by E. L. Todd
Rex rested his hand on my back and rubbed it gently. “No.”
“I mean it, Rex. I just want to be alone right now. I just want...” I didn’t know what I wanted. The taste of salt filled my mouth from the constant tears. My lips felt dry at the same time. My heart felt like it might shatter into a thousand pieces.
“I’m gonna be here for you—like always.”
“I don’t want you to be here for me.” I was acting like a brat, but I couldn’t stop myself. My happiness had been taken away from me. Now I hated everyone in the world. “I just want to be alone. I want to sit in the dark and just...disappear.”
***
I didn’t go to work the next day. Rex called in sick for me, saying I had the flu.
Rex must have put me in bed at some point because that’s where I woke up. Normally, the second I opened my eyes I was out of bed and doing something. But today, I just stared at Safari’s fur, watching his chest rise and fall as he snored.
I wasn’t sure how long I lay there.
Maybe minutes.
Maybe hours.
Time had no meaning to me anymore.
Rex tapped his knuckles on the open door. “Rae, someone is here to see you.”
“Tell Zeke to leave,” I whispered. “I don’t want to see him.”
“Not Zeke.” Jessie’s voice became clear as she walked toward me.
“Just us,” Kayden said.
I rolled over and looked at them, feeling both happiness and depression the second I saw their faces. Tears were in Jessie’s eyes, and it was obvious Kayden had already cried before she came inside.
“Girl, we’re here for you.” Jessie wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me into her side.
Kayden sat on the other side and ran her fingers through my hair. “You’re going to be okay, Rae. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now but you will.”
Rex stood in the doorway, watching us bond together.
I closed my eyes, feeling some form of comfort at their affection. “No, it won’t be okay. I didn’t just lose my boyfriend. I lost my best friend.” I lost the most integral person in my life. I lost a family member. It was the most devastating blow I’d ever received.
“That’s not true,” Jessie said. “You may have lost a boyfriend. But Zeke will always be your friend.”
Kayden ran her fingers down my back, her touch comforting me.
“Let’s get you in the shower,” Jessie said. “Then we’ll have some breakfast.”
“Don’t you guys have work?” I whispered.
“No, not today.” Jessie stood up and pulled me to a stand.
“Me neither,” Kayden said.
“Isn’t it Wednesday?” I muttered.
“It doesn’t matter what day it is,” Jessie said. “We’re here for you—because you’re family.”
***
I told myself to snap out of it and let this depression disappear. Moping around and crying wasn’t me at all. I was devastated over losing Ryker, but I didn’t let his absence ruin my life.
But I knew this would be a million times harder.
I had to toughen up and keep going, moving forward. I couldn’t cry to myself all day long. I had to go to work and live a normal life.
But it seemed impossible.
I couldn’t do it.
Zeke destroyed me.
How could I live without him?
I forced myself to get out of bed, get ready for work, and even made myself swallow a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It used to be my favorite cereal, but now I couldn’t taste anything.
Rex came over to check on me—like usual. “Are you sure you should go to work?”
“Yes.” I could barely talk without wanting to cry. My entire body ached from physical injuries I never actually received. Just putting one foot in front of the other fatigued me. I tried not to think about Zeke, but my concentration only lasted two seconds before he popped back into my mind.
“It’s okay if you take another sick day, Rae.”
“No...I’m fine.” I grabbed my purse and my keys, feeling the burn behind my eyes. “You can stop worrying about me.”
“You know I’ll never stop worrying about you.” He did something unexpected—he hugged me. He wrapped his arms around me and held me against his chest. He pressed my head against his shoulder so I could relax.
I let my brother hold me, but the affection didn’t mask the agony deep inside my chest. It didn’t matter how long he held me, it wouldn’t erase what I’d lost. I pulled away and walked to the door. “I’ll see you later...”
“Rae, you don’t have to prove anything.”
“I’m not trying to prove anything.” I managed to open the door but it felt heavier than ever before. “When Ryker dumped me, I went to work. And I’m not gonna let...” I couldn’t finish the sentence. “So don’t worry about it.” I slammed the door behind me even though I wasn’t mad.
I was just...lost.
***
The nice thing about work was I had something to do with both my hands and my mind. Working with bacteria, isolating colonies, and growing them in incubators until I had exactly what I needed kept me distracted. I didn’t tell Jenny anything, and it was nice to be spoken to like I wasn’t a time bomb about to explode.
When the eight hours were over, I wished I could stay forever. I’d always liked my job, but I never wanted to live there before. Now, the idea of returning to my small apartment, something I was about to give up so I could move in with Zeke, made me want to sleep under my desk.
I clocked out and left, but I didn’t go home. Instead, I walked the streets, counting the cracks in the sidewalk. The higher the number, the more accomplished I felt. The distraction was keeping me sane, but I knew I couldn’t do that forever. It was already dark, and the cold was settling in.
But I kept walking.
My phone vibrated in my pocket for the tenth time, so I pulled it out. Seeing Rex’s name was on the screen, I answered without saying hello. I pressed the phone to my ear and kept walking.
“Rae?”
“Hmm?”
“Where the hell are you? You got off work three hours ago.”
“I went for a walk...”
“Where?” he snapped.
“Just around...” I glanced up at the street sign on the corner. “On Carver.”
He sighed into the phone. “You need to come home. I’ve got dinner on the table, and it’s getting cold.”
Rex never cooked anything in his life—unless you counted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. “You cooked?” I asked incredulously.
“Yes. Now come home and insult it. It’s probably not very good.”
I wanted to laugh. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, but at least I felt the sensation.
When I didn’t respond, he spoke again. “You’re coming home, right? Please don’t make me go out there and hunt you down.”
“No... I’ll come home.”
“Thank you. You want me to stay on the phone with you?”
“No. I’m fine.” I hung up without saying goodbye and walked home, my hands in the pockets of my jacket. My hair was in a bun because I didn’t care about doing anything with it today. I looked like shit, but I couldn’t care less how terrible I looked.
When I walked in the door, Safari immediately greeted me. He licked my hand then stood on his hind legs, his paws against my chest. He whined when he looked at me, greeting me like a concerned friend.
“I’m okay, Safari.” I scratched him behind the ears then hugged him, wrapping my arms around the enormous beast that was by my side through every difficult time in my life. He was my true best friend.
Rex set the table then put down a bowl of spaghetti with garlic bread. “You must be starving. Have a seat.”
I didn’t want to release Safari, but I forced myself to let his fur slip through my fingers. I walked to the table, Safari trailing behind me. I fell into the chair with a thud that slightly hurt my ass, but th
e pain didn’t truly register. Slouching over the table and resting my chin in my palm, I looked at the food without having an appetite.
Rex sat down and made a plate for me. “How was work?”
I grabbed a fork and spun it in my pasta, not looking at him.
Rex didn’t press for details. “You don’t want to talk, I get it. So, I’ll tell you about my day. I ordered a shipment of bowling balls, but for some reason, they thought I made two orders. So, I have way too many balls in the bowling alley. They started to plug up the turning system, so I had to put them in storage.” He inhaled his food, getting sauce all over his face. “Wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but carrying bowling balls back and forth is exhausting.”
I finally took a bite and realized it wasn’t half bad.
Rex kept eating as if he wasn’t sitting across from a ghost. “At least I’ll have some in stock when the ones on the floor get too old or disappear.” He grabbed a piece of garlic bread and dipped it into his sauce.
I managed to spit something out. “That’s cool...”
“I took Safari for a walk today, and he peed on that same fire hydrant he always pees on.” Rex rolled his eyes. “What’s with dogs and fire hydrants?”
I shrugged.
He went silent as he chewed his food. “Jessie gave me a haircut today.”
I knew he was saying anything that came to mind to fill the silence. “Rex?”
“Hmm?”
I looked at him, seeing the green eyes that were identical to my own. “I know you’re trying to help, but you don’t need to keep talking to make me feel better. The silence is okay. Honestly, it doesn’t make much of a difference anyway.” I took another bite of my spaghetti, doing my best to keep eating.
Rex took another bite of his garlic bread, the sadness creeping into his features. “Then what’s the best way I can help?”
I didn’t have an answer for that. “I don’t know... Just being with me is enough.”
Chapter Six
Rex
Rae was a mess.
When Ryker walked out with that supermodel, Rae was devastated. She tried to stay strong by keeping busy, going to work every day and hitting the gym. But we all knew she was struggling to get through every single day. It wasn’t until three months had passed that she finally returned to her normal self.
But this was a million times worse.
Only partially alive, she moved through the world without any meaning. She forced herself to get ready and go to work every morning, but it was painful to watch. When she was home, she curled up with Safari like he was a stuffed animal.
She was completely and totally devastated.
But Zeke was worse.
I walked into his house without knocking and found him sitting on his couch in the living room, the TV and all the lights out. He sat in the darkness, hardly visible unless you already knew he was there.
I flicked on a few lights so it didn’t feel like a cave.
Zeke didn’t react at all. I could have been a burglar and he probably wouldn’t have cared.
I sat on the other couch and watched him, seeing the pale devastation on his face. He’d been this way since Rae leftnot dead but not really alive either. I didn’t have the nerve to say I told you so, so I didn’t.
“How is she?” Zeke’s broken voice cut through the silence. He’d been more worried about her than I was, constantly asking me if she was safe.
“She’s...the same. She went to work today.”
He stared at the blank TV screen. “That’s good...”
“She doesn’t say much.”
“Has she been eating?”
“When I make her.”
Zeke crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. “Does she talk about me?”
“Hasn’t mentioned you.”
He closed his eyes like my answer was painful. “I want to talk to her, but I know I need to give her some space.”
It didn’t matter how much time Zeke gave her. Rae would never give him another chance. Even if she wasn’t a living corpse, she still wouldn’t change her mind. “I think she needs to be alone right now.”
“Yeah...” He closed his eyes and took another deep breath. When he opened them, a thin film of moisture coated his eyes.
I didn’t judge him for the emotion. If this had happened with Kayden, I’d be just as destroyed. “So...what have you been up to?”
“A friend of mine has been taking my patients at the office. I’m in no shape to work with people right now...”
Since he was a physician, that was probably the best move. “What have you been doing?”
“This.” He stared at the TV without blinking, tears still in his eyes. “I can’t sleep in my bed. The sheets smell like her...”
“You want me to wash them?”
“No,” he said quickly. “No...”
“Is there anything else I can do?” I felt torn. I needed to take care of Rae because she was my sister, the victim in this catastrophe. But I wanted to be there for my best friend too. Despite what he’d done, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he loved Rae with his whole heart. No one would ever treat her better than he would.
“Just...make sure she’s okay. Don’t worry about me.”
Little did he know, he was in worse shape. Rae was at least going to work every day. “You want me to go by the store and get some groceries?”
“I’m not hungry.”
I walked into the kitchen and looked inside the fridge. There was nothing but old lunch meat and two bottles of beer. His cabinets were the same. “I’m gonna go to the store for you. Do you need anything else? Laundry soap?” I walked back into the living room to see him in the exact same spot, starting at the TV.
“No.”
“Is it cool if I take your Jeep?”
“Couldn’t care less,” he whispered.
My heart broke at the sight of my friend, weak and broken on the couch. I walked over to him and placed my hand on his shoulder, knowing a hug was too affectionate for us. I just left my hand there so he could feel some kind of contact. He needed to know I was there even if I didn’t have the right words to say it.
Zeke didn’t move. “I’m gonna get her back. It might take a while...but I will.”
I wasn’t an asshole, so I didn’t disagree with him. Eventually, he would understand that their relationship was really over. But if that hope was keeping him together, I wasn’t going to take that away from him. “Yeah...”
***
“How’s Zeke?” Jessie sat across from me at the table, Kayden beside her. They’d been there for Rae, but I insisted on having alone time with my sister too, knowing I was the person she was most comfortable with besides Zeke.
“He’s...a mess.” I wasn’t going to sugarcoat it. “He’s terrible. He’s worse than Rae. Not even going to work.”
“Wow,” Kayden whispered. “What about Rae?”
A week had come and gone, and she went to work every day. But she looked like a zombie every morning and every night. “She’s the same. Still devastated. She’s trying to move forward and get on with her life, but it’s not working very well. She had an easier time when Ryker left her. But this time...she’s really struggling.”
“Poor girl,” Jessie said.
“Why the hell did Zeke have to do that?” Kayden demanded. “What the hell was he thinking?”
I shook my head. “It was one bad mistake. We all make mistakes.”
“This is Zeke we’re talking about,” Jessie said. “We all know he’s not a cheater. He’s got a heart of gold. He wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose, especially Rae. He was just upset over Ryker, and I think he had every right to be upset. Rae was still interacting with Ryker more than she should have been. I think she should forgive Zeke.”
“I do too,” I said in agreement. “But she won’t.”
“He slept with someone else,” Kayden said. “If Zeke was so upset, he should have kicked Ryker’s ass. That would have been a
more appropriate course of action than to screw a stranger.”
“We can’t sit around and list all the things Zeke should have done.” I didn’t like disagreeing with my girlfriend, but I did it anyway. “Because we don’t understand how he felt. And besides, what happened is in the past. All we can do is move forward.”
“Are they ever going to be in the same room together anymore?” Jessie asked.
“Is our friendship divided now?” Kayden asked. “Will we have to split our time between Rae and Zeke?”
I knew they would never get back together, but I hoped they would pull through this as friends. “They love each other too much to cut each other out. It might take some time, but they’ll be friends again. I’m not worried about it.”
“Even if they start dating other people?” Jessie asked.
“That’s a long way away,” I said. “But I think they’ll get through that too.”
“Wow...” Kayden ran her fingers through her hair, what she usually did when she was nervous. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“I can’t either,” Jessie said. “I really thought they were going to be together forever.”
“Me too,” I whispered. “I told Zeke not to tell her, but he did it anyway.”
“What?” Kayden snapped. “You told him to lie to her?”
“Not lie,” I corrected. “Just not go out of his way to tell her.”
“You can’t be serious.” Kayden gave me a fiery look that was hostile yet borderline cute.
“In any other situation, I’d say you should come clean about it.” Every person had to own up to their crimes and take their punishment. “But it’s different with them. Zeke thought she picked Ryker over him. He thought they were broken up.”
“It’s still a stupid assumption,” Kayden snapped.
“You didn’t see them in the restaurant,” I argued. “Honestly, I’m totally on Zeke’s side for this. Ryker was holding her hands across the table and kissing her knuckles. Frankly, they looked like a couple deeply in love and having a romantic dinner. First, Ryker sent her roses, and then he paid two grand to dance with her at that gala, and he came on to her here at the bar. Zeke put up with a lot of shit. I think he just snapped.”