Marrying an Older Man

by Arlene James

  "But instead she died," Caroline said softly.

  He nodded bitterly. "I ruined her life, and then, before she even had a chance to fix it, she was gone."

  "And you were trapped with a load of guilt you don't deserve."

  Jesse looked up sharply. "No. I was trapped with a load of guilt I very much deserve, and believe me, it's heavy enough to keep me from ever making the same mistake again. Now go to bed, Caroline, before I'm tempted to take what I'm not entitled to and build that load even higher."

  She made an aborted effort to touch him again, then backed away. He saw the mingled regret and dismay and heartache that she hugged so tightly to herself, and he shared it, but mat was all they could ever share. She had to understand that now. Like Kay, she deserved more than he could give her, and he wouldn't let her settle for less than she deserved. She was young, after all. She still had a chance to make her dreams come true. With someone else.

  Chapter Eleven

  Rye clasped his father's hand and pounded him on the back. "You made the right decision, Dad. Mom needs you to help her deal with this."

  Haney nodded, but his expression said that he remained, unconvinced. Rye turned away, giving Jesse his full attention.

  "Well, big brother, guess this is it."

  "Guess so."

  "It's been a good visit."

  "It has."

  Together they strolled toward Rye's double-cab pickup truck, their boots crunching on the packed snow.

  "When you get a chance," Rye said, "come down to New Mexico and we'll show you a real ranch."

  "Yeah, right. Lucky for you I won't be going anywhere anytime soon, not with Dad taking Mom to Denver."

  "It's for the best, Jesse," Rye said, serious now.

  Jesse sighed inwardly and agreed as lightly as he could manage.

  "I know."

  Rye chuckled and shook his head, not fooled in the least, j

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  "Staying home alone with a sweetheart like Caroline isn't exactly a fate worse than death, old son."

  "She's not my sweetheart."

  "Not 'cause she doesn't wanna be."

  "It's not that, simple," Jesse snapped. . "You forget where everything goes?"

  "Damn it, Rye!" Jesse hissed, coming to a halt. "She's not like that!"

  "Not like what?" Rye retorted innocently.

  Jesse yanked the front sides of his coat together, strangling the heavy, sheepskin-lined, plaid wool, and cast a careful look over one shoulder, checking to be absolutely certain that no one else was close enough to hear. The women were chatting together animatedly in the shelter of the porch, as though it wasn't eighteen degrees on this bitterly cold morning, while Haney stood by, huddling inside his coat. "Caroline's not fooling around," Jesse said, keeping his voice low. "She wants to get married."

  "And?"

  Jesse's mouth dropped open. "What's that supposed to mean?"

  Rye shrugged. "Nothing. Just..."

  Jesse clamped his mouth together, knowing he wasn't going to like this. "Just what?"

  Rye cleared his throat. "Don't you think it's time? Life eventually has to go on, Jess."

  "My life's not on hold!"

  "I'd like to see you happy."

  "I'm happy!"

  "I mean really happy," Rye went on stubbornly, "like me."

  Jesse rolled his eyes. "You and Kara are in love."

  "And you feel nothing for Caroline?"

  Jesse clamped down on the roar trying to burst out of his chest. "It's not what you obviously feel for Kara," he said with some difficulty. "I'm not like you, Rye. I never have been." "True," Rye admitted with a smirk. "While I was out getting every skirt I could find, you were running the home farm." . ;"Yoit were just sowing your wild oats," Jesse mumbled. To his surprise, Rye clamped a hand down on his shoulder.

  "'When did you sow yours, Jess? Never mind, I know the an-

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  swer to that. You never did. You're not like that. You never were. Yours is a settled soul, Jesse. You were born for marriage and family."

  Jesse laughed bitterly. "How little you know me, baby brother."

  Rye's grip on Jesse's shoulder intensified, then became a kind of massage. "I know you better than you think, Jess. I've never seen you fight anything so hard as you're fighting your feelings for Caroline, and frankly, I'm puzzled."

  "Nothing puzzling about it," Jesse muttered. "She's too damned young."

  Rye chuckled. "I'd say she's old enough for anything the two of you might have in mind."

  "You don't know what I have in mind."

  "Yeah, right, and babies grow under cabbage leaves."

  Jesse turned his head away. "It's not as simple as you make it sound, and don't pretend you know what I'm saying because you don't. No one does. Just take it from me and shut up about it."

  For a moment Rye said nothing, but then he squeezed Jesse's shoulder once more and let his hand fall away. "All right."

  Jesse fought the sudden urge to spill his guts. Again. For all the good it would do him, had done him. What was wrong with Caroline, anyway? Why couldn't she get it through her head that he was not the man she thought him to be? The only explanation he could come up with was her youth. She was just too young to understand that sometimes life couldn't be made to fit the shape of one's dreams and expectations. He, on the other hand, knew it only too well. He pushed those thoughts away and concentrated on his brother.

  "Listen, you drive careful."

  "Don't worry. Precious cargo."

  Jesse felt a stab of intense jealousy, but the next moment he couldn't be anything but happy for his brother. God knew that Rye had suffered plenty with his first marriage. He deserved this happiness. Awkwardly Jesse hugged him, keeping it quick. "Stay in touch."

  "You know it. And, Jess..."

  -"Yeah."

  "Maybe you ought to take your own advice." "And what advice would that be?"

  Rye brought his hands to his hips. "Remember when you !Sltought the extra horses out to meet the cattle drive, what you ; to me that day you left? You said I should just let Kara make me happy for a while. That turned out to be good advice, brother. I wish you'd do the same, even if it turns out only to be temporary lor you and Caroline."

  Jesse nodded just to get Rye to shut up. He knew he couldn't do what Rye suggested. Caroline deserved better, not that Kara hadn't, didn't, deserve everything Rye could give her, but then mat was the point: Rye could—and Jesse had felt certain even back then that he would—give Kara his heart. That was a luxury in which Jesse himself did not dare indulge. But Rye couldn't know that, and that, too, was for the best. Jesse drew himself up tall and put on a pleasant face.

  "Glad you came, Rye. Take care of everyone." .;:•- "You know it."

  Rye glanced at his wristwatch, then, and grimaced. "Kara, honey, time to go."

  She called back that she'd get Champ. Two minutes later hugs had been exchanged all around, Rye's family was loaded in the big truck, and Jesse stood aside as his parents and Caroline hurried back into the house out of the cold. He stood on the edge of ?&e drive, watching as Rye drove away with his expectant wife md son. What he wouldn't give to be in Rye's boots. What he i wouldn't give to be different from the way he was.

  He told himself that a lesser man would ignore what he knew

  about himself and take another chance on love, but he didn't

  .really believe that. How could he ever forget that his was not the

  only heart and life he risked? One woman had already died, her

  dreams destroyed. He couldn't let it happen again, not to Caroline.

  ^Especially not to Caroline.

  "Don't worry about anything," Caroline said. "Just concen-

  •Jtrate on getting better.''

  •V Sarah pressed her cheek to Caroline's and laughed. "Oh, I

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  know I'm leaving everything in good hands. I know you'll take care of Jesse and the
boys."

  "Mom!" Jesse protested. "Fm'not helpless, you know. I've been taking care of myself for a long time now."

  "Of course you have, dear," Sarah said, the twinkle in her eye telling Caroline that she knew very well how Jesse would fare without her. "Nevertheless, I feel better knowing that Caroline is here with you."

  Jesse grumbled and stomped toward the garage with the last of the bags. Haney was already warming up the car, a fact attested to by the white plume of exhaust fluttering on the crisp morning air. Sarah turned to Caroline again with a smile on her handsome face and a mock sigh.

  "I did my best, sugar, but he's still a man, God bless him."

  Caroline laughed. "We'll do fine. Don't worry."

  "I won't," Sarah said, squeezing her hand. "Do you mind one final bit of advice?"

  "Not at all. What is it?"

  Sarah pursed her lips. "There's an old saying. Make hay while the sun shines. Well, the sun's shining, dear, if you take my meaning." The gleam in her eye left little doubt.

  Caroline gulped and returned the pressure of Sarah's hand. "I do love him, Sarah. I can't help it."

  Sarah slipped an arm around Caroline's shoulder. "I know you do."

  "But it's complicated."

  Sarah nodded then said, "I don't know why he's so fixated on the age thing."

  "It's more than that," Caroline said.

  Sarah shook her head. "I can't imagine what."

  Caroline bit her Up consideringly. She had the feeling that Jesse had told no one else what he'd told her, but she didn't know that. Until she did, she wasn't certain what she should say. She decided on a careful foray. "I—I think it has to do with Kay."

  Sarah straightened and put her arms around Caroline. "Oh, I don't think so, not really. -That was so long ago. He has to be over it by now. I think he's just set in his ways, stubborn, and— I've been thinking a lot about this lately—Haney and I have al-

  ways been here to share the load, you know, and maybe that hasn't always been for the best."

  "Now, that is nonsense," Caroline said firmly. "This is your ranch, yours and Haney's and Jesse's."

  "Umm, but there comes a time to retire," Sarah said. "Maybe Haney and I have pushed that boundary."

  Caroline was shocked. "Sarah! That is the arthritis talking. That's all that is, and once it's under control-—and it will be under control—you'll be raring to go again, you'll see."

  Sarah nodded and smiled. "I suppose you're right."

  "You know I am."

  Haney appeared at the end of the garage then. "What're you waiting on, for pity's sake? It's time to go."

  "Oh, all right!" Sarah called. Then she turned to Caroline for a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "You take care of yourself, too, now, young lady, while you're taking care of everyone else."

  "I will. Don't worry!"

  "I won't," Sarah assured her, carefully setting off down the path. Jesse appeared to help her, his arm encircling her waist protectively.

  "Have a safe trip!" Caroline called, waving.

  Sarah waved back while moving down the walk and speaking quickly to Jesse, who nodded and nodded, though obviously more concerned with seeing her safely to the car than whatever instructions or advice she was imparting. Caroline watched, huddling inside her coat on the small stoop, until they disappeared into the garage. A few moments later, Jesse reappeared, stepping back into the snow as Haney guided the car out of the garage and onto the front driveway. With a single look over his shoulder in her direction, Jesse trudged off toward the barn. Caroline squinted up into the bright glare of a mid-January sun and turned her thoughts to making hay.

  What was it about a man's stocking foot that made a woman want to rip his clothes off? It shouldn't mean a thing, that he was sitting there fully dressed except for his boots, which he had removed and placed neatly beside the couch, but for some reason she couldn't keep her gaze off his feet where they rested on the

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  ottoman. The movie they were supposed to be watching on the television had gone by in a tumble of meaningless sounds and sights. Meanwhile, his every move registered physically with her, even though he never touched her, keeping carefully to his end of the long sofa.

  A commercial came on, the increased volume penetrating the almost sexual stupor in which she found herself. Caroline sat up straight, aware suddenly of a hollow rumble in her midsection. "I think I'll make some popcorn. Would you like some popcorn?"

  "Yeah, sure, if you want."

  "Fine. I'll make some popcorn."

  She got up and went into the kitchen, mechanically going through the steps of popping popcorn in the microwave. At this rate, she told herself, she would be insane by the time Sarah and Haney returned from the Denver clinic. She and Jesse were banging around this big old house like a pair of haunts, each trapped in his or her own dimension. They ate at the same table, sat on the same couch, climbed the same stairs, but they might as well have been doing those things on separate planets; and yet, at the very same time, she was painfully aware of his every movement and expression when he was near. She didn't doubt, couldn't doubt, that it was the same for him, but she was beginning to understand that he'd slit his own throat before he'd admit it. Somehow she was going to have to force his hand. But how?

  She returned to the living room a few minutes later carrying a bowl of popcorn and two canned colas, only to find that Jesse had moved to his father's recliner. Well, he wasn't getting off that easily. Handing him the bowl of popcorn and one of the sodas, she pushed the ottoman over beside his chair and plopped herself down, reaching a hand into the popcorn bowl in his lap. Grudgingly, Jesse balanced the bowl on the arm of the chair and stared at the television. Caroline popped the top on her soda and pretended not to notice when he sidled away from her, squashing himself into the far corner of the recliner.

  The television had been giving them a little trouble the past couple of days. Without warning it would start to hiss and continue doing so until someone tapped the end of the sound knob.

  If9

  As chance would have it, 'the thing chose just that moment to start sounding like a roomful of angry snakes. "Oh, for pity's sake!" Jesse grumbled, rocking his chair forward.

  "I'll do it," Caroline said, getting up.

  Just as she passed in front of the recliner, he kicked back again, sending the footrest up and out. The edge connected sharply with her knee. Crying out, she pitched forward and found herself facedown in Jesse's lap, one hand sinking down between the seat cushion and the side of the chair, the other between his legs, popcorn flying. Awareness jolted through her. An instant later, he was practically climbing the back of the chair to get away from her. Disgusted with them both, she groped for the arms of the chair and pushed herself up.

  "Stop acting like I'm going to bite you!" she snapped at him, regaining her feet. Stop thinking about biting him! she told herself.

  Jesse settled back down into the chair. "Sorry. I just— It was my fault."

  "Yes, it was," she agreed. Reaching across to the television, she slapped the end of the volume knob and the hissing stopped,

  Jesse muttered something about shopping for a new television. Caroline folded her arms and looked down at him. "Why don't you just get it fixed? There's nothing wrong with it but the volume."

  He nodded, not even looking at her. "Damn it, Jesse, this isn't fair!"

  He gaped at her. "It's not my fault the television needs work!"

  "That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it!"

  He bounded up out of the chair, nearly knocking her over.' 'I'm going to bed."

  "Oh, no, you don't!" She spun around as he pushed by her, kicking through a mound of popcorn on the floor. She snagged • Ms shirtsleeve. "Not until we've talked this through."

  He jerked his arm away but stood his ground, his back to her. "There's nothing to talk about."