Jessica muttered a quick goodnight. Nathan, however, simply nodded in his direction and kept walking.
NINETEEN
Christmas came and went, and before Jessica knew it, the New Year crept in. She spent the first day of January back in Houston with her family. A cloud of grief still hung over the group, and the usual cheerful exchanges did not take place. No countdowns. No parties. No celebrations. Instead, the day passed uneventfully. Even Nathan seemed oddly distracted. His quietness concerned her, and she tried to use her most cheerful tone when they talked, but something just felt…
Off.
That’s the only word Jessica could use to describe how things were going. In spite of their earlier conversations, in spite of her attempts to make everything better. She tried to put her feelings of anxiety to rest, but they would not be quieted. In her heart, Jessica knew that something had changed, though she could not bring herself to voice the words. Instead, she tried to reason with herself. I can make this work. I just have to stay focused.
But staying focused wasn’t easy, especially in this somber crowd. Jessica tried to serve as the cheerful one, often attempting to shift the conversation in lighter directions, but they would not be moved. Her mother melted into a pool of tears on several occasions and Buck sat silently in the recliner, watching a muted television screen. Andrew made himself at home in the kitchen, fixing snacks and offering food to anyone who ventured near. Kent stayed gone. A lot.
Jessica couldn’t force herself to leave, though, in her heart, she already longed to be back in Dallas, where a new season of music would soon kick off. Both the children’s chorus and the adult company would dive right into auditions for spring productions and the anticipation was almost overwhelming. Every time she thought about her life apart from her family, she felt guilty. Every time she thought about leaving Dallas in three months and giving up her dreams, she felt even worse. How could she pretend nothing had changed when everything had shifted into neutral?
For days, she swung between lethargy and bouts of nervous energy. Some mornings, she could hardly pull herself out of bed. Other days, she spent countless hours in a cleaning frenzy, doing everything she could to help her mother. She washed draperies, swept corners and ironed shirt collars. And yet nothing seemed to bring a sense of relief. In her heart, Jessica truly longed to be home. With her children.
Nathan didn’t seem to notice much change in her behavior. He spent a portion of the holidays with his family and in the days prior to her leaving, seemed consumed with signing up for more classes at the college. In all, they barely had more than a day or two together. No time for wedding planning whatsoever, though the list continued to grow.
Jessica drove back to Dallas on a Sunday evening, the second weekend in January. As she pulled out of the Houston area, her spirits lifted immediately. Her excitement grew by the mile as she contemplated all that awaited her back home. Just three short months left before her internship would come to an end. Jessica knew she must take advantage of the time. God, thank You so much for giving me this opportunity. It’s been the most awesome experience of my life. Tears flowed down her face and joy consumed her.
Joy, mixed with sorrow. What will I do when it’s over?
Of course, she knew what she would do. She would become Mrs. Nathan Fisher and he would make her the happiest woman on the planet.
Happy. When she contemplated the word, Jessica felt an emptiness she had never known. If this is happiness, why don’t I feel…
Happy?
Jessica sighed then allowed herself to think about her musical plans once again. The adult company would be performing a Gershwin review for Valentine’s Day, and their springtime production of The Bartered Bride was sure to be amazing. And the children’s chorus was growing – by five. She and Colin had been given permission to audition some new voices for the group, and she could hardly wait to look over the resumes.
Colin.
For some reason, Jessica couldn’t stop thinking about him, and always with a smile on her face. He was one of the greatest men she’d ever known and so awesome with the kids. Guilt immediately consumed her, though she wasn’t sure why. He seemed to know her better than almost anyone – except her grandmother, of course. He knew what kind of music she loved. He knew her favorite colors. He understood her passion for music and even shared her love for the children.
In short, everything about him brought a smile to her face, though that smile was always followed by an overwhelming sense of guilt. Jessica attempted to push all thoughts of Colin from her mind, knowing they were a distraction from the wedding plans. She should be thinking about the wedding cake they were going to order next weekend. And she needed to make a final decision about her bridal bouquet.
And so she continually forced her attentions to the wedding. With only four months left till the big day, Jessica knew she must hurry.
I don’t want to hurry. I want everything to slow down.
Then the tears started once again.
***
Colin pushed the fork around in the piece of chocolate turtle cheesecake, leaving an artistic imprint. He pulled the utensil back to examine his work. Not bad.
“Are you okay?” He looked up as Katie spoke. From across the table, he could see the concern in her eyes.
“I, uh… I’m fine.” He dropped the fork down onto the table with a clink.
“It’s New Years,” she said. “A time for celebrating. A time for happiness.”
‘I’m happy.”
“Right.” She took a little nibble of chocolate before continuing. “You just seem a little quiet tonight. Something on your mind?”
Yes. I can’t stop thinking about Jessica, can’t stop worrying about her, wondering how things are going in Houston without me. Can’t deny that I think she’s wasting her time on that fiancé of hers. Can’t help wondering why you don’t wipe that smudge of chocolate off your right cheek.
“Colin?”
“I’m sorry, Katie. I really am.” He shook his head in defeat. “I’m afraid I’m not very good company.”
“You’re unusually quiet.” She wiped at her cheek with a heavy cloth napkin. “But I don’t really mind. Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“To be honest. . .” How much should I tell her? “I have a lot on my mind.”
“About us?” Her hopeful eyes locked in on his.
“Us?” How can she call us, us? We’ve only been on a couple of dates – both initiated by her – and I’ve certainly never done anything to… Stop it. Of course she thinks we’re a couple. I’ve never had the courage to tell her what I really think – that this is a waste of time. That Ida was right. That I shouldn’t…
“Colin?”
“I’m okay. I promise. I’m just a little distracted tonight. I think maybe I’m coming down with something. To be honest, I haven’t felt well for days now.”
“You do look a little pale.” Katie reached up to feel his forehead. “Nope. Not hot.”
“I don’t have a clue what’s wrong with me.” He sighed and pushed his chair back from the table. “Something just feels off tonight.”
“Maybe I should go.”
He looked up from his plate with a shrug. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” You’re such a coward, Colin. “Do you need a ride home?”
“No. I’ve got my car, remember?” She jangled her keys in his face and he fought the impulse to be irritated at the little clinking noise they made.
“Right.”
“Well -” She stood and reached for her purse. “I can tell you’re not exactly yourself tonight. I’ll just give you a call tomorrow.”
“Okay. Sorry, Katie.”
She left the restaurant with a dazed expression on her face and Colin sat in silence to finish his cup of coffee. He tried to think about the upcoming auditions, tried to force his thoughts to the children. But all he could think about—all he wanted to focus on—was Jessica.
Guilt consumed him eve
ry time he remembered. She’s not mine. She’s going to be another man’s wife. Then, just as quickly, the guilt was overshadowed by a tremendous sense of loss. Sorrow. She would be leaving in three short months. Why do I feel so empty every time I think about losing her?
For the children’s sake, of course. They would miss her. They adored everything about Jessica. And why not? She had been sent from heaven to head up this program. For a season, anyway.
Colin took a sip of the coffee. Now lukewarm, it hardly brought him any satisfaction. He reflected on the fact that the children weren’t the only ones who had gained an ally in Jessica Chapman. In his heart, he had grown attached, as well. He had lost something that was never even his in the first place. If only he could keep his mind on the music and just forget about her…
Suddenly Colin remembered something his mother had said many months ago. How had she put it, again? Ah yes. “It’s time you settled down. Found yourself a wife. Had a few kids. I mean, the opera is a good thing, but there’s certainly more to life than music. It’s one thing to follow your dreams, another to give up your personal life.”
Colin shoved the fork into the piece of cheesecake and stood to leave.
TWENTY
On the night of February fourteenth, the Dallas Metropolitan Opera hosted a special evening of love songs – a tribute to George Gershwin. Just before the show, Jessica fought against her emotions as she dressed. Nothing seemed to be going right tonight, though she couldn’t put her finger on why. As she struggled with the red bowtie, she argued with herself. Get it together, Jessica. What’s wrong with you?
In her heart, however, she knew. Something in the Gershwin tunes had struck a chord. Love – the kind she had been singing about – didn’t exist. At least, not between herself and Nathan.
“But love isn’t really just about feelings,” she whispered, as she twisted the bowtie into a knot. Still, she wished for a few feelings right now, especially since she had received the news Nathan wouldn’t be able to join her tonight. Valentine’s Day without my Valentine.
Somehow, it didn’t hurt as much as she thought it would and that worried her. They should be missing each other more. Shouldn’t they? And why didn’t the words of the love songs make her think of him?
Jessica stepped back to have a look in the mirror. Her black dress pants, white tuxedo shirt and shiny bowtie made her feel like more like a penguin than a vocalist. However, when Katie appeared at the door of the costume room dressed in the same attire, Jessica felt a little more comfortable.
“Are you ready? Snyder’s a little snippy tonight.” Katie’s flushed cheeks shone with excitement.
“I’ll be right there.” Jessica dabbed on a bit of lipstick and examined herself in the mirror. “I guess this will have to do.” She scurried across the backstage area and into the rehearsal room, where fellow vocalists sat, preparing for a final run-through of tonight’s songs. As she entered the room, she couldn’t help but notice Colin’s eyes. They sparkled as he turned to face her.
“You look great,” he whispered.
She chuckled. “We all look just alike.”
“No. Not you. You always stand out above the others.”
“Maybe it’s the red hair,” she acknowledged with a smile.
“Nope. Not that. Although you do have beautiful hair. I think it’s something else, something that comes from way down deep inside you. You’re beautiful from the inside out.”
Jessica marveled at the joy in his eyes. The depth. The caring. “You flatter me, Mr. Phillips.”
“You make it easy, Ms. Chapman.”
She felt her cheeks flush and quickly moved to take a seat in the front row, amidst other sopranos. Colin took his place in the third row. For some reason, Jessica’s heart fluttered as he moved away. Something undeniable seemed to be stirring. I don’t get these same feelings around Nathan. Maybe I never did. Lord, what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with my fiancé?
As she took her seat and began the warm-ups, Jessica tried to focus her attentions on her wedding vows, which still needed to be written. Somehow, every time she rehearsed them in her mind, they came out sounding like Gershwin tunes. I can’t even think straight anymore.
The music began and Jessica’s heart began to twist inside out. I’m just lonely because Nathan’s not here. I’m missing him. But in her heart, she knew this wasn’t true. Jessica finally began to acknowledge what she had probably known for some time now. She glanced across the room at Colin. The speed of her heartbeat nearly doubled and she had to voice the inevitable. “I care about Colin,” she whispered. “As more than just a friend.”
The words nearly knocked her out of her chair.
***
All throughout the rehearsal, Colin fought a rapid heartbeat. He felt physically ill, though he couldn’t quite figure out why. Probably just nerves. But he never got nervous, not like this, anyway. Why tonight? He joined the others as they traveled from the rehearsal room to the stage entrance. From here, he could hear the people in the auditorium and could almost envision their face.
Almost. Funny. The only face he could seem to see with any clarity was Jessica’s. Her smile. Her whimsical pout. Her freckles. Her rich red hair.
Colin traipsed behind the others to enter the stage. He took his place on the third row of the risers and waited for the curtain to rise. He had looked forward to tonight’s performance above almost any other. The Gershwin music seemed to speak to him, perhaps even more so than the traditional classical music he had always loved. In his heart, he knew why. These songs voiced the very thing he had been afraid to speak.
Love.
What a wonderful, terrifying word. Love for a woman. Colin gasped as the revelation hit him like a freight train coming around the bend. The one thing he had been trying to avoid for months now seemed inevitable and it very nearly knocked the breath right out of him. He had fallen in love with Jessica Chapman, and he must tell her.
He would die if he didn’t.
From upstage right, Colin struggled to get Jessica’s attention. “I’ve got to talk to her, or I’m going to explode,” he whispered as the music swelled. Father, if what I’m feeling, if what know in my heart to be true, is wrong, then stop me. Please. Settle these emotions, Lord.
As they sang the familiar love songs, Colin watched the most beautiful woman in the world out of the corner of his eye. She stood out above the others, and he had voiced it well a little earlier. It wasn’t just her outer beauty, though she was prettier than the other girls here. There really was something about Jessica – something that went all the way to the core.
Colin recognized her spiritual depth, that which gave her true beauty. She was truly the most amazing woman he had ever met. Probably the most amazing he would ever meet. I don’t deserve her.
Oh, but I want her. And I want her to want me. He struggled with his feelings as the love songs continued. When his solo, “Love Walked In,” began, Colin fought to swallow the lump that had grown in his throat. Love had walked into his life, and he could deny it no longer. He would deny it no longer. The words spoke more truth than he had ever been willing to face. He felt the depth of their words as they tumbled out of his mouth: “Love walked right in and drove the shadows away. Love walked right in and brought my sunniest day. One magic moment and my heart seemed to know that love said ‘Hello’ though not a word was spoken.”
I did know. I knew the minute I laid eyes on her. I knew that day back in Houston when she walked on that stage. Love walked into my life and changed everything. How could I have been so blind not to see what was in front of me all the time? Didn’t I want to see? Guilt immediately seized him, and Colin begged the Lord to forgive him for these feelings.
And yet he didn’t want them to end.
Colin looked her way as his song ended and her beautiful solo began. Clearly, Jessica favored her song above all others. “Someone to Watch Over Me,” seemed to suit her—not just vocally, but in all other ways, too. Snyder had
chosen Jessica to sing the beautiful female solo and she did it justice like no one else could have. When she began the melancholy piece, the audience responded with cheers and whistles.
“There’s a saying old, says that love is blind.” She sang with her eyes closed. “Still we’re often told, ‘seek and ye shall find.’ So I’m going to seek a certain lad I’ve had in mind.” Her eyes remained closed and Colin silently willed her to open them, to see the desperation in his own eyes.
I’m that lad, Jessica. I’m the one you’ve been looking for.
As she continued on, he suddenly felt nauseous. Running from the stage seemed to be his best option. Instead, he drew in deep, calculated breaths and tried to focus. Her eyes finally locked in on his as she reached the chorus of the song. Is it just a coincidence? She’s supposed to be facing stage left, not stage right.
Tears shimmered in her eyes as she sang – not to anyone else in the auditorium. Only to him. “There’s a somebody I’m longing to see. I hope that he turns out to be someone who’ll watch over me.” She sang the words and his heart leapt into his throat.
His eyes spoke a thousand words from across the stage. I’m that somebody, Jessica. I want to be the one to watch over you. You’ll never have to be alone. But, then again, she wasn’t alone. Nathan, her fiancé, provided an ever-present reminder. If he’s so in love with her, why isn’t he here tonight? It’s Valentine’s Day, for Pete’s sake. He should be here. Oh, but I’m so glad he’s not here. If he had come…
None of this would be happening.
Jessica continued to sing and Colin found himself caught up in watching her – so much so that he almost forgot to join in on the chorus. This is reaching a crazy point. I’ve got to do something, say something. I can’t wait any longer. My heart can’t take much more of this.
When the song ended, he managed to get her attention and mouthed the words, “I need to talk to you.” She nodded with a mixture of terror and curiosity etched on her beautiful face.
Love at Center Stage: Three Theatrical Love Stories Page 29