“I know that,” he said. “Now that I’ve calmed down, I know.”
Then why aren’t you kissing me? I wanted to ask, but I didn’t.
He continued, “But that doesn’t make what you did any less of a lie. You pretended the entire time we were together that you’d never heard of me before that night.”
“That’s true. I did. And I shouldn’t have. I’ll spend the rest of my life apologizing to you if that’s what it takes. You were so good about respecting my boundaries, and I failed to respect yours.”
He nodded, and hope surged inside me again, wondering if I was getting through to him. But all he said was, “I appreciate that.” He paused a beat and said, “Your eyes are all red.”
“Yeah, I might have been, you know, crying a little bit earlier.” Nonstop since he’d walked out of my mom’s house, thank you very much. “I really miss you.”
He didn’t say anything. Maybe Shelby had been wrong about this. About him missing me and being miserable without me.
But no matter how he was or was not feeling about me, he’d kept his word. “You called your friends to patronize my business. Just like you said you would.”
At that, he looked down at his feet. “Shelby said you were struggling, so I made some phone calls.”
He’d made the phone calls. Not Kyle or his publicist or anyone else. Noah had done it himself. That had to mean something.
That blue butterfly-wing hope returned. “Speaking of Shelby, there’s some things she helped me realize. That my dad maybe gave me more issues than I’d realized. I thought my kissing phobia was my biggest fear, but it turns out it was losing you. And I did want to tell you. You know how I get when I’m afraid. So I didn’t say anything. Because avoidance has been my coping mechanism for so long that I—”
He cut me off. “No, you do not get to use my weakness for you against me.”
“Weakness for me?” I repeated, surprised.
“You’re my kryptonite. So is how much I care about what you’ve gone through, how important it was to me to help you, how much I love you. You can’t play on that now.”
I was surprised by the vehemence in his voice. Was his anger a good thing? What about the fact that he’d used love in the present tense, not a past one? “I wasn’t trying to do that, I promise. I’m just trying to explain why I did what I did. I think I at least owe you that.”
He nodded but again was silent.
I sucked in a big breath. “I never pretended when I was with you. I was always me.”
“You pretended from the beginning. You lied to me and then you kept lying to manipulate me.”
Now I was feeling a little frustrated. “I was not trying to manipulate you. I lied so much to myself that it was too easy to lie to you, too. I didn’t know how things were going to turn out between us. I didn’t know I was going to fall in love with you!”
His expression shifted and I couldn’t read it fast enough, but he was back to anger. “Now you can say it? Now that I know the truth about everything?”
“Yes! That’s why I couldn’t tell you before.”
“Because of a guilty conscience?” he correctly guessed. “You knew what you were doing was wrong, but you did it anyway.”
“I did. And it was selfish of me and it was due to my issues and had nothing to do with your job. I never saw you as Malec. Except for that one time you dressed like him. But even then, you were still Noah to me. I see you and I know you and I love you.”
He let out a sigh of what sounded like a mixture of disgust and regret, and I wished I knew the right thing to say to him so that he would let me back in.
But I didn’t have those words, so I told him what was in my heart. “At Shelby’s wedding I thought . . . I could see myself doing that with you. I saw a future. And I’d never, ever pictured that for my life. I wouldn’t have imagined it to be possible. But I wanted that—to someday be standing next to you and promising to spend the rest of my life loving you. Because I will. Even if you can’t forgive me, I will spend every day from now on being in love with you.”
“You think I didn’t want that, too?” My breath caught, both at his words and his tone. He sounded so wounded that the only thing I wanted was to hug him and make things better.
But all I could do was try to convince him to understand. “I was so scared to be myself with you, to show you all of me. I opened myself up to you, and I don’t do that. Ever.”
“Yeah, well, same. You made a fool of me. I don’t let people take advantage of me. Not anymore. And you did. You took advantage of the trust I placed in you,” he said, his voice fiery.
“I didn’t mean to.” I couldn’t stay on the couch. I stood up and walked over to him and he shifted from left to right, obviously worried that I was going to touch him, so I didn’t. “Can you forgive me?”
He let out a shaky breath. “You think I don’t want to forgive you? You think I don’t want to take you in my arms and pretend it didn’t happen? Because I do.”
My mouth parted in anticipation, that stupid hope of mine encouraging me, and I stepped forward.
He stepped back. “But that’s the problem, Juliet. I can’t. This isn’t about forgiving you. It’s not knowing if I can trust you again.”
I put my hands out, wanting to touch him, but instantly dropped them when I realized what I was doing. So strange how I used to be afraid of touching him, but it had become so vital to me. “You can. I promise I’ll never lie to you again. You . . . spoil Magnus. Your chicken cacciatore is not as good as you think it is. You should not wear the color yellow, because it washes out your complexion. When I was fourteen, that celebrity pillow I kissed and caught my braces on? It was you. Noah, please.”
I saw him swallow, hard. “Maybe I can forgive, but I’m not sure I can forget. Maybe this seems like one small lie to you. But I told you, for most of my life I’ve been lied to. Not just by my parents. By everyone in this industry who thinks they can get something from me or coerce me into doing what they want. I can’t have it in my personal life, too. It’s too much.”
This time I did touch him, even though I knew I shouldn’t. I couldn’t stop myself. I rested my hand on his forearm. And he didn’t move away. “I want to fight for us. We’re worth fighting for. Please, tell me what I can do to make you trust me again. I’ll do anything to fix this. Anything.”
“That’s the problem, Juliet. Short of going back in time and starting all over, you can’t fix it.” He moved farther back, all the way to the front door. “I can’t do this right now. I need for you to go.” He opened it.
There had to be something I could do or say. I racked my brain but realized there was nothing. I had done everything I could. I had laid all my cards on the table, but he wasn’t interested in playing this game.
So I left. My heart broke a little more with each step I took.
When I got to my van, I turned back.
But this time he wasn’t watching me go.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
A couple of weeks later, Shelby and I were going out to look at baby cribs. She didn’t want to buy anything until Allan agreed, but her plan was to have it all picked out.
“If I don’t, then Harmony will just buy the one she likes.” She was trying to sound exasperated, but I could hear the delight in her voice. Harmony had come around in a big way, and Shelby was loving every second of it.
Remembering my resolve to be here, in the moment, I smiled at my friend. I was going to feel sad, probably for a long time, but I was doing my best to move on.
We got to a red light, and she dug something out of her purse. It was her lip gloss, which she handed to me. “Here. Put this on.”
“Are you afraid the clerks at the baby store are going to be horrified by me?” I joked. I counted it as a win that I was routinely showering again. But I put it on to humor her, because as she was fond of reminding me, newly pregnant women should always be humored, given the amount of vomiting they were subjected to.
Shelby suddenly pulled over to the curb and brought the car to a stop. “I’m doing this because I love you. Get out.”
“What?” I asked. We were in the middle of downtown LA.
“Go into that building, and you’re welcome.” She leaned over and opened my door. “Go on. Out.” She undid my seat belt and started pushing me.
“What is going on?” I asked.
“Go inside and find out.”
She’d told me that she wanted me to be the baby’s godmother, and if this was some weird kind of surprise party to celebrate that, I was not in the mood. I was about to tell her that when she waved, shut my car door, and drove off.
I stood on the sidewalk for a second, not sure what to do. A uniformed guard called to me from in front of a building. “Juliet Nolan?”
“Yeah?”
She smiled and waved me up the steps. “You’re supposed to come with me.”
My feet seemed to be moving of their own volition as my desperate curiosity was getting the better of me. She opened the glass door behind her and said, “You’re going to row two, seat B.”
It was then that I realized where I was. It was the theater where I’d met Noah. And that was the exact seat I’d been sitting in when it happened. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I brushed them away. I wished Shelby had made me dress up. At least she’d given me lip gloss.
Hope beat so hard in my chest, like a captured bird struggling to break free. I was both scared and excited at the same time, and it had been a while since I’d felt that way.
The theater was empty, and I made my way over to the seat, waiting.
I didn’t have to wait long.
Noah sat down in the seat next to me.
“Noah, I—”
He stopped me. “You’re not supposed to talk to the audience members unless they talk to you first, remember?”
I was about to tell him that he’d just spoken, but he was doing something and I didn’t want to ruin it.
He held out his hand. “I’m Noah Douglas. Nice to meet you.”
“Juliet Nolan.” I shook his hand, and it was such a relief to touch him again, even briefly.
“I’m not going to jump to any conclusions about why you’re here, and instead I’ll let you tell me. You’re in this seat because . . .”
For a second I couldn’t speak, because I realized what he was doing. What he’d said couldn’t be done. He was taking us back in time and letting us redo this night. “I’m a seat filler. There can’t be any empty seats. I’ll get up when your date gets back.”
He looked thoroughly confused. “I don’t have a date. I guess you’ll have to stay put.”
There was no place on earth I’d rather be.
“I’m an actor. You may know me from some of my more famous roles,” he went on. “I played Felix Morrison. And Malec Shadowfire.”
“Yes, I know. I know exactly who you are. I had a huge crush on you in middle school, and the Duel of the Fae trilogy is my favorite, even if they did screw up the ending. I think you are so talented and gifted, and I’m excited to meet you.”
He grinned at me, and in that moment I knew—absolutely knew—that everything was going to be okay. “And what is it you do for a living?”
“I have my own dog-grooming service.”
“That is very ambitious and entrepreneurial of you. I happen to have a dog I think you might like. You should come over and clean him up. He got really dirty recently.”
My heart was in my throat. “I would love to.”
“But only if you promise to wear those shoes.” Of course I had on my pink Converse, because I wore them all the time. “I love your shoes.”
He had on a pair of ratty Nikes, but I said, “I love yours, too. You have excellent taste.”
“I brought you something. Look under your seat.” He sounded like my Noah again, and I couldn’t believe how much I’d missed him.
Under my chair was a huge box of Snickers. Like the kinds grocery stores got and put out on their shelves. I picked it up and put it in my lap, fingering the edges. “Thank you.”
“It’s in case you get hungry,” he told me.
“You’re really thoughtful.”
“I try.” He shifted in his seat, putting his arm across the back of my chair. “So, is there any chance you might want to go out with me?”
“Pretty big chance,” I said. “But I have this thing about kissing, and you might need to help me through it.”
“It would be my pleasure.”
“But,” I added, “only if you understand that I’m going to fall in love with you. I can’t just be your friend.”
There was so much softness in his eyes that I melted into my chair. Seriously, someone was going to have to scrape me off this thing. Then he made the melting worse by saying, “I can’t just be your friend, either. And I will definitely fall in love with you.”
It was all I could do not to throw myself against his chest and sob.
He took his phone out. “Can I show you some pictures?”
“Sure.”
He opened his gallery and showed me a middle-aged couple. “These are my parents. You may not know this, but I’d cut off contact with them. I had dinner with them three days ago. It went better than I’d expected. Someone I adore told me that I should give people second chances, so I decided to start there. I think I’m going to try and find a way for them to be in my life.”
I couldn’t believe that had happened. I’d never thought Noah would try to repair things with his parents, but I was so glad that he had, because I knew he’d missed them.
The next one was of a fence being put up around his house. “My neighbor Gladys told me that she was going to let me have a fence for my yard. My dog tends to run away, and now I won’t have to worry. She told me that I would be, and I quote, ‘a doddering fool’ if I didn’t fix things with the woman I love. That my girlfriend was the only reason she was doing any of this and that I needed to man up and make things right.”
Gladys was the absolute best, and she was getting free dog grooming for the rest of her life. I was also going to buy Sunshine a dozen teddy bears.
The picture he showed me next was him with a mother and daughter. “Reina set up a quick charity auction, and I agreed to take a picture with the highest bidder. It’s not how I want my charity to grow, but a very smart woman told me to stop being so precious about this fame thing and use it to help other people.”
My heart swelled at the idea that he had taken my words to heart that way and was going to help a lot more people moving forward.
The next screen showed a guy in his midtwenties with a buzz cut and in combat fatigues. “This is Ferguson. He’s my other battle buddy, and he and I talked recently because I was having some issues in my love life. He told me I was stupid to throw away the only real happiness I’ve ever known. That I tended toward the dramatic and could be oversensitive. And that as my friend, while I had a right to my feelings, he thought I was overreacting and was a total idiot. That I had been given multiple do-overs in my life and I should do the same for the woman I love. That the army had trained me to fight for the things I believed in and cared about.”
I was going to name my firstborn child after Ferguson. After I found out his first name.
The next picture was of a house surrounded by greenery. “I bought this ranch just outside town. It won’t be much more of a commute than I’m doing now. It means I don’t really need the fence at my old house, but this one sits on twenty acres. It has a barn and a lot of pens. It’s the perfect place for an animal rescue, don’t you think? If I can find someone who would want to marry me and live there with me. And have babies, both the fur and human kind.”
Joy engulfed my heart. “Oh, Noah.” I was choked up, and my chin was trembling. That was my dream. He had bought my dream.
He put his phone down. “Juliet, I told you I’d always have your back, and I didn’t. I’m sorry.”
I wanted to throw my arms around
his neck, but it was difficult to reach him with this armrest between us. “You have nothing to apologize for. I know why you were upset. You were protecting yourself.”
He leaned in to kiss me on the tip of my nose, in that way that I now recognized as a signal to me of how much he cared. “I should have been protecting you. I promise you that I’ll try not to fall into that overly-sensitive-artist stereotype and will talk to you about everything. I will always give you the benefit of the doubt, because I know how much you love me. You’re my whole world and it’s like . . . everything is just gray without you.”
“I know exactly what you mean. I swear I won’t ever keep anything from you again. I will be better about communicating my feelings, even though that’s not really my primary skill set.” I sighed; my fears and sadness had all been washed away. “You really forgive me, though?”
“I do.” Then he made an X across his heart, and I laugh-cried. He added, “My job is different and my life is demanding and hard and we’ll have to give up some of our privacy. I know it’s a lot to ask, but if Covington manages it, anybody can.”
Now I truly understood exactly what Zoe had meant. “I’ve thought about that. And I would make those sacrifices if it meant I got to be with you. You’re worth whatever hardship we might have to put up with. But I need you to remember that I’m not perfect and I will make mistakes again.”
“So will I. And I will do my best to always be patient and understanding if you promise to do the same. But if we both swear to love each other and always fight for us, how can we go wrong?”
He leaned his forehead against mine, our breaths mingling, and I had never imagined that this kind of happiness was possible.
“So, the candy is in case you get hungry,” he said, “but there’s something inside in case you get lonely.”
The Seat Filler: A Novel Page 28