by Paloma Meir
I stomped into the bathroom and got into the shower with her. I wouldn’t let her go but I would give her space to think. We could talk about it later. No fucking way was she going back.
“Baby it’s okay.” She sat in the tub, her knees pulled up to her chest crying. “It’s okay. I’m sorry. Don’t cry. I’m sorry.” She cried more. I pulled her up and held her under the water and washed her hair. She kept crying. I kissed her face. She was hysterical. The travel had been too much for her. Another reason she couldn’t go back.
I took her out of the shower and dried her off. She calmed down while brushing her hair, looking at herself in the mirror, brushing her teeth. I ran my hand up and down her back but didn’t say anything. When she was finished I led her to the bed and sat her down.
“Talk to me baby. I’m sorry. I thought you were here for good because I wasn’t thinking. I was surprised and reacted badly. You know I love you.”
“I know you love me.” She pulled me down on top of her and kissed me, taking her hand to put me inside of her. I took her deeply. She was silent her mouth open and her eyes closed. She was my home. I wasn’t going to let her go anywhere.
Finished she got up as silently as she had lain down and got dressed, packed up her bag and waited in the living room with Serge for me to get dressed.
“Serge you’ll pick me up at 4:00?”
“I’ll be outside. Don’t be late. We don’t want to hit any traffic.”
“We’ll text you to confirm that. Come on Zelda let’s go.” I yelled out to him as I took her hand and led her outside to my car.
“Be there at four and thank you.” She said as I shut the door.
On the drive to the hospital she texted Astrid instead of talking to me.
…
Still silent we walked into my Dad’s hospital room. Nobody was there yet. I assumed my family had overslept. They needed a good nights sleep.
“Danny I didn’t finish my coffee this morning. Could you run downstairs and get me a large one?” She sat down in our chair from the day before by his bedside.
“Anything else?” I wanted to grab her and make everything all right again. I didn’t have any idea of how to do that. She held my Dad’s hand.
“No thanks.” She looked away from me.
I went downstairs to the coffee shop lost to the world. My Dad was unconscious and Zelda was miserable by my making. There wasn’t anything I could do for either of them.
“If you could squeeze my hand once for yes, twice for no I would really appreciate it.
Come on Herbie. I know from the twinkle in your eye that you can hear me. I’m going to miss you the most. If I tell you the whole story again in French will you give me a sign?” I overheard her say as I approached the room, coffee in hand.
She called him Herbie? She quickly spoke in French to him. I didn’t know what she was saying, but I liked it. I didn’t know why I had never asked to her to do that for me. What went on with them? She couldn’t leave.
My family arrived and took seats around the room. Zelda and I sat in the same chair again. She was quiet, holding my hand and massaging it, sometimes taking it and rubbing it against her cheek. I had my arm around her and held her close.
Vanessa and her talked about baby care. My new nephew and her baby were only two months apart. My mom asked Zelda for pictures. She said she had forgotten them at home. My Dad lay on the bed staring up at the ceiling.
“I don’t want to lose you. Take me downstairs for lunch.” She whispered into my ear, her lips lingering for a beat longer than the words.
“Then don’t leave.” I took her hand in mine and led her out of the room.
Outside in the hallway I gently pushed her against the wall, boxing her in. My purpose was to talk to her but the position was too overpowering. We both liked when I would be aggressive with her, instead of talking I kissed her. It was wrong being in the hallway that way but that made it more exciting.
“Live for today little brother.” Brian laughed as he walked by us. I pulled away from her and stared into the sadness of her eyes.
“I can’t let you leave. This is insane.”
“We’ve been over this. I’m going home to Louisa. You’re going to come out as you said you would. We’ll talk all the time. We’ll miss each other and then you’ll be with me... and Louisa.” She ran her hand across my cheek.
“The George V is not your home. It’s a hotel. Your home is with me.”
“Does that mean you’re not coming out?”
“That’s not what I said. My dad’s in the hospital, I don’t know how long he’s going to be like this. I can’t leave him.”
“I was with you when you spoke to Dr. Berman. He’s not in any danger. He’s going to very slowly get better. I know that he would want you to come to me.”
“You’re going to go back to Paris, settle up everything and bring your baby and Astrid back with you here to me.”
“I’m not ready to come back here. What happened to your regret about not coming with me on my semester away? You’re doing the same thing now. I’ve always done what you wanted because I love you. The two times I ask you to do something for me? No you won’t do it. Your playpen in Malibu is more important than me?”
“This will be the third time you’re leaving me.” The cracking sensation was back, filling my head, releasing something better left inside.
“I’m not leaving you, I’m waiting for you. I just want to shake you. You could have come and brought me back anytime you wanted to. You walk around like some kind of he-man Neanderthal but when it comes down to what’s important you’re a coward.”
“My head’s spinning. You have it all wrong “my playpen” is nothing to me. I want to build my life with you. I want us to have our own family. We can’t do that there and you know that.” I somehow managed to tame the brute in my voice.
“I’m not asking you to build a life across the sea. I’m asking for time. We already are your family.” She slunk out from under my arms and walked back into my father’s room.
She stood by my father holding his hand a big smile on her face. He was muttering lalala over and over again. She looked as happy as my mother. It was crowded around the bed with all of them trying to connect with him.
She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek went around hugging and saying good-bye to everyone in the room. I looked up at the clock 3:50. This was it. She was leaving. She picked up the bag and walked out of the room without even a glance my way.
I followed her talking, not making sense, begging her to stay. I was sick of hearing myself say the same things over and over again. She ignored me. In the elevator I tried to take her hand. She moved away from me. I couldn’t say we would do it her way. It was beyond me. I took a deep breath and went back to telling her she couldn’t leave. I couldn’t get control of myself.
The crack in my head moved through my body. I thought I was going to split in half. I forced my fingers through my hair trying to hold it together.
“You’re throwing everything away. Stop it.” She screamed as she got into the car and buried her face on Serge’s shoulder. He flipped me off as they drove away.
I stood outside knowing I had done something irrevocable not understanding how it all had gone wrong. I took out my phone to text her and apologize. I didn’t know what I was apologizing for. I still felt the same way. I wanted her back. She was gone. She wouldn’t come back. I didn’t even know if I wanted to go to her. I loved her and wanted to press rewind. I canceled my text that only repeated the words that I had been saying to her all day and stared into the street numb. I couldn’t even feel the crack anymore.
Chapter Twelve
“I’ve been crying for so long now. Enough. I don’t understand what just happened. Why wouldn’t he listen to me?” I lifted my head from Serge’s shoulder as he drove us away from the hospital.
“I wish I could tell you. He’s been a madman since the first night you called. Every other word out of mo
uth has been about him bringing you home.”
“That’s the funny part. If he had calmed down he would have heard me. I have to come back here, which by the way I don’t think of as home. I don’t have a choice.”
“What does that mean?”
“Something his mother said. I don’t mean to be cryptic. I have to work some things out in my head. He was so different when we talked on the phone... He’s lost his mind.”
“Give him some time, between his father’s stroke and “the great love of his life” coming back into his life, his system overloaded. He’s never been an emotional guy. You know that. He’s all action, always has been.” He patted my hand but otherwise kept his eyes on the road.
“I don’t know that. He’s always been a bundle of love with me.”
“That’s with you. That’s it. Before you came back he went through women... You know that right?” He looked over at me and I nodded my head, “It was a game to him. He was always respectful, never went after the vulnerable but it meant nothing to him. He was the same way in high school, again before you. You woke him up again. He’s confused.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore... Maybe Paolo was right.”
“Let me guess Paolo said something really ugly to you before he left or you left or whatever happened. What are you twenty-seven? If I remember correctly, you walked away from Danny without a word, so this would be your first break-up?”
“It would make me very happy if we stopped talking about my problems.” He was in full big brother mode. I had missed him.
“As I was saying that’s what people do when they break-up, say things that only have a kernel of truth or are sometimes outright lies. Let it go. One question and I’ll leave you alone, okay?”
“Do you have to? I need to get home to Louisa. She’s so far away.”
“According to Danny’s timetable you called him a day or two after ending it with your Spaniard. Why? Because that’s wasn’t really fair to either of you. You couldn’t be alone? There’s therapy for that.”
“Believe me I didn’t want to call him. It didn’t even occur to me that we would back together this way. You’ll have to trust me on that. I can’t go into it because he still doesn’t get it. I’m talking in circles. Tell me about Peru. Tell me anything that isn’t about me. Please.”
I watched him as he drove. I hadn’t seen him in years. His silky hair was a waste in the childish dreadlocks. He had changed so much. He had been so preppy when we were growing up. I couldn’t see that anymore. His eyes and hair were the color of cocoa, his face slightly narrow with dark deep set eyes framed with the most delicate arch of the eyebrow. His lips were the same color of mine with a bit of a cupids bow.
I wanted to fix him up with someone but I didn’t have any girlfriends in Los Angeles other than Veronica and she was far too loud for Serge. Danny had told me in one of our late night phone calls that Serge was as wild as him with the women. Lucky girls.
“I’m waiting to take the bar. I’ve had some offers at a few firms. You know living the dream.” It was so funny to hear him speak in that California slang. He had always been so proper growing up.
“Okay “dude”, why did you come back here from Peru?”
“Say dude again.” He laughed and poked me in the stomach making me laugh which was nice after the way the day had turned out.
“No.”
“Say it.” He poked me again.
“Stop we’re going to get into an accident.” I ignored my own warning and poked him again, “Come on, tell me, why did you come back?”
“There wasn’t much money in being a second rate soccer player in Peru. I took it a little too far. Arturo, you remember him right, my roommate from college? We went down for an adventure and then I stayed too long. Money, I want to make a lot of money. It was either law or finance. I chose law because it seemed like more of a challenge."
“Well that just blew my image of you.”
“Hey rich girl, money is the path to freedom. I’m going to sue the world then I’ll wander off to Madrid the way that you did, or somewhere else. It’s a big world Zelda.” He looked over at me and smiled.
“You’re redeemed.” We were getting close to the airport. I would be sad to leave Serge. “Do something good while you make all of your money. Get an innocent off Death Row, something like that.”
“Yeah “I’ll do something like that”
“I’ve missed you making fun of me.” I poked him again. We pulled up to the curb at the airport. He came to my side of the car and opened the door for me.
“I’m sad to leave you Serge.” He lifted me up and twirled me around as I hugged him goodbye. Landing back on the ground he gave me a kiss on the cheek.
“I’ll miss you too. Lay off the disco and call me if and when you ever come home.”
“I’ll be back by the New Year. I’m adding you to my correspondence list. Good-bye Serge and thanks for everything.”
“Cool I’ll draw you gnarly pictures of me riding waves instead of writing words.”
Chapter Thirteen
I don’t know how long I stood on the street watching the cars go by. Hunger pulled me out of my fugue state. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Food would fix me up. Half of what I was feeling, or not feeling was probably from low blood sugar. I knew better than that, I had been playing sports my whole life. Five small meals a day was the way to go. Keep everything even.
I couldn’t eat in the hospital cafeteria again. As hard as they tried to make it appetizing, the meals were a failure. The scent of cleaning fluids and broken people was depressing. I walked over to Third Street. Most of the restaurants looked crowded. I was too hungry to wait. I stopped in front of an ethnic deli attached to a liquor store. It was empty but was the unknown cuisine worth a stomach problem? I ordered a vegetarian sandwich figuring it would be safer than something meat based.
I sat at a small table inside and powered through the sandwich. The exotic flavors weren’t as bad as I had imagined. I signaled the waiter and ordered a beer thinking that maybe I would get drunk. Bad idea my family wouldn’t appreciate me coming back sloppy. The bell on the door rang and in walked Dr. Berman wearing civilian clothes.
“Dr. Berman” I waved her over.
“I’m off duty. You can call me Sarah.” She sat down at my table. “You’re dad’s doing well. Noises are good. How are you holding up?”
“It hasn’t hit me yet.”
“That’s a common response. You’ll feel it when he’s more stable. Lucky for you have that girlfriend. She’ll take care of you.”
“Zelda?” I laughed, “She’s an old friend. Gone away back to where she belongs.” Nothingness filled me, dead inside.
“Are you like that with all your old friends?” Her turn to laugh.
“So what do you like to do when your not saving people?” Enough talk about the girl who had poisoned me.
“Paddleboard in the summer, snowboard in the winter. I don’t have a lot of free time. I try to make the most of it by being active. It keeps my mind clear.”
“You surf? I live out in Malibu.”
“I’ve tried it but I prefer my paddleboard.”
“You should come out this weekend. Bring your board. We could teach each other.”
“I would love that. I’m on call Saturday, maybe Sunday?”
“Perfect. I have to get going back to my dad. You aren’t a big traveler are you?”
“That’s a non-sequitur. Vail for the winter holidays, that’s about it.”
“Yes it was. See you Sunday.” I wrote my address on the napkin, paid and went home instead of back to my family. I could answer their questions the next day, or best we could all pretend that she had never been here at all.
I pulled up next to Serge’s car in my driveway. I didn’t want to see him. I went around the side gate out onto the beach and lay down on the sand. I was still wearing my traveling to Zelda clothes. I would throw it all away when I went inside. No, I
wouldn’t do that, time to pull it together. I didn’t even want to go back to my beach clothes unless I was actually on the beach. Sand landed on my face.
“You done fucking your life up for the day?” It was Serge.
“Yep.”
“Cool. But if you’re not we could go beat up some little kids. You up for that? There are some twelve-year old punks down by the pier. We could go show them who runs the beach.”
“Funny stuff.” He sat down next to me.
“If you had shut-up and listened to her you would have heard her say that she’s coming home for good in January.”