Forbidden

by R. R. Banks

  They didn't know how quickly things could change.

  I pulled out of the parking deck and started away from campus.

  "Now can you tell me where we are going?" Veronica asked.

  "Well, actually, I was hoping that you would tell me."

  "What? What do you mean?"

  "I need your help choosing a gift."

  "A gift?"

  "The granddaughter of my head housekeeper is turning eighteen. I want to do something for her, but I don't know what she would like. I was hoping that you would be able to give me some ideas."

  I could still remember the day that Cecilia was born. Louise had been with my family since I was a child, starting first as just a member of the cleaning staff and then progressing her way through the ranks until she ran the household. She had only one child herself, a son around my age who I had sometimes played with when I was young, but who I had lost touch with over the years as he formed his own interests and then left to start his own life. He came back to announce all at once that he had gotten married and was expecting a child soon. That had been hard for Louise, a mother who had devoted herself to him with everything that she could, but despite the pain that it had caused her to know that her only son's life had unfolded without her, she had opened her arms to him, welcoming the sudden family back into her life without question. The arrival of Cecilia had been one of the most thrilling and beautiful days of Louise's life. She had been so excited to become a grandmother, so excited to see the next generation of her family come into the world.

  There had been such a mix of emotions for me that day as I walked into the hospital and stood beside Louise at the window to the nursery. We looked down at the baby, her tiny hands pulled in to her chest and her eyes closed against the light that was still so unfamiliar to her, and I felt myself coming apart inside. I felt happiness for Louise and for the new parents that were just beginning their lives with this wonderful little being that they had created, but there was an ache inside me that I couldn't ignore. There was a pain in my chest, as though the hollowness that had begun like a small hole was getting larger, dissolving away everything as it expanded. Soon it would fill me, taking everything with it.

  I hadn't said anything to Louise that day. Even when she looked at me with the sadness in her eyes that softened the edges of the joy that shined out of them. Even when she rested one aged hand on my back and tried to pat it comfortingly. Even when she said that she didn't think that I would come. I just stood there and stared through the glass at the baby, my hand shaking on the handle of the gift bag that I held.

  Now that I was shopping for another gift for that child so many years later, I didn't even remember what that first one was. My wife had chosen it weeks before and wrapped it, the last gift that she would ever wrap. I didn't want to hand it over to Louise that day. I was so aware of the touch of her fingers on the gift bag and didn't want to separate myself from even that lingering remnant of her.

  It was hard to believe that that was eighteen years ago. That little baby was grown now, an adult ready to embark on her own life. There was a part of me that still wanted to push thoughts of Cecilia away and not have to bring myself to acknowledge her or the fact that it was her eighteenth birthday that was coming. It was a milestone that I should have marked six months ago, but that day came and went in silence. The other part of me, though, knew that this was what I should be doing. Louise had been an important part of my life for a long time and I wanted to show her my appreciation by marking the meaningful occasion. I just didn't know how.

  That's how I hoped that Veronica could help me. It wasn't too many years ago that she was turning eighteen. Maybe she would be able to give me an idea for a gift that Cecilia would appreciate and that would have some meaning.

  "What kind of gift do you want to give her?" Veronica asked.

  "I don't know. I don't even know where to begin."

  "How well do you know her?"

  "I've known her since the day she was born and her grandmother has been with my family since I was just a child. I haven't spent a lot of time with her personally, but her grandmother is important to me."

  She nodded, the look on her face indecipherable.

  "Then let's go to Shady Grove. We can narrow down the options once we get there."

  I nodded in agreement and started toward the open-air mall that had been built on the edge of town just a few years before. I had been to it only once to attend the rehearsal dinner for a colleague's wedding and I remembered walking through it feeling like I had wandered into some strange little town inhabited only by those who also worked in the clusters of shops and restaurants, leaving the windows to the apartments above them dark. I knew that they were just facades, built to resemble apartments to make it seem more like little neighborhoods than a sprawling commercial district, but there were still moments when I felt like there were eyes staring down at me. It was unnerving and an experience I wasn't eager to repeat, but I knew that it would give us the best opportunity to explore different options and find something that was right for Cecilia.

  "Tell me about her," Veronica said as we made our way through the entrance to the shopping center.

  The air was warm but there was a touch of the beginning of fall in it that felt strangely nostalgic and calm. I was glad for the lightweight sweater I wore, sleeves pushed up to my elbows. Just stepping into the pools of shadow created by the uneven architecture of the buildings and the trees arranged throughout the wide walkways and open courtyards like tiny parks brought a slight chill and I knew that the stores would still have their air conditioning systems pumping to battle the last gasps of the summer weather that had stayed with us over the past weeks.

  "About Cecilia?" I asked.

  She nodded.

  "Yes," she said. "I need to know something about her if you want me to help pick a present for her that she'll like."

  "Like what?" I asked. "What do you want to know about her?"

  Veronica looked ahead of us and shrugged.

  "I already know she's turning eighteen, but what else? What kinds of things does she like? How does she dress? What type of music does she listen to? What does she want to study in college? What does she do for fun?"

  The questions came at me in a barrage and I realized that I didn't really know the answer to any of them.

  "I don't know," I said.

  My voice came out powdery and Veronica turned to look at me, her eyes narrowed.

  "What's wrong?" she asked.

  I turned to look fully into her face and felt the thoughts that had flowed into my mind crystallize. It didn't bother me that I didn't know those things about Cecilia. I didn't feel that I needed to have personal knowledge about her. I was kind to Louise and I wanted to do what I could to show my appreciation for her by acknowledging the person in the world she loved more than anyone, even though I saw her only a few times each year. The twist in my heart came from a freshly opened wound, the realization of all the things that I didn't know about a child who I never had a chance to watch form his own thoughts and opinions, to choose his clothing or pick a hobby, or even to celebrate a birthday with.

  "Nothing," I said, forcing a tight smile. "I'm just not sure where to start. Maybe this wasn't a good idea."

  "No," she said with a soft smile. "I think that it's very nice of you to want to give her something for her birthday. I'm sure it will mean a lot to her, and to her grandmother."

  I tried to think harder about anything that Louise told me about Cecilia and anything that I could remember from the few brief times that I had actually interacted with her. It wasn't that I had purposely avoided her. She only came to see her grandmother occasionally and when she did, they spent time together either in Louise's quarters or they left the house for the day. I knew of her as a tall, almost gangly teenager with black hair that hung slick and glossy to her waist. She had a wide, toothy smile, and almond eyes that looked just like her grandmother's.

  "Horses," I said, almo
st spontaneously. "Horses. I know that she likes horses. Louise told me that she started riding when she was younger and that she wants to be a veterinarian specializing in caring for horses."

  "That's an impressive ambition," Veronica said.

  I nodded, remembering the pride in Louise's voice when she talked about it. I was surprised that I remembered it, but at least it gave me something to build on.

  An hour later I walked out of a jewelry store with a small bag dangling from my fingers and watched as Veronica crossed the courtyard in front of us to a large decorative fountain. She surprised me by climbing up on the smooth cement edge of the basin around the fountain walking along it, her hands fluttering beside her like an old-fashioned tightrope act. I felt myself smile and a rare laugh bubble from my throat. I walked up to the fountain and walked along beside her as she made her way around the edge, looking up at the glow of the sun that surrounded her. Suddenly her foot hit a small puddle on the cement and slipped, causing her to stumble. I reached up and grabbed her hand, helping her to stabilize herself. When she was steady again, she smiled down at me.

  "Thank you," she said.

  I noticed that she didn't immediately take her hand from mine, instead holding it as she took the last few steps around the perimeter to complete her circuit and then allowed me to help her jump down. Her fingers slid away from mine and then dipped into the small purse she wore across her body. They emerged holding two coins. She offered me one and I looked down at it.

  "What's this?" I asked.

  She held her coin in her hand and smiled again.

  "A wish," she said, sounding like it should have been obvious.

  Veronica closed her eyes tightly for a moment, kissed the coin, and tossed it into the fountain. She then turned to me expectantly.

  "What?" I asked.

  "Your turn."

  I looked at the coin, contemplating the concept of making a wish, of having that sort of optimism and whimsy. Closing my fingers over it, I handed it back to her.

  "You make one for me," I said.

  Veronica looked at me with disappointment.

  "Are you sure?" she asked.

  I nodded.

  "Go ahead."

  She looked at the coin in her hand for a few seconds and then shook her head.

  "No," she said. "I can't make your wish for you. That's not how it works. I'll just hang on to this. Eventually, you'll know what you want to wish for."

  She tucked the coin back into her purse and we started toward the parking lot.

  "What did you wish for?" I asked.

  Veronica grinned at me over the top of the car.

  "That's not how it works, either," she said. "I can't tell you what I wished for."

  "Then how do I know if it works?"

  "We'll just have to wait and see."

  Chapter Eight

  Veronica

  "This is delicious. Thank you."

  I smiled at Jude as I took a sip of my own cup of strong peppermint tea. The flavor of the honey swirling through the bold herbal brew was a soothing contrast to the invigorating quality of the peppermint, creating an effect that always helped me relax.

  "You're welcome," I said.

  I took another sip and then settled my mug on the edge of the desk, making sure it wasn't too close to the stacks of papers spread across the surface. It was already taking us enough time to go over the essay questions on the midterm exams without me splashing tea all over them. Some of the answers that we had read, however, made me think that there were a few of the students in the class that probably wouldn't mind their tests being obliterated.

  "I don't even think that this one even read the same book that the rest of them did," Jude said, handing me a paper.

  I read through the first few lines of the essay response and laughed, shaking my head.

  "You're right," I said. "But he thinks he did something just as good."

  "What do you mean?"

  "You didn't hear about the ShortNotes scandal?" I asked, putting a little bit of mysterious emphasis on the last word.

  "What are ShortNotes?" Jude asked.

  "I'm going to take that as a 'no'. ShortNotes are student-made cheat sheets about the different books that are taught in the literature classes."

  "Ah," he said. "Like Spark or Cliff?"

  I nodded.

  "That's the idea," I said. "But instead of having all of the details and being a study guide, these things are basically glorified bullet lists of main points and character descriptions followed by shortcuts for how to answer the questions that professors are most likely to ask."

  "That sounds pretty unethical, but I wouldn't call it a scandal."

  "That's because I didn't get to that part yet."

  "By all means," he said, leaning back in his chair and taking another deep sip of his tea.

  Since the morning that we went shopping and I helped him choose the delicate silver necklace with a horse-shaped pendant for his housekeeper's granddaughter, we had been spending more time together and I felt like I was watching him gradually relaxing and opening up. A regular fixture at my rehearsals now, Jude had begun asking me for more involvement in the class and I had accompanied him on two more shopping excursions. I felt like I was starting to see another part of him, though there was plenty that was still behind the curtain. My attraction to him had only gotten stronger and I was finding it harder to hide it when I was with him.

  "Well, you must have heard of Anonymous, right?"

  "The internet vigilante group?"

  "See, I knew you didn't spend your entire life with your head in books. Yes, Anonymous the internet vigilante group. Well, it seems that someone on campus was inspired by their unique form of justice and decided to try to enact some themselves. So, they took the ShortNotes for several of the books, replaced the actual information with plausible but completely wrong details, and then distributed them. They did it in a few cycles so that there were different versions out on campus."

  "But if there were different versions, didn't people catch on?"

  "That was the point. People started comparing their notes and realizing that they had different information. But they obviously couldn't tell which one was right, if either of them were. Some people just used what they got and completely bombed, and other people figured out that something was wrong and ended up having to read the book anyway. Either way, it works out. I thought that most people have figured it out by now."

  "Apparently not Mr. Howard," Jude said.

  I shook my head.

  "Apparently not."

  He took the paper and wrote a large red "F" at the top with a dramatic flourish.

  "At least he made that easier on us."

  I laughed.

  "Saved us some time."

  He picked up another paper and read for a few seconds before glancing at me again.

  "What are you up to this weekend?" he asked.

  I felt the familiar tight flutter in my stomach that came every time that he stepped outside of talking about the class and connected with me.

  "This weekend?" I asked. "Nothing really, I don't think."

  "Really?" he asked incredulously. "You're not going to do anything to celebrate midterms being over? Even on Halloween?"

  I suddenly remembered that Friday was, in fact, Halloween. It was hard to believe that the semester was going by so quickly and that soon we would be on the downward slide toward the end.

  "I wasn't really planning on doing anything. Probably just buy some candy and sit around watching ghost shows on TV waiting for trick-or-treaters. How about you? Are you doing anything?"

  I couldn't really imagine Jude dressing up in a costume and celebrating the holiday, but I tried to keep an open mind.

  "I'll probably just work," he said. "I still have some things to get into place for the rest of the semester. The last few weeks always seem to go by a lot faster so I'm trying to get on top of it. I got a little behind working on my research paper."


  "I could come and help you," I offered. "I've been told that I'm a pretty good researcher."

  I gave him a teasing smile and his lips curved up in the hint of a smile back.

  "I can't imagine who would tell you that." The smile faltered and he sat forward. "I appreciate the offer, but you shouldn't be holed up in an office working on assignments and research on Halloween."

  "Why not?"

  "You work so hard all the time. You are constantly pushing yourself and trying to get more and more done. You deserve to have fun and relax. Especially after midterms. Before you know it, your years of college are going to be over and you won't be a student anymore. You should take advantage of it and make the most of this last year. Find something fun to do."

  I sighed.

  "Javi has been trying to get me to go to this party with him. I'm not much of a party person. The last one I went to was the Welcome Week party and you know how fantastic a start that got off to."

  "But you had fun," he said.

  I nodded.

  "I did."

  "And you'll have fun at the Halloween one with Javi, too. Go. Be a college student. Enjoy yourself. There will be plenty of work waiting for you when you get back."

  "So, are we doing some sort of couples’ costume, or can I just wear my regular clothes and be a serial killer?"

  Javi's eyes lit up and he jumped away from the coffee table, nearly knocking over an enormous canister of purple iridescent glitter that would never have come out of the carpet.

  "You're coming?" he squealed, the avalanche-inducing tone back in his voice.