by E. L. Todd
And I knew I had that dream many times—and not just tonight.
I was a terrible, terrible person.
Jett wasn’t just my friend. He was my brother’s boyfriend, a man I wasn’t only attracted to, emotionally dependent on, but he was someone I saw as more than a friend.
I had feelings for him.
And he was my brother’s boyfriend.
And he was gay.
What the hell was wrong with me?
I was in denial for the longest time. I kept the feelings deep down so I wouldn’t realize them. But now I couldn’t deny it anymore. Every time I saw Jett, butterflies rose up in my stomach. I couldn’t stop smiling, especially when he gave me that cocky grin. I lived for the moments I shared with him. I didn’t work out every day because I cared that much about being fit. I did it because I got to see him. I spent all my spare time with him because it was the only place I wanted to be.
He was the only person I wanted to be with.
My brother was one of my closest friends and I was crushing on his boyfriend.
I should be slapped hard across the face.
What was I going to do? I couldn’t be around Jett anymore. These feelings would only get worse. Maybe if I avoided him long enough I would stop thinking about him all the time. Maybe the dreams would stop.
What other choice did I have?
Sweetheart, you want to hit the gym?
I stared at Jett’s text message and read it several times. I thought about his beautiful face and gorgeous body. Shivers ran down my spine and I felt like I was floating on a cloud.
And that was why I couldn’t see him.
Not today. I’ll see you later. It was so hard to write that message. I was blowing him off and being vague about it. I would rather spend time with him but I was going home alone.
Everything okay?
I hated the fact he knew me so well. Yeah, I’m just busy.
Okay.
How long would I be able to keep this up?
I was watching TV on the couch when Max joined me. “How’s the writing going?”
“Well,” he said. “I think I’m onto something.”
“Let me read it when you’re done.”
“If I ever find the courage,” he said with a light laugh. “Jett is coming over, by the way.”
I sat up quickly. “When?”
He eyed my quick movements suspiciously. “I don’t know…in a few minutes.”
I had to get out of there before Jett arrived. I jumped off the couch then pulled a sweatshirt over my head. After I grabbed a magazine and a book, I shouldered my purse then headed for the door.
“What are you doing?” Max asked.
“I just remembered I have to go to he office.”
“You’ve never had to go to the office at night before…”
“Well, things change.” I walked out. “Bye.” I shut the door quickly then practically ran down the stairs so I could get out of the building before Jett entered. If we crossed paths, it would be too awkward.
I crossed the street and moved passed people, grateful that I avoided running into him. When I arrived at my office, I shut the door then turned on my lamp. Then I read a magazine at my desk and waited for the night to pass.
I managed to avoid Jett for almost two entire weeks. Whenever he came over, I left the apartment. Whenever Jett asked me to do something, I made an excuse not to see him. Even though I was limiting my contact with him the distance didn’t stop the feelings. They were as strong as ever.
When I got off work that day, I walked out and headed the opposite way of the gym. I told Jett I sprained my ankle and I shouldn’t work out anymore. That got him off my back for a while.
“Hey, sweetheart.” His voice wasn’t full of warmth like it usually was. Actually, it was ice-cold.
I stopped and turned to him, seeing him lean against the building. He wore dark jeans and a deep green t-shirt. I hated the fact he looked hotter than ever before. His hair was slightly messy but it looked good on him. His gorgeous body invited me to him and I somehow resisted.
He approached me with his hands in his pockets. “What’s the deal?”
I kept a straight face. “Deal? What deal?”
“Why are you avoiding me?” He searched my eyes, looking for a lie.
“I’m not.” I stepped away. “I’m in a hurry and I should get going.” I was already falling under his spell.
He grabbed me by the wrist and yanked me toward him. “You think I’m stupid?” He got in my face, the anger brewing in his eyes.
“No, I just—”
“Don’t lie to me. Why are you avoiding me?”
“I just…I’m busy.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“You’re busy?” he asked incredulously. “You’re busy?”
“Why are you spending so much time with me anyway?” I asked. “You should be spending it with Max.”
“Whoa…what?” He stepped back like he was stung. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You spend too much time with me. The only person you should make that much effort with is Max.” I was on the offensive, trying to make him angry enough to leave me alone.
“How about you let me worry about my relationship with Max? And I can have other friends.”
“Just leave me alone, okay?” I tried to walk away.
“No.” He snatched me again. “Is this about the night at the bar?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?” He searched my face again.
What could have happened that night that would make me stop talking to him? “Yes. I just need space.”
“Space from what?” he snapped. “Last time I checked, we were good friends that spend a lot of time together. Now you drop me quicker than a hat. What’s that about?”
Why wouldn’t he just back off? “I have other friends, Jett. I have other responsibilities and obligations.”
“Oh really?” he said coldly. “Like the two friends that ditched you at that bar? If I remember correctly, I was the one you called to help you. I was the first person you thought of. You trusted me to save you. And now you’re just dumping me?”
“I’m not dumping you. I just don’t want to see you every single day.”
“Why not?” he asked. “We’ve been doing it for the past four months. What’s changed?”
This was getting too hard. I tried not to let the tears build up. I loved Jett and I hated hurting him. “Just give me space.” I didn’t know what else to say. There was no excuse I could make other than the truth. Nothing would make sense. “Leave me alone.”
Jett’s eyes fell with sadness and he looked devastated. The aggression left his voice. “I’m sorry…for whatever it is I did.”
God, I was a terrible person.
He stepped back, a resigned look on his face. “I guess I’ll give you some space.” He turned away and walked up the street, his shoulders sagging under an invisible weight.
I’d never felt worse.
I hit rock bottom.
Jett and I hadn’t spoken in weeks. He didn’t reach out to me again, and I didn’t talk to him.
I felt like I lost a piece of my soul.
He was my best friend, not just the man I loved, and not having him was like living without air and water. He was always on my mind, and whenever I wasn’t distracted by something, he was in my thoughts.
How did I fall in love with a gay man?
A gay man who was dating my brother?
I deserved to feel this pain. This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been stupid. Only someone truly messed up in the head would be in this situation. First, I stayed with a man who clearly didn’t love me, and then I loved a man who would never love me back.
I had some serious issues.
Max knocked on my bedroom door while I lay in bed, feeling sorry for myself. “Ophelia?”
“Hmm?”
“Can we talk?”
“About?” I didn
’t get up to answer the door.
“Can I open the door?”
I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me.
“As much as I love talking to you through a door, it’s getting old.”
I sighed then sat up. “Come in.”
Max opened the door then sat at the edge of my bed. He regarded me for a moment, pity in his eyes. “What happened with you and Jett?”
Did Jett say something to him? “Nothing…”
“Well, he told me you didn’t want to see him anymore, and you’re completely miserable every time I see you. So something did happen.”
I wouldn’t be able to hide this forever, not from my brother. I was afraid to tell him because I was scared of his reaction. Would he hate me? Would he push me away just like he did to our parents? Would we ever come back from this?
“Talk to me.” He rested his arms on his thighs.
It was easier just to tell the truth. He would tell Jett, and then everything would make sense. Jett would stay away from me, and my brother would probably move out. I’d be able to get over him.
“Come on, sis. It’s me.”
I took a deep breath. “You’re going to hate me…”
“Never.”
“Don’t say that too soon,” I said sadly.
He scooted closer to me. “I could never hate you. My parents have deserted me and I still don’t hate them.”
My actions made me worse.
“Try me, Ophelia.”
“Okay…here it goes.”
He patiently waited for me to speak.
“I don’t know how or when it happened…but it did. Jett and I spent a lot of time together. We went to the gym together, out to dinner, and I even slept at his place countless times. And while I know he’s gay and he loves you…somehow…I fell in love with him.” The truth was out and I slightly felt better. Hoarding the secret was killing me and now some of the weight was off my shoulders. “I’m so sorry. I never pursued him or told him how I felt. I would never do that to you…but having feelings for him is still unforgiveable.” I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at the ground.
Max didn’t look at me. He massaged his knuckles and released a deep sigh.
“I’m so sorry…” I couldn’t lose my brother. I loved him so much.
“That’s why you don’t want to see him anymore?”
“I can’t get over him if he’s still in my life.”
He released another sigh.
“I told you it was bad.”
“Ophelia, it’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”
“How could I not?” I snapped. “If you were my sister, everyone would tell you to disown me. I practically betrayed you.”
“But you didn’t,” he said.
“Yes, I did. Jett is yours and I’ve been thinking about him in ways I’m not entitled to…”
“Ophelia, I’m not mad,” he said calmly.
“How can that be possible?”
He watched his knuckles as he massaged them again. “Because I’m not.”
I shook my head. “If the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t sweep it under the rug.”
“Maybe because the situation isn’t what it seems…”
“Meaning?”
He stood up then put his hands in his pockets. “I need to talk to Jett. We’ll continue this conversation later.”
“You need to talk to him right this second?” I asked incredulously. “Aren’t you going to yell at me? Disown me?”
“No,” he said simply.
“You’re going to tell Jett what I said?”
He nodded.
At least it would be easier this way. I could never tell him I loved him to his face. He would avoid me and not feel bad about it. “I hope he doesn’t hate me.”
“I have a strong feeling he won’t.” He walked out then shut the door.
I lay back down and hugged a pillow to my chest. I stared at the ceiling and imagined how the conversation would go. Jett would be surprised, even shocked, and then they would have to keep their relationship away from me. Maybe one day I would be over it and we could all be in the same room together.
But it would never be the same.
11
Jett
A pain thudded deep in my chest and I felt sicker than I ever had on my worst day on earth. My heart didn’t pump blood properly because it was broken. It simply didn’t work anymore. Every muscle in my body lost its ability to move. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and wonder what I did to push Ophelia away.
She wanted nothing to do with me.
She told me she needed space, that she was busy and had other friends to hang out with. She didn’t have time for me.
She didn’t want to make time for me.
Everything was fine one day, and then the next she was gone. We spent every day together, and then she didn’t want to see me anymore. I picked her up from the bar then took her home. We made out naked on my bed then slept together. Then everything was different from that point onward.
I wondered if she remembered what happened between us. Maybe that triggered our break up. What if she realized what happened between us, that we rubbed our naked bodies together and almost made love. But when I asked her, she didn’t mention it.
Why would she hide it?
But what else could have happened?
It was killing me.
I knew Ophelia was a big part of my life but I didn’t realize how big until she was gone. She was the only woman in my life, the person I lived for. I found myself walking past her office and lunchtime in the hope of seeing her. I went to Max’s so I could run into her. But none of those ploys ever worked.
And now I was drowning.
I’d never had a relationship before so I never had a break up either.
And man, they sucked.
I felt like I was getting divorced. That’s how much it hurt. The guys were my best friends, but Ophelia had a special place in my heart. I told her everything. Being without her was like going back to my former life. I was never sad before, but after I had a taste of paradise I realized my previous life was just a desert.
I found myself drinking at bars more often. The time I would normally spend with Ophelia was spent drowning in alcohol. I would sit at the bar until it closed at some unearthly hour. Then the barman would kick me out. When I went home, I just drank more.
I was pathetic.
I was lying on the couch throwing a football in the air when there was a knock on the door.
“Come in.” I couldn’t care less who it was. If it was the President of the United States, hopefully he liked football.
The door opened and footsteps were heard.
I kept tossing the ball in the air. “Welcome, stranger.”
“It’s me.” Max’s voice came to my ear.
I talked to him a few days ago about Ophelia. I asked if he knew anything about her estrangement. He said he didn’t have a clue. I thought there might be a guy in her life but he said she hadn’t brought anyone back to the apartment.
Thank god.
“What can I do for you?” I asked as I kept tossing the ball into the air. “A family dinner, perhaps?”
He walked to the couch then grabbed the football out of the air. “We need to talk.”
“About?”
“Ophelia.”
That caught my attention so I sat up. “What about her? Is she okay?”
“No, she’s not okay.” He took the seat beside me. “Not at all.”
“What’s going on?”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “I changed my mind about what I said.”
I didn’t know what he meant.
“You have my permission to tell her the truth.” He tossed the ball at me.
I caught it without looking. “What…?”
“I found out the reason why she’s avoiding you.”
My shoulders straightened and my heart stopped beating for three seconds.
“S
he told me she’s in love with you.” He looked me in the eye as he said it.
My heart started beating again, and this time, it slammed hard in my chest. My entire body kicked into overdrive. I came alive. The depression that consumed me for weeks seemed to evaporate. I slowly rose to my feet, feeling my arms shake. “Say that again.”
He smirked. “She’s in love with you.”
“So…she actually said that?”
He nodded. “Word for word.”
I started to pace the living room. I knocked over a lamp as I moved and I didn’t even notice. “So, she’s been avoiding me because she has feelings for me.”
He nodded. “She feels terrible because she thinks you’re my boyfriend. And she thinks you’re gay.”
Now a smile spread across my lips. “Yes! I knew there was something between us. I knew it!” I turned my attention back to him. “What did you tell her?”
“Nothing. She needs to hear the truth from you, not me.”
I grabbed my wallet and keys. “I’ll tell her right now.”
“Whoa, hold on.” He stood up and raised his hand. “You need to go about this carefully.”
“Why?” I demanded. “I love her. I’ll tell her that. Problem solved.”
“And you think she’s just going to say it back and everything will be fine?” he asked incredulously.
What am I missing? “Why wouldn’t it be okay?”
He rubbed his temple. “You’ve been gay to her for four months. You think she’s going to appreciate the fact it was all a lie?”
“She knew on some deep level. The way we were together…she knew.”
“I really don’t think she did, man.”
“Look, I know her in a way you don’t.”
“I’m sure you do,” he said. “But I know I’m right about this. She doesn’t know anything about you—just the lies you’ve projected. You think that’s not going to hurt her?”
“I’ll explain to her that I couldn’t tell her the truth. I didn’t lie because I wanted to.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know how she’ll react exactly, but it’s not going to be in the fairytale way you’re imagining.”