by Lia Black
“Okay?” Sean asked him. His lips brushed against loose wisps of hair.
“B-better,” Mercury sighed, settling back.
Sean tensed momentarily, but relaxed when he realized that Mercury wasn’t going to try anything. That was worrisome. Mercury Fie had seemed indestructible. But whatever it was that had run afoul in his head, was taking a lot more time to fix.
“You’re so kind to me, Pretty.” Mercury’s voice was a mumble. “Were you as kind to him?”
“Him?”
“Your lover.”
Sean felt a familiar, uncomfortable pang in his chest. “Evan,” he sighed. “His name is Evan.” It was looking more and more likely that they might not make it out of here. If Mercury didn’t recover and ended up dying, Sean would have little choice but to either wait to die or step out into the storm and end it quickly.
“Not dead, then.”
“Not the last time I checked, no.” Truthfully, Sean would never wish that on him. Evan hadn’t been the one to close the door on their relationship— not at first, anyway. Regardless, they were still in contact, or at least aware of each other through comments by family and co-workers.
“You miss him?”
Sean shrugged. “Sometimes. Yes.” Maybe more than sometimes. Maybe it wasn’t even Evan he missed, though truthfully, he missed an awful lot about their life together. It was more a sense of disappointment. Of not having anyone to come home to after a long and trying day, or anyone with whom to look forward to growing old together.
“Then why did you let him go?”
“What?”
If Mercury heard the incredulity in Sean’s tone, he didn’t acknowledge it. “I don’t understand why you would let him leave. You don’t love him anymore?”
“I—” Sean hesitated, wading through the mud filling his skull to try and find the right words. “I do love him, and that’s why we aren’t together.”
“That doesn't make sense. I thought love meant hanging onto something, keeping it very close.”
“That’s being possessive—you don't need to love somebody to be possessive, it’s caused more by not loving yourself.” He knew this too well. During their time together—towards the end—Evan had a one-night stand with some guy at the bar. He’d felt unlovable, because Sean had been treating him like part of the decor. It was Sean’s parents’ relationship all over again. He was so wrapped up in his own head that he didn't notice Evan was hurting. No, that wasn’t true. He knew it and did everything he could to avoid fixing it because somewhere, not so deep down, he knew it would only be a matter of time before Evan broke. He was so certain that Evan would betray his heart that he made it happen. The really ironic thing was that Evan wasn’t high maintenance. Maybe if he had been, if he’d been more demanding and less tolerant, Sean would’ve gotten his shit together before it was too late.
“Did you kill the other man?” Mercury asked.
Sean had a moment of displacement as he wondered just how much of what he’d been thinking had come out of his mouth. He sighed, guessing it didn't really matter. He’d said and done a lot over the past few days that he probably wouldn’t live long enough to regret. “I wanted to, but it wasn’t the other guy’s fault. They were both drunk, Evan was hurting and needed comfort and I was too self-absorbed to give him what I knew he needed. I don't blame either of them for what happened.”
“You knew what I needed.” The way Mercury said it was low and heavy and made parts of Sean’s brain respond like seduction.
“That…that was…” he was surprised Mercury remembered him jerking him off to keep him from killing them both. That was what he was taking about, wasn’t it? “…Academic,” was that the right word? “I figured if you had something wrong in your brain, it could be why you needed sugar, and sex.”
“I like sex,” Mercury said.
“Yeah, I know, but sex without love becomes boring.”
“Then you find another partner, Pretty.”
“I’m sure you’ve had several.”
“Too many to remember.”
“And where are they? The ones you didn’t kill, I mean. Where were they when you needed them?”
“Princess pulled a gun on me.”
Sean hated that he knew Craig. It made it easier to imagine him fucking Mercury and that bothered him. The fact that it did, bothered him more.
“I should have realized he was a cop because he was so much different from the others. He hadn't tried to steal anything or kill me. Flowers. Last year he brought me flowers on my birthday.”
“When’s your birthday?”
“April first.”
Of course. “April Fool’s Day.”
“Does that make me a fool, Pretty?”
“No. You’re not a fool. I think the joke is on the rest of us.”
Mercury sighed and moved deeper into his arms. “Not you. I would never joke about you.” Mercury’s hand started rubbing along his arm. “Do you think anyone will ever love me?”
Sean was quiet for a moment, thinking how best to answer. If Mercury thought he’d fallen asleep, so much the better because at least he wouldn't have to say anything. Still, he felt he deserved an answer. “I don’t know, Merc.” His intent to drag Mercury kicking and screaming to the Tribunal had moved a lot farther down his list. Survival was right at the top, and part of that survival was keeping Mercury calm enough to forget about killing him. “I think, if circumstances were different, that there would be a lot of people who’d be interested in loving you.”
“What about you, Sean? Would you be one of them?”
Sean’s spine tensed from the loaded question. He could say what Mercury wanted to hear, but Mercury would know if he were lying, and as strange as it seemed, he didn’t want to break his promise of honesty to a madman. “If circumstances were different, we’d never have met.”
Now it was Mercury’s turn to be quiet as he digested the words or imagined rainbows or whatever he did when he was in his own head. “I see. You’re right.”
The response betrayed no emotion. Sean wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
“Since you let Evan go, have you found happiness, Pretty?” Mercury asked without noticeable pretense.
Sean chewed the inside of his cheek. “No. But he has. Better than what I could have ever given him. That’s as it should be. Why are you asking me these things?”
Mercury’s body sagged against Sean’s. “I don’t miss them. Any of them. I miss sex, but I can’t even remember who was better at what. Does that mean that I have never been in love? Do you think I am incapable?” Mercury partially turned his head, catching some strands of hair against the stubble on Sean’s chin.
“I can’t answer that,” Sean smoothed down the stray pieces, and lingered momentarily to gently touch Mercury’s head. His hair was coarse, almost like filament.
“You are so kind to me, Pretty. I wish I understood what it was you wanted from me. I would give you anything.”
Sean stopped the movement of his hand, and took in a deep breath, mindful of the tone of his voice. He couldn’t encourage anything that Mercury might take as a hint of a future together. “Right now, all I want from you is for you to be all right.” He wanted to tell Mercury to get some sleep, but remembered that was not possible for him. Regardless, his own body and mind were drifting once more. Amazing that he could suddenly be so comfortable with another person’s body in his arms—especially considering who and what this person was. At this point, maybe it didn’t matter.
“Pretty?” Mercury’s voice was a whisper.
“Hm?”
“Am I so broken?” The sound of Mercury’s voice was high and soft.
“Tragically so,” Sean sighed. “But I don’t think it’s all your fault.”
Mercury took a shuddering breath, and Sean, probably out of habit, pressed a kiss against the top of his head. In the silence that followed, at the back of his mind, things gnawed and fought for his attention, but he wa
s too tired to consider them right now.
20
By the time Sean woke up again, he felt better rested. Mercury had rolled over in his arms and was watching him as he slept. He could see his face in the pale glow of the fading light stick. It wasn’t nearly as predatory as the first time they’d woken up face-to face, but it was still unnerving.
“Tell me about the drugs you were given,” Sean said, struggling through a yawn.
There was a crackle as the bandages separated from the dried blood on Mercury’s forehead, probably from raising an eyebrow. Sean made a mental note to check them.
“There were so many,” Mercury sighed.
“The ones you were given to keep you calm.” Sean only then realized that he was still holding Mercury. This was not exactly pillow-talk. As casually as possible, Sean let him go and sat up. Mercury sat up with him.
“There were some in the lab. Some cocktail that seemed to do the trick. Otherwise there were manufactured ones—street drugs.”
“Right, you mentioned some.” Sean fumbled for the crate he knew was nearby and grabbed the dying light stick, giving it a shake. The glow remained anemic. There was maybe only one left. If the storms didn’t end soon, they’d be stuck in here in complete darkness until they did. Well, he’d be in darkness. Mercury seemed to have no trouble functioning without light. Built-in night vision could really come in handy.
“What are you trying to learn, Precious?” Mercury stretched, feline, but his body trembled. He touched his forehead with hesitant fingers, as though he’d just remembered the injury.
What indeed? Sean wasn’t entirely certain at this point. The battle raging inside of him between what he felt was right, and what he knew was legal, was beginning to break down in light of their current situation. He was putting himself into a position that he was never made for. Other people passed judgment, it was Sean’s task to bring in the accused and protect the innocent. But at this point, he couldn’t be certain that Mercury’s initial sentencing was more a matter of law or money… or if it had even occurred at all. Too many coincidences, and things that didn’t quite add up. Yes, Mercury was a murderer. Yes, Mercury was crazy. But if he’d been made that way, was there someone else who should be blamed? None of this would likely matter if Sean was doing his damn job instead of thinking so much. His entire career was just figuring out how to do whatever he was told to do— no questions asked.
Suddenly, that irked him.
“Pretty, your face is doing unappealing things. Stop having whatever ugly thought is causing it.” Mercury let out a defeated sigh. “This is most troubling…I should be feeling better by now.”
“Mercury, you nearly smeared your brains all over the walls.”
“That would explain this, I suppose.” Mercury reached up, fingering the bandages.
“Let me check. They could probably do with changing.” Sean patted the floor in front of him and after a quizzical glance, Mercury scooted around, sitting with his legs crossed.
“I’m fairly subdued now,” Mercury said as Sean carefully unwound the bandage. “It would be quite easy to take me to the tribunal.” He raised his hands, pressing the wrists together as though he’d all ready been bound.
Sean dropped his head. He wasn’t thinking about that right now. “We’re probably at least two days from a port…assuming you can even make it.” The wound appeared to be holding closed thanks to the dermal glue, but there was some swelling under a quickly fading bruise. The blood looked black in the dim, blue glow of the light stick.
Mercury rocked a little, side-to-side, his gaze set hard, though without expression. “You’d expect me to wait here?”
“Your current condition suggests it would be best,” Sean said, rolling up the bandages before meeting Mercury’s eyes. In them, Sean thought he saw a challenge.
“And I am to believe that you will return alone?” Mercury asked.
“Should I believe that you’ll still be here when I return?” They stared each other down, but Mercury looked away first. He offered a crooked smile. “Trust,” Mercury said. “It isn’t your strong point, is it?”
Sean did not return the smile. “Not yours, either.” He reached over, sliding the first-aid kit along the gritty floor and popped it open, retrieving fresh bandages from inside.
“Trust has brought me to this point, Pretty,” Mercury sighed and leaned forward so Sean could wrap his head. The dim glow formed heavy shadows under his eyes and hollowed his cheeks.
“I’m pretty sure your life choices brought you to this point,” Sean remarked.
A lazy smile spread across Mercury’s face. “You’re so smart, Pretty. I’m so pleased we’re friends.”
Sean offered him a smirk, but wasn’t ready to comment further. Mercury may have been crazy, but he wasn’t dumb. The challenge still hung between them. Even with Mercury injured, it was difficult to determine who had the upper hand. “All set.” He said, closing up the first aid kit and setting it aside.
“Do you think we’ll die here?” Mercury asked with a noticeable change in tone. His smile faded and his voice was raspy.
Sean didn’t answer him immediately. “I don’t know. I don’t really want to think about it.” But he had been thinking about it. He could go a few days without food, but it was unlikely either of them could last long past that without water. Well, maybe Mercury could. Sean wondered if he even knew all of the genetic enhancements he’d been given. Regardless, the supplementary gels mixed through the MREs would run out when they did, then it would be down to the grit-filled, cloudy water they’d collected from the well at the abandoned science outpost. He hoped it wouldn’t come down to that. The purification system there had been old, and there was no way to tell if the bacteria it likely contained was benign without drinking some. With extreme rationing, the food could maybe last another four or five days, but it could take even longer to find civilization.
“Are you afraid, Pretty?” Mercury asked.
“I don’t know. I guess if I felt something it would be anger…frustration. I don’t like feeling helpless. And I don’t like being set up.” It wasn’t done out of malice. He’d managed to do his job and remain professional enough to keep from pissing off anyone in the CSD. Like Rodney had told him, he was chosen for more practical reasons. Namely, his military discharge record that mentioned his trouble with jump gates. But it still stung. It still felt like the department he’d served faithfully for years had seen him as disposable. Maybe, because he had very little outside of his job to live for, he was.
“Do you want revenge?” Mercury cocked his head.
“No. Right now I want to get out of this alive.” Maybe revenge could come later, if it was even necessary. While his revenge was a lot less theatric than what Mercury had planned—boring even, by comparison—he liked to believe that going a more indirect legal route would offer the same satisfaction. But he knew it was bullshit. Politics and money were inextricably wound through the justice system. Laws were intentionally vague or so specific, the level of adherence necessary to meet them was often impossible. That’s why he’d declined any offers of promotion. He didn’t want to get sucked into the dark underbelly of government. He just wanted to do his job, help people, catch the bad guys. Before this, before he’d stopped Rodney from shooting him, before he’d made a decision without waiting for a direct order, he could feign ignorance. He could rely solely on his hive-mind, groomed by the military and a father that never ceased to be disappointed. But that time had passed, and now he was faced with a dilemma beyond the obvious physical risk. It was an emotional and ethical one as well. While he wasn’t foolish enough to trust Mercury Fie, he was beginning to think he understood him, at least a little…well, when he wasn’t talking about fairies and crap. And it seemed, if nothing else, there was an emotional dependence growing between them. Whether it was because of loneliness or fear of dying didn’t really matter. Mercury was probably one of the last people Sean ever would have wanted to be stranded with
, but there was part of him that appreciated the challenges it provided—he provided.
“If not revenge, what do you have to live for?” Mercury asked.
“I suppose revenge is what’s keeping you alive?” Sean asked, ignoring the little jab the question had provoked.
“Of course,” he answered with a shrug. “I have nothing else. I’ve never had anything else.”
“Well, sometimes it’s not a question of living for something. It’s just wanting to stay alive long enough to see what’s going to come your way.” Sean combed his fingers through his hair. It felt thick with sweat and pollen from the trees. “Right now, I’d be happy to live long enough to take a decent shower.”
Mercury’s face softened into a smile. “You’re so lovely, Pretty. I wish I’d met you sooner.”
“You probably would have shot me,” Sean said.
“I don’t know if that’s true. You aren’t easy to break, and you haven’t lied to me, even when I know you could have.”
“If our situation was different, how could you know that for sure? What if I’d been put in Princess’s position?”
Mercury stared at him long enough that Sean had to avert his gaze.
“That would never happen. You’re not made that way, and I’ve met enough undercover cops to know. That sort of police work is reserved for the soulless and dishonest. I’ve seen glimpses of your soul. It’s beautiful.”
Sean was battling between the idea of Mercury actually thinking he’d seen his soul and the idea that he was pretty much spot-on with regards to undercover work. “When I was younger, new to the CSD, I had to go undercover to catch prostitutes working without a license. It was a shit job—probably the shittiest one they had and that’s why the rookies got stuck doing it. Some liked it though, past the legal limits. They’d actually engage in some sexual activity before busting the poor girl. I almost believe it was the department’s way of weeding out those who would be bad cops. I had to lie—to women mostly—that I’d pay them for sex. I had to lie to some men as well. It made me…” Sean sighed, remembering how he’d feel every morning when his shift was over and he went home. He felt like a drunk man who’d gone a little too far. The high of convincing these people to spend time with him, the thrill of making the arrest, was short-lived. He’d sit in his tub, the shower raining down over him, feeling dirty and sick to his stomach. “It made me question my motivations for being a cop. I’d struck up conversations with some—a lot of them, actually—before they were arrested. A few of them—very few—had just been lax in renewing their licenses. Some were forced into prostitution as kids and didn’t know any other way. Most were addicts; all of them came from poverty, broken homes. I started wondering how to fix the problem rather than deal with its symptoms. But how do you fix something that’s as old as sentient life and spans galaxies?” Sean sighed. No time to get philosophical. It was just life on Earth these days. The first humans to colonize other planets were not necessarily the best suited to do so, they were the richest, leaving their garbage behind. “Anyway, someone mentioned my dad—something I had avoided doing—and his reputation got me transferred into a better position. It wasn’t how I’d wanted to advance in my career, but I probably would have quit otherwise.”