by Izzy Shows
I was struck by how unfair this dynamic was for him.
"I'm sorry, no."
"Then I guess that's that, then," he said, his shoulders dropping.
I never thought I would hurt him.
34
It took a while, but I eventually got Lillai's call with the go ahead. As soon as I got off the phone with her, I called the others to let them know that operation kamikaze—OK, so I was the only one that was thinking of it this way—was in effect.
No one appreciated my fantastic sense of humour.
Especially not Shawn.
I sat on the steps outside still, inhaling nicotine like it was going out of style, while Shawn stood awkwardly to one side. Saying nothing. Simmering in his distaste for my decision.
I wanted to tell myself that his new aversion to what was going on was because he had learned the truth of the matter, but it was hard to tell if that was what was going on or if he had allowed our involvement with one another to colour things. If that was the case, it would be best to break it off now, before he became too attached.
"I'm going to call Mal, the demon, down. Are you going to be OK?" I stubbed my cigarette out on the concrete beside me.
"I'm fine. Call whoever you need."
I sighed. "Please don't be like this. It's no different from the thousands of other missions I've gone out on."
"You never gave me advance notice, or an opportunity to dissuade you."
I frowned. That was true. Maybe this wasn't new behaviour for him. There had been a year and a half where I had just requested his help without so much as an explanation for what had happened to get me into the state he found me in; perhaps he had wanted to tell me to cut it out for a long time. Maybe I was reading too much into things.
Something to think about later, when I wasn't prepping for a mission.
"Malphas, Malphas, Malphas." I chanted his name without fanfare or circles to contain him—I hadn't done that since the day I'd asked him to make a deal with me. That had been a situation where I thought it prudent to have a contingency plan, just in case he turned on me.
He appeared a moment later, hair slightly dishevelled, a lopsided grin on his face.
"I take it by your stern demeanour that the mage leader gave us the go ahead?"
I sighed. "Yes."
"Glorious. Chin up, Blair. There's going to be a fight."
I glanced nervously at Shawn, but he didn't say anything, he wasn't even looking at us. He would never understand how I enjoyed the fight, how I looked forward to it and couldn't see myself doing anything else.
Mal got that. He knew what it was like to go in guns blazing, to smash into things you had no right to be dealing with, to take victory by the edge of a blade and know that you had earned it.
Shawn may have been military, but he didn't seem to understand the call that sang to us.
My eyes danced back to Mal and I allowed myself a vicious smile. Whether I liked how we were going about this, I was excited to be getting into the thick of things again. My blood was already pumping, the brand on my skin was thrumming with energy. Everything in me knew what was coming and was demanding that it hurry up and come already.
“You need to downplay your excitement,” I said, sending the thoughts to Mal along an energy path that was becoming more and more comfortable as time wore on.
“Whatever for? You enjoy the fight. I enjoy the fight. There is no shame in this.”
I jerked my head towards Shawn's back. “He's worried about me.”
“Of course he is.” Mal rolled his eyes. “He doesn't understand what you are capable of, likely he never will. And you should be glad of that; you would lose your little sex toy if he could understand, he would be too afraid to touch you.”
I frowned. I hoped that he wasn't right, because I saw it as only a matter of time before the knowledge of exactly how powerful I was came about. Someday, everyone was going to know it, and I wouldn't be able to hide any longer. I did not relish the idea of that day coming, but I knew in the back of my mind it was going to happen.
I had made two decisions two years ago, to accept the power that Mal had offered to me, and to fight at Tyburn tree. Those decisions had decided the course of my fate.
I may not believe in God, I may not have religion, but I believed in fate.
Thinking of Tyburn Tree reminded me that I had one more person that I needed to call while I waited on Finn and Emily to arrive—Raven.
Raven is a Gods damned terrifying creature. I never wanted to end up on their bad side, because I had no idea how bad it could get. I knew that they were more powerful than I could ever hope to wrap my head around, I knew that they were ageless in a way my brain couldn't compute, I knew they were an unnamed creature that prowled alongside without concern for how anyone regarded them.
Closing my mind to Mal for the moment, I focussed my eyes on the noon sun. Raven. I have need of you.
A crackle of lighting came from nowhere, and in the scorched earth before me stood Raven. Their eyes were a slash of silver, their white haired floated alongside their shoulders, and they wore their usual black garb.
I was always struck by how alien and intimidating they looked, how their movements sent shivers skittering down my spine.
"You called me," they said, their eyes meeting mine.
I bobbed my head. "I need to let you in on the plan, now that it's been finalised."
Their eyes narrowed to slits. "You made a plan without me."
I smiled. "Don't worry, you're going to like it. It fits with your whole ability to balance the number of lives dying versus the number of lives saved."
Raven had a morality compass that I had never been able to make heads or tails of.
They tilted their head to the side, eyes not moving at all. "What is your plan?"
"We're using a bunch of mages as bait, risking their lives, and just generally being shit lords," I said with a tight smile.
"Hey, you left out the part where there's going to be one hell of a fight," Mal said, moving to stand beside Raven.
Raven turned to look at him, disdain in their eyes.
Mal shrugged. "Don't give me that look, you know you're eager for a fight."
"I will not be partaking," they said.
"Why not?" I sat up a little straighter. I had kind of been counting on them being there, helping me. I didn't like the idea of them...not being there.
"You have proven yourself time and time again, Sheach," Raven said. "You are capable of this without me. I do not doubt you. I prefer not to engage in battle whenever possible."
Their words hit me like a rock.
I do not doubt you.
One person. I had one bloody person who believed in me.
And I'd be damned if it wasn't the one person whose opinion mattered the most.
I blinked away the tears that threatened my eyes, turning my head to the side and muttering something about smoke.
The sound of tires crunching on gravel reached my ears a moment later, and I saw Emily and Finn getting out of her car. They had obviously decided to carpool together. The sun glinted from Emily's armor as she strode from the car with purpose, her emerald eyes landing on mine and not looking away.
I felt my heart kick up that odd little beat it liked to do whenever I saw her.
"Hey," I said, my voice as soft as silk.
She smiled, lifting her hand to wave in greeting. "How are you holding up?"
I shrugged. "Well as can be expected. I don't like what we're about to do."
"Good," she said, nodding her head. "Neither do I. It's important that you remember what your values are, Blair. You can't let go of them, or you won't know what you've become."
What you've become. Hadn't I just been freaking out about not knowing what I'd turned into, not recognising who I'd been just two years ago?
I looked down at the ground between my legs, scuffing my foot against the concrete. I was never going to be worthy of Emily's friendship, no matter
how much I tried. She was always going to be more than I could ever hope. I was always going to let her down—she just didn't know it yet.
"So, we're doing this?" Finn stepped up behind Emily. My eyes took in the guns at his waist, two more hanging beneath his arms in a shoulder holster. He was ready for battle, and he didn't seem the least bit concerned at what we were about to do.
Were the girls the only ones going into this with nerves? How stereotypical. Then again, I had to remind myself that Emily wasn't going in with nerves, just with a disdain for the situation in general. I was the one wracked with worry that something was going to go horribly wrong—interestingly enough, though, I wasn't that worried that I wouldn't make it out.
Not because I assumed I would. No, I had spent quite a few minutes here thinking about how I might not make it out alive, and I'd decided that I was OK with that. It might be a suicide mission, but it was for a good cause.
Innocent lives were always a good cause.
"We're doing this," I said. I stood in one fluid motion, everyone's eyes turning to look at me in an unnerving fashion. I stared back at them for a moment before I turned and walked into my house without another word.
Fred was there, my gear in his hands. I don't know how he knew that I was coming; I'd meant to go down to the basement and get it myself, but he was just standing there with his wide eyes, staring at me and holding the thigh harness and wands tightly.
"Hey, Fred," I said, smiling at him. "You OK?"
I watched his throat work around a hard swallow, and then he shook his giant head. "No, Miss. Is not OK. Is not OK at all."
I walked forward and crouched in front of him, forgetting for a moment that he was eons old. In that moment, he looked like a scared child, and I just wanted to make it all better. "What's wrong?"
"You is thinking of not coming back," he said, his voice quavering. "You is having to come back!"
"Hey, shhh, don't talk about that." I pushed my gear out of his hands and pulled him into a tight hug. He clung to me, his little body trembling against mine. "Of course I'm going to come back to you, Fred. I promise. Nothing is going to stop me from coming home, OK?"
He sniffled, his whole body shaking did not stop, and I felt him shake his head. "Everyone is always leaving..."
My heart shattered into a thousand pieces and I felt tears leak out of my eyes as I held him tighter. "I'm coming home." My voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "I promise, Fred, I promise I'm coming home."
The words had somehow made their way out of my throat, so they had to be true. At least, I believed them. In that moment, I didn't believe anything else in the world more. Because I would not break my promise to Fred, I would not let him be hurt again.
I was going to come home to him.
35
The metal door of the compound shrieked as Mal pushed it open, though I was the only one there to hear it. Emily and Finn had gone to check on the mages and make sure that everyone was ready for the fight. I had wanted Emily to go instead of me for a multitude of reasons; the most prominent of which was that there was no way in hell that Lillai could object to her. Add in the fact that it was no big deal if people knew who Emily was, because she made no secret of it, and it was the perfect solution all around.
Mal and I had gone ahead to get things set up.
He turned to look at me as I walked into the compound, concern obvious in his eyes.
"You've been quiet," he said.
"Yeah," I said, shrugging. "I'm not feeling so good about this fight, Mal."
"What is that supposed to mean?" His eyes narrowed.
I looked at him for a long moment, debating on telling him about my concerns. I had never been so focussed on my potential death before a fight as I was now, and that was something that concerned me. Was it a premonition of what was to come?
I didn't want to think that I had lied to Fred, that my last words to him were going to be something that haunted him for years to come...if they were my last words.
They might not be. You're being a big baby. Pull it together.
Had Aidan known?
He'd been cursed, but had he known that he was about to die? I had to wonder. He'd been so weird about the whole thing, and here I was, moving through the motions as if I were already a ghost.
"Shut the door," I said at last, throwing my bag down beside one wall. Inside it were all kinds of back up material and ritual components that we were going to use to set up traps throughout the compound.
He gave me a look, for a moment I thought he was going to argue, but he shut the door without saying a word.
"Thank yo—"
"No," he said, his voice dark.
"What?"
He stalked over to me, getting in my face, making me flinch.
"I know what's in your head, and the answer is no. You're not going to die tonight. I'm not going to let it happen."
I snorted. "Oh, because you get to make all the decisions about who lives and dies? Last I checked, you're not a God, Mal. Just a Fallen Angel."
He quirked an eyebrow at me. "Just a Fallen Angel?"
"Yeah, just a Fallen Angel."
"You have no concept of what that means, you spend way too much time around powerful entities. Druxglieqfredhelic, Raven, me...You don't know how to comprehend what we are, so you try to normalise us."
"What does that have to do with anything?" I was slightly annoyed that Fred's name had rolled off his tongue as if it was his native language. Could everyone say the imp's name except for me, was I just a shit head that didn't know how to speak?
"It means that yes, Blair, I get to decide. I get to decide if you're going to die tonight, and I'm not letting it happen, so get that through your head and get it on straight."
"Listen, Mal, I know you'd love to pretend that you're all powerful, and maybe it makes you feel better to think about this fight as just a practice round—fuck, we're doing it in the damn compound where we've been training all summer! Of course it feels like practice to you. But it's not, it's going to be hard, we don't know what's going to happen, and yes. Yes, Mal. I could die. You need to prepare yourself for that."
Why? Why did he need to prepare himself for that? Why was I going down this road, voicing my apprehension to someone who couldn't possibly understand the fear of death, when I could just suck it up and deal with it.
His fingers flexed, and my eyes darted to follow the sudden movement. One of his hands was fisted, the knuckles white.
Was he worried about me?
Don't be a dolt, of course he is. He's done a lot to keep you alive, he's been worried about you before.
Somehow, it still surprised me.
"Hey, do you remember the moor?" A corner of my lips tilted up into a half smile.
This past summer, when I had taken on a house full of vampires, I had called Mal down for his help to get me my gear. Only, I hadn't been willing to call him into the actual room in case it was going to trip off alarms. I'd thought it best to wait until he was ready to bring me my stuff to do that, if we were only going to have the one opportunity. So instead, I had called him into a dreamscape of my own creation. A Scottish moor.
It had been so peaceful, so out of place in the turmoil of what I'd been going through at the time.
He tilted his head to the side, eyes narrowing. "I do. Why?"
My lips stretched wider, into a full grin, as I chuckled. "I don't know, just...you and me, hanging out before a fight. It reminded me of the calm before the storm."
"Funny, since it was the calm before an actual storm back on your little moor." He smirked.
"Don't be a tool."
"You're not saying goodbye, Blair. I'm not letting you." There was a pain in his voice that I hadn't expected.
I blinked, confused. Had I been saying goodbye? I thought I was just recalling a pleasant memory, but now as I replayed the conversation we'd just had...it did sound like a goodbye.
Fuck.
I needed to get my he
ad on straight, before all this worry came true.
I couldn't shake the feeling, though.
Something was going to happen tonight.
36
Mages filed in, some came one by one, some came in groups of five, some walked in holding another's hands like their lives depended on it.
Maybe they did.
I watched from the far end of the compound as they came, taking stock of each of them and wondering what they would be able to do. I twirled my fire wand around and around in one hand, thinking all the while. This was going to be a shit show, I already knew it, but I couldn't let them know that. They were already skittish as a herd of sheep that had smelt the wolf.
Come on, guys, we can do this. I thought to myself, praying that it would be true. This was the first time I had ever gone into a fight with other mages at my side—I'd almost done it that first time, at Tyburn Tree, but Aidan had been taken before we could fight together. I didn't know how it was going to play out, but I had a sneaking suspicion it wasn't going to be as good as I hoped.
Which was saying something, as my hopes weren't very high to begin with.
As the compound became more and more packed, the chatter rose to an almost deafening level. I made out little snippets of conversation—all worries of what was to come.
"How is this going to go?"
"I have no idea...I'm scared."
"Lillai said that it would be OK."
She had? She'd lied to them. It wasn't going to be OK. I was surprised that she had told them that, but I understood the logic behind it—no need to create a stampede when this was the only way to get through the challenge in front of us.
I didn't see her in the group yet, but it was growing larger by the second, which meant it would only be harder to spot her. I didn't have any doubts that she would show; she wouldn't leave her precious mages alone with me.
I was a little surprised by the size of the group, it was larger than the town hall meeting I'd attended, which meant that a lot of them didn't come to everyone. She had rounded up every single person in London with even a lick of magical talent. Whether this was going to be enough for the succubus was still up for debate, but it was the only hope I had.