by K L Wood
My dad scratched the back of his neck. “I’m with Reed on this one. I don’t want to let either one of them out of the house like that.”
I gestured to my father, giving Mom the see-I’m-not-the-only-one stare.
“You guys are positively medieval.”
“Why?” I asked. “Because we don’t want guys staring at her like a piece of meat?”
My mom put a hand to her hip. “Oh, so it’s a woman’s job to dress a certain way to accommodate a man’s predatory behavior?”
My dad held up his hands, which basically said I was on my own with this one.
“That’s not what I meant,” I said sheepishly.
She started her aggressive cleanup routine, which was always a bad sign that I had pissed her off. This house had been spotless since the day I could talk.
“And while we’re at it, let’s tell gay men to make sure they don’t act too effeminate so they can protect themselves from homophobes. Oh, and I have a perfect plan to end all racism: everyone’s skin should be the same color. That way, we can all avoid triggering racist assholes!” She sent a pot crashing into the sink then turned to me, awaiting an answer.
What could I possibly say to that?
I swallowed. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“You’re damn right I’m right,” she said before marching into the bedroom and slamming the door behind her.
My dad crossed his arms, a worried look spread over his face. “We messed up.”
“Yeah, we did.”
In more ways than one.
I headed down the hallway and knocked on Paige’s door.
“Come in.”
Tabitha turned away the moment she saw it was me.
“Tabitha, would you mind if we talk for a few minutes?”
Paige narrowed her eyes, scanning over the both of us.
Tabitha stood up. “Fine. Just a few minutes, because we’re going out.”
“I know.”
She stepped into the hallway with arms across her chest.
“Would you mind if we go into my old room?”
She nodded, and I opened the door for her. It was a lot sparser than the last time she was in here since I’d packed for my new apartment.
Her arms fell to her side as she looked around. “The blue paperclip is missing.”
It was in my wallet now and went everywhere I went.
I sat down on the bed and invited her to sit next to me. When she did, she tucked her hands between her thighs, and suddenly she looked vulnerable. And that’s the part of her I so badly tried to explain to my mother. I wanted to protect it and never let any asshole hurt her…but here I was, the asshole who had done just that.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said.
“It’s fine.” She cracked a smile. “We heard your mother give you a reaming for it.”
“I don’t mean about that, although I am sorry for that, too. What I mean is I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your texts.”
Her smile faded. “Oh, that. It’s fine. I got the hint.”
“And I don’t think you’re an annoying little girl.”
She looked up at me, square in the eye, searching for any bullshit. “You don’t?”
I shook my head. “I think you’re a beautiful young woman who is going to take on the world one day, and I would not be surprised if you accomplished every goal you ever set for yourself.”
Her lips parted, and I wanted so badly to kiss that precious mouth of hers.
I took her hand in mine. “I care about you much more than I let on. We have a lot of history, and I don’t want it to be awkward between us…ever.”
And I don’t want to be the reason that light in you goes out.
She nodded and swiped away a tear that escaped down her cheek. I cradled her jawline, guiding her to look at me. “Promise me you won’t push sex with me again. We keep us strictly platonic from now on.”
“I can’t promise that.”
Not the answer I needed.
My shoulders tensed, and I brought my hand down to my side. “You can.”
Her mouth opened, hesitant. “I meant I can’t promise forever, but I can promise for now.”
Not what I wanted to hear, but I had no choice but to take it.
I bumped my shoulder with hers. “Friends? Or am I still on your shitlist?”
She smirked. “Can it be both?”
I smiled, feeling every damn bit of her warmth. “Yes.”
“It’s both.”
She lit up again, and I knew everything would be okay…at least for now.
10
I Love You
July 3rd
Tabitha
I turned on my side, staring out at the pine trees through the window. I’d been awake for nearly half an hour, but I hadn’t gotten out of bed. I couldn’t get Reed out of my thoughts. He had been quiet through most of the past week. He would often opt to take hikes alone instead of spending time with us in town shopping and sightseeing. Everyone thought it was over his breakup with Michelle, but something told me it was more than that. I felt it in the pit of my gut. He was struggling with something.
A knock rattled my door.
“Come in.”
My mother walked in with a hand on her hip. “Why aren’t you dressed yet? We’re leaving for Cathedral Ledge in ten minutes.”
I tucked the blanket under my chin. “I’m not going.”
“What are you talking about? You love Cathedral Ledge.”
“I know. Feel like relaxing and hanging in today.”
And having some alone time with Reed.
“Suit yourself, but you’re going to miss out,” she warned.
I smiled. “There’s always next year, and the year after that, and the year after that…”
She laughed. “All right, see you tonight at dinner.”
“Have fun.”
The moment she closed the door, I hopped out of bed and got dressed. I waited until all of them left before washing up and brushing my teeth. In bare feet, I tiptoed down to Reed’s room and knocked.
“Reed?”
No answer.
I knocked again. “I’m making breakfast. Do you want anything?” I cracked open the door. The bed was empty. Probably on another one of his hikes. I looked out the window and noticed his car was still there. I checked the house, but he was nowhere to be found…and that’s when it hit me.
Lair.
I slipped on a pair of socks and hiking boots and headed down the trail behind the house. The morning air was cool, and the smell of pine and damp soil enveloped me as I walked deeper into the woods. The wooden shed was just around the bend of the path and smaller and closer than I remembered. When I was little, it seemed like it was untouchable in some far-off place. Our own little bubble. It was a bit worn and weathered, but nothing a good paint job wouldn’t fix.
I stepped on the platform and knocked on the door.
“Yeah?”
“It’s me. Mind if I come in?”
“No.”
I pulled the latch and walked inside. Reed sat on a small mattress in the shadows, leaning against the wall with a closed paperback in his hand. I opened the sky view to let in the light and plopped down beside him.
We sat in silence for a few minutes, but it didn’t feel weird. There were times we’d sit together for hours in here, barely saying a word with our noses in a book.
“What’s wrong?” I finally asked.
He looked down at his novel, seemingly deep in thought. “I got a job offer.”
“What’s the job?”
“My old writing professor has a friend who owns a tourism company. They want to hire me as a photographer and writer for their website.”
I turned to face him in a rush of excitement. “Reed, that’s incredible! You should be celebrating, not moping.” I nudged him. “This is what you wanted, to be a real travel writer.”
“I know.” He leaned his head against the wall and let out a sigh before l
ooking down at me. “The company is based in Italy. They specialize in European tours, which means I’d have to move there.”
The moment my brain processed what he was saying, the air punched from my lungs. “For how long?”
“It’s not a temporary project. It’s a permanent position.”
I swallowed down the ache settling in my throat. “Oh.”
“I know.” He tossed the book next to him on the bed and hung his elbows over his knees. “It’s a big decision, and I have to let them know today whether I’m going to take it.”
“You already interviewed?”
“Through Skype, yes. They love my blog, and my professor gave a high recommendation.”
I looped my finger through the bow of my shoelace, twisting it around and around. “When do they want you to start?”
“Two weeks.”
My eyes burned, and I fought back the tears wanting to roll down my cheeks. Half my heart screamed, wanting to tell him to stay, that I loved him, to wait for me and we’d get his own blog going and travel together. The other half wanted him to be happy and have his dream.
“You should do it.” My voice cracked. “Opportunities like this don’t come often, especially with what you want to do.” I laughed, wiping away a tear before it escaped. “And you get to travel Europe, Reed. For free. And write about it.”
“It’s funny. I’ve always dreamed about this, but it seemed so far away. It just came at me so fast and threw me for a loop, you know?” He looked into my eyes, like he wanted to say more, but turned away instead.
“‘It does not do well to dwell in dreams and forget to live.’”
He gave a soft smile. “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.”
“It’s time you go to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters and live your dream.”
I only wish I could live it with you.
He intertwined his fingers with mine and closed his eyes. “Thank you.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder, and we sat there like that for what seemed like an eternity.
This was not how I envisioned us to end.
July 16th
Reed
We had a big dinner at my parents’ house on my last night. Tabitha didn’t say much and left early with the excuse she wasn’t feeling well. I tried to talk to her, but she just forced a smile and wished me well before she walked out the door. The rain began to pour as I hugged my family goodbye and headed to my car.
All these parts of myself I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to peeled off me in layers, leaving me completely raw and exposed. College should’ve fucking prepared me for this, but it didn’t. Home had still been home…a place where my mother could keep me somewhat in line with her dagger stares and bear hugs. A place where I could still find Tabitha sneaking into my room, taping fallen quotes to my wall.
I hated saying goodbye to that.
I didn’t want to say goodbye to that.
I slowed as I passed Tabitha’s house, contemplating seeing her one last time, to tell her how much I’d miss her and how much I wished she could experience this with me. But that would be a prick move. She needed to go through the motions and finally move on. Live her life and fall in love with someone who deserved her.
Although I doubted that man existed.
All I knew was I couldn’t be her first anything. Not with my track record. And I couldn’t take it if she experienced her first real relationship with me and then found what she really wanted in someone else.
A heaviness surrounded me during the drive home and the walk upstairs to my apartment. Most of the furniture was gone, and the things I wanted to take with me sat in five boxes piled against the wall. All that was left to pack were some clothes and a few books and notebooks.
Just as I finished zipping up my suitcase, a text buzzed through my phone. Tabitha.
T: I’m outside. Can I come up?
What? She couldn’t have walked here.
R: Coming down now.
I hurried down the stairs and swung open the main door. Paige and Bryant were parked along the curb. The back door opened, and Tabitha stepped out, shielding herself from the rain as she ran toward me. I moved aside as she stepped across the threshold.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
She clasped her fingers together. “Could we talk for a minute?”
“Go on up.” I looked back at the car, and Paige gave a slight wave. I couldn’t tell whether it was the rain dripping down the window that made her expression so sad or whether it was really how she felt. Either way, something told me this night would not end well.
I followed Tabitha up the stairs and into my place. I rubbed the back of my neck as she looked around the living room.
“Sorry I can’t offer you a place to sit.”
The bed was available, but I wasn’t about to go there.
“It’s fine.” She paced the floor a bit, rubbing her hands down her jeans.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
She stopped and stepped closer to me, taking in a deep breath. “I love you.”
Her words sliced through me, cracking me wide open.
She hesitated, awaiting a reaction, but I could barely breathe, let alone speak.
“And I don’t mean I love you as a brother or a friend.” She pressed her hand to her belly. “I mean, I love you and have been in love with you since I was nine years old.”
Her voice shook, and her eyes pleaded, as if I had the power to make her heart soar or break it in two.
“Tabitha…” I whispered.
Tears rimmed her eyes, and I wanted so badly to take her in my arms.
“I know you don’t ever want things to get weird with us, but I can’t let you leave without telling you how I really feel.” She moved closer, taking my hand in hers. She was cold and shivering. “If you look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me in that way, I’ll let go and move on, but if you do feel that way for me, too…then I promise I’ll wait for you. I’ll save up and come visit, and you can visit home, we’ll Skype or FaceTime…” She swallowed. “If you do love me, we can figure out a way to make this work.”
It was like an electric current buzzed through every nerve ending in my body. I wanted this. I wanted it so fucking bad that I stepped even closer…close enough to taste her breath and feel its heat tingle my lips.
“You don’t love me.” My voice was low and tight. “It’s a crush, and you’ll get over it.”
“It’s not a damn crush, Reed.” She placed a shaking hand over my chest, right where my heart should be. “And I know you feel something for me, too…the way you look at me at times. No one sees me the way you do.”
She sounded so sure, but the vulnerability, that part of her that was inexperienced and untouched, hung deep in those teary brown eyes of hers. I’d devour her to the point I’d probably suffocate her. I wouldn’t let her finish college and would want her right here by my side. I wouldn’t give her the chance to grow and live and experience the world the way she needed to.
And I’d hate myself for it.
And she’d hate me for it and leave in the end.
I gripped her hand, lingering a few seconds longer than I should have before taking it away. “I don’t love you, not like that.”
My chest caved as the lie spilled out. It was the first time I’d lied to Tabitha, and it damn near broke what remained of my own heart in two.
Tabitha closed her eyes and stepped back, wiping away tears that streamed down her cheeks.
Whatever thread my breaking heart clung to snapped at that moment. My throat burned, and my eyes stung.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Tabitha shook her head. “No. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”
But she wasn’t fine.
She let out a long breath, avoiding my eyes. “Listen, you enjoy yourself in Europe. I know you’re going to kick ass at your new job.” She nodded, forcing a smile. “I’ll miss you.” More tears streamed down her fa
ce, and I pulled her in for a hug.
“I’m going to miss you, too,” I choked. I held Tabitha even tighter, soaking in her sweet scent and relishing the warmth that filled my chest as she hugged back.
Tell her. Tell her you love her.
But she pulled away after a few seconds. “Goodbye, Reed.”
And without another word, she was gone.
11
I Will Survive
October 27th
Tabitha
“It’s the biggest party of the year. You have to come.” Shelly hung up her angel costume on the inside hook of her closet door. “Tyler will be there,” she sang in my direction, trying to tempt me.
“I’m not interested in Tyler.”
“You’re crazy. If I wasn’t with Mike, I’d tap that in a second. The guy is hot, and he happens to have the hots for you.”
I shoved in my earbuds and returned to my book, hoping she’d take the hint.
She sat down on my bed, made a sad face, and gestured to her ears for me to take them out. Letting out an annoyed huff, I took out only one. “What?”
“Can we have some real talk?”
“If this is about Tyler, then I’d rather not.”
“It’s not about Tyler.”
I took out the other bud and gave her my full attention. “What is it?”
“Ever since you came back, you’ve been hiding away in your room reading or studying. You’ve even skipped some classes and dropped one because you didn’t want to get out of bed. I lived with you practically a whole year. You were never like that, and you never skipped classes. Did something happen over the summer?”
A sudden sting burned the rims of eyes, and my throat tightened. “I finally told the guy I’ve loved since I was nine that I was in love with him.” A tear strolled down my cheek. “And he rejected me.”
“Oh my god, Tabitha. I’m so sorry.”
I shrugged. “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”