Ray of Heart (Ray #5)

by E. L. Todd

  He let my hand slip away, his pain burning across his face.

  “I wish things were different...you know that.”

  Now, he was speechless.

  “I think we should spend some time apart before we see each other again. Because I need you in my life, Zeke. We promised we would always be friends no matter what happened. Don’t break your promise to me.” If Zeke threatened to remove me from his life permanently, I may have given in and allowed our relationship another try. Losing our romantic relationship was heartbreaking enough. But if I lost his friendship, something I’d had my entire life, I wouldn’t have been able to go on.

  “Rae...of course we’ll always be friends.” He looked at me with hollow eyes. “But we’ll never be the kind of friends we were before. I’m never gonna look at you the same. You’ll always be my girl. Even if you’re married with kids, you’ll still be my girl. We can do the best we can but...I’m always going to be in love with you.”

  And I knew I would always be in love with him.

  ***

  I did a lot of crying that weekjust as much as the first week.

  But I was still going to work every day, doing laundry, and taking Safari on daily walks through the park.

  Instead of thinking about the future, I tried to take it one day at a time.

  Baby steps.

  All I thought about was what I needed to do at work, how many miles I could walk with Safari that day, and what I was having for dinner.

  That’s it.

  I tried not to think about what Zeke was doing that afternoon. I tried not to look at my phone and hope he would text me. I tried not to think about what he was doing at work. I tried to block him out entirely.

  Rex continued to come over every day with dinner, even though it was unnecessary. If I was hungry, I’d make something. Every day I was at work, I usually ate out with Jenny since we took our breaks at the same time. It’s wasn’t like I’d stopped eating.

  Just not as much.

  I was in the lab, listening to the radio for the first time in a month. All the love songs always made me think of Zeke, so I couldn’t handle it in the beginning. But now, it was easier. I could listen to music without thinking about Zeke during every track.

  Jenny was taking her afternoon break, so I was alone with my thoughts, and that was never good. Every time Zeke came into my mind, I forced the thoughts away. I usually switched my focus to Safari and that eliminated the negative thoughts. Safari made me feel happy, with his long tongue and soft fur.

  The door at the top of the stairs opened and footsteps thudded as they descended to the bottom floor.

  I’d just assumed Jenny was back from her break even though she hadn’t been gone long.

  “Am I interrupting anything?” Ryker’s deep voice came from behind me, confident and suave.

  My heart leapt into overdrive when he caught me by surprise. I had just finished a gram stain, so I pulled off my gloves and turned off the burner. Before I could forget where I was in my project, I labeled the microscope slide then washed my hands.

  Ryker watched me the entire time.

  “No. I was just doing boring science stuff.”

  “I don’t think it’s boring. I don’t understand it, but I don’t think it’s boring.” He walked to the lab table, wearing his gray suit with a matching tie. He looked like a million bucks with his tailored clothing and styled hair. Instead of being the CEO of a trash company, he should have been in a GQ ad.

  “What’s up?” Jenny would be back any second, and I didn’t want to be questioned about my mysterious relationship with the handsome boss. I’d rather not be seen with him at all costs.

  Concern was radiating in his gaze. “Just wanted to see how you were doing.”

  This man had watched me throw up three times. Fortunately, I was too depressed to be embarrassed. “I’m okay.” I wasn’t going to pretend I’d put myself back together in the two weeks since I’d seen him.

  “You wanna grab a bite after work?”

  I wasn’t going down this road with Ryker againnot now and not ever. “Ryker, I’m not looking for romance or a hook-up right now.” My body had grown numb since Zeke and I broke up a month ago. The only life I felt was when Zeke and I made out and nearly slept together on his bed. But other than that, I was dead inside.

  “That’s not why I’m asking.”

  I didn’t have time for games. “Yes, it is. I know you.”

  “You knew me,” he corrected. “Honestly, I just want to be there for you. You were there for me when I didn’t deserve it, and now I’m doing the same for you. I’m here to talk, here to cry on, whatever.”

  “I have plenty of people for that...”

  He walked around the table and came closer to me. “I don’t have any tricks up my sleeve. I’m not trying to swoop in now that Zeke is out of the picture. I’m just worried about you and want to help. So, please, have dinner with me.”

  “I don’t know...”

  “Come on, nothing fancy. We can go to that taco place down the street. I won’t even try to pay for your food. We’re just friends.”

  It seemed like he meant it, so I caved. “Okay, I’ll go.”

  ***

  I texted Rex when we arrived at the taco shop. I’m having dinner with a friend so don’t wait up. I didn’t want to lie to him, so I didn’t. But I wasn’t honest either. If I’d even mentioned Ryker’s name, Rex would have been down there so fast it wouldn’t be funny.

  We ordered our food and sat in a booth in the corner. Tons of people were around, and the atmosphere was casual. The fluorescent lights overhead were too bright, and none of the tables looked like they’d been properly cleaned.

  It wasn’t remotely romantic.

  And I loved that.

  I picked at my taco then squeezed a lime over the top. Even though the food smelled good, it didn’t look appetizing. My need for food fluctuated as time went on. Sometimes, I was starving, but most times, I didn’t want to take a single bite.

  Ryker ate across from me, his stare off to the side, so he wasn’t looking straight at me.

  I appreciated it.

  If anyone I knew walked in right then, Ryker and I would just look like two friends getting dinner and nothing more.

  “So, what have you been doing?” Ryker asked before he took another bite.

  “Nothing.” It was the sad truth. “I take Safari on a walk every day. But that’s about it.”

  “Good. Getting fresh air is important. When my dad passed away, I started to run at night. It helped me get rid of the anger.”

  I never knew that. “I finally got my stuff back from Zeke’s place. It was really hard.”

  “I can imagine.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin, his scruff thick like he hadn’t shaved in a few days.

  “He kissed me and things heated up, but I managed to stop it.” I wasn’t sure why I was telling him this. I hadn’t mentioned it to anyone, not even Rex. Words came tumbling out of my mouth. “I knew if I went through with it, it would only make things harder.”

  “Yeah...you’re probably right.” If he felt uncomfortable by any of this, he didn’t show it. When he looked at me, it seemed to be in a genuinely friendly way. If he was jealous, it didn’t seem like it. “It’s been a month now, right?”

  I nodded.

  “And you don’t feel any better?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think I’m ever going to feel better...”

  “Then maybe you should reconsider everything.” Ryker pushed for Zeke again, to my astonishment. “You love him. He loves you. The guy made a mistake, and you know he’s sorry. Maybe you should forgive him.”

  “Of course, I forgive him,” I whispered. “I love him, and I can’t stay mad at him forever. But...I can’t be with him anymore.” No one would understand my feelings unless the love of their life had cheated on them.

  Ryker seemed disappointed with that response. “Let me ask you something. Keep in mind, I’m not as
king because it has anything to do with me or how I feel. It’s only to prove a point.”

  I ignored my food and stared at him.

  “I was a complete dick to you. I explained what was going on at the time, but at the end of the day, I still broke your heart. If I’d come back to you within a month and asked you to take me back, would you have done it?”

  “I...I don’t know.”

  “You would have.” His eyes held his confidence, like there was no doubt. “You would have forgiven me, and we would have given the relationship another try.”

  When I remembered how I felt at the time, I knew he was right. “What’s your point?”

  “What I did to you is worse than what Zeke did.”

  “You didn’t cheat on me, Ryker.”

  “But what I did was worse, in my eyes.” He threw his napkin down onto his tray. “I pushed you away without explanation, I dumped you, and within a week, I was chasing tail. Zeke would never do something like that because he’s not as much of an idiot as I was.”

  “It’s still different...”

  He shook his head in annoyance. “You’re looking at the situation in black and white. Look at the shades of gray.”

  I felt my anger rise, but I managed to keep it back. “Ryker, I know you’re trying to help, but please stop telling me what to do. Stop telling me how I should feel. Stop simplifying this when you don’t have a clue how I feel right now.”

  He raised his hands in surrender. “You’re right. I’ll back off.”

  “Thank you.” I sipped my soda and felt the burn of the carbonation down my throat. The moment grew tense, so I stared at the table and avoided his look. It seemed like everyone but Kayden wanted me to go back to Zeke and sweep everything under the rug.

  “I have a confession to make.”

  My eyes found his face.

  “I’ve been making rounds at the bars every night to make sure you aren’t there. Can I assume you aren’t drinking like that anymore?”

  The gesture was sweet. So sweet, it made me feel guilty for scaring him. “No. That was the one time.”

  “And only time?” he pressed, scolding me like a schoolteacher.

  I nodded. “I just didn’t want to feel the pain anymore, and I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “There are other coping mechanisms.”

  “Like?” I’d been depressed for a while and hadn’t found a solution.

  “Just feel it. Feel it good. Let it kill you. Then once it passes, it’s gone.”

  “Man, that’s terrible advice.”

  He chuckled. “It’s the quickest way to feeling better. Take the hit and move on. The longer you wait to feel the worst of it, the longer it’s going to last. I held on to my anger for too long and refused to feel the pain. As a result, I lost more than I could afford.” The sadness still filled his eyes, but he didn’t seem as devastated as before.

  Even though I felt terrible, I felt worse for him. “I’m sorry, Ryker.”

  “It’s okay.” He cleared his throat. “I’m not talking about me right now. I’m just reminding you that you aren’t alone. We all feel like shit sometimes.”

  “Yeah...” And I knew Zeke felt the same way.

  Ryker sipped his soda and didn’t eat his last taco, losing his appetite over the discussion. “So, Safari hates me, huh?”

  “I’m not sure what’s gotten into him. I’ve never seen him act like that. He’s pretty friendly.”

  “He must know that I hurt you.”

  “Safari is smart, but I don’t think he’s that smart.”

  “I can’t think of any other explanation,” he said. “He clearly remembers me. He’s just very protective of you. Kinda sweet.”

  “He is sweet.” I sighed when I thought about my dog, probably sitting on the kitchen floor staring at the door right this second. “He’s gotten me through so much. He sticks to my side every second he’s with me. I wouldn’t know what to do without him.”

  “He’s a good dog. Makes me want to get one.”

  “You should.”

  “I’ll have to get rid of my apartment first. No place for a dog.”

  “Safari didn’t seem to mind it.” He loved lying on Ryker’s comfortable couches, and he particularly loved the king bed in the bedroom.

  “Maybe I’ll buy a place next to the coast. I’ve always liked the ocean.”

  “If I had the money, I would.” The water was freezing, but the view was beautiful. Whenever Safari stuck his paws in the ice-cold water, he immediately jumped out. He wasn’t as tough as he pretended to be.

  “You know, my dad had a sailboat. He left it to me.”

  “I never knew he sailed.” He was a little heavy around the waist and didn’t seem nearly as active as Ryker.

  “He didn’t go often. The boat was an impulse buy that he never used.” Ryker chuckled to himself. “My mom was so ticked when he bought it. He named it after her, but she was still annoyed.”

  “That’s sweet.” It was the first time I’d smiled in four weeks.

  “Anyway, you and Safari want to take it for a spin on Saturday?”

  My smile immediately vanished. “Uh...”

  He rested his elbows on the table and leaned forward. “Asking as a friend. And only a friend.”

  Ryker seemed genuine up until this point, encouraging me to get back together with Zeke twice now. It didn’t seem like he had a hidden agenda. This wasn’t some ploy to get me back.

  “Bring your friends. I don’t care. You can even bring Zeke if you want.”

  Just the mere idea gave me anxiety. The three of us would head out to sea, but only two would return. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to bring Zeke. I don’t think it’s a good idea to bring anyone, actually.”

  “Why not?”

  I went with the truth because I didn’t see the harm. “I know if I tell any of them that we’re spending time together, they’re going to assume the worst and all hell will break loose.”

  He chuckled. “Wow. They really hate me, huh?”

  “I’m sorry.” I didn’t sugarcoat it. If Ryker ran into Rex, he needed to be prepared for a fist to the face.

  “No, it’s okay.” His smile faded. “I deserve it. So, what are you going to do? Not take a ride with me because you’re afraid they’ll find out.”

  “I’m not afraid of them. I just don’t want them to tell Zeke and give him the wrong idea of what’s going on between you and me. He doesn’t exactly see straight when it comes to you.”

  Ryker crossed his arms over his chest, looking thoughtful. “I don’t mean for this to come out wrong, but what does it matter what he thinks? I mean, you’re broken up, and you’ve said multiple you’re never getting back together. It sounds like you’re free to do whatever you want. After all, he did sleep with someone.”

  “Wow, you flipped pretty quickly.”

  That handsome smile stretched on his lips. “I still think you should give the guy another chance. But I don’t think you should have to lie about spending time with me. We’re just friends. And if you tell him that, he should believe you. You aren’t the kind of person that would lie about something like that.”

  “Yeah...” But I knew Zeke would be jealous, and I didn’t want to hurt him.

  “Rex isn’t living with you anymore, right?” Ryker asked. “How would he even know what you’re doing?”

  “He checks on me a lot.”

  Ryker nodded in understanding. “You still don’t have to tell him. Our friendship can be a secret. I won’t tell if you don’t.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

  Finally, I laughed. It was the first time my chest relaxed enough to do something other than cry. The ridiculous look on his face made me chuckle enough that the weak muscles in my stomach tensed. “You’re my secret friend?”

  He shrugged. “I can be your secret friend.”

  Ryker made me feel better than I expected. For the last five minutes, I didn’t think about Zeke at all. It felt so good to talk about sai
ling and Safari, two things that had nothing to do with Zeke. It was like a breath of fresh air.

  But that elation faded away when I realized what I had to say. I didn’t want to even talk about it, but it needed to be said. “I want you to know that you and I are never going to get back together either. I just don’t want you to hope that’s where this is going. Even if I do get over Zeke, it’s not gonna happen.” I hated myself for being so harsh, but I knew I would hate myself even more if I wasn’t.

  Ryker’s features didn’t change. He still had the smile on his face. “Rae, that’s perfectly fine. Do I wish things had worked out between us? Absolutely. Do I still have feelings for you? I would be lying if I said I didn’t. But I’ve accepted your decision. However, I don’t want to lose you from my life permanently. I’d much rather settle for being your friend, for loving you from a distance, than not having you in my life at all.”

  My heart ached at his words. They made me feel both good and bad at the same time. “As long as that’s the truth, I’m okay with that.”

  “Great. Now that the awkward and uncomfortable conversation is out of the way...you wanna go sailing?”

  “I’ve never been.”

  “Never?” he asked, his eyebrow rising. “You’ve lived in Seattle your whole life and you’ve never been?”

  “Can’t say I have.”

  “Then we have to go. I’ll bring some sandwiches, and we’ll make a day out of it.”

  “I don’t know anything about sailing so can you handle the ship on your own?”

  He rolled his eyes like my words were cute. “Oh, believe me, I can handle the ship on my own.”

  Chapter Ten

  Rex

  I got Zeke out of the house and to a bar, somewhere with people. Music played on the speakers overhead and cute girls in heels chatted, eyeing him and hoping he would stop by their table and make a move.

  Zeke seemed oblivious to it.

  “So...what’s new?” I tried not to talk about Rae anymore. It seemed to make things worse.

  “I got the oil changed in my Jeep.”

  Wow, he was the most boring person on the planet now. “You didn’t watch the Mariner game last night?”