by Cat Johnson
“Thanks, honey. I’ll run up and get the other one.”
There was more? He set the suitcase back down on the floor with a thud. “Mom, wait. I’ll get that one too.”
She continued up the stairs. “No need. It’s much smaller.”
He somehow doubted that. With a sigh, Luke set off up the stairs. He stumbled to a stop in the room his mother and father had shared for as long as he could remember. There were piles of clothes everywhere. Yet at closer look, the chaos appeared to be laid out in orderly groupings.
His mother noticed his gaze moving from one towering mountain of clothing to another. She pointed to one. “That pile on the bed is things that will fit you and that you might get some use out of. The pile on the floor is things that are just too worn out so that’s all for the garbage. And that pile on the desk isn’t in good enough shape to sell at the church sale, but we can drop it off at the men’s shelter next time one of us is going out that way.”
Luke drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “All right. I’ll get some big trash bags to put the garbage and donations in.”
She turned and whipped out a wad of black plastic from somewhere behind her. “No need. I’ve got them. I’ll bring the stuff on the bed to your room if you want. That way you can go through it and put it away when you have time.”
Time wasn’t the issue. His inability to move on was though.
“All right. Just let me load the truck with the two bags for church.”
“Thanks, honey.” She grabbed his father’s old flannel shirt from the top of the pile for the shelter and shook it out before folding it neatly.
Luke grabbed the smaller suitcase from the floor, about to make his escape. It was too much. He needed to get out of there. With one foot already out in the hall, he turned back toward his mother. “I want to get an early start on the afternoon chores after I load the truck.”
“Sure thing, sweetie.” As she continued filling a trash bag with the things that had once belonged to his father, Luke fought the sick feeling in his gut.
At least in the barn he’d find some peace. His mother hadn’t started divesting them of his father’s saddle or ropes, and if she tried, he wouldn’t let her. If nothing else, that one spot would be for Luke and his memories. She’d have to allow him that much.
The rote movements of the daily routine on the ranch were a mixed blessing. On one hand, he could let his mind go blank and just go through the motions of the things he’d done for years with his father, and now alone. On the other hand, memories of his father filled every corner of the barn. Worse, Luke had too much time to think about the rest of the guys. What they might be doing at that very moment. And Annie. Normally he’d be making sure to “accidentally” run into her in the hallway as they all got ready before the event. Or he’d be trying to catch glances of her working. Her smile lighting her face whether she was on camera or off.
The way things had been moving with them, there would have been a good chance he’d have arrived at work with her, though she’d probably want to pretend they hadn’t, which he understood. He let out a big sigh.
Annie may be his biggest regret of all. They had no chance now. Not with her on the road with the tour and him here on the ranch. He’d tried that with Lilly for far too long, and it had failed miserably. He didn’t want to fail with Annie. They were over before they’d ever really got started. That, as much as his sudden retirement while he was still at the high point of his career, stung.
The barn door swung wider and a shadow filled the doorway and blocked the sunlight streaming in.
“Hey.” Through the glare and dust, Luke heard his friend’s familiar voice.
“Hey, Chris.” Luke dumped the bucket of feed he’d had in his hand into Maverick’s dish. In response the horse gave him a soft nicker followed by a snort that sounded more like “about time” than it did “thanks”. Even his livestock wasn’t giving him time to recover from the loss of both his father and his career. Life went on, he supposed. For better or for worse. “So what brings you around?”
Chris shoved his hands in his jacket pockets against the chill in the air. “You about done here?”
“Yeah. Just let me top off his water bucket and then I’m done. Why? What you got in mind?” Any distraction would be welcome at this point.
Chris shrugged. “I don’t know. You want to go into town for a drink?”
In town people would come up to him and want to ask how he was doing. He wasn’t in the mood for that. It had been bad enough when he’d almost had to go with his mother to the church. When she’d come out to the barn to tell him she was taking the truck to drop off the bags and he’d offered to drive her, she’d said she would go alone. That was probably a good thing. He wasn’t in a sociable mood today.
“How about we pick up a couple of six-packs and drink them at your house instead?” Luke glanced hopefully at Chris.
“Sure. We can do that.” Chris continued to watch him in that strange way he had, like he was seeing deeper than Luke wanted him to. “You okay?”
And there was that question again. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
Chris planted a boot on a bale of hay and leaned one elbow on his knee, then focused on Luke’s face. “Look, Luke. I’m just going to say it. There’s an event on TV tonight. The one you’d be riding in if nothing had happened. I know it and you know it, so let’s just get it out there in the open.”
Luke’s brow rose. “Okay. So the event’s on TV. They always are. What exactly are we getting out in the open?”
“Your feelings.”
“My feelings? You’ve been watching too many daytime talk shows.” Luke scowled and dragged the hose across the barn floor.
“Joke if you want, but we both know you’d rather things were different. So I guess the question is are we going to get drunk and not watch it and pretend you don’t wish you were there riding tonight? Or are we going to get drunk and watch it and pretend you don’t feel bad that you’re not there?”
Leave it to Chris to not pull any punches. Luke shoved the nozzle into the bucket inside the stall and held it there while the water level rose. When he glanced up, Chris was still waiting for his answer. Luke saw no reason to lie. His friend would probably see through it anyway. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“All right. Well, when you do, let me know. I need to tell the rest of the household what they’re allowed to watch on TV tonight.”
Luke looked up with a frown. “They can watch whatever they want.”
“Yeah, sure. I’m going to town to grab the beer. See you at my place in a few?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
It would get easier. People looked forward to retirement. Right?
Yeah, right.
Cold beer went down real smooth when things in your life felt like they’d all gone to shit. Luke took another swallow from his fifth—or was it sixth—bottle of brew. He slumped lower against the cushions of the Collins’s living-room couch, settled in for the night.
The station came back from a break and cut to a picture that had the bottle in Luke’s hand pausing halfway down from his lips. An old photo of his father from back in his rodeo days filled the screen. Across it was written the name Charles Carpenter and the dates of his birth and death.
Chris leaned forward in his chair, then glanced at Luke. “Wow. Did you know about this?”
Luke shook his head. “No.”
He stopped talking because Annie’s voice came on the television as she narrated. It started with a video of Luke with his father at a competition last year, then it backtracked to a comprehensive photo retrospective of his father’s rodeo career which brought the mist that had been hovering just out of range for days now, back to his eyes.
The piece ended with video of Luke’s final ride from last week. The last time he’d ridden professionally. The last time he’d been happy before Chris had broken the news to him.
Then it was over. They cut back to the chutes and the next
bull and rider with JW, one of the announcers in the booth, giving stats on both. Luke leaned back, shaken.
“That was quite a tribute.” Chris’s voice had that weird tone to it again, as if he was tentatively feeling out Luke’s mood.
“Yeah.” Luke knew exactly who was responsible for it too and he needed to thank her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. It was only then he remembered the missed call he’d ignored hours ago while he’d been helping his mother with the suitcases. Testament to the fact that Luke was still rattled from recent events. He couldn’t even seem to remember to check his cell phone.
After flipping it open, Luke saw there was a message. He hit the button and dialed in his code and before long he heard Annie’s voice, telling him the network had asked for a story on his father. She’d wanted to let him know and make sure it was all right.
Too choked up, he didn’t want to talk to her like this. He hadn’t even called anyone official yet to tell them he wasn’t coming back to competition.
Luke didn’t have it in him to talk to her about his retiring and besides, she was busy at work anyway. They were in the middle of an event. She wouldn’t have time to answer a call so instead he punched in a text.
I saw it. It was beautiful. Thank you. Luke.
That would have to do for now. Maybe tomorrow he could bear to say out loud that he wasn’t coming back, but not tonight.
That done, Luke grabbed his bottle and downed quite a bit of the beer inside. He’d been sleeping like crap lately, but he had a feeling tonight would be better. He’d drunk enough to knock himself out anyway. It was all he could do to keep his eyes open now to watch the end of the competition in the Collins’s living room.
It was getting close to eleven o’clock. Chris’s parents had gone to bed long ago. Even Lilly had excused herself a few minutes ago. Good old Chris still hung in there though. Good friend that he was.
Chris rose and held up his empty bottle. “There’s one more. You want it?”
Groggy, Luke shook his head. “Nah, I’m good. It’s all yours.”
“Nah, I think I’m done for the night too.”
Luke realized that was probably a hint for him to leave so Chris could go to bed. “I guess I should get going. It’s late.” He started to hoist himself up from his spot on the couch, and found it harder to stand than it should have been.
“Stay. I don’t want you driving. I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow.” Chris laid a hand on his shoulder and pushed Luke back down into the seat after he’d worked so hard to get out of it.
“I’d only be driving for about half a mile.”
“On a public highway with other people and cars.” Chris shook his head. It was obvious to Luke that his friend was not going to give in.
“But my mom will worry.”
“No, she won’t. My mother and yours were on the phone together before.”
“Talking about me?” Luke scowled. Great. It was like he was a child again.
“Not really about you, but my mother promised yours we wouldn’t let you drive home if you’d had too many.” Chris glanced at the coffee table cluttered with empties.
“All right. I’ll stay.” He was in no mood to go home and walk into his room only to find his father’s clothes piled up on his bed anyway. Luke had specifically avoided his room all afternoon, knowing what was waiting for him there. “Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve passed out on your couch.”
Chris laughed. “Yeah, and Mom and Dad used to think we were just tired.” He shook his head. “Thank God they’re so gullible or we would’ve had our hides tanned quite a few times for sneaking into the liquor cabinet.”
“Yup.” Luke smiled at the memories. The only difference now was they were both well over the legal drinking age.
Chris disappeared into the hallway and returned with a blanket and pillow. “You need anything else? You want me to get you a glass of water from the kitchen?”
Luke raised a brow. “No, I’ll get it myself if I want. You don’t have to take care of me you know.”
“Sure I do.” Chris dismissed him with a wave of his hand.
“And why is that?” Luke’s gaze narrowed at his friend.
“Because I’ll expect you to take care of me the next time I’m out of it. I figure this way you’ll owe me.”
Luke let out a snort. “Nice friend you are.”
Chris shrugged with a grin. “I know. Have a good night. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Good night.”
Tomorrow morning was going to come very early after tonight. With that thought, Luke shut off the television, clicked off the lamp on the table next to him and closed his eyes. He fluffed the pillow behind his head and was drifting before he could think of anything else.
Luke came partially awake in the dark. His brain barely registered the unfamiliar surroundings. From his career on the road, he was used to waking up in a strange place each morning after sleeping in a different hotel room each night.
He became aware of someone next to him as their weight shifted the surface he lay on. Luke felt the warm body move closer. Fingers touched his face in the darkness, then soft, warm lips pressed to his. He let out a moan as his body responded.
Memories of making love to Annie bombarded both mind and body. Reaching up and grabbing a handful of her hair, Luke pulled her tighter against him. He deepened the kiss, plunging his tongue into her mouth.
He needed this now more than ever. Flipping them both over, he pressed harder against her beneath him. She spread her legs and made room for him between them. His damn jeans were a barrier he’d have to shuck. Soon, but not now. Now he just wanted to feel her close. Sink against her.
His tongue plunged into her mouth as his mind began to swim up from the pull of combined exhaustion and alcohol. His senses became sharper and he smelled both a familiar perfume and her arousal. His hands roamed down her sides and found she wore nothing but a T-shirt with no underwear beneath.
Plunging his fingers inside her, he moaned again when he found her wet and ready. He needed her so badly.
Luke pressed his mouth to her ear and felt her hair against his lips. “Annie—”
“Annie!” Lilly’s voice cut through his desire loud and clear as two fists pounded against his back.
“Shit.” Luke rolled off Lilly, falling off the couch and banging his knee on the coffee table. That sent the empty bottles toppling over like dominos, the sound deafening in the dark peace of the sleeping household. He was going to wake up the whole family, who would then come out and find him with a rapidly deflating hard-on and a half-naked Lilly tangled in his blanket. “Dammit, Lilly.”
She had sat up on the couch and, judging by her rapid breathing, was pretty pissed. In the dim light that filtered from the small table lamp Chris had left on in the hallway, Luke could see her face contorted with anger.
“I knew there was something going on with you and that woman.” Lilly’s opinion of Annie was quite clear in both her words and her tone.
Luke ran his hand over his face and drew in a deep breath. He was in no shape for a battle now, but it looked like he was going to have one.
“Lilly, you and I are broken up. We have been for months.” He kept his voice low, hoping she’d take the hint and do the same. At least her parents’ bedroom was at the other end of the house. The closest room was Chris’s. Hopefully he was still sound asleep from all the beer they’d drunk.
“Oh, I know we are. Is she why we’re broken up? Because after all these years, you wanted to be with her now instead of me?” Lilly accused.
He really didn’t want to discuss Annie with anyone, and especially not Lilly. Luke had spent the night watching Annie on television, realizing he could never be with her now that he wouldn’t be traveling with her and the circuit and then drinking more beer to combat the misery. “No. Our breakup had nothing to do with her. You know why we’re not together, Lilly.”
“I’m not so sure I do.”
She crossed her arms defiantly.
He wasn’t convinced that was the truth. Luke remembered her ultimatum word for word. It was a choice between continuing to ride in the pro circuit or her, pure and simple. Luke hadn’t chosen riding over Lilly, per se. He’d simply chosen not to be with a woman who couldn’t accept who he was and what he loved to do.
“You didn’t want me to ride any more, Lilly.”
“No. I didn’t want you traipsing all over the damn world riding.”
“Exactly. You wanted me here, working on the farm just like your father and my father and Chris.” Which was exactly what Luke had chosen to do now that his father was gone and he had to retire to run the ranch. Realization hit Luke hard. “Lilly, why did you come out here and kiss me tonight?”
“You’ve left the circuit, just like I wanted you to months ago when you refused. That was our only problem, your traveling all the time. Now that you won’t be, we can be together.” Her tone wasn’t as hostile as it had been, but that didn’t make the words she spoke sit any better with Luke. His suspicions were true. She’d gotten her way. Even if it hadn’t been for her, he’d retired, just like she’d wanted him to.
She acted like it was perfectly logical. Like they were weighing pros and cons like a person did when deciding to buy one brand of truck over another. But this wasn’t that kind of decision. The suggestion to go back to where they’d been before left him totally cold. He’d glimpsed just a little bit of what true happiness could be like with Annie. Going back to Lilly because there was no reason not to would be a pale shadow of the love he knew was out there waiting for him. Even if he knew he couldn’t make things work with Annie, she’d shown him there was more to be had. He wasn’t settling for anything less.
He wanted more.
“No, Lilly.”
“Why not? Because of her.” Lilly delivered the last word with pure hatred.
“No…maybe. I don’t know.” Luke drew in and let out a loud breath. He couldn’t make Lilly understand. Not in her current mood. Maybe not ever.