by Amy Woods
Everything he said was true, and somehow he was both completely honest, yet gentle at the same time, careful of her tender heart.
“You cannot blame her, and you cannot blame yourself. Neither of you knew what would happen that day when you traded shifts. And, someday, when her son is old enough, he will understand how brave his mother was, and how much she cared about his future, and when he does, you will need to be there for him. You will need to tell him how much you loved Sophie and how much he meant to her.”
Avery nodded, wiping tears from her eyes with the palms of her hands. “I would if Nathan would let me. I don’t understand why he won’t.”
Isaac rested his chin against her head. “Give him time,” he said. “Give him time to understand that you just want to be there for them. He’s mourning her, too, and everyone’s grief takes on a different form.
“Okay?”
She closed her eyes, nodding. “Okay.”
Sharing that with Isaac had lifted a ton from her shoulders, and she felt like she could breathe again. His presence was healing her, a little at a time, in a way medicine and therapy had not been able to. She knew they were valuable, but being with someone who supported her unconditionally was worth just as much on her journey to recovery. She could see now that isolating herself from community hadn’t been the best for her.
Now that she knew it was possible to find light at the other side of all that darkness, she began to hope that she might be able to repair other areas of her life, and maybe even get her job back someday.
Though, now that she considered it, she wasn’t sure she wanted to go back to the same job. There was a time when it had felt like the only thing she ever wanted to do, but now that she’d been exposed to something new, she was beginning to think she might want to work with animals. She was a skilled health professional and had given much of herself to making other people better, but being in the company of Foggy and Jane had opened her up to something different, and she had the idea that she might enjoy caring for animals instead. Their presence was so soothing and full of so much joy. They didn’t ask for much, just wanted to be treated with respect. It was something she could get used to.
“Now,” Isaac said, getting up from the couch. He had to push a few dog limbs out of the way to disentangle himself from the wad. “Your bath is ready, my dear.”
He reached out a palm and gave a little bow, making Avery laugh. When she offered him her hand, he helped her up and led her down the hall to the bathroom, making sure she had plenty of fresh towels and anything else she needed before he shut the door, leaving her alone with a tub full of fluffy, inviting suds. On the counter, she noticed, he had set out a T-shirt and sweatpants of his own for her to change into.
Cared for, calm and one hundred percent comfortable in this kind, generous man’s home, Avery undressed and slid down into the perfectly warm water, her heart more at ease than it had been since she could remember.
But only a few moments passed before she wanted him back by her side.
She was ready now, to have everything.
“Isaac?” she called.
She heard his footsteps coming closer down the hall and then they stopped just outside the door.
“What is it?”
“I need one more thing,” she said, gripping the sides of the tub to lift herself from the warm water.
“Anything. Just say the word.” His voice, so near, yet so distant, on the other side of the door, vibrated up her spine.
She bit her lower lip to keep from grinning like a madwoman, to quell the raging desire growing swiftly in the most neglected parts of her body. Drawing in a deep breath, she headed for the door, slowly opening it until she stood completely bare before him. His dark eyes said far more than any words might have as they took in the whole of her form. She’d already given him her heart; now she wanted him to have all of her.
“I need you.”
She didn’t have to say another word. He gave her the sultriest smile she’d ever witnessed and, within seconds, he’d wrapped his arms around her naked body and carried her, dripping wet, down the hallway to his bedroom, closing the door behind them.
The only light in the room came from the last soft rays of evening sun that slipped in through Isaac’s window, but his eyes seemed to be on fire as he laid her gently on the bed, taking a moment to drink in the sight of her once more.
She felt no shyness under his gaze, only raw need as he tugged off his shirt and came closer to the side of the bed, to her. She lifted her torso and wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly before she let go and slid her fingers up to the waistband of his jeans.
But then he pulled her hands away and lowered himself until he was eye level with her. “Avery, are you sure this is what you want?” he asked, his breath halting over the words, forehead knit with concern. Her insides ached at the knowledge of what she was doing to him, and at how much he respected her boundaries. But that was just it—she wanted no more boundaries between them.
“Absolutely,” she said, drawing his mouth to hers as she threaded her fingers through that thick, unruly, dark hair she loved so much. Then his palms were against her cheeks, his thumbs tracing over her face as the kiss deepened, further and further until both of them needed something far more intense.
Isaac rose again and, this time, made no move to stop her undoing his jeans. When they fell to the floor in a heap, leaving only the stark outline of his desire for her against the taut material of his boxer briefs, it was her turn to study him unbridled.
And study him, she did.
He was incredible in every way possible, this man who loved her, and she wanted him more than anything else in the world.
Resting her hands on his waist, she pulled him down to join her on the bed.
“We can go slow. There’s no rush, you know.” She heard the words, but they didn’t sound too convincing.
“Actually,” she said, giggling as she admired the view of him hovering above her, “I am in a rush.” His brows rose in confusion, but she went on. “It’s taken my whole life to find the perfect guy for me, and now that I have you, I’m totally ready to dive in.”
His head leaned back and he laughed, the warm sound affecting her almost as much as the hands that soon covered her breasts. With her, all their clothes and inhibitions now gone, he was wilder and more sensual than any of the rogues and rakes that populated her favorite novels. And it occurred to her suddenly, she was the lucky heroine who got to belong to him, to be the one he placed above all others, the one he fought for and rode off with into the sunset.
“Well, in that case...”
He leaned down to kiss her flesh, moving one hand to stroke the heated center of her, eliciting a moan so primal she wasn’t even sure it was she who’d uttered it.
As he drove her to the edge of sanity, she reached out to hold him, drawing his aroused body closer to her own until neither of them could stand to wait any longer, and Isaac paused briefly to get a condom from his bedside table. Their breath came in heavy waves, skin burning with hunger for each other as their mouths met again. And when he finally crashed into her, filling every empty space inside, Avery let go completely and gave him everything she had.
* * *
Hours later, Avery stirred in a fitful sleep, tossing her arms and legs as she struggled against another horrifying nightmare.
In the dream, she and Sophie were together again. Instead of trading shifts, they had gone to visit some of the Afghan women at their normal time. The sun was high in the desert sky as they made their way down the dirt street to the home, and their hearts were lighter than usual. The rays beat down but their skin was protected from the worst of it by the burkas they wore with their uniforms.
The house was quiet as the two women were invited in, welcomed warmly and given tea as usual, but
something was different. There was a new woman amidst them, one they hadn’t met before who seemed to stare at them with apprehension, and something more. Something like thinly veiled hatred.
Tension buzzed and the air was thick with electricity, as just before a storm. Avery sensed that they shouldn’t linger, and she finished her refreshments quickly before suggesting to Sophie that they ask if any of the women needed any medical help and then return quickly to their turf, where they would be relatively safe.
Even as she slept, Avery knew how the dream would end. She knew there would be nothing she could do to stop the bomb from going off while she and Sophie remained in the house. She didn’t know why she was with her friend in the dream when she had not been in real life; perhaps on some level it was what she wanted subconsciously, what she wished had happened so that they would both be gone and she wouldn’t be home, alone, living with too-heavy guilt in a place where no one understood what she did.
But this time, as she braced herself for the blast, something changed.
When she reached up to touch her face, instead of sand there was moisture, and...something warm. Confusion set in as her eyes fluttered open, and there he was. There was Foggy, his paws near her shoulders as he licked her cheeks with vigor, willing her to wake up and see that she was okay. She wasn’t in that desert like she’d been the last time she’d had that nightmare.
Though this time, it didn’t take long for her to remember that she was in Isaac’s home—that in fact she lay next to him in his own bed. After several hours together the evening before, they’d opened the door and let the dogs pile up at the foot of the king-size bed. Sensing her distress even as she dreamed, Foggy must have crawled to her side.
Coming to, she buried her fingers in the fur just behind Foggy’s shoulders and pulled his head close, hugging him for dear life, realizing with elation that he’d woken her up on purpose. He’d saved her from the worst part of the dream. He reminded her what was real.
She put her hands on the sides of his face and planted a giant kiss on his cold, wet nose. “You wonderful little dog,” she said, sitting up in bed and reaching around to hug him some more. “You amazing little creature.”
Tears began to spill down her cheeks as she understood fully what Foggy had done for her. She held him close for a long time, starting only when she felt Isaac’s hand on her shoulder.
“Hey there, handsome,” she said, wiping at her eyes with the palms of her hands, as laughter welled up inside.
Isaac sat up and scooted closer to her side of the bed. As she turned to him, her eyes slid over the hard planes of his chest and abs, then back up to his gorgeously stubbled face. His dark hair stuck out all over the place and she wanted to run her fingers through it and mess it up even more.
“Come here,” she said again, and Isaac scooted even closer, snuggling her against his chest and burying his sleepy face into her hair.
“Is everything okay? I think I heard you crying but it took me a minute to fully wake up.”
“Yes, it’s okay,” she said, giggling now between little happy sobs. Images filled her mind of him kissing her good-night a few hours before, just after they’d made love for the countless time, bringing a glass of water to place at her bedside table. He’d made sure she had everything she needed to be comfortable in his home before he crawled under the sheets by her side, both of them happily exhausted.
“What happened? Did you have another nightmare?”
She nodded and Isaac’s hand landed on her thigh, warm even through the sheets. “But it’s all right this time.”
Isaac looked confused and she pointed at the dog in her arms.
“It’s all right, because this time, Foggy saved me.”
Chapter Twelve
“Avery, I’m so very glad to see you,” Dr. Santiago greeted as Avery opened her office door at the Veterans Affairs outpatient clinic the next Thursday, right on time for her one o’clock appointment.
The doctor stood and shook Avery’s hand, welcoming her with a broad, sincere smile. “I always look forward to our appointments. Would you like something to drink today? I have the usual Coke and water.”
Avery tilted her head and chewed her lip. “I’ll have a Coke today, if you don’t mind.”
Dr. Santiago paused in front of the minifridge in the corner behind her long, oak desk. “Special occasion?” she joked, and Avery smiled.
“No. Just feeling adventurous, I guess.”
“Well, by all means. Coke it is.” She pulled out a can and handed it across her workspace before sitting down. Avery gripped the ice-cold drink and flipped open the tab to take a sip. It had been ages since she’d had a Coke and she’d forgotten how much she enjoyed the sugary, caramely soda.
“My goodness, this is good,” she accidentally said out loud.
Dr. Santiago grinned as Avery took the seat across from her. “I’m so glad you like it. It’s good to see you indulging a little.”
They had spoken before about Avery’s diminished appetite and low body weight, but the doctor had always been kind and gentle, urging her patient to speak about why it was difficult for her to eat, sometimes even having Avery list the things she used to enjoy eating in the hopes of encouraging her hunger to perk back up, so she wasn’t surprised at the comment.
“It feels good to enjoy something like this again, even something so insignificant.”
“Or maybe not so insignificant,” Dr. Santiago suggested. “Sometimes it’s the littlest things that give us something to cling to, almost like a breadcrumb to help you find your way back.”
Dr. Santiago was tall, with silky black hair and matching eyes, and a deep but soft, soothing voice infused with a native Puerto Rican Spanish accent. She was Avery’s favorite therapist, the only one she had been able to commit to seeing on a regular basis. Some of the others had cold, overly bright offices and demeanors that Avery’s body actively resisted, making it impossible for her to relax or trust them, but Dr. Santiago had decorated her space in peaceful deep purples and soft greens. The velvety indigo couch Avery now sat on was overstuffed and comfortable, situated directly across from a gorgeous print of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains.
The picture reminded Avery of their first consultation. She’d asked Dr. Santiago if she had ever been to those mountains, and, unlike most of the doctors Avery had visited, this one did not try to avoid the question and redirect her back to the horrors of her own mind. Instead, Dr. Santiago had offered Avery a warm smile and answered, telling of her annual trips there, of the solace she found hiking those foothills with the little terrier that was her constant companion.
Avery considered what the doctor had said about breadcrumbs and trails. “I think I may have found another breadcrumb.”
“Oh?”
Avery’s lips turned up involuntarily and she hoped she wasn’t blushing like a little girl. “I met someone recently...someone very interesting, very different and incredibly sweet. Isaac.”
Dr. Santiago leaned forward, and for a moment Avery recalled what it was like to share something exciting with a close girlfriend. She hadn’t realized until that moment how much she missed female companionship. Macy was wonderful, but it wasn’t often that the two of them were alone without the kids. She should remedy that, Avery thought, and suggest that Macy join her for a drink sometime, out of the house, away from all the everyday stuff. There was a time when going out like that had been a weekly Friday thing, something she looked forward to.
Why had they stopped?
Because of me, Avery thought. Her friends and sister-in-law probably didn’t know what to say to get those girls’ nights out started up again. Her impulse was to blame them, but Avery knew it was just as much on her end. Maybe they could reach out to her a little more, but she hadn’t exactly been outgoing lately. She could stand to make more of an effort, and
maybe they would meet her in the middle. Her friends loved her, she knew. They had come by in droves after she’d come home, bringing flowers and magazines and the romance novels she loved, treating her like she might be sick.
And she was. But there was no medicine that could make her wholly better. And she’d thanked them, but eventually pushed them all away, as much afraid of them as they were of her. She realized that now, the same as she realized she needed them.
Maybe they were the medicine. Her friends, and Foggy, and Isaac, and her family. She could hold on to them if she wanted to, if she could let herself be that vulnerable, and they would be her borrowed strength until she built enough of her own to stand up again.
“Avery?”
“Hmm?”
“If you want to share, I’d love to hear more about Isaac.”
“Oh, yes, Isaac.” She let his name linger on her lips, enjoying the soft symmetry of its syllables. “Isaac.”
Dr. Santiago smiled.
“He’s a certified dog trainer, actually, who also happens to be my brother’s neighbor. Oddly enough, even though he lives literally just up the road, I only met him a few weeks ago, and I’ve been spending almost all of my time with him since.” She paused at the memory, thinking of how a bad situation turned so quickly, so unexpectedly, into something good.
“I was having one of my flashback episodes,” she said, looking up to meet Dr. Santiago’s eyes. They were concerned but nonjudgmental, full of kindness and understanding, much like those of the man she was describing.
“He found me, or I found him, and he took me home, fed me and took care of me. I was terrified when I realized what had happened, but he was so wonderful with me, so patient and compassionate when I told him what was going on. Then, when I found out that he works with service dogs for veterans with PTSD, it was almost like...like it was meant to be, even though I don’t really believe in that nonsense. I can’t explain the way I feel around him—it’s something completely new to me.”