“Yes – well – it’s nice of you to say so – Andy and Bruce have said much the same things and I’d like to believe them.”
We sipped our brandy in silence for a moment. Then Dan spoke.
“From what Ma’s told me, there’s more to this Robbie business than Heather having a baby and then dying of a drug overdose isn’t there?”
“Oh, yes, there’s more – stuff I’ve still not told Rosie – things only Michael and I know.”
“So are you going to tell her the whole story now?”
“I think I have to – yes - as soon as she’ll let me - I have to.”
Chapter Twenty Five
Next morning, Max and the girls were up early. They were excited at the thought of going to see Rosie. All had bits of news to tell her.
Max had recently been to visit the high school in Edinburgh that his siblings attended, and where he would be starting as a pupil in August. He was keen to tell his mother all about it. He also had his school concert and primary seven leavers’ ceremony on the coming Wednesday evening and he had a ticket order form for Rosie, for these events. I doubted Rosie’d be up to going. But I couldn’t say anything, of course.
Jenny was also hoping that Rosie’d be at the prizegiving at her school on the following Monday. Jenny was receiving the fifth-year music prize and still had to give her mother the good news. And she wanted her mother to see her playing one of the Pink Ladies in the school’s production of Grease.
Sam was quiet over breakfast, while the other two chatted about the forthcoming final week of their school year. But she did say she’d be telling Rosie about the good dinner I’d cooked the previous evening, and that Robbie and I had got on well. She said that was the sort of news that would make her mum want to come home. She also suggested that, in view of all the end of term stuff happening the next week, it would make even more sense for Rosie to come home very soon.
The other two were very taken with Sam’s assumptions. It was gut-wrenching to see the children so excited and happy at the prospect of visiting their mother and of her, as they saw it, imminent homecoming. I didn’t have the heart to even try to dampen down their expectations.
Kirsty and my mother arrived at about half past ten to collect the children. It didn’t seem to have occurred to any of the children that it was strange to be taken to see their mother. After all they normally got to Edinburgh under their own steam, or I could have dropped them off. Rosie’d said to them that Grandma wanted to come too but Grandma’s car wasn’t big enough for them all. She explained Kirsty’d offered to drive them in, as she was shopping in the city anyway. They seemed to have accepted the arrangement without question. As the children got themselves organised to depart, I had a brief chance to talk to my mother and Kirsty.
“They’re all excited about seeing Rosie,” I said. “It’s going to be so hard for them when she breaks the news about the cancer. They were actually saying that they think she’ll be ready to come home.”
My mother gave me a hug and said she’d do her best to help them. Then Max shouted that he couldn’t find his trainers and she went off to help him.
“It’s good of you to be taking the time out to drive them to Edinburgh,” I said to Kirsty. “You must have lots of weekend stuff of your own to do. I don’t understand why Rosie didn’t ask me to drive them.”
“I don’t think it’s any reflection on you, Tom. It’s going to be difficult enough to tell the children her news – without – without - well…”
“Without my presence making it even more difficult for her.” I finished for her.
“Sorry, Tom –I didn’t mean…”
“No, it’s all right. I’m glad you’re going along – really I am – if it can’t be me. You are a really good friend to her, Kirsty – so is Lucy. Was it you who was with her when she phoned yesterday evening, or was it Lucy?”
“It wasn’t me. And Lucy’s away for the weekend with Graham – the boys are home, minding the farm. Why do you ask?”
“Oh – just curious,” I said, trying to sound casual. “Rosie phoned to check that everything was sorted for today. She said she wasn’t feeling very well and I offered to go over - so she wasn’t on her own. But she said there was no need for me to go as she wasn’t on her own.”
“Right – well it’s good she wasn’t alone,” replied Kirsty. I may have imagined it, but she looked a bit uncomfortable. She certainly seemed keen to change the subject. “Adam’s not changed his mind about coming?” she asked.
“No – he’s still angry with us. Rosie’s asked me to tell him about the cancer and to try again to persuade him to come home.”
Kirsty raised her eyebrows. “That’s not going to be easy. When will you do it?”
“I thought I’d go later on today – in the afternoon, before the others come back. I think Adam should know about Rosie when his brother and sisters do. But you’re right - it’s not going to be easy. I just wish he’d come back. I know it’s only been a few days, and Ruby’ll look after him, but I want him here with the others. He’s the most vulnerable of all of them.”
“Of course you want him home. But don’t underestimate Adam either. He’ll get his head round it all in his own good time. He’ll be back.”
“I hope so, Kirsty. I’ve made such a mess of things, haven’t I?”
Kirsty shook her head and smiled at me. “What matters is what you’re doing now, Tom. You’re doing a great job, holding it all together – keeping things as normal as possible for the other children. Your mother was saying how she didn’t need to stay here much at all. She said you and Sam are doing a great job of looking after Max and everything else. She also told me about your intention to cut your working hours – that can’t have been an easy decision. It’s something I often considered when Eilidh was younger – but financial considerations always made it difficult. At least, I used that as an excuse not to go part time.”
“At least you thought about it – I never did. But I can see Max needs me to be here – and after today – even more so. And I’m still not doing as much as Rosie did for us all. I mean it’s nice of you to say I’m doing a good job, but Rosie did it for years and I don’t think anyone ever told her they admired her.”
“Well, no – I never told her – but I did admire her – I used to think she was as much a single parent as I am, with you working so much.”
“In the end it was quite an easy decision – about work I mean – something I should’ve done years ago. Maybe, if I had, I wouldn’t have lost Rosie.”
“That’s the benefit of hindsight, Tom. And Rosie’s never been one to admit she can’t cope. She likes being in control. I don’t know that she could’ve handed over the mothering stuff to you before. Her leaving - it’s not only about you. It’s very hard for her being away from the children – especially Max - but she really believes it’s best for them. She’s so scared of them seeing what she witnessed, when her own mother had cancer. This way she can see them when she’s having good days and spare them the bad ones.”
“Maybe…”
“Come here – you need a hug,” Kirsty held out her arms and I stepped into them. It felt good, to hold and to be held. It felt very different to holding Rosie, but it was soothing and a momentary salve to my loneliness.
Kirsty looked up at me “It’s just bad timing, Tom - Robbie arriving when Rosie was already at low ebb and then the cancer diagnosis on top of that. You’ll come through this – you will. Hang in there.”
I couldn’t help thinking that a strong relationship would have survived these events, without resulting in a separation, but I didn’t say so. I just hugged her close once more.
“Thanks, Kirsty,” I whispered.
“Any time,” she replied, softly.
“Sorry to interrupt.” My mother was back. “We need to get going, Kirsty. The children are ready and Rosie will be waiting.” She spoke sharply.
Kirsty quickly stepped away from me. “Of course, yes, sorry. I’
ll go and open the car. Bye, Tom.”
“Bye, Kirsty – and thanks again.” As Kirsty left the room, my mother gave me a disapproving look.
“What? Why are you looking like that?” She shook her head at me. “Oh no – no,” I said. Now it was me shaking my head. “No, Ma, you can’t, you don’t think I – that Kirsty and me – no, Ma!”
“No, Tom I don’t think you are, but I do think you need to be careful. You’re vulnerable - and you and Kirsty – well you’re both lonely – it would be easy to… Well, you know. And it wouldn’t be right, Tom – not for you or Kirsty –and-”
“Stop it! Stop it, Ma. Kirsty was simply offering a shoulder to cry on – being reassuring. She said I was doing a good job of keeping my family – what’s left of it - together. It was just a hug between friends. How can you think it would be anything more?”
“I’m sorry, Tom – I’m just worried for you and for Rosie. I suppose I’m trying to keep my family together too. But I do know what it is to be lonely. Just be careful.” She reached up and stroked my cheek and then she turned and walked towards the front door. I followed her along the hall and said goodbye to the children. I couldn’t watch as the car drove off.
I was finishing clearing away the breakfast debris when Robbie appeared in the kitchen. I’d almost forgotten that he and Dan were both still in the house.
“Good morning,” he said shyly.
“Good morning,” I replied. “Did you sleep well? I don’t know how comfy that sofa bed is.”
“Yes, it was fine. I woke up a while ago, but I thought I’d wait till the others left before coming through. I thought you’d want to be with all of them - without me in the way.”
“You wouldn’t have been in the way, Robbie, but - thanks.” Not for the first time, I thought what a good job his adoptive parents had done raising him. And I marvelled at how generous they were being about the time he was spending with us. “And your mum didn’t mind you staying?”
“No, she was just worried that I was outstaying my welcome, but I told her that it was you that asked me to stay, not the other way round.” He yawned and stretched and scratched at his hair. He looked so like Adam when he did it. For a moment I couldn’t speak. I could only stare at him.
“Are you okay?” Robbie asked.
“Yes, yes - sorry – I’m fine – sorry. Do you want some breakfast?”
“Yeah – toast and tea – I can get it myself – if you tell me where the stuff is.”
Having shown him where to find things, I said I was going for a run and that I’d take Toby with me. I told him Dan might appear at any time and to say to him to help himself to breakfast too.
It was a lovely morning – already very warm. The tide was well out. There were other joggers strung out along the length of the beach, as well as dog walkers and couples strolling hand in hand. Even although it was only mid-morning, there were already family groups appearing on the beach with rugs and windbreaks, forming their separate camps on the sand.
There was a young father coaxing two toddlers, twins I reckoned, to leave the security of their blanket and to step out onto the sand with him. The mother laughed from where she was sitting on the blanket. I found myself wondering what troubles might await this happy little family group in the future. The young mum caught my eye and smiled. I thought of a younger Rosie with our twins. I smiled back and then I ran.
I ran hard along the length of the beach. I wouldn’t let myself think about Rosie or the children. It was more than I could bear to let myself imagine how it was going to be for all of them today. Toby, who was still being a bit off with me at times, came along, but rather grudgingly I felt. He gave up trying to keep up and went off down to the sea for a swim. He loves the water, but he is not often allowed to partake because of the mess he makes back at the house as he shakes the sand and salt water from his coat. But, that day, I appreciated his need to do something he enjoyed and, for a short time at least, to be free from worrying about other things. I knew Toby probably didn’t actually have the capacity to worry - but he was definitely missing Adam and was not his usual self. So I left Toby to his swim, and I ran and ran until I could run no more. I doubled over trying to catch my breath. My chest hurt and my leg muscles were protesting. I thought how embarrassing it would be for me, a cardiologist, to keel over here, on the beach, with a cardiac arrest. My legs buckled and I fell down on my knees. I was gasping for air. Toby appeared. He barked and then let out a little whimper. He licked my face and whimpered again. He sat down beside me. A shadow fell across me. I felt a hand on my shoulder. Toby barked. A voice said, “Shut up, Toby.” He went back to whimpering.
“Crikey, Tom! Breathe mate, breathe. You were going at a hell of a speed – remember your age, old man.” I looked up. It was Dan. I fell back on the sand. He knelt down beside me. “Tom, can you hear me?”
I nodded.
He put his ear to my mouth. “That’s it, keep breathing,” he said. He took my pulse. “Crikey,” he said again and dropped my wrist. “Are you all right?” I nodded again. “Do you need a doctor – an ambulance - or something?”
I shook my head and made a face at him. Wasn’t he a doctor? Eventually I could speak. “Where did you spring from?”
“I’ve been trying to catch up with you all the way along the beach. Robbie told me you’d gone for a run and I fancied joining you. I had my running stuff in the car and he said you’d just left and I’d easily catch you. Didn’t you hear me calling after you?”
“No – sorry – I wanted to push myself – to clear my head of it all for a while – you know?”
“You nearly cleared it permanently. I thought I was going to have dredge up what I could remember of CPR there.”
“Yeah – trust me to collapse – and the only doctor around is a bloody psychiatrist.”
“Lucky I was here – you cheeky bugger! I’m no expert but you shouldn’t be pushing yourself as hard as that. You were a bit blue around the gills there. You were holding your chest in an alarming way too. When was your last health check – blood pressure, cholesterol, all that?”
“Never you mind,” I said.
“What do you… You’ve never had them checked have you – you haven’t, have you? Christ, Tom – you of all people-”
“Yes, yes I just haven’t got around to it. I’m fine – I’m not overweight and I jog regularly.”
“Oh yeah, you’re clearly as fit as a fiddle. Look. promise me, bro’ - promise me that you’ll go and get a check up.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said. Dan shook his head.
We walked back to the house at a sedate pace. Even Toby walked slowly and kept very close to me. Once we were back, Dan said he wouldn’t come in and that he’d get off home for a shower and something to eat, if I was sure I was okay. I assured him I was. He said he’d come back later to see how we were all doing.
Chapter Twenty Six
Robbie was getting ready to leave when I walked in. I couldn’t face being in the house on my own, so I said that if he didn’t mind waiting while I got a shower, I’d drive him up to Edinburgh. He said a lift would be great and he’d call his mum to let her know. Then he offered to hose Toby down while I was getting ready. And, even though Toby knew what was coming as Robbie opened the back door and called him, and despite the fact he hates the hose, Toby went willingly, in a way he would normally only ever do for Adam.
When I came back down to the kitchen, Toby was getting a blow dry. He looked blissful, as if, at any minute, a grin would break over his doggy face.
“I hope Jenny doesn’t mind. I’ve borrowed her hair drier,” said Robbie.
“Well, Toby’s certainly not minding,” I said, laughing. “He usually has to make do with his stinky old towel.”
Robbie switched the drier off. “That’ll do you,” he said, patting Toby’s back. Toby looked hopefully at the drier. “No more,” said Robbie. “Go and lie down.” The dog retreated to his basket and curled up.
“You’re
a hit with Toby. He’s missing Adam. He’s mostly Adam’s dog really – he just tolerates the rest of us. And he’s been in a real huff with me since Adam left. It’s like he knows it’s my fault.”
“But it’s not your fault. It’s down to me. I really messed things up and you’re all being so nice to me. Maybe I should stop coming round.” He looked really stricken.
“Robbie, I told you yesterday, none of this is your fault. Now, no more talk of stopping seeing us. You promised Rosie you’d be around for Max and the girls, didn’t you? And apart from that – I want you around.”
He seemed to relax a little and he grinned shyly. “Thanks, Tom. I guess I’ll be coming back then,”
“And besides – who’ll peel the potatoes for me if you’re not around?” I said smiling back at him.
Before we headed off to Edinburgh, I called Adam and prayed he’d answer. He did. I asked if I could come to see him later that afternoon. He sounded a bit wary, but he said he wasn’t working till the evening and yes, he would see me. Part of me rejoiced that he’d agreed and part of me was filled with dread because of what I was going to tell him.
Once through Leith, we headed out along Ferry Road towards the Muirhouse area where Robbie lived. “You’ll need to give me directions from here,” I said, turning down Pennywell Road. Within a few minutes we were drawing up outside Robbie’s place.
The house was a neat and modern white-walled semi, situated next door to a primary school. Robbie told me, with obvious pride, that his mum was the school janitor. I’m ashamed to admit I was amazed because I never thought that a woman could - or would want - to be a janitor. The area looked a lot different to the last time I’d been there, when Robbie was a baby. There had been a massive amount of demolition and regeneration.
Change Of Life Page 18