by Paloma Meir
Lulu grew tired, and I knew what I had to do. She would sleep for a little over an hour on the towel beside Astrid with a little umbrella above her. I didn’t have the keys to Zelda’s house. I borrowed Marco’s car under the pretense of going to the shrimp truck to bring back lunch for everyone, telling him that getting my car out of the valet would take too long. Astrid looked at me and knew I was lying. She shook her head slowly, probably worried that I would send them back on the run throughout the world. I ignored her.
On the road back to her house I questioned myself, what I was doing, why I wanted to risk everything to interrupt them. Risk losing Zelda and Lulu for good. She already thought I was evil; invading her space with Serge when I had brought him to her would be unforgiveable. What I was doing was what they were worried I would do. I slammed the gas pedal making the reckless road more dangerous. All of my selfish controlling behavior came back strong.
I pulled up in front of the secure white wall in front of her house and silently opened the tall wooden door, closing it even more quietly behind me if that were possible. What had I gotten myself into? What was I trying to accomplish? Was I going to pull him off of her? I crept around the side of her house and there they were.
They had spread out a blanket over the grass and had a feast of fruits around them. He was on top of her, his backside moving up and down slowly into her. Her head unmoving, staring into his eyes making soft noises of pleasure. It was painful to watch but I couldn’t stop. He was slow and steady with her. A box of condoms lay on the grass next to them, two open wrappers by their feet. They had only been gone two or three hours. Would they finish the box by dinnertime?
He stopped moving, finished for the time being but didn’t roll off of her. She lay still, running her fingers through his hair as he kissed her breasts. They were into each other on a completely different level than Zelda and I had ever shared. They were gentle with each other, everything soft, tender. I had seen Serge in action before. We had lived together for close to three years in a very small house, but I couldn’t remember if this was his way or something they discovered together. I was all the evilness they expected standing, spying on them. Still I couldn’t move.
“I don’t want you to go, why did we wait so long?”
“The waiting was your idea, you like the game baby.”
“Please stay. It wasn’t enough time.” She put her hand on his face.
“You want me to stay? Say three words and I’ll stay otherwise it’s not real.”
I would get exactly what I deserved if she said those three words.
She was silent.
“Stay for one more day.”
“It was always going to hurt. You misunderstood the word casual because your English isn’t very good.” She laughed, and he kissed her. “Casual doesn’t mean pain free, and truthfully not for one day was it casual.”
“Will you come back to me again?”
“Probably not.” He kissed her again of course.
“Maybe in the next life?”
“You saying things like that are the reason I’m not coming back.” She laughed again. I don’t know why. Serge wasn’t that funny.
I managed to pull myself away and left as quietly as I had arrived.
I got back to beach right when Lulu was waking up from her nap. She jumped into my arms a true Daddy’s girl. I held her tight, my baby girl.
“Hey Danny, where’s the shrimp? We’re hungry here.” Marco asked as he came out of the water flapping the giant flippers on his feet.
“The line was too long. I’ll get us something from the snack shop.”
“Am I going to have start packing again?” Astrid asked in a resigned way.
“And leave all this Paradise? No.” I had behaved badly but Zelda’s silence had made it worth it. It wouldn’t happen again.
They didn’t show up for dinner that night.
…
The next morning was our final breakfast together. Serge was finally going home. Zelda wore large dark glasses and tears fell from underneath them. Her sulkiness from the day before had increased ten fold. She barely paid attention to Lulu. She picked at her morning plate of pineapple. Serge held her hand tightly but otherwise ignored her while talking about the surf with Marco and me. I wanted to hug her, do anything to make her feel better. She wouldn’t have welcomed my attempts to console her and sometimes you just need to go though what you’re going through, you know?
Serge stood up to say good-bye, his hand still holding Zelda’s tightly. Everyone expressed regrets that he had to leave. We wished him a good trip back, inviting him back anytime. Even Astrid seemed sad he was leaving. Serge was like that, everyone always liked him. The tears behind Zelda’s sunglasses flowed.
He reached out his other hand to Zelda for her to walk him out. She shakily stood up and took a sharp deep breath for even bigger tears. I followed them outside. Hey, I brought him here. They walked out together his arm wrapped around her, which wasn’t the way they usually walked around together. Her cries grew louder.
She whaled at the valet stand as Serge handed over his ticket in for the car. He faced her, taking off her sunglasses and putting them on the bench they were standing by. He brushed her hair with his hands and lightly kissed her red tear filled face.
“I don’t want you to go.” Her voice caught on every word. Her crying grew more hysterical.
“You know what’s going to happen? You’ll cry all day and tomorrow you’ll wake up feeling better.”
“I’m never going to feel better.” The other hotel guests began to stare at her.
“You know what I’m going to do?” He was calm with her still giving her little kisses on her nose.
“What?” I worried she was going to hyperventilate.
“When the plane takes off I’ll go into the bathroom and cry all the way home because manly men like me do not cry in front of other people. Okay?”
She smiled through her tears. Her nose was runny. She wouldn’t be happy if she could see herself in a mirror at all. Her tears were over the top. This wasn’t the way she normally cried. It was more like how Lulu reacted if you denied her a second dessert. Lulu had inherited Zelda’s sweet tooth.
He kissed her eyes.
“You’re very salty Zelda. The car will be here soon. Is there anything else left on your list?” That brought her loudest tears yet.
“I’ll make a new list.”
“That would be cheating.” He held her close to him, his shirt soaked through with her tears. She was giving it her all. I wondered if this was part of their game.
The jeep pulled up. I thought she might put her hand to her forehead and fall to the ground in a faint.
“I’m going to go say good-bye to Danny okay? Are you okay here for a second?” She didn’t answer him, just continued with her crying. He released her and walked over to me.
“Thanks Danny.” His eyes were a little on the wet side too. “I don’t know what else to say.”
“Could you drop my car off at my parent’s house? I was going to spend the day on the computer figuring out how to pack up my life without going back but it looks like I’ll be having to care for her all day.” I handed him my car keys.
“You’re really going to do this?”
“This is where I live now.” I shrugged.
“Cool.” He hugged me and walked back to the crying mess of a girl.
“I’m leaving now Zelda.” He sat her down on the bench and kneeled in front of her.
“Please don’t go.” Her body quaked with a new round of tears.
He took her face in his hands and kissed her cheeks and eyes, gentle kisses across her wet face and whispered in her ear. Whatever he whispered calmed her down for a moment. She didn’t look up as he got in the Jeep and drove away. I had expected an epic good-bye kiss. It didn’t happen.
She sat alone on the bench in her heartbroken state. The other hotel guests far, far away from her, sneaking looks every so often.
> I sat down next to her and put my arm around her in a supportive way not a romantic way. She allowed me to keep it there, which surprised me. She continued crying not acknowledging me. That was fine. It was nice sitting with her even if she was making a spectacle of herself.
“Thank you Danny.” Her tears turned into hiccups.
“Do you need some water?” I asked her. The tears came back in a big way.
“I’ll never need water again in my life.” She cried out to the lobby of the hotel. It was getting hard not to laugh at her at this point.
“All right Zelda no more water. I’m going to go in and get you some guava juice. I’ll be right back.” I walked back to the restaurant to get her a glass of juice. The relief of my buddy Serge being gone was strong.
“Let’s go out to the pool okay?” I sat down next to her and handed her the juice.
“In a moment.” We sat on that bench for a half hour before she was able to compose herself enough to speak let alone stand up.
“I think it would be best for Louisa’s sake if you moved into one of the cottages on my property.” She looked trance-like off into the distance.
“I would like that Zelda.” I wanted to do a victory dance but her mood was unstable, better to be calm the way that Serge always was with her.
“I need you to know that I sleep with a gun under my pillow. Marco gave it to me. He taught me how to use it too. I’m a good shot. So don’t get any crazy ideas.”
I wondered how she said these things with a straight face. I liked the idea of her as an assassin.
“I’ll respect your rules and especially the gun you keep under you pillow. Let’s go down to the pool and swim with our daughter.”
She lay on a lounge by the pool fighting off her fits of tears knowing that it was upsetting Lulu. As ridiculous as she was behaving we were all sympathetic towards her. Lulu toddled off to bushes and brought her back a bouquet of plumeria. She took them from her and seemed touched by the gesture but collapsed a moment later pulling one of her gossip magazines over her head to hide her emotional state. I hoped that Lulu was at the age where memories didn’t stick. What did she make of her mother falling apart this way?
Astrid who I found cold most of the time responded with a surprising, to me at least, devotion by rubbing her feet and distracting her with conversation of the good times they had in Paris. They had a curious relationship. Astrid was technically her employee, but she seemed to rule the roost sometimes. They were dependent on each more than friendly.
I hadn’t put much thought into her relationship with Paolo with all the other craziness that had gone on since she came back into my life. In her letter she had only touched on him with relevant information, not wanting to be disloyal to him.
It dawned on me as I watched her morose state by the pool that day how hard it must have been to uproot her life so suddenly and in such devastating way. From everything I had ever heard she had a beautiful life over there in Madrid, a life that suited her perfectly. What was it like to run away on a moments notice the way she had done twice now? Leave everything behind the way that she did?
I was full of epiphanies watching her cry by the pool that day. I didn’t know if was the time of year or the laziness of the island but I understood her deep feelings of loss for Serge. In all of her running around, trying to find a home, get it through my head what was going on, Serge was the only uncomplicated part of her life. He adored her, kissing her all the time, talking to her with calmness. They could call it whatever childish name they wanted to, but he loved her and she loved him in the most innocent way. I wanted to go to the airport and bring him back for her. I felt like crying. My long lost empathy was coming back.
“Is there anything I can get for you?” I asked her.
She pulled the magazine away from her face and tried to speak to me. Her tears overwhelmed her, she put the magazine back again covering her face. Her chest rose and fell with her sobbing.
“Come on Zelda. It’s the last day by the pool. Let’s have some fun.” Marco picked her up over his head and carried her to the pool. Her body still shook with tears. He threw her in.
She stayed at the bottom of the pool long enough that I was tempted to jump in and save her. Suddenly she popped up flipping her long wet hair our way soaking us. She smiled, I could see it was forced, but it was a sign that she was getting her self-control back.
“Come to Mommy Lulubelle. Let’s practice your swimming. Come on Danny we can do it together. She can swim back and forth with us.”
Lulu, I guess now Lulubelle, got into the pool and jumped into her mother’s arms happy to see her smiling again. It was a week of big changes for our daughter. She was tough though, rolling through her Daddy coming back from the stars and two name changes.
I jumped in the pool with them. Zelda struggled to keep up her happy face. I could see that it was work for her. My admiration for her grew as our happy little swimmer swam to each of us. She would be a strong swimmer. I talked about her joining her school swim teams and going onto the Olympics. Zelda kept up with the conversation encouraging my ideas for Lulubelle’s future.
Tired after a long day in the sun and Zelda’s heartbreak. We went back to the rooms and packed up for checkout. Zelda checked under all the beds and drawers making sure nothing had been forgotten. Her travels had made her an expert in the ins and outs of an efficient exit. We were back at her home, now also my home within the hour.
She showed me my cottage and went through the motions of explaining where everything was and the eccentricities of the old little house. Her energy was dropping though she tried to stay upbeat explaining to Lulu, she had gone back to Lulu in her mind on the car ride back, that this was where Daddy lived now. Her tone was artificially charged with energy. She was a trooper.
She had never been much of a cook but she made dinner that night. It was pretty good. I knew that dinner duty would be falling on my shoulders shortly.
She went through the motions of dinner smiling paying special attention to Lulu. Making pleasant conversation with Astrid and Marco. Her social skills were impeccable, a big change from the quiet, sometimes awkward girl she had been. I wanted to ask her questions about where she had picked up her mannerisms, what exactly happened in Bucharest. I wanted to ask her about Serge but she was on autopilot.
Marco and Astrid knew that Zelda wasn’t up for anything else that day and put Lulu down to bed after dinner leaving me to clear the table. She insisted on doing it. After her final trip from the table with all the plates and utensils she went into the kitchen closing the door behind her. I sat on the sofa and looked for the television remote. I noticed that the water was running but no sounds of plates being cleaned could be heard. I thought maybe she had gone outside through the back door to do some other chore and left the water running so I went to the kitchen to turn it off for her.
She sat on the floor, her head in her hands, her tears back, inconsolable. His leaving had hit her hard, or maybe it was me coming back into her life, or the stress of it all, everything hitting her. I don’t know what the old me, or the younger me, before all this craziness would have done because the old/younger me had kept her away from anything unpleasant. This new me was the cause of all of her problems. Bringing her back Serge, him going home instead of me. I couldn’t do right by her no matter what I did.
I turned off the faucet, picked her up off the floor and walked her up to her bedroom. Serge’s hotel logo t-shirt with a Plumeria on it laid on her bed. The sight of it rocked her badly. I put it on the side table and lay her down on the bed. She curled up crying into her arms. I couldn’t leave her like that but didn’t feel comfortable lying down next to her. She had made her rules clear under threat of a pillow gun.
Everything was so bad for her anyway, I turned off her light and got into the bed next to her and held her close to me in the most nonthreatening way possible. A little pink blanket lay at the foot of the bed. I pulled it over us. So far she hadn’t pushed me
away or asked me to leave.
Her tears were contagious. I didn’t sob, but the tears flowed down my face onto her hair. I kissed her head and spoke to her in the least threatening way possible.
“I hate to see you this way. Do you want me to bring him back to you? I’ll leave Zelda. I’ll fly in over the holidays to see Louisa, summer vacations, anything you want. I won’t call her Lulu anymore. I’ve hurt you so much. You’re the only one I’ve ever loved and I keep hurting you. Tell me what to do Zelda. I’ll do it. Serge loves you. I love you. I’ll let you go. I want you to be happy. No more tears for you. Don’t cry anymore. I’ll leave."
“Stay for Louisa. She’s our baby. Thank you for bringing Serge to me. I loved him.” She let out one last cry and then fell asleep in the quick way she always did.