by M. E. Carter
“I don’t think she’ll be comfortable being alone with you at your place.”
“I won’t be back there much. Tammy is hounding me to hire some new people. I need to get on that. Create ads and all that crap again.”
“Tammy’s not wrong. I know it’s not official until you hit the six-month mark in the black or whatever, but I think it’s a safe bet to call yourself a successful business owner at this point. It can only get busier from here.”
He chuckles. “You aren’t the first person to tell me that over the last couple of days.”
“Why don’t you believe us?”
Paul’s eyes seem to get sad at my question. I may have struck a nerve.
“My dad was a real son of a bitch. Rode us kids hard on everything. Don’t quit until it’s perfect. Failure is not an option. He had like this military mindset when it came to raising kids.”
Paul looks at the floor, refusing to make eye contact with me. Whether it’s from embarrassment or because he’s visualizing memories, I’m not sure. The only thing I know is I’m seeing a side of Paul I’m certain he doesn’t show most people.
“He constantly drilled into our heads that we were nothing unless we were successful, that the worst thing we could ever do is fail. The irony of it is he didn’t stick around long enough to teach us how to succeed. He left us with no tools for achievement, only a psyche that always struggles with the fear of mistakes.”
Paul looks up, lips quirking up on one side like he’s trying to smile but can’t quite get there. “I like you so much, Kiersten. More than like. I’ve been falling for you since, hell I don’t even know how long it’s been. I’m also terrified I’ll fuck it all up and leave you and Carson as damaged as he left me.”
I’m speechless. Completely at a loss for words at the bomb he just dropped. Images flood my brain of a future with Paul. Thoughts of what could be. I allow myself just a small moment to enjoy it before pulling myself back to reality. Because it doesn’t matter how Paul feels. What matters is how he acts. And that’s not something I can trust yet.
“I really loved Spence.” Paul winces at the name, which doesn’t go unnoticed or unappreciated by me, as much as I hate to admit it. “I had my eyes wide open during that relationship and as it turns out, it didn’t matter. The wool was still pulled over them. I’m not sure if we were a game to him or what, but I am fully convinced if he hadn’t died, he would have yanked me and Carson around until I accidentally found out about his real life.”
“He was a dick.”
“He was probably a clinical narcissist,” I clarify. “But that’s beside the point. What Spence taught me is that pretty words are really nice to hear, but without action to back it up, there’s no substance.”
“I know,” Paul says quietly. “That’s why I brought food. I wanted to show you I’m not just talk. I’m action.”
“And it was a really nice action. But I can’t ignore the red flags all over the place, Paul. Red flags you planted.”
He digs his hands into his pockets, a move I’ve discovered he does when he’s nervous. “You’re right.”
“I know. So, you can see why I’m hesitant. I know all of this is your way of apologizing, which I fully accept. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to take the next step with you.”
He holds my gaze but I can see the determination in his eyes.
“I understand. And I accept that. I broke your trust with my flippant words and fickle behavior. But Kiersten,” he takes a step toward me, close enough I have to lift my head to maintain eye contact. “I will win your trust back. I don’t like knowing my flippant use of words made you take a step back. I’ve missed you the last few days and I don’t ever want to feel like this again.”
“I’ve missed you too.” I fight to keep my arms from wrapping around his neck, when all I want to do is let him hold me. “But I can’t.”
He tucks a stray hair behind my ear, the brush of his finger making me shiver. “I know. And I respect that. I just wanted you to know where my brain is at.”
He backs away slowly, never taking his locked gaze off me before he turns on his heel and walks out my front door, leaving me to my swirling thoughts.
TWENTY-FIVE
Paul
The last few days have been nothing short of a nightmare.
They’ve also been a tremendous relief.
It’s a dichotomy I’m still trying to wrap my brain around, but I try to remind myself of the important things.
The most important being Kiersten is back. You wouldn’t know by talking to her that she and I had a falling out of sorts. Or at least, no one else would. I can still see the reservation on her face when we interact. It’s clear she doesn’t trust me, which I deserve. I hurt her with my words. It takes time for the sting to go away. But she’s still fun and engaging with the customers and I like that. She still takes time to cut a rug with Dwayne on the dance floor. The only time her demeanor is different is when she talks to her sister. I’m not sure if Kiersten’s energy tones down because she doesn’t want to overwhelm Nicole or because she doesn’t want to overwhelm herself, but the change is definitely there.
Nicole has been hanging out a lot, which is fine by me. At first, she stayed in the office, but after a couple of days, I guess she got bored and ventured out. Now she spends most of her time sitting on the last stool next to the bar—the seat that allows her to have her back to the wall and her side next to the counter. All she does is people watch. Granted, there is all kinds of action when you have some of the most testosterone-filled, competitive men in the world hanging out in your bar. She might actually be onto something. I bet she sees some interesting things none of their agents would like getting out.
On the flip side, I’ve been dealing with one hell of a shit show putting together ads and fielding calls from prospective employees. I don’t know how many of these people have actually worked in a bar before, but they don’t seem to understand you don’t call after ten at night and try to get the boss on the line. Drinks are flowing and people are drunk by then. Unless you’re an Uber trying to find your customer, I don’t have time to stop and chat.
Disgruntled from sorting through applications again and coming up absolutely empty, I push away from my desk and make my way to the front. I could use some caffeine and a change of scenery.
I’m greeted by hoots and hollers, but they aren’t for me.
“What’s going on over there?” I ask Nicole as I pass by. The more time she spends here, the more comfortable she’s become with me. She’s a nice girl. Quiet, understandably. But friendly enough. And she doesn’t mince words on her opinions about what goes on in here sometimes. Kind of like Tammy, except gentler. I like that.
“From what I’ve gathered, some new guy is getting his rear handed to him at pool.”
“Is Dwayne involved?” I purse my lips. I’d bet money I already know the answer to this question.
“Of course.”
I shake my head indignantly. “That man has got to stop scamming all my customers.”
“It wasn’t his fault this time. I think the new guy is a rookie so his teammates are hazing him or something.”
I grunt. “I guess I’ll let it go. But that man and I are gonna have a chat one of these days.”
“Leave him be, boss.” Tammy joins our conversation as she approaches. “That rookie deserves to have his ass handed to him. He’s been talking smack all night. I think the rest of his team finally got tired of it. They’re enjoying watching Dwayne take him for his signing bonus.”
A shot of adrenaline runs through me and my eyes widen. “Please tell me there’s not that much money on the line.”
Tammy waves me off like I’m being ridiculous. “I’m sure it’s not that much.”
That does not make me feel any better.
“Let’s just say Dwayne is gonna be able to make rent this month with no problem.”
I hang my head, shaking it back and forth. “We’re gonna get shu
t down. I just know it. The gaming commission is gonna show up and accuse me of illegal gambling.”
Kiersten joins the conversation, placing freshly made drinks on Tammy’s tray. I love seeing things run like a well-oiled machine.
“Stop being a Debbie Downer,” she chides as she grabs beer mugs and begins filling them. “They’re just having a good time. That’s what we want, right?”
I sigh in resignation. She’s right. They’re all right. This is what we’ve been working for and now I’m focusing on the wrong things. I guess I have more work to do on my insecurities than I realized.
“Fine. Let them have their fun. I’ll back off.”
“Can I get you something, Paul?” Kiersten asks as she tops off the glasses. “You look like you could use a shot of caffeine.”
“We don’t have any coffee, do we? The fresh stuff. Not yesterday’s batch warmed up.”
“I actually brewed some a little bit ago. Customer request.”
“Perfect.” I climb under the counter to grab it myself.
“How’s the bartender search going anyway?”
I puff out an exasperated breath. Maybe this coffee will take the edge off. “It shouldn’t be this hard to find a waitress. Hey, Nicole,” I call over my shoulder. “You wanna be a waitress? I hear the boss is amazing to work for.”
She shakes her head vigorously, eyes wide with fright. I can understand that. She sits with her back against the wall every night. I guess she’s not ready to walk around amongst everyone yet.
“I’ve seen the responses online. Lots of people seem interested. Are you sure you’re not being too picky?”
“Yes. No. I don’t have any idea. Ideally, I’d like someone with experience, but that’s not what’s making me gun shy.”
I turn to lean against the counter and sip my drink. It hits the spot.
“What’s the problem?”
“See those guys out there?” We both watch the scene at the pool table as it unfolds. There are smiles and laughter. People are clapping each other on the back and even Dwayne fits right in. “They’re comfortable letting their hair down and just having a good time. I don’t want to ruin that. Anyone who works here needs to be discreet. You were an easy hire because you already know these guys. This is your circle so you get it. Not everyone will. I don’t want the wrong person working here who blows the lid off everything.”
“I see. It’s less about finding someone who can do the job and more about finding someone you can trust.”
“Exactly. How in the world am I supposed to find that from a few online applications?”
Kiersten wipes her hands on a towel and flings it over her shoulder. “That’s a tough one. I might have an idea though.”
“I’m open to anything at this point.”
“Jaxon’s brother is going to school here now and I’m pretty sure he mentioned that he’s looking for a job.”
I furrow my brow. That doesn’t sound right for some reason. “Isn’t his brother in high school or something?”
“His other brother.”
Again, what am I missing? “Wait, Jaxon has another brother?”
“I think Kade is his birth dad’s son or something? I don’t remember how all that works. I just know he’s a freshman at Southeast and he’s paying all his own expenses. I accidentally overheard the conversation so that’s all I know. But with it being Jaxon’s brother…”
“He’s got some experience with the world of professional football,” I finish for her, my brain already thinking through what kind of a fit he could be.
“That would be my guess. At the very least, Jaxon might be able to help you explain why discretion is important while working here.”
“That’s a really good idea, Kiersten. Thank you.” I take another drink, not ready to go back to the office, which feels more like a cave right now. Instead, I take a few minutes to watch Kiersten work. She’s mesmerizing to me. The graceful way she moves. The beautiful way she smiles at people. The way that smile never quite leaves her plump lips, even when she’s not speaking with anyone.
“I miss you.”
I don’t mean to say the words out loud, but they’ve left my lips before I can stop them. I don’t regret it, but I’m not sure from the look Kiersten gives me if they’re welcome.
“I miss you, too,” she finally says quietly. “But that doesn’t mean I’ve changed my mind.”
“I know. I guess I just want you to know my feelings haven’t changed.”
“Hey, Kiersten,” Tammy yells interrupting the moment. “I got a big order for ya.”
The woman I love turns away from me and begins the task of pulling together buckets of ice, bottles of beer, and the occasional mixed beverage. Tammy’s not kidding it’s a big order. Seems like everyone in this place got thirsty at the same time.
“The game is over and they’re celebrating Dwayne’s victory,” Tammy exclaims with delight. I guess she was more invested in the game than I realized.
I jump in and help them gather everything, most of which doesn’t even fit on Tammy’s tray. This is going to take several trips.
“Do you mind taking these over to the booth?” Tammy asks Kiersten, gesturing over her shoulder to Frankie’s favorite spot. Frankie isn’t here tonight, but he’s not the only one who seems to like that high-back booth.
“Sure thing. Can you cover me back here?” Kiersten asks me but doesn’t wait for an answer before she takes off to make the delivery. Like I said, some things work like clockwork around here.
“While she’s out of earshot and I have the chance, I need you to listen to me and listen good.” The forcefulness of Tammy’s words make me take pause. “I don’t know what you did to make things worse, but I’m tired of you two pining over each other from a distance. It’s time for you to make a big gesture.”
Fancy words coming from someone who’s feelings aren’t on the line. “Some romance novel shit is not going to win her over. I just need to keep proving I’m trustworthy. Slow and steady and all that.”
“That’s hogwash and you know it.” Tammy points her finger at me and I’m taken slightly aback at her aggressiveness. “Every woman wants a grand gesture, especially if you spend most of your time being private.”
I open my mouth to argue but she cuts me off before I can say a word.
“No. You listen to me. Putting yourself on the line in private is one thing, but there’s no accountability in that. Putting yourself on the line in public? That means a whole lot of people will be pissed off at you if you don’t follow through. See the difference?”
Oddly, I do. I hadn’t thought of it that way. I look over at Nicole for confirmation.
She nods in agreement. “Everything Spence did was private. His parents are still trying to keep his sins private. No one has ever put themselves out there for her publicly.”
And now I feel like an idiot. Of course, she feels like I’m not trustworthy. My intentions might be different, but I’m treating our relationship the exact same way Spence did. Like it’s something that doesn’t need to be discussed publicly. To me, it’s because I don’t want to screw it up. I want to keep it to myself so no outside influences cause problems. But to her, it’s reminiscent of the worst blow she’s ever been dealt.
I need to fix this, I’m just not sure how.
My eyes search the room quickly, looking for her. I should have known I’d find her on the dance floor, helping celebrate with Dwayne. That man is holding one of her hands while he shows off some fancy footwork. Kiersten’s face is radiating joy as she keeps up with whatever steps he throws at her.
I can’t help when my lips quirk up. She does that to me. Even just watching her makes me feel happy.
Tammy snickers next to me. “Nothing that girl loves more than taking a spin around the dance floor.”
And that’s when an idea begins to form. If she needs a grand gesture, I think I have the perfect one.
TWENTY-SIX
Kiersten
&
nbsp; “Bye, buddy. Have fun at school.”
Carson runs into his classroom without looking back.
“Harumph,” I grumble under my breath. “I see how it is.”
Nicole laughs lightly next to me. “At least he likes his daycare. Not everyone can say that.” She doesn’t have to gesture behind her for me to know who she’s talking about. It’s pretty clear by how long the shrieking has been going on in the hallway that one of the two-year-olds still has his mother in a chokehold while his teacher tries to untangle his arms.
“Sometimes I wish Carson loved me like that.”
“It’ll only make things weird when he’s my age.”
She’s got a point. And she’s right, it is good that he enjoys school because he’s going to be spending more time here today. Paul called me in to work early. Something about not having time for inventory at night anymore so we need to do it during the day. The words themselves made sense, but it was the tone he used that made me question his truthfulness.
Or maybe it’s just me still struggling with the stalemate that we’ve found ourselves in.
I’ve been stuck in my head ever since our fall out and all the thinking time has led me to a realization. I’m in love with Paul. Bone deep, soul defying love. And while people think love heals all wounds, it doesn’t. It doesn’t even come close. And that’s where I’m stuck. I’m not fully healed from the scars that cover my soul and not even loving Paul can change that.
“Thanks for letting me drop him early,” I say with a wave to the director as we walk past her office on our way out.
“No problem. Heath pays for full-time care in case you need it so it’s yours to use.”
My only response is a shake of my head. Of course, he pays for full-time daycare. That’s something only Heath would feel is a good investment—daycare just in case it’s needed. I make a mental note to thank him once again. At this point, it’s the only thing I can do. There’s no way I’ll ever be able to repay him for everything.
Nicole and I climb into my car and head to Frui Vita several hours ahead of my normal schedule. Paul has assured me he’ll let me go home early as well, but I have my doubts. Inventory alone can go on for hours. And if I’m still there when the first batch of patrons come in, there’s no way I’ll be out of there before closing time. Not with only three of us working. I really hope he followed up with Jaxon’s brother. I have no idea if he’ll be a good fit, but at this point, he seems like our best bet.