“That’s not what matters. He can make his own choices, and just because someone wants to hook up with him doesn’t automatically mean he’s going to do it. He’s not an infidelity robot set to ‘accept all requests.’”
Maybe I wasn’t being fair to him. “I don’t know why I feel this way. Maybe it’s some internalized thing I have because my dad cheated on my mom and she’s spent my entire life resenting him for it.”
“Which means you should ignore the negative voice in your head and try trusting him.”
Did this mean I had another false voice in my head, telling me something was true when it wasn’t? “Putting that aside, you’re operating under the assumption that he wants to date me.”
“Why wouldn’t he? You’re amazing.”
“You have to say that because you’re my best friend.”
“I’m your best friend because it’s true.” She let out a little wistful sigh. “And have you considered the possibility that you’re making him want you more by refusing to date him?”
“How do you figure that?”
“Don’t you remember that one interview he did for Entertainment Monthly where he said something about how one of the reasons that he joined the military was because everything in his life was too easy, it was all being handed to him and he wanted something he had to work for? Something that not everyone could do. That’s you. You’re making him work for you, and it’s probably a novel experience for him. Keeping him at arm’s length is probably just going to have the opposite effect.”
That was just Shelby speculating. She didn’t know that for sure, so I said, “I don’t think that’s true.”
“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But let me just say—ahoy, mateys. I’m onboard this ship.” She playfully saluted me.
Now it was my turn to sigh. “What ship? There’s no relationship.”
“Just because you’re in denial about what’s happening doesn’t mean it’s not happening. You certainly are dating him. You go places with him. You spend your evenings together. You’re kissing him. You are in a relationship.”
That panicky feeling, the one that had been my almost constant companion lately, returned, making my pulse race. “I can’t be.”
“Why not?”
“He doesn’t know.” I whispered the words, barely able to say them. I’d pushed this thing so far out of my head that it was painful to be speaking them out loud.
“Doesn’t know what?”
“The first time we met, I told him . . .” My throat felt dry and I swallowed, hard. “I told him I didn’t know who he was. That I’d never heard of him.”
This got her back to her feet. “Are you serious?”
I nodded.
“You have to tell him.”
“I can’t. It would ruin everything.” I felt tears forming at the edges of my eyes, and I tried blinking them away.
She sat next to me. “I think we both know that the right thing to do here is for you to tell him.”
“Do we, though? Despite what you think, we’re not in a relationship. We haven’t made any kind of commitment to each other. We’re hanging out. I’ll hopefully get over my kissing thing, and then he’ll fly to someplace like France to film a movie and this will die a natural death. There’s no reason to upset everything right now. Not to mention, I’m not going to get you fired from this job. You’re the one that said it’s your last shot.”
“I’ll find another job.”
“Not like this one, you won’t. And we both know it.”
She let out a little groan. “Now I almost wish you hadn’t told me. Like, as your friend I’m so glad you felt like you could confide in me, but as a person in a professional relationship with Noah, I feel like an accomplice or something.”
“You’re not an accomplice. There’s no crime being committed here. I will tell him. After the work is done. I’ll deal with the fallout then.”
“Do you know how unreliable construction is? I’m hoping to be done in three months and that’s only if nothing goes wrong, and things always go wrong. Isn’t it better to tell him now than six months from now? And weren’t you just telling me how I shouldn’t be avoiding things? Neither should you!”
I blurted out, “I can’t lose him.” It was probably one of the most honest things I’d ever said, and it surprised me how deeply I felt those words. I’d constructed all these walls, some intentional, some not, and he hadn’t just broken them down. He’d flattened them with a steamroller and taken up residence in my heart. I really cared about him. He was the first man I’d ever felt this way about, and I just . . . I couldn’t lose him. I accepted that there was an ending coming for us. But not yet. I wasn’t ready to let go. “He’s this incredible person and so unlike what I imagined. I mean, he’s definitely all alpha and he would beat the crap out of somebody who tried to hurt me, but then he’d take me home and make me dinner and read me a sonnet he’d composed. He’s so strong and masculine, but he plays with my hair and makes me laugh and is so smart and worldly and adores his dog and I just . . . I need him.”
Something in my response saddened Shelby, and she said sympathetically, “Oh, sweetie.”
I brushed away the few tears that had managed to escape. “I’ll tell him. I will. After you’ve finished. When the time is right. Okay?”
“Okay. All I want is for you to be happy. You know how much I love you.” She hugged me tightly, and I ignored the burning lump in my throat that urged me to cry.
“I know. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” And I had to hope that it would be true.
I woke up the next morning to the sound of loud banging at the front door. Sunshine was whining outside my bedroom, apparently unhappy at there being a guest. I got up, grumbling the whole way.
When I opened the door, I was surprised to see Noah standing there. He was rocking on his heels, looking far too gleeful for this early in the morning. Okay, technically it was almost noon, but I hadn’t slept well.
He grinned. “What are you doing today? We should hang out. My new dog sitter, Joe, is at my house, and he’s agreed to keep an eye on Sunshine, too.”
“Um, okay.” My brain wasn’t working yet and he was all dazzling and bright and I was sure that I looked like a coffin had just thrown me up. “What did you have in mind?”
“I was hoping maybe you could teach me how to drive.”
I blinked slowly. “You don’t know how to drive?”
“My parents didn’t want me to drive, so I never got a license as a teenager. It wasn’t my job to drive in the army and then I was living in New York and didn’t need it there. But I read this script that I’m excited about. I’d be a getaway driver and they would have someone show me how to do stunt driving, but I figured I should probably learn the basics first.” He seemed to think I was reluctant. I was going to do it—I was just still sleepy. “Come on, I teach you something, you teach me something.”
“Kissing and driving are not the same thing. Plus, so far you haven’t really taught me anything.”
“Not yet.” His voice was low and appealing and cut through my tiredness better than a jolt of caffeine.
“Let me get me and Sunshine ready and I’ll come up to your house.”
“Okay. See you soon!”
As I closed the door, I realized that I hadn’t even considered the fact that he might be a morning person, and it was kind of annoying. Good thing he was superfluously handsome.
It didn’t take me long to do everything I needed to, and now it was my turn to knock on his door. When he answered, he leaned down to kiss me hello on the cheek, and my heart sighed a little at the way it felt. He introduced me to Joe, and Sunshine’s and Magnus’s tails were both wagging as they sniffed one another. Joe promised to take good care of the dogs, and I figured if Noah trusted him, then he was probably good at what he did. I wondered how much he charged and decided I should ask him when we got back. For comparative purposes.
Deciding it would be best to get Noah o
ut of the hills and canyons and onto a flat surface, I headed for a church I knew of nearby, figuring the parking lot would be empty. On the way he told me about how he had spent his morning talking to an army friend he liked to keep tabs on because he had been chaptered out.
“Chaptered out?” I asked.
“Basically kicked out. He tried to hurt himself.”
My hand flew to my mouth. “That’s awful!”
“He’s doing really well now. The director of my charity helped him get a great job, and he met someone recently. And I don’t know that his heart was really in what he did back then, because he tried to overdose with cough drops and vitamin supplements. I’m still not sure how he expected to nourish himself to death.”
It was very cool that his charity was able to help one of his friends. Sometimes those benefits weren’t always tangible, and I thought it was neat that Noah got to see some of the fruits of his labors. “I’m so glad he’s doing better.” I paused. “It would be inappropriate for me to laugh, right?”
“Yes, and know that I would judge you for it,” he said, his tone light and teasing. “It’s one of the reasons I have my charity. It makes me feel like I can keep serving even if I’m not still in the army.” Then he told me more stories about his friends from his company until we got to the parking lot.
For some reason, I was hearing my mom’s voice in my head, reminding me of our age difference. Which is practically nonexistent, I said back. But then I realized that it wasn’t an age gap but an experience gap, with all the things he had seen and been through. He had done so much and accomplished so many things, and I . . . was scared of kissing and had started a dog-grooming business.
Why would he want to be with someone like you? the voice whispered at me, and this time I didn’t have an answer.
I put my van in park and turned off the ignition. I got out of the car to switch places with him, and when we crossed paths in front, he stopped to give me a hug. “Just in case I get us into an accident and we don’t make it,” he teased.
“Don’t wreck my van,” I told him.
“I’ll do my best.”
We got back in and put on our seat belts. I told him to put his foot on the brake and turn the key to start the engine.
“Your check-engine light is on,” he said, pointing at the dashboard.
“I checked it. The engine is still there.”
“Funny,” he said in a tone that indicated he didn’t think it was funny at all. “It seems ominous.”
“It’s fine.”
“I’m pretty sure that it’s more of an order than a suggestion. I don’t think cars give you a heads-up just in case you feel like investigating.”
“I can’t afford to take it in.” There was a silence that hung there and I could feel how much he wanted to offer to pay for it, but it was my responsibility, not his.
We were just friends.
Then I went and blew my own inner declaration by asking, “Where did you go last night?”
“I had to go have drinks with this journalist, Mike something, for an interview about my upcoming release. Have I told you about that yet? It’s about the life of Blackbeard. It was fun playing a pirate. Anyway, I ended up being a little bit late for it because of your mom’s play.”
Given Noah’s loose relationship with time, I realized that his little bit late was probably quite a bit late, and I melted at the thought that he had done that for me. I’d been jealous for no reason.
Not that I was even allowed to feel envious of what he was doing or who he was with.
“Wait,” he said. “What’s with that tone? Are you jealous?”
“No.”
“You are,” he practically gloated. “You’re jealous. You thought I was with another woman.”
“You’re allowed to date whoever you want. We’re friends. It’s fine.”
“You don’t seem fine.” He was enjoying this way too much. “But you don’t have to worry. You’re the only person I’m sort of kissing and then making ill.”
“Good.” I hadn’t meant that word to slip out, and I ignored his goofy grin. “Back to driving. Have you ever played Mario Kart?”
“No.”
“That’s a relief, because real driving is nothing like video games. You have to take the car out of park and put it in drive. You steer with the steering wheel and let your foot off the brake and then press slowly on the gas. Don’t run into stuff and press the brake when you want to stop. That’s pretty much it.”
He did as I’d instructed him, inching the van forward. And he didn’t accelerate. At all. While he didn’t strike me as a cautious person, he was driving like he was eighty and had cataracts.
“You can go a little faster,” I told him. “If you were driving any slower, we’d be going backward.”
He had hunched over the steering wheel, and I could see the strain in his shoulders and his forearms. His very excellent forearms.
The van lurched forward as he gave it too much gas.
I put my hand on his thigh. “You have to do it slowly. You can’t push it that hard. Ease into it. Just go slowly.”
He glanced down at my hand. “That’s not helping me relax.”
I quickly pulled back. “Sorry.”
We did more lurches and slamming stops, and I was glad that I was wearing a seat belt. Part of me wanted to tease him, but his frustration was palpable. This went on for about five minutes before he’d apparently had enough.
He swore and put the car in park. “I don’t like being bad at things.”
“I can’t imagine it happens to you very often.”
“Nope.”
“Welcome to my world,” I told him.
His body softened at that, finally relaxing. He reached out to caress the side of my face. “You’re not bad at kissing. You’re just scared. There’s a difference.”
Noah really was an amazing man, and I felt so lucky to be hanging out with him. I was struck with the desire to do something nice for him, to show him how much I liked him.
“We need a break,” I announced. “Switch places with me.”
Instead of getting out of the van, I climbed over the seats so he could move over, and then I got into the spot he’d just vacated.
I did a quick search on my phone and started following the directions. He reached for the phone, but I swatted his hand away.
“Where are you taking me?” he asked. “If you don’t tell me, that’s basically kidnapping.”
I just smiled. “It’s also called a surprise.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“Where have you brought me?” he asked when we got out of the van.
“You really were sheltered, weren’t you? This is called an arcade.”
He frowned briefly at me. “I know what an arcade is. I suck at driving so your first thought was, what, let’s play video games?”
“Not quite.” This time I reached for his hand and brought him inside. Just as I’d hoped, the two party rooms were filled with screaming kids and balloons. “You said your biggest regret was not getting to have or go to a birthday party as a kid. I found you two.”
“We can’t just crash some kid’s party. Or two parties.”
“Sure we can. You’re Malec Shadowfire. They’re going to be thrilled that you’re here.” I went into one of the rooms and waved. “Hi, everyone! Is it okay if we join you?”
At first there were a lot of confused looks from both the adults and the kids until one little blond toddler came over to him, his mouth hanging open. He stared up at Noah and then uttered a single word. “Malec.”
Then all of the kids were swarming Noah, shouting questions at him, hanging on to his legs, tugging at his hands. One of the parents approached, asking if she could get a picture of him with the children. He said sure, and there were excited giggles and some very adorable pictures taken.
After dozens of photos had been shot by all the adults, I said, “You guys, I think Malec Shadowfire needs some birthday cake
.” One of the moms nearly broke her own neck in a rush to cut Noah a piece of cake.
I, however, did not get one.
He ate his cake with everyone staring at him, and then the apparent birthday boy said, “I want to open more presents!” That got everyone’s attention and the boy, who, according to the giant poster hanging on the wall, was named Tucker, climbed into a chair to keep opening gifts. And seeing new toys held more appeal than Noah apparently, as the kids migrated over to watch him tear into wrapping paper.
All except for one little girl. She had to be about four or five, her curly brown hair in two pigtails, and she was wearing a Disney Belle dress. Her eyes were enormous and sad-looking. Noah crouched down to her eye level. “Hi.”
“Why did Malec have to die?” she asked, her lower lip trembling. “He was good. He shouldn’t have died.”
If I’d ever had any doubt about Noah’s talent, he quashed it as he shifted into Malec right in front of me. His posture, his voice, even that dangerous glint in his eye. “You’re right, I did choose to be good. And I didn’t go anywhere. See? I’m here.”
The girl rushed forward, throwing her arms around his neck, and I swear, my ovaries exploded. The hug finished and she asked, “Do you want to play Skee-Ball with me?”
“I do.” He stood back up, and she wrapped her tiny hand around one of his fingers, and my heart squeezed at the utter adorableness. I heard him ask, “Are you a princess?” as she led him out into the arcade.
There was a lightness to my whole being, a joy I couldn’t remember feeling before at how happy he looked and how good it felt that I was the one who put that smile on his face. He started playing with the little girl, at one point picking her up so that she could roll the wooden ball up the ramp easier.
How had he so quickly become my favorite person in the whole world?
Then I flashed back to my conversation with Shelby last night. Was I doing this because of a guilty conscience? Trying to fit in a bunch of good memories before I told him the truth?
I was going to tell him. When the time was right. He turned around to grin at me, and I waved back. Not yet. The time wasn’t now.
The Seat Filler: A Novel Page 20