by Paloma Meir
“Louisa will thank you one day for her beauty.” She looked away for a moment. “When was the last time you were home Zelda?”
“I can’t remember, September, right before my birthday. Ooh, she hiccupped. Should I feed her again? Carolina you have to have a baby. Nursing is going to be my life. It’s such a tranquil feeling. It’s all love.” I put her to my other breast. My drowsy darling latched on. She seemed to have my excellent sleep habits. I held her swaddled body closer.
“I would have to meet someone. I don’t have time for that right now. What was it like to be home again? Did you see any old friends?”
“I don’t remember. My parents had to make a visit to their factory in New York. I only saw them for the first few days. Anthony, I spent time with Anthony.” I shifted Louisa to the other breast, her lips puckered from the feeding. My beautiful, beautiful Louisa.
“Anyone else?”
“I had dinner with Veronica a few times. She is the Queen of West Hollywood. I should call her. Will you hand me my phone? Why are you asking about my trip home? Are you thinking of going back? You beat my record of staying away. It was fun. You should go for a visit. Didn’t you tell me Serge moved back? I can’t believe he lived in Peru for all those years. I miss him. My Louisa, I love you.” I ran my hand across her velvety cheek as she suckled.
“Serge is living with Danny.” Carolina flatly stated.
“Let’s not talk of such things while Louisa is with us.” My heart ached for a moment. A quick flash then gone.
“One last question. Did you see Danny when you went home for your visit?”
“Carolina stop it.” I looked up at her angry and wondered why she would bring him up at this precious time that was meant to welcome Louisa into a world that wouldn’t always be perfect for her.
“Answer me. Did you see him?” I wanted to throw my bedside water glass at her. Astrid’s hand sensed my tension and rubbed deep into the soles of my feet calming me.
“Yes. Please go get Paolo right now.”
Astrid was a jewel. I felt like a grand lady of the manor with her as my loyal handmaiden. She helped me get up, and fluffed my pillows before I lay back down, always rubbing my hands and feet. She would adjust Louisa’s while I was nursing, showing me the optimal positions to hold her. She tried to take her from me to change her diapers but I nodded my head no. She brought me a mat to lay her on and a diaper so I could do it myself.
My family came in and out of the room the rest of the day trying to hold and play with my baby. I found I didn’t want anyone else to hold her. She was so recently out of my body. It didn’t seem fair to separate her from me further, even if it only an arms length away.
Astrid showed me how to swaddle her to my body so I could move around my home. Any trip further than the bathroom would tire me out. It had been a lot of work to push her out of me but the memory of the pain was already fading.
My father and Paolo made dinner that night. They cooked paella, which had lost its charm years ago for me but my guests were visitors to my city so I did not mention that. I pretended it was a great delicacy we would all enjoy. My mother had made the table up taking every pattern of dish and cloth, creating rich tapestry of earthy colors.
Anthony brought in our coziest armchair with a big pillow into our dining room for me to sit on. I felt embarrassed he had been forced to think of my tired private area but knew that he had watched a good portion of the delivery. The thought made me laugh. Everyone looked at me strangely. Paolo came to me, giving me a hug and kiss for Louisa. His smile so big, it seemed it would jump off his face.
I sat down in the chair thankful for the pillow while Astrid stood right behind me. I loved it. She would only be with me for three months. I was already missing her constant attention. I wondered why I hadn’t been born into a royal court of the 1800s. Louisa and I had missed our preferred era. I laughed again. They looked at me again.
The doctor had warned I would be emotional over the following month or so. I thought he had meant crying jags or something sad. I was having happiness jags. My Louisa was my ball of love. Everything would always be good when she was near. I kissed her pink cheeks.
“Hey Zelda. Wake up there’s a world outside of you and your baby girl.” Anthony yelled across our long wooden dining table.
“All of you should come into our world. It’s better. Ooh, my baby girl.” She had such beautiful eyes, so blue. “When does the eye color change?” I looked up at the table and asked. Carolina and Anthony whispered to each other. They had always been antagonistic to each other. It was a relief to see them chatting in a comfortable way.
“About three to six months.” Carolina said, “This is delicious. Is there more wine?” She held out her glass to the table, spilling her drink and causing a commotion. My father and Paolo got up and placed a towel on the table over the stain.
“Do you think they might stay? They’re so bright.” I asked.
“No we come from a long line of dark eyes. I love her hair, so many shades of gold. Half the women at home would trade their husbands for that color," My mother said.
I opened the top of my nightgown and placed Louisa on my breast. The suckling drained my mind, a peculiar feeling of tranquility. I found myself thinking if men could have babies there wouldn’t be any war. They would nurse the day away. Lost in my thoughts of this pro-baby world Astrid began to massage my shoulders. I loved her.
“Can I hold her?” Anthony asked.
“Good luck Anthony she’s only let me hold her once.” I rubbed Paolo’s belly, it felt like mine, and gave him a kiss that may have been too much for our family dinner. Love all around.
“Oh my darling you can hold our baby.” I handed Louisa to Paolo “Only for a moment though.” Astrid’s hand came down and pulled the front of my nightgown together. I had left my breast out. Perhaps I was more tired than I realized.
“You are my family and I’m so happy all of you could be part of my special day. The birth of my one true love, Louisa. Thank you for sharing that with me.” Anthony’s head fell onto Carolina’s shoulder as he laughed, “Stop it Anthony. Oops and Paolo too, it’s his day too.” I took Louisa back from Paolo. “I will pass her around the table. Please only think positive and loving thoughts while you hold her. You’re all on the honor system.”
“Are you going to go New Age on us Zelda?” Anthony continued laughing.
“Stop it Anthony. I know you love Louisa.” I playfully threw my napkin at him. “Why don’t you take Carolina out tonight? There are a lot of nightclubs in the area. If you go around the corner and make a right there’s a particularly decadent looking one. I’ve never been and now that I’m a respectable mother I won’t ever go. Report back to me. I want all the details.”
“Why don’t you come with us? You can dance on the tables. Are you up for that Zelda?" Anthony was getting quite a kick out of me. It reminded me of our hide and seek games when we were little. He would yell out from different places, quickly retreating to his hiding place, or maybe that was Serge. I couldn’t remember.
“I forgot to do that and now it’s too late. You do it for me. I want pictures of you two dancing on tables. I think I may have been to maybe three nightclubs the entire time I went to school in Boston.” I shut my mouth, why was I talking about Boston? “Forget Boston.” I shook my head. “Carolina, remember the night of my 15t birthday? When we snuck out to The Whiskey?” I laughed and then stopped. I felt like I was forgetting something very important.
“Zelda why don’t I take you back to bed? You seem a little tired.” Carolina looked curiously at me. I didn’t know why. I couldn’t read her at all.
“We danced all night, the four of us.” I felt suddenly teary. Carolina came to me and helped me out of the chair.
“Natalie was she allowed to do that?” My father asked my mother.
“No she wasn’t.”
“Statue of limitations,” I called out as Carolina led me down the hallway to my room. Astrid
followed behind with Louisa in her arms. I crawled into my freshly made bed with the help of them. I would have to have more babies. The level of service was something I liked.
“I remember your birthday. You can talk about it if you want. It’s going to be okay.” Carolina said as she took my hand into hers.
“I feel like I’m forgetting something very important. You and Veronica were off somewhere else. Theodora and I danced all night. We were so thirsty. I loved that night. I loved being with the three of you but I’m forgetting something. I want my Louisa to have a night like that one day.”
“Relax Zelda. It was a big day. It will all come back to you. I promise you Louisa will have many beautiful nights like that.”
…
I woke up to the sound of the front door closing. It was still dark out. Paolo lay next to me asleep, Louisa in the bassinet beside me. I looked around my room for Astrid. I hoped that she was standing above me. How regal would that have been? Sadly she was not there. I remembered we set her up in the lounge in my studio. Carolina and Anthony had come home from there night out.
“She was so funny. Motherhood has made her nutty.” It sounded like they were kissing. Could it be? Could this day get any better?
“Let me see the pictures again. I can’t believe I did that. Did you get any pictures of her and Louisa?” Another silent moment, Madrid was for lovers apparently. I reached down and scooped up Louisa and brought her to my breast. I wondered if she would love the goings on of others in the way I always had.
“I didn’t even think about it. You know how she hates to have her picture taken. We’ll do it to tomorrow. I could take some pictures of you right now. Come back to my room.” Carolina giggled. This was crazy. Would they fall in love?
“Stop.” Another kissing noise followed by silence.
“When do you think she’ll figure it out?” Were they going to keep it a secret from me?
“Her mind is a sieve. I don’t even know if she remembers. We need to let it go. We could be wrong.” I must have missed something because that didn’t make any sense.
“You want to go take another look at her face? I’m surprised nobody else noticed.” They must have met someone strange at the club. Madrid was full of colorful people. Lots of kissing noises. I loved it, a passionate night of love so wrong. I hoped she would tell me about it, not the physical side. I didn’t want to know about my brother in that way.
I put my beautiful baby girl down back in her basinet and fell back asleep.
…
“Paolo, Paolo, wake-up let’s play with our baby.” I held my darling Louisa in my arms.
“She’s a beauty like her mother.” He sat up, propping the pillows behind him and took Louisa from me.
“There was excitement last night.”
“Did she wake you up? I’m sorry I should have woken up with you.”
“Nothing like that. She doesn’t cry at all. Carolina and Anthony had a romantic moment in the kitchen. I wonder if she’ll tell me about it?” Paolo took the diaper bag from the side of the bed and began to change Louisa. I hadn’t thought he would be so hands on with the basics. I kissed his cheek.
“I should run down to the shop and get you magazines for your gossip. I remember your happiness when Zapatero’s daughters went through their gothic period.” He laughed his deep laugh.
“That was a special moment. Do you think Louisa will have fun the way they did, the way I always did? Will she love her fashions? Will she rebel only wearing jeans and t-shirts?” I took her from Paolo and held her up above my head. “What will you do to show your independence mi belleza Louisa?”
“She’ll be her Daddy’s girl. She won’t rebel. She’ll spend her days in the University’s gardens reading Mariano Jose de Larra.” He kissed her plump belly.
“Paolo I want to fill our home with babies. I love you so much. Thank you for the sweetest gift.” I put Louisa back in her basinet.
“You don’t mean now?”
“Yes now.” I placed his hand on my breast.
“We will wait. You’re like a child sometimes.” He kissed me lightly on the cheek and removed his hand from my breast.
“I am still sore. How long must we wait? Ask Astrid for me. Maybe I’ll learn German.”
“She’s only here with for a few months. No need to learn another language.”
“When everyone goes back home I think we should only speak Spanish. That will be Louisa’s language. I don’t want to confuse her.”
“No you will speak English to her and I will speak Spanish. It is the best way.”
“Okay my darling.” Astrid came into the room with a tray of breads and coffee. I covered the bread in butter and jam and ate with an unexpected hunger.
“Zelda slow down. I will have Astrid put you on a diet tomorrow. You don’t want to end up as a portly hausfrau.”
“I’m 5.10”, too tall to ever be portly. I like my curves." Although I didn’t like how pudgy my face had become, my body felt positively womanly.
“You are perfect mi tesoro but I’ve seen it happen too many times. A diet. Astrid will allot you an extra 500 calories a day for nursing.”
“All right my love. As long as my calories go to bread with jam and my chocolates.”
“Lean protein Zelda. You’ll thank me for this.”
“I’ll just have to pregnant again as soon as possible. I love you Paolo.”
…
Surrounded by my family and visiting friends, I hadn’t spent any time alone with Carolina. I insisted on taking her to Museo Reina Sofia much to the displeasure of Paolo and my father. They finally agreed with the understanding that Astrid would come along. Fine with me, I thought but didn’t say. I hoped we would spend the rest of our lives together.
Astrid wrapped Louisa to my chest, which was something I hadn’t got the hang of quite yet and off we went in a cab to the museum. The overstuffed diaper bag and a stroller I knew I wouldn’t use in Astrid’s hands. I wore my favorite pink maternity day dress. My regular clothes didn’t fit. Perhaps Paolo was right in putting me on a diet. I would have disliked never being able to wear my regular clothes again.
I overestimated my energy levels. We collapsed onto a bench in the Utopias and Conflicts room at the museum. The surrounding paintings overwhelmed me with their graphic surrealism. Astrid gave me a banana and a bottle of water. My Louisa slept, her head nestled between my breasts that now had a purpose.
“You’re so tired Zelda. Thank you for bringing me here but we should probably have stayed back at your apartment. We should leave when you get your energy back.”
“No. I want to spend the day with you. I’ve missed you so much. I’ve been locked away at home for so long now. Let’s go for lunch after this. I know a restaurant around the corner with plush seating and tapas where we can stretch out and talk the day away catching up.” My body was covered in perspiration and I sensed I had an unpleasant odor. I couldn’t remember if the doctor had told me about that. He probably had.
“I know what happened.” I couldn’t help it. I needed her to tell me about Anthony.
“I’m so sorry. How are you going to tell him?”
“Huh? Is Anthony unaware? I heard you two last night coming in. I’m so excited. My Carolina stealing my brother’s heart.”
“Anthony, oh my gosh. Are you okay with that? I’m embarrassed... the last time I saw him he was thirteen and trying to send me home. He hated me when we were growing up.”
“You know thin line and all of that. I’m so excited. I can’t wait for Louisa to be old enough so I could tell her of the goings on the day she was born. I don’t want to hear details but did you... I’m so embarrassed because it’s Anthony.”
“No I couldn’t do that in your home. I might go back to LA with him for a week. I haven’t seen my parents in at least a year and Serge is back home now. You don’t mind about Anthony?”
“No I love it. You sexy professor.” I laughed, and felt better from the heat wave
that had torn through my body. “He’ll be a senior in two months.”
“I’ll give him a week and then go back to New Hampshire. I’m going to steal your birth experience especially dinner last night and turn it into a story. I hope you don’t mind.” She laughed.
“I would be honored. You know last night... when I said I didn’t remember. I didn’t mean it the way you took it. I remember that night, all of it.” I paused wishing Danny out of my head. “What I meant was... it’s hard to explain... for the past few months I’ve had this nagging feeling I’m forgetting something. I know it’s not my work. I make my lists constantly. I don’t know what it is. It’s frustrating.”
“It will come to you.” She paused and took a deep breath. “You’ll tell me when you remember?"
“It’s probably something silly like a sweater I left at the seamstresses.”