I was alone with my Father for the first time in ten billion years.
“Hello,” I said. He spoke to me not in words, but in a wave of comfort and peace. “I missed you,” I blurted out before my pride could stop me. I covered my mouth with my sleeve to hold back a sob.
“So this is what it takes,” I said, “to bring us together again. You’re a sad, sadistic son-of-a-bitch. I guess that’s where I get it from. But such a cost, so much sorrow, to bring me to the point where I’d cry out for you. All the people who loved her, and all the people she could have helped. If anything I ever did has led to this, then I’m sorry. I’m not sorry to you, or to me. I’m sorry to her.
“I’ll come to you, like I promised her, and you can accept me back into your realm, if it is your will. But I won’t obey you, and I won’t serve you. We’ve been apart too long for that. I’ll just be near you. If your love is as unconditional as she said it was, you won’t ask for more.” I lowered my head. “I know I won’t ask for more.”
The warmth lingered for a moment, then swept through me and away. I shivered.
“Goodbye, Gianna.” I stood and touched her casket with my fingertips. “Thank you.”
Marcus approached me. “Ready?” he said. I nodded, and we walked back toward the limo together. “Who were you talking to back there?”
“God.”
“Oh. Sorry to interrupt.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “He’s gone now.”
“Well, that’s a comforting thought.”
38
Et Lux Perpetua Luceat Eis
Dear Marcus,
Don’t panic. I haven’t killed myself, though sometimes I wish I could. I must go away, and you will probably never see me again. If only I could be there for you and your family to share our grief, but there’s somewhere I need to be. Please understand, although that’s impossible.
I have enclosed several important items:
The first is a list of numbers and passwords for all my Swiss bank accounts. The money is now yours. All the legal arrangements have been made. I chose you because I knew you’d only keep the first few million dollars for yourself. Please give the rest to whatever causes or charities Gianna supported. I am ashamed to admit that while she was alive I never cared to find out what they were.
The rest of the package consists of my musical compositions. If you like, you may claim them as your own. Just make sure they’re heard.
I think I will miss you a great deal. There is a piece of Gianna that dwells within you. Keep it alive.
Your friend,
Louis
I thought about adding “P.S.: Beware of my brother,” but didn’t want to end the letter on an ominous note.
After mailing the package to Marcus, I made a direct deposit of fifteen million dollars (after taxes) in Daphne’s checking account and sent her a telegram that read: “Congratulations! You’re fired. Have a good life.”
I couldn’t bring myself to meet with my former comrades, knowing that some of them had conspired to end Gianna’s life. But I sent a general proclamation officially transferring all infernal authority to Mephistopheles. He would make an efficient and occasionally brilliant Devil. I had Belial transferred to a private psychiatric hospital and secured enough money for him to live there in peace until he was finally called to Heaven, which I hoped wouldn’t be long.
So went my preparations for ending my time on Earth. Now I sit here in my library enjoying my last glass of fine scotch. I will leave this manuscript, my own Requiem, here next to the feather from my scorched wings. I wonder what my new wings will feel like, or if I’ll even get that far. Perhaps I will be annihilated the moment I enter the doorway, disintegrated like a leaf at ground zero. Either way, it will be a quieter Armageddon than any poet or preacher could have imagined.
It’s too much to ask to be remembered for anything other than terror and despair and cold-blooded chaos, for anything other than evil. I can only beg the muse of history to include this among my legacies—that I loved Gianna as well as I could.
Without knowing it, she gave me in return a glimpse of a forgotten paradise. If Heaven is the sun, then Gianna was the moon for me—a pale, brilliant reflection of God’s love in the midnight of my long, dark existence.
Epilogue
At twilight, on a dark street in the depths of Anacostia, a young boy in a gray hooded sweatshirt loitered outside a liquor store. A blue sport utility vehicle pulled up to the curb a few feet away from him. Money and vials changed hands.
The night grew darker. The neighborhood’s only functioning streetlight burned across the street, outside the AIDS hospice. A little girl in pigtail braids approached the boy.
“Luther, Mama says come home for dinner.”
“Get back, bitch. Can’t you see I’m workin’?”
“I’m tellin’ her you called me that!” The little girl ran down the sidewalk, then stopped and stared at the approaching figure.
Walking up the other side of the street was a tall, well-dressed white man with black hair. He carried a large rolled-up piece of paper.
“That one of your customers, Luther?” the girl said.
“I hope so.” The boy began to saunter across the street, then saw the man pause in front of the hospice. “Naw, he’s just a doctor or a priest or somethin’. Shit.”
The man examined the piece of paper in his hands under the pale orange streetlight, then looked at the building again, his head cocked. He stuffed the paper in his back pocket and took a step toward the brick facade. Without looking around, he stripped off his clothing until he was naked.
“What the fuck?” Luther said under his breath. “Don’t look, Mia.” The little girl gawked at the naked man and tugged on her green mitten string.
The man hesitated only a moment before moving his hand towards the hospice building, on the brick next to the door. Instead of touching the wall, his hand moved through it, and as it did, the bricks transformed into light one by one, until they created a luminous doorway.
“Holy shit!” Luther ran to his little sister and swept her into his arms. He backed away from the street until he bumped into the side of the liquor store.
The man stepped through the doorway of light. As he did, his body seemed to dissipate until it too was made of light. There was no sound.
Suddenly, the doorway vanished, and the bricks became bricks again.
Mia whimpered in Luther’s arms. He looked at her tear-drenched face, then back at the building, then at his sister again.
“Let’s go home, okay?” he said.
Luther turned and walked down the sidewalk, Mia’s arms around his neck.
“Mama made tater tots,” she said.
“Yeah?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Good. I like tater tots.”
Appendix: Requiem
I. Requiem & Kyrie
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine,
Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord,
et lux perpetua luceat eis.
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
Te decet hymnus, Deus, in Sion,
There shall be singing unto Thee in Sion,
et tibi reddetur votum in Jerusalem.
and prayer shall go up to Thee in Jerusalem.
Exaudi orationem meam,
Hear my prayer,
ad te omnis caro veniet.
unto Thee all flesh shall come.
Kyrie eleison, Christe eleison.
Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy.
II. Dies Irae
Dies irae, dies illa,
Day of wrath, day of mourning,
solvet saeclum in favilla,
earth in smouldering ashes lying,
teste David cum Sibylla.
so spake David and the Sibyl.
Quantus tremor est futurus,
How great the trembling shall be
quando Judex est venturus,
when the Judge shall come,
cun
cta stricte discussurus!
by whose sentence all shall be bound!
Tuba mirum spargens sonum,
The trumpet, sending its wondrous sound
per sepulchra regionum,
through the tombs in every land,
coget omnes ante thronum.
shall bring all before the throne.
Mors stupebit et natura,
Death shall stun and nature quake
cum resurget creatura,
when all creatures rise again
Judicanti responsura.
to answer to the Judge.
Liber scriptus proferetur,
The written book shall be brought forth
in quo totum continetur,
in which all is recorded,
unde mundus judicetur.
whence the world shall be judged.
Judex ergo cum sedebit,
Therefore, when the Judge shall be seated
quidquid latet apparebit,
nothing shall be hidden any longer,
nil inultum remanebit.
no wrong shall remain unpunished.
Quid sum miser tunc dicturus?
What shall I, a poor sinner, say?
Quem patronum rogaturus,
What patron shall I entreat
cum vix justus sit securus?
when even the just need mercy?
Rex tremendae majestatis,
King of tremendous majesty,
qui salvandos salvas gratis,
who sends us free salvation,
salva me, fons pietatis.
save me, fount of mercy.
Recordare, Jesu pie,
Remember, kind Jesus,
quod sum causa tuae viae,
that I caused thy earthly course.
ne me perdas illa die.
Do not forget me on that day.
Quaerens me, sedisti lassus,
Seeking me, Thou sat down weary,
redemisti crucem passus;
redeemed me on the cross of suffering;
tantus labor non sit cassus.
such labor should not be in vain.
Juste Judex ultionis,
Righteous Judge of retribution,
donum fac remissionis
grant the gift of absolution
ante diem rationis.
before the day of reckoning.
Ingemisco tamquam reus,
I groan, as one who is accused;
culpa rubet vultus meus,
guilt reddens my cheek;
supplicanti parce, Deus.
spare thy supplicant, O God.
Qui Mariam absolvisti,
Thou who absolved Mary,
et latronem exaudisti,
and harkened to the thief,
mihi quoque spem dedisti.
hast given hope to me.
Preces meae non sunt dignae,
My prayers are worthless,
sed tu bonus fac benigne,
but Thou, who art good and kind,
ne perenni cremer igne.
rescue me from everlasting fire.
Inter oves locum praesta,
With thy sheep give me a place,
et ab hoedis me sequestra,
and from the goats keep me separate,
statuens in parte dextra.
placing me at thy right hand.
Confutatis maledictis,
When the wicked have been confounded,
flammis acribus addictis,
doomed to the devouring flames,
voca me cum benedictis.
call me with the blessed.
Oro supplex et acclinis,
I pray, supplicant and kneeling,
cor contritum quasi cinis,
my heart crushed almost to ashes;
gere curam mei finis.
watch o’er me in my final hour.
Lacrymosa dies illa,
Tearful shall that day be
qua resurget ex favilla,
when from the ashes shall arise
judicandus homo reus.
guilty man to be judged.
Huic ergo parce, Deus,
Spare him then, O God;
pie Jesu Domine,
gentle Lord Jesus,
dona eis requiem. Amen.
grant him eternal rest. Amen.
III. Offertorio
Domine Jesu Christe, Rex gloriae,
Lord Jesus Christ, King of glory,
libera animas omnium fidelium defunctorum
free the souls of all the faithful departed
de poenis inferni et de profundo lacu.
from the pains of hell and from the deep pit.
Libera eas de ore leonis,
Free them from the lion’s mouth,
ne absorbeat eas tartarus,
lest hell devour them
ne cadant in obscurum;
or they fall into darkness;
sed signifer sanctus Michael
let the standard-bearer, St. Michael,
repraesentet eas in lucem sanctam,
lead them into the holy light,
quam olim Abrahae promisisti et semini ejus.
as you promised Abraham and his seed.
Hostias et preces tibi, Domine,
A sacrifice of praise and prayer, O Lord,
laudis offerimus.
we offer Thee.
Tu suscipe pro animabus illis,
Accept it on behalf of those souls
quarum hodie memoriam facimus.
we commemorate this day;
Fac eas, Domine, de morte transire ad vitam,
let them, O Lord, pass from death to life,
quam olim Abrahae promisisti et semini ejus.
as you promised Abraham and his seed.
IV. Sanctus
Sanctus, sanctus, sanctus,
Holy, holy, holy,
Dominus Deus Sabaoth!
Lord God of Hosts!
Pleni sunt coeli et terra gloria tua.
Heaven and earth are full of thy glory.
Hosanna in excelsis.
Hosanna in the highest.
Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini.
Blessed is he who cometh in the name of the Lord.
Hosanna in excelsis.
Hosanna in the highest.
V. Agnus Dei
Agnus Dei,
Lamb of God,
qui tollis peccata mundi,
who taketh away the sins of the world,
dona eis requiem sempiternam.
grant them eternal rest.
VI. Lux Aeterna
Lux aeterna luceat eis, Domine,
Let eternal light shine upon them, O Lord,
cum sanctis tuis in aeternum,
with thy saints forever,
quia pius es.
for Thou art merciful.
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine,
Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord,
et lux perpetua luceat eis.
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
VII. Libera Me
Libera me, Domine, de morte aeterna,
Deliver me, O Lord, from eternal death
in die illa tremenda,
on that dreadful day,
quando coeli movendi sunt et terra,
when the heavens and earth shall be moved,
dum veneris judicare
when Thou shalt come to judge
saeculum per ignem.
the world by fire.
Tremens factus sum ego et timeo,
I am full of fear and I tremble,
dum discussio venerit atque ventura ira.
awaiting the day of account and wrath to come.
Dies irae, dies illa,
Day of wrath, day of mourning,
calamitatis et miseriae,
day of calamity and misery,
dies magna et amara valde.
that day great and most bitter.
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine,
Eternal rest
grant unto them, O Lord,
et lux perpetua luceat eis.
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
About the Author
Jeri has been telling stories in her head since she was five but waited twenty years to start writing them down. She has a master’s degree in public policy. Requiem for the Devil has won numerous awards, including First Place, National Writers Association Novel Contest 2000; Third Place, PublishingOnline.com’s Great North American Fiction Awards; Semifinalist, Warner Aspect First Novel Contest; and Honorary Mention, Santa Fe Writers Project Literary Awards.
Jeri lives in Maryland with her husband and three cats. She can be reached at [email protected] or on the Web at www.jerismithready.com.
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