She wanted him to tell her because of what she was to him. Her hand trembled as she lifted the beer to her mouth. The bottle clinked against her teeth.
He swallowed again, as if he needed to remind himself of what he’d done. She reached for his hand, slowly, and twined their fingers.
He glanced at her, and she saw the desperation in his eyes. The need to hold on, because she might not want to touch him after he confessed his sins.
Her hand tightened around his.
“Sonya ran into me in a bar.” He stared out the darkened window, and Emma saw the flush of humiliation sweep over his face. “I’d come back to campus to pick up the rest of my stuff and officially withdraw from the university. Sonya had a crush on me.” He swallowed. “Mrs. Montgomery called it love, but that makes it worse.” He set his beer on the counter. Pushed it away. “I was so drunk that I didn’t remember what happened the night Sonya and I...the night Harley was conceived.”
No wonder he was upset. She touched his face. This was bad. Nathan wasn’t going to forgive himself.
“When she saw me at the bar, she sat down and started talking.”
He tightened his lips and let go of Emma’s hand. “Apparently I was a sloppy drunk. I told her all about my parents, about having to raise my siblings, run the restaurant, leave college. Real pity party.”
“So, being in love with you, she took you home. Tried to ease your pain.” Emma’s voice was soft. Full of regret for Nathan. For Sonya. And for Harley, who hadn’t had a chance to know her father.
“I guess so. Harley was the result.” He swung around to face her. “She can’t find out. Ever. I don’t want her to...to think badly of her mother.”
Or her father. Emma didn’t want Harley to know this about Nathan. It wouldn’t do any good, and it could change their relationship forever. “She knows her mother loved you,” Emma said quietly. “That’s all she needs to know. Harley came from a kind impulse, from a loving gesture.”
“She was born because I screwed up.” His voice was raw. Full of self-loathing. “I was so drunk I didn’t remember Sonya. Don’t remember the night my daughter was conceived.”
She wrapped her arms around him and held on, even when he tried to pull away.
“Don’t you understand, Emma?” His hands were on her shoulders, but she refused to let go. “This is about as ugly as it gets. And you want to hug me?”
Emma lifted her head and studied his face as she held him. “Yes, it was wrong. Horrible. Drunk or not, you should have known better.”
She rose to her toes and pressed a kiss to his mouth, holding his head as he tensed. “But I feel so bad for that young man,” she said quietly. “He lost both his parents so suddenly. He went from being a kid in college to being a parent to his three younger siblings. He went from having almost infinite choices about what to do with his life to having no choices at all. He must have been overwhelmed. So you got drunk. So you went home with a woman who offered a few hours of comfort. I can’t condemn you, Nathan. I don’t think less of you for what happened.”
He pulled her close and held her tightly, burying his face in her hair. “How can you forgive me so easily?”
“It’s not my business to absolve you,” she said quietly. “That would be Sonya, and she’s gone. But since she finally told you about Harley, I think you can assume she’d forgiven you. Or maybe she was never angry at you in the first place.”
He lifted his head and stared down at her. “That night—the night after I packed up my apartment in Champaign—has always been missing. I think I knew something bad had happened. I haven’t been drunk since.”
She held him against her. Had Nathan ever had anyone to hold him when he made a mistake, to tell him they would fix it together?
Anyone to share his burdens?
She didn’t think so. “You need to forgive yourself, Nathan. Yeah, you made a mistake, but you got an amazing daughter out of it.”
“Not sure it’s that easy,” he murmured into her neck. His breath tickled her ear, his mouth brushed against her skin, and heat bloomed inside her. Spread through her veins like wildfire.
She closed her eyes and leaped.
Turning her face to meet his lips, she whispered against his mouth, “The comfort part of the evening is over. Okay? You clear on that?”
“Right.” He sighed against her lips. “Comfort over.”
She nipped at his lower lip. “Come to bed with me. I want to make love with you.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
HIS SHARPLY INDRAWN breath made her quiver with need. Need that was echoed in the tension of his body, the sudden tightening of his hands on her back. “Emma.” His voice was ragged. “After all this?”
“Yes,” she said fiercely. “You’re not that man anymore.”
“You sure?”
“I’m positive.” She’d been so busy trying to figure out what kind of future they had, how they would handle this complicated situation that she had forgotten to live in the moment. She didn’t always have to know every step before she took the next one. Sometimes, it was okay to play it by ear.
Scary to begin living that way with something this important. Something that mattered so much.
But she wanted Nathan enough to overcome the fear.
Then his mouth was on hers, his arms iron bands around her. He kissed her desperately, as if he’d die if he didn’t.
She cupped the back of his head, felt the soft strands of his hair slide through her fingers as she kissed him back. She was in the air, falling. She wasn’t going to look down now. If there wasn’t a net, it was too late.
“Emma,” he murmured. He eased away from her mouth, nibbled at her ear. Kissed her neck. He stroked his hand down her back slowly. Rhythmically. As if he was soothing a skittish animal. “You’re thinking very loudly.”
She drew back far enough to see his face. “I...I don’t do this.”
“You don’t have sex? Ever?” He pressed his lips against the corner of her mouth, but she could tell he was smiling.
“Not spontaneously. Not without planning. Without talking about it.”
“I’d love to talk about it.” He kissed his way down her neck. “Tell me what you like. What you want me to do.”
The gentle teasing in his voice, the careful way he held her, made some of the tension drain from her shoulders. “That’s not what I meant.” Her arms were wrapped around his neck, holding him against her.
“You want to talk about what I like? What I want you to do?” He nuzzled the neck of her sweater away from her skin, pressed a kiss against her chest. “When it comes to you, Emma, I’m easy. You do it, I’ll like it.”
“I can’t think straight,” she murmured, pressing her lips to his. “I want you, Nathan.”
“You’ve got me,” he whispered against her lips, holding her gaze. “After tonight? After telling me you understand, that you don’t condemn me?” He kissed her again, this time with tenderness. “Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you.”
Forever. That’s what she wanted.
She closed her eyes against the thought. Don’t be silly, Emma. This was about tonight. Nothing more. There was no forever with Nathan. He wanted freedom. Space. A new life.
So she’d settle for this stolen moment. For whatever time they had. “I want you to take me to bed,” she whispered.
Instead of taking her hand and leading her up the stairs, he kissed her again. Nibbled at her lower lip, bitin
g gently, soothing with his tongue. Rubbed his lips against hers, until she opened her mouth and moaned.
He accepted her invitation, sweeping inside. He tasted of the sharp hops of the beer, the decadent chocolate of the brownies Frankie had given them. And desperate need, barely held in check.
He continued to kiss her, seducing her even though she’d already told him she was his for the taking.
“Nathan.” Her voice was breathy. Weak. Needy.
“What, Emma?” He slid his tongue along her lower lip, making her shiver. “What do you want?”
“More.” She tugged his shirt out of his jeans and ran her hands up his chest. His skin was hot against her palms, his muscles tense. “I need more. I want to touch you. I want you to touch me.”
“I’ve dreamed about touching you,” he murmured. He trailed his mouth over her cheek, pressed kisses down her neck. “Dreamed of my hands on you. Of your hands on me.”
He tugged the neck of her sweater down, kissed the swell of her breast. Then his hands slid down her sides, grabbed the hem. Drew it slowly higher, until he revealed her black bra.
“Emma,” he breathed. He cupped her breasts, tested their weight in his palms. Brushed his thumb over their tips. She sucked in a breath as lightning shot through her.
She reached for his shirt, tore at the buttons. Shoved it open and pressed her mouth to his skin. Felt him tremble, then tense.
Panting, he fumbled to open her bra and threw it on the floor with her sweater. Then they were chest to breast, bare skin to bare skin. He stroked his hands over her back, and she felt him shaking. His mouth found hers again, and this time there was nothing gentle about their kiss. Nothing seductive. It was all urgency and heat and possession.
Without breaking the kiss, he backed her up. She bumped into the wall and didn’t care. She couldn’t let him go long enough to walk upstairs. Didn’t want any space between them.
When they reached the stairs, he pressed her against the wall and surged against her. She wrapped one leg around his hip and moaned when the hard length of his erection burned into her. She felt the vibration of his answering moan in her mouth.
“Upstairs,” he said, without taking his mouth from hers. “Now.”
They staggered up the stairs one step at a time, mouths fused together, hands exploring.
She stumbled on a stair, and he caught her. He tripped as he leaned toward her, and she held him up. Finally they stepped into a darkened room, but she saw nothing but Nathan. Nothing but his eyes on hers, pupils dilated to black, his face taut with need.
He eased her onto his bed and followed her down, legs tangled, his hands on her face, holding her against him. He kissed his way down her throat, over her collarbone, down to her breasts. He sucked at her skin, making her lift into his mouth.
“Please, Nathan,” she moaned. “More. I need...I need...”
He licked gently at one of her nipples, and she arched into him as her desire spiked higher. When he suckled her, she couldn’t hold back a sharp cry.
When she was moving against him, desperate to feel him everywhere, he slid down her chest, down her belly, and unbuttoned her jeans. She felt his hands shaking on her skin, their heat burning into her. Then he tugged the jeans down along with her underwear and she was naked beneath him.
He kissed her belly, began to move lower, and she grabbed his hair to stop him. “Your clothes. Off. Now.”
He pressed his mouth into the crease between her thigh and her abdomen, then stood up to send his shirt flying, shove his jeans and boxers to the floor. She reached for his penis, smoothing her thumb over the broad head, grasping the thick shaft, loving the way his hips twitched.
He turned and fumbled in the drawer of his nightstand and pulled out a foil packet. He tore it open, sheathed himself, then bent and kissed her abdomen.
“Should we talk now, Emma?” he asked between kisses. “About what I’m going to do to you?” He moved lower. “How I’m going to taste you?” Lower, until his breath washed over her. “How I’m going to make you come?”
“Nathan,” she moaned, lifting her hips. Holding her breath.
Then he put his mouth on her. Licked her once. Suckled gently, and she exploded, waves of pleasure crashing through her, over and over. Her cries echoed in the darkness, and she reached for him.
She pulled his mouth to hers, wrapped her legs around his waist and cried out again as he slid into her. As he moved, she felt the tension build again. She searched for his mouth, kissed him deeply. And when he cried out her name and shuddered, she went over the edge again. This time, with him.
As their breathing slowed and her heart stopped thundering against her chest, she curled into Nathan. Her head was pressed to his chest and their arms and legs were tangled together. He smoothed his hand down her back, over and over. She inhaled his scent and held him tightly. She didn’t want to let him go. Ever.
Finally, he turned and kissed her cheek. “I think I like your talking idea. I’d like to do a whole lot more of it.”
She tucked herself into his side until they were touching everywhere, then tightened her thighs around his leg. He tensed and his breath hitched.
“What’s wrong?” She lifted her head, swallowed when she saw his clenched teeth. “Did I hurt you?”
He struggled to untangle their legs, then pulled her against his side. “No. Maybe. Just a little. Damn leg.” He eased her across his body until she was pressed against his right side. “Haven’t done this since...”
“Since you were injured?” She pressed a kiss to his neck. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about your leg.”
“Didn’t want you to.”
She felt him flexing his leg and she propped herself on her elbow. Saw too many pale scars on his left thigh. One was jagged, one straight and surgical. The others were small white dots up and down his thigh.
She put her hand on his thigh and caressed him. Let her fingers linger over each mark, each reminder of his ordeal.
Finally he took her hand and kissed her palm. “No one’s seen my leg besides the doctors and nurses. I’d forgotten how shocking all the scars are.”
“Not shocking.” She leaned over his body and kissed the jagged scar. “Just a reminder of what you went through. That you survived.” She bent and kissed the surgical scar. “How glad I am that you did.”
“Emma.” He sighed as he gathered her close. “You make me feel whole. Like there’s nothing wrong with me.”
“There isn’t.” She lay back down, left her hand on his left thigh, her fingers touching the hard, smooth scars. “There’s not a thing wrong with you, Nathan.”
* * *
NATHAN PUT HIS hand over Emma’s, pressed her palm against his scars. She was wrong. There was plenty wrong with him. But starting tomorrow, he was going to make it right. Fix it for her. For Harley.
He didn’t want to be that man anymore. The guy who’d screwed up the restaurant. Who’d gotten a woman pregnant while he was drunk. Who’d been afraid to change his life, afraid to take a chance. Afraid to follow his dreams.
He wanted to be better than that. Better for her. For Harley.
He’d start with Shaughnessy. Talk to him again. Maybe then he could leave the past where it belonged and move on.
Then he’d talk to Paddy about the restaurant case. No one had been able to find anything solid. Maybe he was reacting out of guilt instead of logic. Maybe Emma was right. Maybe he’d only wanted there to be a crime t
o take away some of his culpability.
But tonight...tonight he had Emma in his arms and in his bed. He wasn’t going to waste a minute of it. “Emma,” he murmured, pulling her against him and tracing his tongue along the curve of her ear. “I think it’s time we talked again.”
Hours later, the shrill ringing of the phone beside his bed startled him out of a deep sleep. He rolled over to reach it and found a warm body curled into him. Holding him.
Her blond curls were tousled and wild on the pillow. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was regular. She must sleep like the dead if the phone didn’t wake her.
It rang again and he reached across her. “’Lo?”
“Nathan?” Harley’s voice. “I tried to call your cell. Emma’s, too. No one answered.”
“We must have left them downstairs,” he managed to say. “We were both pretty tired last night.” Not too tired to stay up half the night making love.
“Frankie gave me this number and made me call. We’re going to FreeZone now.”
“Okay. Thanks. I’ll let Emma know. She...we...will pick you up this afternoon. Okay?”
“Yeah. See you then. Bye.”
The phone clicked and he leaned over Emma again to replace it in the charger. As he slumped back to the bed beside her, her arms came around him. She snuggled her head into his shoulder. “Think she bought the story about forgetting our phones because we were soooo tired?” Her voice was a little raspy. Sexy.
“We did forget them.”
“Being tired had nothing to do with it.” She grinned up at him, her brown eyes twinkling. His heart was suddenly too big for his chest.
“No. I couldn’t think of anything but you last night.” He kissed her and she wound her arms around his neck and pulled him close.
“Make love to me, Nathan.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
EMMA ROLLED OVER in bed, squinting as the light hit her eyelids. As she struggled to sit up, the muscles in her thighs protested, and she remembered. Nathan.
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