by Jane Porter
He hadn’t spent four years missing her and picturing a future with her, a future that hopefully included more children and family trips and holidays and traditions, to let go so easily. It was a life he wanted with every bit of his being…but it had to be right. For both of them. Otherwise it wasn’t the family life either of them desired.
He didn’t want a resentful or anxious wife. He didn’t want to be the source of someone’s anger, or worry.
He was who he was, and he was trying damn hard to do things better, but he’d never do everything perfectly. He’d make mistakes. He’d be impulsive, using his heart before his head. But that was who he was. He wasn’t Troy. Or Brock. Dillon or Cormac. He was himself.
Not bad.
Just not perfect.
Which was why he was trying to think of her, and what she needed. McKenna had been through a lot in her life. They never talked about what happened at the Douglas Ranch that one night, but he’d read about it in the papers. The murders had been discussed in agonizing detail around town. Trey’s dad had been one of the first responders on the scene, as the Sheenan ranch lay close to the Douglas property, but he wouldn’t talk about what he’d seen at the Douglas ranch, other than the thing he’d said when he came home: it was the worst, most violent scene imaginable, and if God had any mercy at all, he’d let that one poor boy survive.
Trey glanced up from the snowshoes to McKenna, watching her whisper something playful into TJ’s ear and making TJ giggle.
She deserved to be happy.
They all deserved to be happy.
Which didn’t mean he was walking away from her, or giving up on her, or giving up on them.
It just meant they had to be mature, and patient. They had to talk, and listen, and get a hell of a lot better at communicating.
They nailed some parts of it. They were experts at hot sex. But now they needed to get good at the other things, working together to make sure their relationship would last. He wanted what his parents didn’t have. A happy marriage.
A true partnership.
And you only got that with respect, trust, faith, forgiveness.
*
McKenna had forgotten that when Trey was hurt he grew quiet. She’d forgotten that he wasn’t loud and out of control, but silent and thoughtful. Reserved.
He was certainly reserved now. He’d shut down, retreating to a chair in the corner where he sat doing manly chores and repairs, like weatherproof the old wooden snowshoes.
She wasn’t trying to ignore him, but she wasn’t going to struggle to fill the silence with meaningless small talk, either.
However, once TJ fell asleep on her lap, worn out from sledding and snowball fights and tramping around in the snow, the living room, silent except for the crackle and pop of the fire, felt uncomfortable.
Tomorrow was Christmas Eve. This wasn’t how she wanted Christmas to be.
She didn’t even know what had happened outside, earlier. Everything just seemed to shift and tilt and go wildly wrong.
She felt an ache as she watched Trey work, his dark head bent.
She wanted things different. She wanted them better. She wanted more with Trey, not less.
Not this.
Silence and anger and hurt.
Suddenly his head lifted and he looked up at her, his brow furrowed, expression shuttered. “If I didn’t want what was best for you, Mac, I’d be no man at all.”
“But who are you to decide what’s best for me?” she retorted defiantly. “Who are you to tell me what I need?”
“I know what you need. I’ve known you too long not to know. And for the record, I never said we’re finished, never said we’re through, because God as my witness, I will never ever walk away from you. I will always want you. I will always love you. And we might fight, and we might disagree, but that doesn’t mean I’m abandoning you. You’re my girl. But I’ve got to do right by you.”
“Then love me.”
“I do.”
“And don’t say we can’t make it work—”
“Never said that.”
“And don’t imply that you’re the wrong guy, or that there might be a better guy. Whether there is, or isn’t, is a moot point, because I want you. I choose you.” She drew an unsteady breath. “I love you.”
There was just silence for a moment, but it wasn’t the silence of before. This was soft and full…warm and hopeful.
“That’s why I climbed in the truck with you and TJ,” she added quietly. “I wasn’t being kidnapped. I wasn’t being forced anywhere. I wanted to go with you…I wanted to be with you. I’ve wanted to be with you since I was fifteen and thought you were my very own knight in tarnished armor.”
Creases fanned from his eyes. The corners of his mouth tilted. “Tarnished armor, hmm?”
She could see him back as they were in high school. She remembered how he’d avoided her all Fall of her freshman year, even though she knew he was aware of her. She knew he knew she was there. And she didn’t know why he kept his distance, but as the weeks passed, September to October, and then October to November, she didn’t want him to keep his distance. She wanted him close, talking to her, close, dancing with her, close, kissing her.
She just wanted him close.
She just wanted him. Not sexually—she wasn’t that mature, or precocious—but she craved his company and wanted to look into his blue eyes and see if she could see more, see deeper. She wanted to look until she was full, look until her heart was overflowing.
“I chose you a long time ago,” she added, voice dropping to a whisper. “And we’ve had some hard years. Now we just have to figure out how to make this work.”
*
They made love in the four poster log bed in the master bedroom, beneath the heavy handmade quilts, with the snow stacked on the windowsill, blocking out much of the moon light.
They’d waited years to come together, years to be one, and the lovemaking was slow and hushed, breath catching, lips touching, hands skimming. Trey took his time kissing her, kissing everywhere, enjoying the satin and silk of her skin, the warmth of her body, the curves that were uniquely hers. He breathed her in, the heat, the taste, the scent and he loved her so much, so deeply, that in some ways he didn’t know where he ended and she began.
She was that much a part of him and his heart.
For the first time in a long long time, McKenna felt completely safe. Completely at peace.
She was lying in the circle of Trey’s arms, her cheek against his chest. She could hear his heart. She could feel his strength, his power deceptive when he was relaxed.
He shifted, rolling her over onto her back to look down into her face. “I want to marry you,” he said. “I want TJ to have us, both of us together. A real family. He deserves that. We deserve that.”
“Are you proposing, Sheenan?”
His lips curved but his expression was fierce, intense. “We were engaged the last time I saw you.”
She swallowed, nodded. True. “I still have the ring. It’s at the bank, in a safe. I didn’t want anything to happen to it.”
“Speaking of rings, where is Lawrence’s? I haven’t seen you wear it since we left White Sulphur Springs.”
“It’s tucked away to return it to him once I’m back in Marietta.” She reached up to touch his cheek, her fingertips sliding over his cheekbone and then down along the hard chiseled jaw. “You know that I haven’t done this since you left, four years ago. There’s been no one but you. Ever.”
He frowned. “You and Lawrence…?”
She shook her head. “We agreed to wait until we were married. I think he thought I was virtuous. I wasn’t virtuous. I just wasn’t…eager. It was easy to wait.”
“How could you marry him then?”
“I was trying so hard to get over you. Trying so hard to build a life without you.” She gulped a breath. “Thank God you arrived when you did. If you hadn’t…” Her voice drifted away, her insides lurching. “It wouldn’t have been good
.”
“Then we need to make this good. We need to be good.” He turned his face into her hand, kissing her palm. “We can’t be hotheads anymore. Can’t be brash or impulsive.”
“You’re the impulsive one,” she countered. “You’re the one that leaps before looking.”
His lips curved. “Maybe.”
“Don’t be brash anymore. Don’t be stupid.”
“Ouch.” But he was smiling.
She smiled back, even as she wound her arms around his neck. “Be smart. Be safe. Be mine, forever.”
“I am, babe. Forever and ever.”
Chapter Fifteen
‡
TJ woke first. It was early, almost ungodly early as he shouted from the living room. “Santa came! Santa was here!”
McKenna quickly pulled her night shirt on and left the warm bed to shiver in the middle of the room. “Come on, Santa, you need to build a fire. I’ll get the coffee brewing.”
In the living room TJ was crouched by the Christmas tree studying the colorful packages that magically appeared in the night.
“Are any of these for me?” he asked, touching the gifts and trying to read names on the tags.
“I think most of them are for you,” she answered, smiling as she buttoned up the oversized Salish knit cardigan she’d turned into her robe. “Santa must think you’ve been a very good boy.”
“But someone wasn’t good,” TJ said, pointing to the row of stockings hanging from the stone fireplace. “One of them has black stuff in it.”
“Coal.”
TJ looked worried. “That’s bad.”
Yawning Trey entered the room and glanced up at the three stockings hanging from the stone mantle. Two red and green and cream stockings, and one green and white one. “Which is mine?” he asked.
“I hope you didn’t get the one with coal,” TJ said.
Trey glanced from the stockings to McKenna, an eyebrow rising. “Bad, huh?”
She shrugged. “It’s from Santa. He keeps the list, naughty and nice.” Then she crossed to his side, and leaned down to whisper. “Although last night I think you were both naughty and nice.”
His blue gaze warmed. “Very very nice.”
“Or, very very bad…”
“Which can also be nice.”
She blushed and kissed him before straightening. “I’m going to make coffee.
You guys build the fire and then we’ll have to see what Santa brought everyone.”
*
TJ loved his gifts, all of them, letting out delighted squeals every time he opened a new presents. He tore through the paper, destroying ribbons and careful wrap to crow with pleasure as he discovered the gift.
Boxes of Lego. The set of tin soldiers. A football. A Mine Craft backpack. Matchbox cars and a figure 8 track for the cars to race on.
TJ wanted to play with everything right away but then settled down with the tin soldiers, setting up two army camps on the floor by the tree.
McKenna went to make breakfast, eggs and hash brown and cinnamon coffee cake. She’d just slid the coffee cake into the oven when Trey came to the kitchen. “I have one more gift,” he said, holding out a small box with an enormous red bow. “I found it in a little art and crafts gallery in Cherry Lake. It reminded me of you.”
She put the pot holders down and took the little box with the huge crimson silk ribbon. It was so pretty. The ribbon itself was a work of art. “I don’t have anything else for you,” she said regretfully. “Just that Pendleton shirt I gave you earlier.”
“I like my shirt. I haven’t had a new shirt in a while.”
“I would have shopped more but I was using your money. It didn’t feel right buying you presents with your own money.”
“Now that’s not entirely true. You did give me something else. A very nice gift, full of tender loving thoughts.” His dark head inclined. “Thank you for that wonderful sock full of coal.”
She laughed, her expression mischievous. “I couldn’t help it. The stocking screamed your name.”
“I’m sure it did.” His lips were still quirked and then his smile faded but his expression was infinitely warm. “And this one, Mac, screamed yours.”
She tugged off the ribbon and removed the paper and lifted the lid. Inside the delicate tissue paper was a necklace. An angel hanging from a gold necklace.
And the angel looked like a miniature version of the angel ornaments she’d sold him all those years ago.
“You know what this looks like,” she said.
“The dozen brass angels I bought from you.”
“Yes.” She lifted the angel, studying it more closely, the chain sliding through her fingers. “Is this a sapphire?”
“A Montana sapphire.”
“I love it so much.” She leaned forward and kissed him, and kissed him again. “I love you so much.”
“I know you do.”
“We’re going to make this work, Trey. We’re going to get it right this time.”
“That’s the plan.”
“No craziness. Just family and work and love.” She smiled into his eyes. “Lots and lots of love.”
“Sounds perfect.” He took the necklace from her, opened the clasp, waiting while she lifted her long hair and then fastened it around her neck.
She turned back around to face him. “How does it look?” she asked, touching the angel which hit just at her breastbone.
“Beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
“My pleasure.” He hesitated. “Speaking of family and work and love…have you thought about where you want to live?”
She hesitated, her fingers rubbing across the angel and stone. “I would have thought you’d want to live on the Sheenan ranch.”
“But I know the idea of living on the ranch makes you nervous,” he said.
She said nothing, her gaze clinging to his.
“And yes, the ranch house is big enough. It has what? Five bedrooms? But it’s not the space that has you worried. It’s the fact that we’re so remote.”
“Yes.”
“I think TJ would love living on the ranch. The horses, the dogs. All the space to play.”
“I loved living on our ranch, until…” Her voice faded and she hung her head, rubbing the angel again, needing courage, and comfort. “But if it’s what you wanted for TJ, if it’s that important to you, we could try. I could…try.”
“But you’d be scared.”
She nodded.
“Even with me there,” he added.
She nodded again. “I’m sorry.”
He reached for her, drawing her against him, his hands looping low on her back. “Don’t be sorry. I don’t blame you for being frightened. If I were you, I’d be nervous, too.”
She exhaled slowly. This had been a sticking point for them, years ago. Trey had wanted to live on the ranch. She had wanted to live in town. He couldn’t run the ranch from town but she couldn’t imagine living so isolated. What if something bad happened again? What if…?
She swallowed hard. “My fear is irrational, I know that. And Sheenans are ranchers, I know that, too. But I really really don’t want to be way out there, especially if you’re not at the house, and let’s face it, you’ll be out working on the ranch, taking care of the cattle and the property, not hanging around the kitchen.”
“So we live in town.”
“And the ranch?”
“We’ll figure that out.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means the ranch isn’t half as important as you, and your peace of mind. Maybe Dillon will want to run it. Maybe I’ll sell it—”
“Trey, no!”
“I’ve lived without the ranch for the past four years, and I was fine. But I wasn’t fine living without you.” His gaze was steady, his expression somber as he reached up to move a loose tendril of hair from her brow. His fingers were gentle, his touch sure. “A job is a job, but family is forever.”
His tenderness made her ch
est ache. “And yet since I’ve met you, you’ve only wanted one thing—to run the Sheenan ranch one day.”
“Two things,” he corrected. “You and the ranch, but as I said, I didn’t burn and ache for the ranch at Deer Lodge, but honey, I burned and ached for you.”
*
They had a leisurely breakfast and then Trey and TJ washed up the dishes so McKenna could take a bath and sample some of the bubbles and body wash and scented shampoo Trey had filled her stocking with.
McKenna sighed with pleasure as she soaked in the hot tub, the vanilla and nutmeg scented bubbles tickling her chin.
It had been a great day…a great few days. Christmas this year had been so joyous…an absolute miracle.
She reached up to touch the angel on her necklace, her fingers rubbing at the gold figure holding the sapphire hearth.
Just as Trey was her miracle.
And her angel.
*
After McKenna’s bath it was TJ’s turn, and then he and Trey built one of his Lego sets and McKenna made an early lunch, serving the grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup with an apology for it not being more festive.
Neither of the boys seemed to mind but when Trey cleared the lunch dishes, bringing them into the kitchen, McKenna was already worrying about Christmas dinner. “What about tonight?” she asked. “I don’t have a roast or turkey, nothing special for a proper Christmas dinner. Do you think there is anything open today…we could buy something, or make reservations somewhere?”
“We don’t need anything fancy,” Trey answered, scraping the plates and rinsing the soup bowls. “TJ doesn’t care about what we eat, and trust me, I’m not picky, either.”
“But it’s Christmas. Christmas should be extra special. Food, festivities, family.”
He turned off the water, faced her. “We could go back to Marietta. If we leave in the next hour we’d be able to join everyone gathering at Brock and Harley’s for Christmas dinner. They’re hosting the family this year. Most of the Sheenans will be there…Troy and Taylor. Dillon. Possibly Cormac, but with Daisy he’s not a given.”
“Can we do that? Just show up uninvited?”
“I’m a Sheenan. I’m always invited, and there will be plenty to eat. Apparently Harley’s from a big Dutch family and always cooks enough to feed an army.” He reached for her, pulling her against him. “But we don’t have to go. It’s only if you want to. I don’t want there to be any pressure or worries on Christmas Day.”