by Adrian Beck
‘WHOA! AUUGH! OOOF!’
They fell in a heap. Grade Five were all piled on top of each other. And just at that moment, the flash went off.
CLICK!
‘Mr Jaaaackson!’ roared Highpants, from somewhere in the middle of jumbled bodies.
UH-OH!
But this was all the wonky platform’s fault! CJ was certain he wouldn’t get in any real trouble for this one.
CJ spent his whole lunch break in detention. At least he was able to pass the time by bopping along to the drumbeats that were spilling out of Highpants’ headphones, who was listening to music at his desk while he marked assignments. As CJ watched his teacher work, it occurred to him that Highpants must go through a LOT of red pens.
However, CJ’s mood began to darken again the moment he spotted some of his teammates playing outside the classroom window. He couldn’t help but continue to cast a suspicious eye over them all, even Benji. Maybe he’d need to interrogate each suspect at training on Wednesday. Thankfully with CJ and Charlotte’s brains combined they almost had TWO WHOLE BRAINS on the case.
Someone was sure to CRACK.
On Wednesday arvo, CJ couldn’t wait to get to training and try out his mum’s football boots. But as he jogged up the hill to the pitch he stopped dead in his tracks …
‘What the –’
Highpants was already there, in the centre of the field. For the first time ever, their teacher and coach, Highpants, was wearing jeans. That’s right, actual DENIM. And they were hanging LOW. Plus, it looked like he had bling round his neck. WEIRDEST LOOK EVER.
But if that wasn’t enough, the music teacher, Miss Harmon, was beside Highpants. Normally she wore long floral dresses, with her hair in a perfect bob and sung songs about rainbows and unicorns. Today she wore a cap backwards with tufts of hair sticking out the sides and oversized sunglasses that featured dollar signs. She was standing behind a deck of turntables and dramatically hit a button.
The drumbeat kicked in. Both teachers closed their eyes as they grooved.
‘Yo!’ hollered Highpants, as Benji and a few other Jets arrived on the pitch. ‘Word! I’m thinkin’ you kids aren’t feeling the love from the sideline songs I’ve been laying down this season. M’right?’
Highpants seemed to be attempting an American accent. Either that or he had a swollen tongue.
‘Sorry, everyone. I’m thirty-seven seconds late,’ said Charlotte, struggling up the hill with a string bag of extra footballs. CJ gave her a hand. Benji gave her a wide berth.
‘You haven’t missed much,’ said CJ, pointing to Highpants.
‘Ya’ll gather round, Homers!’
‘Homies!’ Miss Harmon corrected Highpants. ‘I think!’
‘Homies! Cos today I’m speaking at you on your level. Got to get through to your little minds,’ said Highpants, tapping the side of his bald head.
Alongside Charlotte, Lexi – who pretty much treated the Grade Five iPad as her own – started filming for her YouTube channel. Turns out Lexi’s football updates got double the hits of her other posts. She reckoned that was because she was being so much more ‘real’. Well, now it was time to capture the football team’s real disgust.
Baldock, Jindaberg Primary’s gardener, was attending to the cherry blossom tree near the playground as Highpants began his rap debut. Everyone knew him as Baldock, but CJ had no idea if that was his first name or his last. He was a big, round old bloke – unshaven and dirty, with dark lines around his eyes. He smelt almost as bad as his dog, Garlic, but despite this the only words CJ had ever heard Baldock croak out were, ‘STINKY KIDS.’ He wasn’t the cheeriest of chaps.
As the music blared out across the grounds Baldock cringed and covered his ears with his huge, filthy hands. Garlic, on the other hand, jumped about and howled along to the music. It was all getting too much for Baldock. He flung his arms in the air, gesturing for Highpants to pull the plug. No luck.
CJ began to wonder if he was as stinky as Baldock. The problem was that if CJ didn’t wash his hair for a month, it would stay positioned just the way he liked it. And he didn’t want to give that up.
Highpants began his rap. ‘THE JETS, YO! WE’RE THE BEST, YO! WE PLAY WITH YO-YOS!’
‘Freestyling isn’t his thing,’ laughed Benji.
‘I LIKE TALKIN’ HISTORY, SO IT’S NO MYSTERY, THAT THE JETS DO THIS TO ME …’
Highpants mimed his mind being blown.
‘… WHEN THEY GET ON THE GRASS!’
Lexi gave the iPad camera a baffled look.
‘SO WATCH OUT PRETENDERS, YOU’LL NEVER BEND US, WHEREVER THEY SEND US, YOU CAN KISS MY -’
FZZZT! KLUNK!
Baldock had pulled a lever inside the power box that was mounted on the side of the clubrooms. He’d cut the power. The Jets cheered.
‘Well, besties, ciao for now. That’s just another crazy day playing for the Jets! See ya!’ said Lexi, blowing a kiss into her iPad as she finished her recording.
‘Hang on,’ said Charlotte, taking the iPad from Lexi. ‘When did you start recording your Jets videos?’
‘After our first game of the year. It was super exciting in the clubrooms. I had so much to say that I think I was the last to leave!’
CJ noticed Benji move further away from Charlotte. His cap was pulled down and it was weird to see him without his cheeky grin.
‘Did you hear that, CJ?’ asked Charlotte.
‘Um, sweet,’ said CJ. He wasn’t sure why Charlotte was so interested in Lexi’s videos all of a sudden. The Jets were meant to be getting stuck into training, which Charlotte had been talking about NON STOP since their last training session.
‘Let’s do this!’ said CJ, kicking a football to himself. But Charlotte stayed put.
‘You mean, you recorded footage from after the game?’ asked Charlotte.
‘Uh-huh,’ Lexi said. ‘Three thousand likes and counting.’
‘Could we see that footage?’ asked Charlotte.
Lexi tapped the iPad, selecting the video files folder. Hundreds of icons appeared. Every file had a different background, but each showed Lexi smiling her killer smile.
Charlotte took CJ aside, ‘CJ, do you know what this means?’
CJ shrugged. ‘Probably not.’
‘We may have footage of the boot thief,’ exclaimed Charlotte, grabbing CJ’s hands. ‘We’re about to discover who stole your magic boots!’
CJ’s eyes went wide. The mystery was about to be SOLVED!
Highpants was clearly miffed that Baldock ruined his rap. But no-one messed with Baldock. Instead, Highpants put down his mic and called all the Jets together. It was hard to tell if he was more SWEATY OR ANGRY.
‘Highpants is about to go ballistic. Let’s check the iPad footage straight after training,’ said Charlotte to CJ. ‘We’ll find the boot thief, but right now we’ve got to be co-captains and focus on the team.’
‘Children, children, children,’ sneered Highpants, pulling up his low hanging jeans and accidently exposing his My Little Pony socks. ‘So far your season has been disappointing … to say the least. Despite all my efforts, you have not won a single game.’
‘We just need to get serious. In my heart of hearts I know we can do better,’ agreed Charlotte.
Benji nudged CJ. They both cracked up laughing. Charlotte glared at them. Benji looked away, muffling his mouth. CJ felt he should explain. ‘Sorry. It’s just that it sounded like you said “heart of farts”.’
Charlotte grit her teeth. ‘Heart … Of … Hearts.’
Highpants loomed over them. ‘Here’s a tip, lads. If you don’t take yourself seriously, no-one else will.’
Then Benji spoke up to Highpants, which almost never happened. ‘Hang on. Isn’t football meant to be fun?’
Highpants GLARED. CJ looked to Charlotte. In fact all the Jets looked to Charlotte, wondering who she was going to side with.
Charlotte glanced back at them all. ‘I agree with the coach. Let’s get serious.’
&
nbsp; Highpants grinned. His teeth seemed somehow brighter than his fake bling.
The Jets dragged their feet as they dumped their bags in the clubrooms then returned to the pitch for some drills. CJ got everyone to split up in to smaller groups for dribbling practice. Benji seemed to be getting better every day. He could kick on both sides, plus he was light on his feet, able to keep upright when the ball was being contested. All those years as the Jets mascot, where he would perform amazing gymnastics moves, were now paying off. Benji was BEAMING with delight. Except when Highpants came over to check on their progress. Benji immediately got nervous and started stuffing up.
‘Focus, Benji!’ said Highpants.
CJ glanced around at his teammates. Any one of them could be the boot thief. Pretending he was practising making a wall to block a free kick in defence, CJ took the opportunity to gather all his teammates at the top of the square. He created a good old-fashioned line-up of suspects, just like in the movies.
CJ took his time walking from one end of the line to the other. Every so often he slowed to get right up in one of his teammate’s faces, but he regretted getting so close to the Paulveriser when the big guy let out a deafening BUUUUUUURP!
Charlotte stepped out from the line-up to stand beside CJ. She looked like she was about to suggest another drill when CJ addressed the group. ‘You know where I think we’re going wrong, Jets?’
‘Where, CJ? Do tell,’ said Saanvi, arms crossed.
‘No trust.’
‘Is this necessary?’ whispered Charlotte. ‘We have the iPad footage.’
CJ searched their faces. He wanted to give the thief an opportunity to confess, but he didn’t want to get into the whole ‘I used to have magic boots’ thing.
‘We’re meant to be a team, after all! But one of you has let me down. Whoever you are, I hope you understand what I’m imploding.’
‘Imploding? Sure you don’t mean implying?’ suggested Charlotte.
‘Both,’ said CJ, trying to look tough. No-one confessed. Most looked confused or offended, or both.
Charlotte quickly suggested they practise the Jets’ latest set play – STINKY NAPPY. She sent CJ off to the clubrooms to grab some witches hats. While they waited CJ noticed her handing everyone seven sheets of paper stapled together. She called it a FUN FOOTBALL QUIZ! But the Paulveriser perfectly summed up the mood of the team.
‘This SUCKS!’ he declared, with an upturned lip.
Once inside the clubrooms, CJ spotted the iPad sticking out of Lexi’s bag. He scrolled through all the files until he found the video he needed. He hit PLAY. Lexi banged on about the first game of the season. She was standing in the middle of the room, but over her shoulder CJ saw himself. He was spraying a sports drink over Benji. HILARIOUS! As Lexi talked and talked and then talked some more, including detailing the various stages her hair went through during the match, CJ kept his eyes on the background. The magic boots remained resting against his sports bag.
Plenty of players walked through the shot. A few even danced. Saanvi, Antonio, May, the Paulveriser, Charlotte and a whole heap more. He just had to wait till one of them grabbed the shoes. It went on and on. People started to leave. CJ got bored. He pressed fast-forward. No-one was stealing the magic boots. Then he saw himself grabbing his bag and leaving the clubrooms with Charlotte. HE’D LEFT THE BOOTS BEHIND!
On screen, Lexi kept talking to the camera as she followed the others out of the clubrooms. She was the last to leave. Her video clip continued all the way home, till she reached her house.
CJ sighed. There was NO FOOTAGE of a thief in action. He’d left his magic boots behind, but where were they now? He’d already checked Principal Swift’s lost property box.
He double-checked that the boots weren’t under the bench. They weren’t in the locker either. So, whoever took his boots did it after the Jets had left that day. CJ’s tummy flipped. Maybe he was wrong to suspect his teammates after all?
Then he heard Charlotte calling. ‘CJ, stop messing around! We need you out here!’
CJ gave up on the iPad, grabbed the witches hats and bolted out the door. As he ran through the exit, he almost collided with Baldock who was pruning some hedges.
‘Stinky kid,’ muttered Baldock, as Garlic jumped up onto CJ for a pat.
‘Not now, mate.’
After training everyone started packing up their stuff in the clubrooms, but Highpants called CJ and Charlotte outside for a chat. CJ felt the wet grass ooze up through his football socks. He’d taken off his mother’s boots because the tissue paper solution wasn’t as comfortable as he’d remembered.
‘I’m sure I don’t have to remind you, but Saturday’s game occurs during the school fete.’
Charlotte nodded. ‘I know, I’m making biscotti for the cake stall.’
‘Me too,’ said CJ, lying. He’d forgotten all about the fete, and wasn’t quite sure what biscotti was.
‘The Jets football team will be on show,’ said Highpants, as CJ and Charlotte waved off Lexi, Saanvi, Fahad and the other Jets as they left the pitch. None of them seemed all that cheery to their co-captains. Plus, it appeared CJ’s arch rival, Lenny, had arrived to meet the Paulveriser, as they were both walking past too. Behind Highpants, Lenny lunged in CJ’s direction and made a silent RARR! CJ didn’t budge.
‘Are you paying attention, Mr Jackson? The whole suburb will be watching this Saturday, so you and your prankster pal better be one hundred per cent focused or else,’ warned Highpants, locking eyes with CJ for an uncomfortably long time before turning to help Miss Harmon pack up the turntables.
SNIFF.
‘Eww, stinky.’ Charlotte looked down and noticed CJ was shoeless. ‘Oh no! We forgot to check Lexi’s video.’
‘Nope. I checked it myself.’
‘Oh, great. And?’
‘And the video makes it pretty clear, I left my magic boots behind in the clubrooms after our first game. Every Jet left the room empty-handed. So it’s possible that it wasn’t a teammate who stole my boots after all.’
Charlotte screwed up her forehead. ‘I’m kind of relieved, but that doesn’t really help us. I mean, who goes into the clubrooms apart from us?’
Just then, CJ and Charlotte both noticed Baldock, limping over to the clubroom doors jingling his big set of school keys.
‘Wow, I’m a genius! I think I’ve solved it,’ said CJ. ‘By a pretty clever process of illumination.’
‘Elimination.’
‘It has to be Baldock. He locks up the rooms. He must have seen my boots and stolen them.’
‘But why?’
‘Dunno. Souvenir from a legend?’ CJ pointed to himself.
‘He probably turfed them out because of their rancid smell.’
CJ leaned forward to sniff the air above his socks. Yep. A little ripe. Maybe Charlotte was right. Then it occurred to him that he’d left his mum’s boots inside the clubrooms, right now. UNPROTECTED. ‘Whatever the reason, Baldock’s about to steal another pair!’
‘Go!’ yelled Charlotte.
CJ bolted over to the clubrooms, ‘Freeze, Baldock!’ His mind was fixed on his mum’s boots rather than just how scary Baldock was. ‘Stay away from my mum’s football boots!’
‘Stop right there!’ cried CJ, arriving at the clubroom doors just as Baldock was about to shuffle inside.
Baldock grunted, as if to say ‘cool it, kid,’ but CJ pushed past him and got inside. He jumped up on the bench with his palms raised trying to freeze the moment.
‘Don’t move an inch, boot thief!’
Baldock ignored him and started turning off the lights.
‘I said STOP!’
Baldock paused. He grumbled to himself and shook his head.
‘I’m onto you,’ said CJ, turning to point to where he’d left his stuff. ‘I’m not going to fall for this twice. I know you’ve come in here to steal my boots.’
‘What boots?’ asked Charlotte from the doorway.
Huh? CJ glanced down at the benc
h. She was right. There were NO BOOTS. CJ’s bag was open, lying on its side, and the boots were already gone.
‘But? Wha? Um.’ CJ wasn’t making much sense as he jumped down and double-checked that his mum’s boots were definitely missing.
Charlotte ran over and looked under the bench. Then she opened all the lockers. She also jumped up to glance along the top of the lockers where the windows met the ceiling. She even peered into the rubbish bin. No boots anywhere.
KLUNK! KLUNK! Baldock thumped his key change into the lights’ switch. He stared at CJ and Charlotte.
‘He wants to lock up,’ said CJ.
‘Lucky that’s all he wants,’ replied Charlotte. ‘After your accusations.’
CJ and Charlotte grabbed their bags. They hurried out of the clubrooms as Baldock started flicking off the last couple of lights.
A second later, CJ poked his head back in, ‘Um, sorry!’
Baldock grunted. CJ zipped out of there.
Outside, Charlotte suggested they scan their surroundings for clues. She checked the Captain Jindaberg statue.
‘Nothing.’
CJ shook the cherry blossom tree. ‘Still nothing!’
Charlotte gave the playground a once over. ‘More nothing!’
CJ even ventured into the chicken coop. The featherless chicken EYED HIM OFF. The others waddled towards him. Even though he took a quick look he was pretty sure none of them were using his mum’s old boots as a nest. Of course, doing so would’ve required a rather uniquely shaped butt.
‘Big fat zero,’ said CJ. ‘Normal butt chickens.’
‘What?’
‘Don’t worry.’
Charlotte explained that she’d scheduled herself to finish some maths homework, put out the bins and repair her brother’s BMX before she cooked dinner for the family. CJ’s schedule wasn’t quite as full, but they got moving regardless.
Garlic bounded up to them at the school gate. CJ gave the scruffy dog a big pat. ‘You seriously reckon my socks smell worse than this guy.’