my arm. “How are you?”
Blowing out a shaky breath, I said, “Not too good. I feel guilty for feeling so sad—because that’s no way to bring a child into this world. And I’m afraid that all of my negative energy will somehow affect the baby. But it’s really hard to be happy when you feel like your world has turned upside down.”
She looked sad for me. “I’m so sorry. But I assure you it’s temporary. Things always get better, not necessarily easy, but better.”
“Can you tell me a little about what your experience was like when you found out you were pregnant with Rush?”
Melody closed her eyes momentarily then said, “Well, you know, my situation wasn’t that much different than yours. His father wasn’t in the picture. I think what helped me in the beginning were a few things. Learning to take things one day at a time and understanding that you don’t have to do more than that…is really key. It’s all so overwhelming, that even thinking about it can be enough to make you go crazy. There are so many things you feel you need to do to prepare, but really the only thing you need to do right now is to breathe and to take care of yourself. There’s no reason that you can’t just take each moment as it comes. You don’t have to deal with everything all at once, and you certainly don’t have to have all of the answers.”
Her words brought me a little comfort. “That’s always easier said than done, but I will really try to remember that.”
She gestured to the fruit platter. “Please have something to eat.” Melody poured some of the lemonade into a glass and slid it in front of me. “The other thing is to understand that it’s totally okay to not know what you’re doing, to fly by the seat of your pants. There is a first time for everything, and a lot of it’s going to be trial and error. Things like changing diapers, feeding the baby…it will all seem like second nature once you get used to it. But there’s no real way to learn how to care for a baby aside from actually doing it. And again, no one expects you to be perfect out of the gate.”
“Good. Because I am pretty sure I’ll be a mess.”
She laughed as she put a grape in her mouth. “You’ll surprise yourself.”
There was a moment of silence where she just looked at me from across the table. I don’t know why I felt compelled to say, “I don’t have a mother, you know.”
Melody’s eyes were brimming with sympathy. “I know.”
“I couldn’t remember if I told you that.” I stared off, contemplating my lack of maternal role model. “How am I supposed to be good mother when I don’t even have one?”
“Because it’s innate,” she said without hesitation. “You’re a loving, caring person who will do everything in her power to care for her baby. She likely never had a motherly bone in her body. You’re not your mother.”
I truly hoped she was right. As I processed her words, tears ran down my cheeks. Melody moved her chair around to my side of the table and embraced me.
We stayed like that for a while until she gave me a napkin to wipe my eyes, then said, “It will be okay. It’s hard to know that now. But trust me, it will.” She got up and started walking toward her bedroom. “I’ll be right back. I want to show you something.”
A few minutes later, she returned with a photo album.
She planted it on the table. “I’m pretty sure Rush would kill me if he knew I was showing these to you, but that’s too bad.”
There were so many photos of a young Melody with baby Rush, who was surprisingly blond as a child. He still had the same naughty grin and expressive eyes. Melody looked so young, and her hair was really long.
When she came upon a set of photos that looked like they were professionally taken, she grinned from ear to ear.
“I remember this day.” She covered her mouth as she pointed to a particular shot of baby Rush sitting on her lap. “Oh my gosh. I’d taken Rush to the Sears portrait studio. Right before this, he’d puked all over his brand-new outfit. I was in tears because the mall was quite a long drive for me, and I didn’t want to have to come back, so the photographer gave me an outfit for him that a previous customer happened to leave behind. You see how his overalls are a little big?
“Look at that drooly, toothless smile,” I gushed.
“I know I was so stressed out right before this, but once the photographer got us settled, Rush was hamming it up for the cameras. I left feeling so lucky, in a totally different mood compared to how I’d walked in.” She gazed off into space for a moment before she looked at me. “That’s what motherhood is like. It’s a series of ups and downs. But it’s all worth it, Gia. Trust me on that.”
I kept staring at the image of baby Rush’s big smile. It was reflective of the natural goodness built into my tough guy.
My tough guy.
Had I not gotten the memo that he wasn’t mine anymore?
“What’s wrong Gia?”
Melody must have noticed the sudden expression of sadness on my face. Damn pregnancy hormones.
The realization of it hit me like a ton of bricks. “I was falling in love with your son before this happened. Rush made it clear that he’s not ready for all of this. I don’t blame him. It just sucks, you know? Because he and I…we really had something. But I understand why he can’t be with me. I do.”
“I’m so sorry. If I had a magic button, I wish I could make this right for both of you. I wish my son felt differently, too. But if there’s one thing I’ve learne
d about him, it’s that I can’t tell him what to do or how to feel. But I’ll be rooting for you, that maybe he has a change of heart about it.”
I wondered if she really meant that, or if deep inside she didn’t want her son to be with someone who came with baggage when he could likely have anyone he wanted. I’d never know if she was telling me the truth or just wanted to make me feel better.
There was no way I was going to get my hopes up in any case. There was too much at stake now to worry about my broken heart. I needed to focus on the little heart beating inside of me instead.
It had become my new nightly ritual. Standing outside of The Heights for several minutes at a time during peak hours. I’d be outside smoking while I watched things from afar through the windows.
When nightfall hit, the lights inside the restaurant gave me the perfect view of the hostess stand. The glare on the windows meant she couldn’t see me watching her.
Being inside for long periods of time was too much for me lately. Plus, I needed to smoke even more, as if it were somehow going to take away this feeling that I couldn’t even describe inside of my chest.
I would smoke cigarette after cigarette, alternating between nodding to patrons as they entered and peeking in the window to make sure Gia was okay, that she wasn’t standing too much.
Everything had changed.
And yet nothing had changed.
I still felt everything I always had for her; the only difference was, I couldn’t act on it anymore. That fucking killed me. It killed me to admit to her that I wasn’t cut out for what she needed. It killed me to see the sadness in her eyes when I did. But I wasn’t going to risk letting down a child. That’s where I draw the line.
She would find her way eventually; she would. I just needed to help her land on her feet. Then, I’d encourage her to move back to the City once I knew she was gonna be okay—that they were gonna be okay. In the meantime, I wanted her here where I could keep an eye on her.