Paula’s kids were tiptoing around the house trying to be quiet, trying to be brave. It broke Emily’s heart every time she saw them.
“Why don’t you let me take the kids home with me tonight?” she suggested to Paula. “You and Dave can have an evening on your own.”
“To do what, stare at each other and avoid the one topic neither of us wants to talk about?” Paula responded.
Emily regarded her with surprise. “If you want to talk, then you probably need to take the lead. I suspect Dave is trying not to upset you.”
Paula sighed. “No, the truth is we’ve run out of things to say. I mean, really, it’s not as if anything’s changed. I had surgery. Now I’m doing chemo. No one knows how any of this is going to turn out. What is there to talk about? Funeral arrangements?”
“Stop that!” Emily said, dismayed. “You’ll be old and gray before you need to worry about that. Maybe what you need to tell your husband, though, is that you’re scared. You have a right to be, you know. This is scary stuff.”
Paula’s eyes suddenly welled with tears. “When the doctor first told me and we came up with this whole plan, it was, like, okay, good. There’s a plan. I know what to do. Then all of a sudden, I realized, I could actually die…” She frowned when Emily started to interrupt. “No, you know it’s true. Why deny it? There is no guarantee in this plan that I won’t die.” She choked back a sob. “My kids aren’t even in high school yet, and I could miss seeing them graduate or get married. I could miss having grandkids.”
“But you’re not going to miss anything,” Emily said. “You are going to beat this. I insist on it.”
Paula chuckled, then swiped at her damp face with a tissue. “God, you sound just like Marcie. You spend too much time together. You’re starting to sound alike.”
“Are you kidding? She’s much more refined than I am,” Emily said.
Paula gave her an odd look. “Why would you say that? Because she spends a fortune on clothes and you don’t? Because she bakes cookies and makes gourmet meals? None of that makes her one bit better than you.”
Emily sighed. “I’m sorry. I sound as if I have a bad case of petty jealousy, don’t I? And I don’t, not really. I adore Marcie.”
“Me, too,” Paula said. “She’s been a godsend with all these appointments.” She frowned slightly. “Have you noticed that she seems a little off lately?”
Emily regarded her with a puzzled expression. “Off how?”
“I’m not sure I can explain it, just not her usual upbeat self, as if there’s something weighing on her.”
“To be honest I haven’t seen her for a couple of weeks, but she was okay last time we were together.”
“Maybe you should give her a call. I asked if everything was okay, but she blew me off. You two are much closer. Maybe she’ll open up with you.”
“I’ll call her the minute I get home. Thanks for saying something. Now you just need to say something about how you’re feeling to your husband. I’ve never seen a man more devoted to anyone than Dave is to you. Don’t shut him out, Paula. Let him be there for you.”
“I just feel he’s had to accept so much already,” Paula said. “The mastectomy, me starting to lose my hair, being sick all the time. It pretty much destroys the mystique that marriage needs to stay alive.”
“Or maybe it puts it on a whole new footing,” Emily suggested, giving her hand a squeeze. “Talk to him, okay?”
“I’ll do it tonight, bossy,” Paula said. “Thanks for being one of my biggest morale boosters.”
“You’d do the same for me,” Emily told her.
As she drove home, it wasn’t Paula’s low mood that was on her mind, though, it was her observation that something was going on with Marcie. As soon as she walked in the door, she picked up the phone.
“Hey,” she said when Marcie picked up, “mind if I run over for a minute?”
To her surprise, Marcie hesitated, then said, “Why don’t I come there instead? Five minutes, okay?”
“Sure,” Emily said, then slowly hung up, trying to recall the last time Marcie had wanted to stop by her house for a late-afternoon visit, rather than having Emily come over.
She waited until she saw Marcie coming through the hedge, then called out, “How about lemonade? I just bought a carton at the store yesterday and I don’t think the kids have been into it yet.”
“Sounds good. Did you see Paula today?”
“Just left her,” Emily confirmed as she went inside and took the carton from the refrigerator.
“Was her mood any better than it was this morning? She was pretty down.”
“The same this afternoon, but we talked a little and I think she felt better by the time I left.” She poured the lemonade over ice and put the glasses on the table, then sat down to join Marcie. “So, how are you? We haven’t had a minute to catch up for a couple of weeks now. How’d your mammogram go?”
“It was fine. Yours?”
“Okay, thank goodness, though I am not anxious to repeat the experience anytime soon.” She studied Marcie’s face and thought she detected a shadow of worry in her eyes. “Everything else okay?”
“Sure.”
“Really? You look as if something’s on your mind.”
Marcie’s smile seemed forced. “Not at all. I’ve just been very busy. Ken’s going out on his own, which means there are a thousand and one details for me to follow through on.”
Emily regarded her with surprise. “He’s opening his own company? When did that happen?”
Marcie avoided her gaze. “Oh, he’s been thinking about it forever and the time seemed right.”
Emily wasn’t buying it. There was something Marcie wasn’t saying, but obviously whatever it was she didn’t want to share it with Emily. “That’s great,” she said with feigned enthusiasm. “He must be excited.”
“And more demanding than usual,” Marcie said, her expression wry. “We’ve been looking at office space and picking out furniture. I could do all of that for him, but he insists on second-guessing every decision I make.”
“You’re not thinking of going to work for him, are you?” Emily asked.
Again, Marcie avoided meeting her gaze. “Just for a few weeks till things settle down.”
“Oh, Marcie, are you sure that’s wise?” she blurted before she could stop herself.
Marcie stiffened. “What do you mean?”
“Just that he can be awfully hard to please.”
“Don’t I know it,” Marcie agreed, visibly relaxing. “But it will only be for a little while, then he’ll find someone permanent.”
“Not if you do the same superb job for him at the office that you do at home,” Emily commented.
For the first time since she’d arrived, Marcie’s smile was genuine. “Honey, don’t you know by now that I am smart enough not to let that happen? I’ve lived with the man for more than fifteen years. I know exactly how to get him to replace me when I’m ready to go.”
Emily laughed. “That’s good then.”
“Everything okay around here?” Marcie asked. “The kids say Derek has been gone for a couple of weeks now. That’s even longer than usual, isn’t it?”
Emily’s good mood faded. “Yes, and it’s getting really old. I hardly feel as if I’m married anymore. Josh is getting to the age when he needs his dad around more than ever, but I can’t even catch up with Derek half the time to tell him what’s going on with his son, much less get his advice on how to handle it. Then when he is here, the kids have figured out how to play us off against one another because they know we never have time to come up with a joint plan. And Derek will always agree to whatever they ask, because he feels guilty about being gone. I’m sick of having to be the bad guy all the time.”
Marcie frowned. “I’ve never heard you say a word against your husband before.”
“I’ve never been this frustrated before,” Emily admitted. “I think watching Dave hover over Paula has made me realize what’
s missing in my marriage. Derek is a wonderful man in many ways, but he and I simply don’t have a real partnership. I wanted that from my marriage.”
“What are you going to do about it?” Marcie asked. “Have you told Derek how you feel?”
“More times than I can count. He just keeps saying things will get better. I’m rapidly losing patience.”
“You’re not thinking about divorcing him, are you?” Marcie asked, her tone hushed as if she hated to even speak the word.
Emily sighed. “I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do,” she said. “But I’m getting really tired of the status quo.”
And if Derek wasn’t motivated to change it, one of these days she would have to.
“What about a trial separation?” Marcie asked. “Maybe that would be just the wake-up call he needs.”
Emily shot her a look filled with irony. “We’re separated all the time as it is.”
“This would be different,” Marcie insisted. “But, okay, what about counseling?”
“I suggested it, and Derek even agreed to consider it, but every time I scheduled an appointment, we had to cancel because of one of his business trips. When I pointed out to him that that was exactly the problem with our lives, he accused me of not supporting his career the way he’s supported mine. Then he had the audacity to suggest that if I hadn’t gone back into teaching, I could have been traveling with him.”
“Maybe he had a point,” Marcie suggested.
“Oh, please, have you forgotten we have two children?” Emily retorted, as irritated now as she had been when Derek had made his outrageous claim. “What are we supposed to do with them if both of us go gallivanting off all over the place? Park them with you?”
“You could have,” Marcie said.
“No,” Emily replied fiercely. “It is not up to you to raise my kids.”
Marcie reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze. “Just don’t do anything rash, okay? Derek’s a great guy. You know that.”
“I do know,” Emily said with a sigh. “That’s why this is so awful.”
But more and more she was convinced that divorce might be the only way out.
Six months later, when Josh was fifteen and Dani thirteen, Emily finally called it quits with her marriage. She’d tired of the loneliness, of Derek’s long absences on business trips. All the money in the world couldn’t compensate for the sense that she was the only one truly giving anything to their relationship.
As she sat at Marcie’s kitchen table, tears rolled down her cheeks. It didn’t matter that the decision was right. It still hurt.
“I don’t know what else to do,” she told Marcie. “Am I wrong for wanting more out of my marriage? Nothing I’ve said has made one bit of difference with Derek. Nothing’s changed.”
Marcie gave her a sympathetic look. “No,” she said softly. “But you’re braver than I am. I don’t think I could face being on my own. What would I do?”
For an instant, Emily was snapped out of her own troubles. “Are you and Ken having problems? You always seem so cheerful.” In fact, she’d often wondered how Marcie stayed so upbeat when her husband was such a jerk. Ever since Ken had opened his own office, he’d been worse than ever. Marcie had worked for him for exactly two weeks before she’d insisted on hiring her own replacement.
Marcie regarded her with a wry expression. “Cheerful is in my job description. Do everything around here, keep a perfect house, fix perfect meals, raise perfect children, and smile no matter what. Heaven forbid, anyone see a crack in the image of a perfect family.”
It was the first time that Emily had detected even a trace of bitterness in her friend. “I had no idea you were so unhappy. I mean I know he drove you nuts at work, but I thought everything else was solid. I guess we’ve both done a pretty good job of covering, even with each other.”
“Some things you don’t share, not even with best friends,” Marcie said. “And I’m not unhappy. Not really. I’m just having one of those days, I suppose.” She waved off the comment before Emily could respond, then forced a smile. “Enough about me. Are you really going to ask Derek for a divorce?”
“Ask? No, I think this is one time when I’ll tell him how it’s going to be.” She gave Marcie a rueful smile. “You know the really sad part? He’ll be shocked.”
“Then maybe that will give you a chance. You’ll have his full attention.”
Emily shook her head. “It won’t be enough to make him change and since I can’t change my expectations, it’s too late. I just have to accept that it’s over.”
To Emily’s regret, she was right. Derek was stunned when she told him she intended to file for divorce, but he didn’t even waste his breath protesting that he would change when they both knew the words would be little more than empty promises. He just quietly packed his bags and moved to a suite in a hotel closer to his office.
The kids seemed to take it in stride, too, since little changed around the house. They’d grown accustomed to their father being gone on the most important occasions of their lives. He hadn’t been in town for a birthday or school assembly or awards ceremony in years.
The divorce was accomplished with a minimum of fuss and hardly any lingering resentment. Perhaps that was the saddest part of all.
As she and Derek left the courthouse, she regarded him closely for any sign that he regretted the dissolution of their marriage as much as she did. Instead, he looked as if he were in his usual hurry to be somewhere else.
“I don’t suppose you want to go somewhere for coffee and talk about this,” she said.
He studied her blankly for a minute. “This?”
“How our lives are going to change now. When you’re going to see the kids. That kind of thing.”
“I thought we’d work it out as we go,” he said. “We don’t need some sort of formal agreement, do we?”
Emily sighed. “No, of course not.”
He gave her a distracted kiss on the cheek as if they were separating till dinner, rather than for the rest of their lives.
“I’ll be in touch,” he said. “Call me if you or the kids need anything.”
She watched him stride off and tried to remember how she’d ever fallen in love with a man capable of such a total lack of emotion. The last time she’d seen Derek’s eyes shine with excitement or enthusiasm, he’d been talking about some deal he’d made, not looking at her or the kids at all.
She told herself she was well rid of him, that her future was brighter without him, that she could cope with raising the kids on her own since she’d been doing it that way for years anyway.
By the time she got home, she’d convinced herself that she was just fine. She threw her purse on the kitchen table, walked outside and crossed the yard and went straight to Marcie’s back door. It opened before she could knock and Marcie held out her arms. Emily stepped into the embrace and burst into tears.
“It’s over,” she whispered. “In the blink of an eye, it was just over, almost as if it didn’t even matter.”
“Of course it mattered,” Marcie said fiercely. “You and Derek had some good times, you know you did. And you have two amazing kids. How could that not matter?”
“It doesn’t to Derek,” she said with a sniff.
“I doubt that.”
“He walked away without a second glance. He was already thinking about his next meeting.”
“Which is exactly why you divorced him,” Marcie reminded her. “But that doesn’t mean it was always that way. You’re allowed to mourn the good memories, even while you curse his black soul for making you so miserable.”
Emily grinned through her tears. “Curse his black soul? Where’d you come up with that one? Did Caitlyn sneak one of my historical romance novels over to you? Besides, he hasn’t made me miserable. He left me feeling nothing and that’s a thousand times worse.”
“I’m sorry,” Marcie said, then gave her a hesitant look. “I baked a cake for the occasion.”
Em
ily laughed. Leave it to the ultimate planner to have thought of that. “Of course, you did. Are we having a party, too?”
“I have half-a-dozen people on standby if you want one,” Marcie said. “Should I call them?”
“What the hell,” Emily replied. “Somebody needs to mark the occasion. Make those calls.” She hesitated. “What about the kids?”
“Paula and I have that covered. Dave’s taking all of them out to a ball game and pizza after. We thought it would be a good distraction for Dani and Josh. Okay with you?”
“What would I do without friends like you guys?”
“Have a pity party all alone?” Marcie suggested.
“Probably,” Emily agreed. “But there wouldn’t be cake.”
5
Marcie was at her wit’s end. If Ken had been obsessed with work before, he was now a thousand times worse. Hardly a night passed when he didn’t have a business dinner and even weekends were spent playing golf with clients, then hanging around the club to have drinks.
At first, she’d anticipated that she’d be as busy as he was, entertaining the way she’d always done, but to her dismay he took his clients to restaurants. It was rare that he even thought to include her. It left her at loose ends and with the kids getting older, she had fewer and fewer demands on her time. Neither Evan nor Caitlyn appreciated a gourmet meal, when they could grab a burger with their friends. She’d even cut back on her baking, since she was almost the only one eating the cookies, cakes and pies. She still kept something on hand for Emily’s visits, but lately both of them had started worrying about their weight. More and more, brownies, lemon bars and decadent chocolate cake were guilty pleasures reserved for special occasions.
Today, though, she simply didn’t give a darn about any of that. She’d baked a key lime pie, her personal favorite, and if she wanted to sit at the kitchen table and eat the whole thing, then who was going to stop her? She was on her second slice when Emily walked in.
Mending Fences Page 6