by C Zinnia
“Yes, a Northern Cardinal,” Dana answered. “It’s our state bird, you know.”
“What’s the brown one?” she said.
“A Northern Cardinal too. The red one is the male and the brown one is the female. She’s brown so she can camouflage when she’s nesting,” she said.
“Wow,” Mel said.
“With birds around here, the brightly colored birds are typically the males while the females are more neutral colors,” Dana said. “Or the male and female are the same colorations. It just depends on the species. And each bird is beautiful in its own right.
“It amazes me how harsh we are regarding beauty and there being a ‘right’ way when it comes to people, but we don’t do that when it comes to birds or other animals. We don’t do that with plants either. We look at each flower and see each one as a beauty unto itself, but we don’t do that to each other.”
Mel was stunned by Dana’s wisdom. Mel glanced down at her lower abdomen, her ‘pooch’ as she called it. Mel remembered distinctly looking at her own body when she was six and thinking she was fat. In fact, Mel couldn’t remember a time when she wasn’t comparing her body to someone on television or even someone she knew who she felt was far more beautiful than her. Mel’s self-esteem dropped lower after puberty when she ended up with stretch marks on her abdomen, hips, thighs, arms, and breasts.
“How do you learn to appreciate your own beauty?” Mel asked.
Dana smiled at her. “By telling yourself you are beautiful every day,” Dana said. “Start off with even one body part that you enjoy about yourself. Overtime, it will get easier and, suddenly, loving yourself won’t seem like a lie or a chore. I’m a big advocate of self-love and self-worth. Life is too short for us to spend it at odds with ourselves because we don’t look the way someone else expects us to.”
“True,” Mel said.
“How’s your music coming?” Dana asked.
Dana’s sudden shift in topic threw Mel off.
“I haven’t done much yet,” Mel said honestly.
“Well, you just got here, so you can’t expect to write an album in one night. What do you like to write about?” Dana asked.
“Positive stuff,” Mel said. “Uplifting things.”
“Really? What about your troubles or the not so nice things you’ve been through?” Dana asked. “I thought most artists write about their troubles as a form of therapy.”
“I’ve written them, but I try not to put much energy into the negative. I believe that whatever I focus my mind on, I cultivate in my life. If I focus on the sad things from my life, I make the sadness stronger. If I focus on the positive things instead, I can make the positive stronger and far more powerful than any negative experience I’ve had,” Mel said. “I think there is validity to writing negative things in order to let them go, I just don’t want it to become a habit of mine to only focus on the negative.”
“Ah, you like the law of attraction stuff,” Dana said.
“I believe we reap what we sow. I believe if I put happiness and love and compassion into the universe, I will receive it in return,” Mel said. “I don’t know if it’s true, but I’d like to believe it is. I want anyone who listens to my music to feel happier after listening to it. Not angry and depressed. I’m hurting them if I’m creating music that only puts them in a dark place.”
“What about those who listen to sad or angry music because they feel the artist is able to express for them what they were feeling? Couldn’t that help release it?” Dana asked.
“I’m sure it does. I’m sure every method works for different people. It’s just finding the method that resonates with you,” Mel said.
“Just don’t block out the negative stuff to the point that you block out life and repress your emotions. The whole mindset that you can only think positive isn’t a realistic or helpful goal. Our so-called negative emotions aren’t bad as long as they’re temporary. It’s when they stick around that it’s an issue. Life is a natural wave of ups and downs. If you try to ignore it, it only hurts you and it creates an unauthentic side to you,” Dana said. “Have you mourned your father’s passing?”
“Yes,” Mel lied. Mel hadn’t. She couldn’t bring herself to cry.
Dana knew Mel was lying. “There’s nothing wrong with being sad, Mel,” she said. “Crying can help alleviate sadness.”
“I know there is nothing wrong with crying, but I still don’t like to do it,” Mel said. “Besides, it’s another reason I’m here. I can mourn Dad’s passing the way I need to.”
“Makes sense,” Dana said. Dana knew it still wasn’t the whole story. There was a piece Mel was keeping to herself.
“Does your family also believe in the law of attraction?” Dana asked.
“I don’t know,” Mel answered. “We don’t talk much about philosophical things.” Mel didn’t add that it kept the peace not to talk about philosophy.
“What do you talk about?” she asked.
“Mundane things,” Mel said. “Safe topics.” She winced. She hadn’t meant to say that much.
“Safe for who?” Dana asked.
“Everyone, I guess,” Mel said. She sipped her hot chocolate. She felt Dana studying her. How would Dana react if I told her a quarter of the things I keep to myself? Like how I know Dana has suffered multiple miscarriages over the years? How I know Dana has given up on ever having more children? And how I know Dana is going to be pregnant by the end of the year? Mel thought.
Mel didn’t mean to know these things, but it was common for random bits of information about people around her to enter her head. Some information was from the past, some from the present, and some from the future. Mel didn’t know for sure where it came from. She had her theories that the knowledge was somehow embedded in the person’s energy field and Mel could pick up on it. But she didn’t know if that was true. She only knew that it appeared in her head and seemed to be accurate. As a child, she had thought she was crazy. Now, she had come to terms with her gifts.
Mel also knew Bill was going to kill Trixie by the week’s end. The only reason she didn’t say anything was because she knew Trixie wouldn’t believe her. In fact, Trixie would get angry at Mel for even mentioning it. Mel didn’t know how Bill would kill her, only that he would. She tried to warn Trixie of Bill being dangerous last night, but Trixie laughed it off.
Mel knew she couldn’t bring it up to Lee or Dana because they would try (and fail) to believe Mel. They would think Mel’s paranoia was a sign of a mental breakdown from her father’s passing. Mel didn’t fault them for it. She would have probably felt the same way if she were in their shoes.
Jim pulled into the driveway. He hopped out of the van and rushed towards them. “Hey, she gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I’m going to grab a couple of things and head back to the hospital,” he said as he walked up to the porch. He had a large grin and his eyes were bright with joy. “How has your day been?”
“Great,” Dana said. “We were having a girl’s day.”
Jim didn’t believe her. “Don’t you mean you were having a try-to-figure-out-what-secret-Mel-is-hiding day?” he asked innocently as he placed his hands on his hips.
Dana blushed. She stumbled to put a string of words together to defend herself.
“Save it, darling. I know a passive aggressive interrogation when I see one,” he said. He pointedly looked at the hot chocolate. “Did you two watch a movie too?”
Dana didn’t answer. She tried to feign naivety as she sipped from her mug. “Who doesn’t like a good movie and hot chocolate?” she said. She wasn’t upset with Jim for calling her out. She was hoping maybe he could help her figure Mel out.
He sat down and patted Mel’s knee. “You should talk about it, honey. You’re in the safest place to do so,” he said.
“Talk about what?” Dana asked.
Mel was dumbfounded. But, then again, she was naïve to think Jim didn’t know. He’s been there too, Mel thought. He recognizes my struggle.
“I’d tell Dana already before she passes out from holding her breath,” Jim advised Mel.
“Someone better tell me,” Dana said. She didn’t like feeling left out.
“The truth is I didn’t just come here to write songs or mourn Dad’s passing,” Mel said. “I came here because I came to terms with the fact that I’m a lesbian and I’m trying to figure out the best way to tell everyone back home.”
Dana was stunned. “Huh.” It finally sank in. She laughed. “Well, that definitely adds some things up.” She wrapped her arm around Mel and pulled her close. “Don’t worry, honey. It doesn’t change my opinion of you. I still think you’re great. And if you need help coming up with the best way to tell your folks, I’ll help out as much as I can. Although I don’t have any experience with the matter.”
“Thanks,” Mel said. Just saying everything out loud made Mel feel lighter. The weight on her shoulders didn’t seem so heavy.
Jim’s cell phone beeped. “That’s Thomas. All of the exams are going well. I better get going. I’m sorry I’m leaving you like this, Mel, but Dana can give you our number so you can call if you ever need to talk about anything, okay?” Jim said. “Thomas and I have both had the experience of coming out to our families and we’ll help you as much as we can.”
“Okay, thanks,” Mel said.
Jim went inside.
“I’m happy for them. They deserve to have kids,” Dana said. She looked at Mel. Dana was pleased. Life made sense to Dana once more. “Is there anyone special in your life back home?”
“No,” Mel said. Her heart was heavy at the thought. She wasn’t sure if there would ever be anyone. “There’s no one.” She stood up. “I think I’m going to take a nap. I’ve had enough confessions for one day.”
“I understand,” Dana said. She stood up and gave Mel a hug. “Thank you for sharing with me. I’m here for you if you need anything. Okay?”
“Thank you,” Mel said. She went upstairs. She passed Jim on his way out. He had a bookbag in hand.
“See you later,” he said.
“Bye,” Mel said. She went into her room. Instead of lying in bed, she sat at the desk. She opened the notebook and waited for some inspiring thought to come.
Nothing happened.
Mel angrily closed her notebook. She didn’t know what to do. She felt like in the depths of her subconscious were beautiful music and lyrics waiting to come out. Why do they evade me? Mel thought.
She threw herself onto the bed, feeling like a failure. She had thought that by owning up to her sexuality out loud, she would be overcome by creativity.
Instead, she still had the same block she did back home.
“When will I be able to express my true potential?” Mel asked the ceiling. She had felt in her bones that she was going to write beautiful songs soon.
She just didn’t know how soon it would be.
Her internal war was put on hold when she felt an energy pull at her from the window. It was the same energy she had felt yesterday.
As though she were in a trance, she got up and moved towards the window.
Before she looked outside, she already felt the world around her start to shift.
When Mel looked outside, she felt anxious, giddy, nervous, and excited all at once. It felt like lightning struck her heart. It forced her heart to open and make room for the person below. She realized her life would never be the same. She had met the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. And it happened to be the woman who had been popping up since Mel came to the Countryside B&B.
A beautiful woman was laughing with Daren as they stretched in the backyard. It was the same woman Dana painted a picture of.
She had dark brown hair pulled back into a short ponytail at the nap of her neck. Her body was one of a well-trained athlete.
This must have been Viola. Her energy was one of a fighter. She also made no effort to hide her wildness the way the others did. Mel was willing to bet Viola never lost a fight.
“Viola!” Dana squealed. She rushed towards Viola and enveloped her in a warm hug. “I’ve missed you!”
Viola’s laughter was contagious as she hugged Dana back.
Mel couldn’t hear what Viola was saying, but it made Dana hug her more tightly. She forced herself away from the window. She backed up until the back of her knees hit the bed. She sat down and stared at the window, no longer able to see them.
What am I going to do? There was no way in the world someone like Viola would date someone like me. I don’t even know if Viola likes women, Mel thought.
And if she does, she probably has a girlfriend of many years, her mind added. She immediately frowned. Mel didn’t like the thought of that.
“I should leave,” Mel muttered. Even then, she couldn’t bring herself to pack her bags. She could feel Viola’s presence. She was still outside. Mel half-hoped, half-dreaded the thought of Viola coming inside.
What would I do if that happens? Mel thought. “Easy. I would stay up here. The last thing I need to do is make an ass of myself,” Mel said.
Firm in her decision, Mel laid down and crossed her arms over her chest. She kept telling herself she wasn’t aware of the woman outside and that she didn’t care.
After ten minutes of laying there, Mel realized she needed to preoccupy her mind. She pulled out her guitar and played random songs that called to her. She was able to forget about the people outside as she lost herself in the notes she played. They seemed to vibrate within her heart.
Are you ready to heal? a voice within her softly asked.
For a moment, she was aware of all of the gunk within her body from physical, mental, and soul traumas. She looked down and could see the angry reds, grudge greens, bitter blues, and grief greys decorating her body. She could feel its heaviness and how it inhibited her ability to play her guitar better.
She rejected the idea that those things were within her and at that level. “No,” she said as she quickly stopped playing.
Her awareness of the gunk left and her body appeared normal once more. She touched herself, but couldn’t feel any of the energies. “I was just imagining things,” she told herself.
Suddenly, she felt Viola leaving. Mel rushed to the window to find Viola disappearing into the woods. It made her sad to see her go. It made Mel feel empty.
Daren walked toward the house.
Mel hurried downstairs. She almost ran into Daren in the hallway.
“Whoa there! Where’s the fire?” Daren asked.
“No fire,” Mel said. “I was just thirsty.”
Daren didn’t believe her. Both his look and energy said as much. “You ran downstairs and nearly knocked me over because you’re thirsty?” Daren said.
“Yes,” Mel lied.
“Whatever you say,” he said. “I guess I’ll get something to drink too.”
They went into the kitchen.
Mel wanted to ask about Viola, but didn’t know where to start. “Did you have fun rock climbing?” she asked.
“Yeah,” Daren said. He pulled out his phone and showed her pictures from the top of the mountain they had climbed.
“That’s gorgeous,” she said. “It’s so beautiful here.”
“It is,” he agreed. “Well, I’m going to go shower. Try not to bulldoze anyone else, okay?”
“I’ll try not to,” she said. She watched Daren leave. She felt despair. “I’ve just got to find a way to end up at that fight.”
Chapter 12
Mel couldn’t sleep. The entire night she tossed and turned. Her imagination was overrun by random fighting matches in various places. One time, it was on the branch of a large tree. Another time, on a kayak in the middle of the lake. Sometimes she was the onlooker and other times she was a contender.
She got up and put her headphones on. She sat at her keyboard and played to soothe her nerves. She knew a couple of songs she had taught herself. Typically, she added piano parts to her songs after she had the guitar chords and lyrics.
She had a pile of songs already written and recorded, but she felt like they weren’t good enough. Her sister used to ask to hear her song, but Mel refused because she knew Janna would hate them. Mel couldn’t handle the rejection.
According to Daren, I would have to look at whether Janna would actually dislike them or is it that I don’t feel like my music will ever be good enough so I assume she won’t like them, Mel thought. She brushed the thought aside. It was too early in the morning to dive into those insecurities.
After a few hours of playing and checking through her songs on her computer to see which ones needed piano parts, she turned off her keyboard, wrapped herself up in a blanket, and went outside.
She sat on the porch with her romance novel. She didn’t bring any music because she was beginning to enjoy the silence. There was a special quiet that seemed to exist this early in the morning that Mel never experienced before.
As the same time, the silence seemed to give a space for her internal chatter. Her fears and worries flew through her mind in rapid fire. Fear of failure. Fear of ending up alone. Fear of being unlovable. Fear of never amounting to anything. Fear of being a disappointment.
A tightness filled her chest. “This is stupid, Mel,” she told herself. The remark didn’t help the sensations. She went upstairs and grabbed her mp3 player and headphones.
She went back downstairs and sat on the porch swing. She put on music to drown out the silence. It didn’t remove her fears, but it made it harder for her to hear them.
Daren came outside and smiled at Mel. “Still waking up early, I see,” he said.
“Yeah, I just can’t seem to will myself to sleep more,” she said. “Off to train with Viola for her fight?”
He winced. “Yes, but don’t let anyone else hear you talking about it,” he said.
“I won’t. Too bad I can’t go with you. I’m sure it’s a lot of fun,” she said wistfully.
He grinned and shook his head. “Don’t even try it, missy. You ain’t going to that fight,” he said.
Mel pouted. “Okay,” she said sadly.
Daren groaned. “I’m out of here. You’re guilt trip isn’t going to work,” he said as he left.