‘Because what?’
‘Because she’s gone, Aidan.’
‘Only because you let her go.’
‘I don’t want her pity.’
‘Oh, balls, Andrew. She’s your wife.’
‘Yeah. Tell that to the builder.’
A little later Aidan was in Jurassic Park having a drink when he spotted Lorcan, the twenty-four-year-old he’d slept with two nights before. Balls. The whole point of going into Jurassic Park was that all those under the age of thirty stayed on the other side of the George, the youthful fun side where every day is Mardi Gras and age is just a number, not indelibly marked on your face.
‘I hoped I’d find you here,’ Lorcan said, sitting beside him.
‘There should be an over-thirties age limit in this bar,’ Aidan said, keeping his eyes fixed forward.
‘I thought you were going to stop playing hard to get after the other night.’
‘I was drunk when I said those things. You’re twenty-four and I’m in a relationship.’
‘So?’
‘So don’t start.’
‘You like me.’
‘I really don’t.’
‘You do – that’s why you can’t look at me. It’s too painful.’
Aidan laughed.
‘I really like you,’ Lorcan said, with his head tilted.
‘I’m in a relationship.’
‘You’re not happy.’
‘That’s none of your business.’
‘Aidan, every time you break up with him, you come to me. Every time you fight with him, you come to me. Every time he does something you don’t agree with, you come to me. We like the same things, we laugh together, and we’re attracted to one another. I’m patient but not infinitely so.’
‘I shouldn’t have knocked on your door the other night,’ Aidan said. ‘It’s not fair on you.’
‘He’s never going to get you the way I do,’ Lorcan said.
Aidan laughed. ‘You don’t really know me.’
‘I know you better than he does.’ Lorcan left Aidan on that note.
Why is it so easy to have the answers for everyone else’s relationship and yet be completely and utterly useless about your own?
Melissa was already on the computer when Gerry answered the door to Aidan.
‘Jesus, it’s coming down out there,’ he pointed out.
‘Really? I hadn’t noticed,’ Aidan replied drily, while he dripped on the mat.
‘Yeah, yeah. Get in.’ Gerry grabbed a towel from the bathroom under the stairs and handed it to Aidan, who wiped his face and patted his hair dry. Gerry took his coat and draped it on the radiator.
‘Coffee?’
‘I’d love one. Where are the kids?’
‘Blissfully in bed.’
Aidan checked his watch. It was getting on for eight thirty. ‘So where is she?’
‘Upstairs on the computer. She’s been printing stuff off since you called. What’s going on?’
‘Oh, nothing.’
‘Right.’ Gerry knew better than to interfere – besides, a match was starting. He handed Aidan the coffee. ‘You know where to go.’
Melissa was staring at the screen when he went into her makeshift office.
‘Well?’
‘Well, it could be anything. Listen to this. “Fifty-two per cent of males between the ages of forty and seventy have reported some degree of impotence.” Can you believe that?’
‘I’d rather not.’
‘“Age is one factor in ED” – that’s short for erectile dysfunction. “The majority of men with it do not seek or receive adequate advice or treatment.”’ She was nodding. ‘Remind you of anyone we know? Still can’t believe it. What a moron. If my Gerry hid something like that from me I’d murder him.’
‘There are days that if your Gerry buttered his bread with the wrong knife you’d murder him. He’s still here by the grace of God, the poor bastard.’
‘Ha, ha, you should think about going on the road with that kind of material,’ she said, without looking away from the screen.
Aidan smiled. She was in her element, glasses at the tip of her nose, clicking away, accessing the fountain of information, regurgitating facts and figures. Although Aidan had promised Andrew he wouldn’t say a word about his problem to Susan, he had not made such a promise about mentioning it to anyone else and so, in the wake of his encounter with Lorcan, he had called her from Jurassic Park. Andrew had asked him for his help so he would give it and to do that he had to know a little bit about what he was dealing with. As his laptop had died on him three months previously it was only natural that he should call upon his friend the Googaholic.
‘“Psychological reasons account for one third of cases.” Do you think it’s psychological?’
‘I’m not a doctor.’
‘Okay. “Physical causes of ED. Erection occurs in response to signals to the brain, erectile tissue, cylinders, sponge-like”, blah, blah, blah. “Fibres contract, the sponge is wrung out.”’
‘Jesus, Melissa.’
‘I’m only reading what’s there. Okay, where was I? Oh, “draining veins open up”.’
‘Okay, that’s it. Read it in your head.’
They sat in silence, Aidan studying a poster about a stressed housewife on the wall in front of him and Melissa reading the ins and outs of a flaccid versus hard penis.
‘Here we go. “Possible physical causes of ED. Diabetes.” He doesn’t have that. “High blood pressure.” He could have that.’
‘Jesus, I have that,’ Aidan said. ‘It’s not outrageously high but at my last check-up my doctor said it was a little high.’ He was slightly pale.
‘It has to do with hardening of the arteries.’
‘Oh, God.’
‘Calm down. You’re fine. Oh, and smoking.’
‘He doesn’t smoke.’
‘Not now but he did for about twenty years.’
‘Oh, God, I smoked.’ Aidan was beginning to feel very sorry he’d sought Melissa’s Googling expertise. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
‘Multiple sclerosis. No. Parkinson’s disease. No. Prostate surgery. No. Spinal injury?’
‘I think we’d have noticed.’
‘Yeah. Okay, how about some cures?’ she said, click-clicking.
‘Yes, please.’ Aidan was still suffering slight shock. A little high. What does a little high mean? How high does it have to be before your dick stops working?
‘Drugs. He’s tried them. They don’t work. Okay. “A mechanical vacuum device causes an erection by creating a partial vacuum, which draws blood into the penis.”’ She looked from the screen to Aidan. ‘Not ideal, is it?’
‘Not really, no.’
‘Oh, look, here’s a diagram. Jesus!’
‘I don’t want to see it! I don’t want to see it!’ Aidan put his hands over his eyes. It was at that point that Gerry walked in.
‘What the hell is that?’
‘A penis pump.’
‘Sorry I asked!’ He backed out, closing the door behind him.
‘It’s not for me!’ Aidan shouted after him.
‘Oh!’ Melissa said, making a face.
‘What?’ Aidan wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
‘“Many men achieve stronger erections by injecting drugs into the penis.”’
‘Oh, no. No. No.’
‘Okay, moving on. “Surgery can implant a device, reconstruct arteries or block off veins that allow blood to leak from the penis.”’
‘Poor Andrew!’ Aidan said. ‘Poor, poor Andrew.’
Aidan left Melissa’s with a heavy heart.
George answered the door in an apron.
‘I didn’t expect dinner,’ Harri said.
‘I was cooking anyway.’
‘Do you always eat after nine?’
‘If
I did, I wouldn’t be the perfect male specimen you see before you,’ he said, with smile.
‘Where’s Aidan?’
‘Off radar.’
‘Oh.’
She sat down at the kitchen table and it was only then that she remembered she’d hardly eaten all day – she’d been so wound up at lunchtime that the food had stuck in her throat.. He dished up chilli and opened a bottle of wine – something he said would complement it, but Harri was more interested in water: her brother was known for his fire-alarm chilli.
‘Well?’
‘I met the doctor,’ she said. ‘He was there at her grave.’
‘The doctor who found you,’ he clarified.
‘Yeah.’
‘Odd.’
‘Bloody odd. He knew me.’
‘What?’
‘He knew me. He knew I was looking for her and he called me by my name.’
‘Well, maybe Dad told him what he was calling you.’
‘But why would he remember and what was he doing there and why was he involved in the whole thing in the first place?’
‘I don’t know. Didn’t you ask him?’
‘I couldn’t. I froze. Actually, I thought I was going to have another stupid panic attack but he made me breathe with my head between my legs.’ She shook her head. ‘My head was between my legs.’
‘I think that’s the least of your worries. What did he say?’
‘Not much. As soon as I could breathe I ran. He called after me but I just wasn’t ready. I’d thought, I’ll go to Wicklow. I’ll look at a gravestone. How hard is that? I didn’t expect to have to deal with the living. The living have no business in graveyards.’ George nodded.
‘He called out that his name was McCabe and he was in the phone book and he’d love to see me again.’
‘You want me to come with you?’
‘I didn’t say I was going.’
‘You will.’
‘You have a new business to run.’
‘So we’ll go next Sunday.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Positive.’
‘Okay, but don’t tell Mum or Dad.’
‘I promise.’
After that they ate the chilli, and George talked about his business and the write-up the shop had received in the Independent. He spoke about Aidan and his inability to reach him. ‘He just needs a few days to cool off. It’ll be fine.’ He spoke about their parents. ‘I just can’t seem to get past it. I don’t know why.’
Harri talked about her concern for Susan. She had hoped that getting away from Andrew would strengthen her, but she seemed to be falling apart. ‘She cried herself to sleep last night.’
‘It’s early days.’
‘I know.’
‘What about you?’
‘Oh, I often cry myself to sleep.’ She grinned, but she was telling the truth. I wonder what James would make of Brendan McCabe.
Susan worked late. Her day had begun badly and was getting worse by the second. Delay after delay had occurred, leaving her in the middle of a room without silk wallpaper on one side, an unfinished kitchen, because the carpenter had walked out in a huff when the delivery men brought some wrong units, and four extra chairs that nobody would take responsibility for. She had called Aidan, hoping he’d help out with the wallpaper crisis, but he was odd on the phone, saying he had important business to attend to, business he couldn’t discuss. That was unusual for Aidan because Aidan would talk about anything. He had hung up before she could push him. If you want something done, Susan, do it yourself.
She finished papering at ten and spent another hour removing the boxing around the kitchen cabinets so that they would be ready to install. She left a message with the shop that if their delivery man wasn’t there to collect the chairs by ten a.m. she’d put a hold on her client’s credit card and burn them. She made it back to Harri’s for midnight.
Harri was drinking cocoa and watching another effing episode of CSI.
‘Oh, Harri!’
‘Sorry. Couldn’t sleep.’
‘I know the feeling,’ Susan said, slumping on the sofa.
‘Cocoa?’
‘No, thanks.’
‘Why didn’t you call me?’
‘Ah, it was fine. I got the job done. How did you know?’
‘Aidan rang. He said you needed help but when I called you’d turned your phone off.’
‘He was acting weird.’
‘He’s avoiding George.’
‘How did your job in Swords go?’ Susan asked.
‘Good. He’s a nice guy. He knows what he wants. He has good taste and a big budget.’
‘That’s what I like to hear.’ She smiled. ‘A few more clients like him and I’ll be out of your hair.’
‘I like having you here,’ Harri admitted.
‘Thank you.’ Susan’s eyes welled.
‘Have you heard from Beth?’
‘No.’
‘She’ll come around.’
‘I hope so.’ Susan wiped away a tear. ‘I really hope so.’
Harri went to bed soon afterwards, leaving Susan to her pull-out bed. She made a promise to herself to take her mum out to lunch. She couldn’t imagine causing her the pain she saw in her friend’s eyes.
26 September 1975 – Friday
Matthew’s not coming home. Henry said he got in a fight with some other boy and had all his privileges taken away. Henry said I shouldn’t cry, that he’s fine, but I know he’s not. Matthew’s not a fighter, he didn’t start it. It’s not fair. His stupid dad could have told them he wanted his son home but he didn’t. I hate him. Henry said Nero is missing him too. Dr B has been taking him out. Sometimes I ride with him on Betsy but Betsy’s seemed tired lately. I know how she feels. I tried to call him on the phone down town but they wouldn’t let me talk to him. It’s like he’s in jail. School isn’t supposed to be jail. Everything is wrong. I can’t sleep. I’ve had a headache for the past three days.
I forgot to lock my door last week. I never forget but somehow I did. I woke up and HE was on top of me with his hand over my face. I tried to scream but nothing would come out. It was like I was rendered dumb. I could hear myself screaming in my head but there was no sound. He was grabbing at me and trying to part my legs but I managed to cross them and I held them together, vice-like. He’d have had to break them. His hand slipped and I bit him as hard as I could and when he yelped my mother called out from her room asking who was there. I could hear her shuffling. So he slapped me and got off me and I heard the door close behind him. He’d taken the padlock that Matthew had installed so I asked Dr B for a loan because I was short of money, being back at school, paying for lunches and having to buy a stupid book I’d lost. I need to make the money last that I got working, and besides that, I wanted him to ask me what the money was for. I wanted to tell him. And he did ask and I did tell and he wouldn’t let me go home. He told me I was to stay with him in the gate lodge that night and that he would sort something out. He called Father Ryan and he came down just as Dr B was making us some tea. They went into the other room and I couldn’t hear what they were saying.
Afterwards Father Ryan said my allegation was very serious and asked me if I was aware that God was always watching. I told him if He was, and as Father Ryan had a direct line, he could just ask Him what happened. I was being cheeky but he didn’t respond. Instead he just nodded and said he would deal with it. He agreed it was best for me to stay in Dr B’s spare room that night but only if Minnie Jones his housekeeper stayed too. Minnie arrived after eight with a face on her. She had an early night and Dr B and I stayed up talking. He said I wouldn’t have to go back if I didn’t want to. I told him I had to go back. My mam needed to be taken care of. He said Father Ryan would talk sense into HIM and I laughed. Dr B and poor Father Ryan, they really think you can talk sense into someone like HIM! There’s n
o talking to someone like HIM. Dr B should just have given me the money for the new lock in the first place.
Father Ryan did talk to him and HE denied it and Father Ryan got a punch in the face for his trouble. HE said I was a lying little whore when I eventually did go home. Mam didn’t even seem to know what was going on. She was acting like it was just another stupid argument. Dr B called and HE threatened him but Dr B didn’t back down. He said he’d be watching and if he even suspected anything he’d call the guards, and if the guards did nothing he’d call some friends who didn’t care about the Church or the law and would smash his face in as soon as look at him. He was frightened. I could see it. He looked at me as though I was making everything up and he spat on me after Dr B had left.
Mam was in bed sleeping, but really I think she was just pretending to be asleep. She can’t handle any of this stuff. She’s not able for it. Dr B has bought me a new padlock and I’ll never forget to lock my door again.
I’ve been writing to Matthew and he’s been writing to me. I keep the letters folded in my diary and read and reread them and when I close my eyes I can hear his voice. In his last letter he was so excited about coming home. And now he can’t. He must be devastated. I wish I could see him. Ten months to go. Only ten months to go.
19 September
Liv,
Only one week to go. I can’t wait. I’ve been counting down the hours and the days and the minutes and the seconds and, well, you get the point. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you so much it’s worse than a kick to the balls. When I get home let’s go riding through the woods and we can have a picnic by the waterfall while the weather’s still good. Next month will be too cold. How’s school? How’s Sheila and Dave? Tell them I said hi. I’m studying and keeping to myself and living for the weekend. I’ve no news, never do, but I love you.
Love, Matt
PS Liv, I used to be lonely but I’m not any more.
20. Men will be men
Dinner started off well. The lamb was delicious and fell off the bone. Matt had brought a decent wine, one of his old friend’s favourites. Brendan didn’t broach the subject of his chance encounter until the dinner was long over and they were playing poker.
The Truth Will Out Page 23