by R. R. Banks
But even those men were only moderately comfortable compared to Richard. If they could only see the world through the warped prism of their own perspective and see anyone else as below them, I didn’t know why I would expect any less from Richard. I knew now that I had only been imagining the connection that I thought I felt building between us, and that there would never be anything more than a business relationship.
It was a relief, really. I had to tell myself that. Finding out about this now meant that I wouldn’t go through the entire pregnancy, if there was one at all, thinking that we could be friends or forming any type of attachment to him. When the baby was born, I could simply hand it over to them, sign the final paperwork, and be done with it. There would be no uncomfortable parting of ways or pretending that we would keep up with each other even though we both knew full well that we wouldn’t. Knowing this about him made things much easier.
As I stomped up the stairs into the house and slammed the door behind me, I thought again about what he told me about Flora and their relationship. As much as my heart had ached for him when he first told me about it, I felt almost vindicated now. I could see in him exactly what would make that type of marriage work for him. Flora was perfect for him. Chilly, distant, and always looking at the world knowing that it wasn’t anywhere good enough for them.
The tears didn’t start burning in my eyes until I had finished the first sink of dishes and dropped one of the plates of the second load before getting it into the soapy water. I slid down and sat on the floor, collecting the pieces into a pile and feeling like I was trying to collect the pieces of myself. Suddenly what Richard had said about why he didn’t want to marry Flora sank in and I realized that I knew exactly what he meant. Part of me always knew that Whiskey Hollow was my home and I was never really going to be completely away from it, but moving back had been such a sudden decision that there had been mornings when I woke up and couldn’t remember for a few minutes why I was there or when I had arrived.
And did anyone really deserve Flora?
Chapter Fourteen
Richard
Rue wouldn’t even make eye contact with me as we sat in the examination room waiting for the doctor to come in with the test results. Flora stood beside me, her hand rested almost possessively on my back, and there was a chilly silence in the room around us. I had wanted to apologize to Rue ever since Thanksgiving, but I hadn’t been able to find a time to call her when Flora wasn’t right there in the room with me. It was almost as though she knew that I wanted to do something that she likely wouldn’t approve of and was hovering close by to either prevent me from doing it, or in order to catch me as soon as I did. She still didn’t know that I had spent the holiday with Rue. I had been so frustrated with her patented sick act that she dragged out any time that something wasn’t going her way or when she wanted attention that I had just left the house. By the time that I had returned she had made a miraculous recovery and was eating sushi in the living room completely devoid of any type of holiday cheer.
It was still like that and she still hadn’t bothered to ask what I had been doing. I wasn’t going to volunteer the information. That didn’t change, though, that I wanted desperately to sit down with Rue and try to apologize, try to make amends for offending her. Though I still couldn’t for the life of me understand why she would purposely put herself through living somewhere like that, I knew that it had been wrong of me to openly criticize it. We didn’t know each other well enough for my attempts at humor to appeal to her.
Were they attempts at humor, or was I really that much of an ass?
When she came into the medical center that morning she hadn’t acknowledged me. There had been consistent silence amongst the three of us from the time that we walked in until now, and while Flora seemed entirely comfortable with it, I was starting to dread the possibility of facing nine more months of this. Finally, the door clicked open and Dr. Morgan stepped inside, carrying a folder. He looked at each of us for a few seconds and then smiled. That smile told me everything and I felt my heart swelling before he even began to speak.
“Congratulations,” he said. “Rue is pregnant.”
****
Rue
Everything around me got fuzzy and I felt suddenly dizzy.
Pregnant. I’m pregnant.
Though it was exactly what we had wanted to find out at this appointment, actually hearing those words sent a shock through me, hitting me unexpectedly hard as though somewhere deep inside myself I hadn’t really allowed my mind or my heart to believe that it was even a possibility. It was like I had just assumed that it wasn’t going to work. After the disaster of Thanksgiving it seemed that it would be the appropriate continuation of things that we would find out that the insemination hadn’t stuck, and we would go our separate ways; them to find another woman whose womb wouldn’t betray them, and me to figure out some other way that I was going to save Grammyma’s house. But that’s not what happened.
I’m pregnant.
I turned and looked at Richard. He was staring at me, his eyes sparkling. I felt everything that had happened fall away and all I saw was the man I had met, the man who I hadn’t been able to get out of my mind. We smiled at each other and before I realized what I was doing, I was on my feet, closing the space between us as he did the same. He gathered me into his arms and hugged me close. I filled my lungs with the scent of him, closing my eyes so I could memorize it. He suddenly took a step back, patting my shoulders as if he was worried that he’d done something wrong and was trying to put me back together.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Are you OK?”
“She’s fine,” Dr. Morgan said with a slight laugh. “She’s not breakable, I promise. We’ve gotten through the first hurdle. The procedure worked, and Rue is officially pregnant. Your baby is happily growing and has actually gotten through a few key phases of development already. Now we move forward. This is just the beginning.”
“So, what now?” Flora asked, bringing a stark end to the doctor’s speech.
Until that moment I had forgotten that she was even in the room and now that I remembered I felt a dampening of my happiness. I wished that Richard and I could just experience this together.
“Now we decide how to proceed. Rue can either be under my care or the care of one of the midwives.”
“Midwife,” I said promptly, not giving Flora a chance to interject even though I could see in her face that she was getting ready to say something. “I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me so far, Doctor, but I’d like to have a midwife, if that’s an option.”
“Of course, that’s an option. We can start you under her care in just a few weeks, once a bit more development has happened. For now, just relax. Enjoy the news. If you notice any signs of problems, such as bleeding, cramping, or dizziness, come in as fast as you can. Other than that, I’ll set you up for your first meeting with the midwife in January.”
“January?” Richard asked, sounding slightly frantic. “Why that far?”
“Because there’s really nothing that we can do until then,” Dr. Morgan said. “The baby has plenty of growing to do, and until around the middle of January, we won’t be able to even see a heartbeat. After that, I promise things will get more exciting. So just go on home. Enjoy the holidays. Start thinking of a fun way to announce your pregnancy on Valentine’s Day. Congratulations again.”
My heart fluttered in my chest.
Valentine’s Day. Could it be more perfect? Or less perfect? I was having a hard time deciding.
****
Richard
Valentine’s Day. Could there be a better way to celebrate than to tell everyone I’m going to be a father? …Maybe one.
We walked out of the medical center and Flora glared at Rue. All pretext was gone now, and I doubted that there was ever going to be anything but this type of uneasiness between them.
“Make sure that you’re following the diet that I gave you,” she demanded. “I don’t wa
nt this baby being born with a food addiction or already behind in the fight against childhood obesity. Besides,” she looked Rue up and down, scrutinizing her, “there’s no real point in you getting fat, is there? You won’t have a built-in excuse once the baby’s born.”
“Flora!” I scolded, but she didn’t seem to care. She simply turned and stalked toward the car. I turned to Rue. “I’m sorry,” I said. “That was really uncalled for.”
“Everything about her is uncalled for,” Rue said. “And that’s fine. I’m not doing this for her. I’m doing it for you. And only for you.”
My heart filled, and I smiled at her.
“I’m so happy,” I said.
“And I’m so happy for you. I promise I will do everything I can to be the very best home for your baby until its born.”
I nodded.
“I know you will.”
I could hear Flora shouting at me from the car, but I ignored her. Nothing was going to ruin the joy that I was feeling that day.
“I guess I’ll see you in January?” Rue asked.
My happiness sank just slightly. That sounded so far away.
“I was hoping that I might get a chance to see you over Christmas,” I said.
Rue glanced around me toward Flora’s voice and shook her head.
“I don’t think that that would be the best idea,” she said. “I can’t imagine that Flora would be too delighted to have me around for the holidays.”
I nodded. I understood where she was coming from. If I was her, I wouldn’t want to give up my Christmas to spend time with Flora, either. And after the way I behaved the last time that I was there, I couldn’t imagine that she would be too keen on inviting me back to her home any time soon. Feeling the urge to hug her one more time, I gathered Rue tightly to me, but stepped away sooner than I would have wanted to. I looked at her still-flat belly, nearly laughing at myself for thinking that somehow, she should look different even though the baby was still barely a speck.
“Go ahead,” Rue said, as if she could read my mind.
I reached forward and touched my fingertips to her stomach, imagining that somehow my baby could sense that I was there. This was something that I had wanted for so long, and now it was happening. With all of the emotions coursing through me I didn’t know how to feel in that moment, but all I knew was that, at least for that second, I was glad to be sharing it with Rue.
Chapter Fifteen
Rue
Dear Baby,
Hello.
You’re there. I know you are. The doctor told me that you are. But I still can’t believe it. I’ve been thinking about you for weeks now, but now that I know that you are really real it’s hard to wrap my brain around it. I wish that I had taken a picture of your daddy’s face when he heard the news. It was a look of such pure, unfiltered, unadulterated joy and love. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a look like that. You truly are so precious already and you will only get more so the longer you grow and the closer you get to being here.
I get to meet with my midwife for the first time in the middle of January. More than a month away. It seems like it will take forever to get here. I didn’t realize that there was going to be such a long wait in between appointments. I guess I never really had any reason to think about it, but I always imagined that pregnant women were at the doctor or the midwife all the time. Checking in, making sure everything was going alright. Apparently not. Apparently, it’s more like…oh, you’re pregnant…awesome…go away and go about your life for a while. I feel like I’m just kind of drifting around here. You’re in there and I’m set on protecting you, but I don’t have anyone around to tell me how to do it or even if I’m doing alright.
The time will pass. I just have to keep telling myself that. The time will go by and then I can go in and meet with the midwife and by that point we’ll get to hear your tiny little heart beating. That amazes me more than I will ever be able to tell you. Right now, you are there. You exist. You are alive. But your heart isn’t beating yet. My heart is literally beating for you. But in just a few weeks you will have a heart all your own that is beating. You have only existed for a couple of weeks, but you are already amazing.
Christmas is coming soon. I know that you won’t be able to enjoy it this year, but I promise you next year is going to be incredible. I can’t even imagine what types of magic your parents will cook up for you. I can promise you that I will always think about you at Christmas. I’ll never forget this one Christmas that we got to spend together.
Grow well, little one. There are people who already love you and can’t wait to meet you.
Rue
****
“Sip slowly.”
“Christopher, I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine, you’re pregnant!”
“Pregnancy is not a disease. I’m fine. I’m so fine they don’t even want to see me at the medical center again until January. That’s when I’ll meet my midwife.”
“Midwife?” Tessie asked, her voice suddenly slipping back to a time in her life when she wasn’t quite as cultured as she was now. “What do you mean midwife?”
“You know what a midwife is,” I said. “I’ve decided that that’s the type of care that I want during this whole experience.”
It had been a little more than a week since I got official confirmation that I was pregnant, and I was sitting in Tessie’s living room stringing cranberries and popcorn for her tree. She had opted for an old-fashioned Christmas this year, completely casting aside the silver, black, and white scheme that we had used the year before in favor of cozy plaids, handmade ornaments, and a live tree that was making her sneeze so much I could only imagine that she was going to be dead by New Year’s. Christopher had just handed me a mug of egg nog, a distinct departure from the stemmed glasses of last year’s festivities, and was urging me to imbibe gradually as to not drown the baby, or something. I hadn’t fully followed his logic.
“You’re going to go through all of that?” he asked.
“What did you think was going to happen? I was just going to lay there, and they were going to squish my belly and make the baby come out?”
“Not exactly,” he said. “Maybe more like they were just going to knock you out cold and when you woke up the baby would be gone.”
“That’s a depressing thought,” I said.
“Why?” Tessie asked. “I would think that would be easier. No pain. No tearful goodbye.”
“I’m going to have a tearful goodbye right now if you don’t stop talking about this,” I said.
“I’m sorry,” Christopher said. “It’s just that I can’t imagine going through so much, especially the whole natural birth approach, for a baby that isn’t even yours.”
I felt tears spring to my eyes and set my mug down, turning my attention back to the strand of fruit and popcorn on my lap.
“It’s what’s best for the baby,” I said. “I’ll be more in control and it won’t get any of those drugs in it during the delivery. Women who have midwives recover faster, too, so I’ll be able to go on afterwards much sooner.”
“Is Richard going to be there in the room with you when the baby is born?” Tessie asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “We haven’t talked about it.”
“Do you want him to be?”
“I don’t know. Can we stop talking about this?”
I was suddenly overwhelmed and didn’t want to be sitting there anymore. I stood up sharply and immediately felt my head start swimming. Everything around me blurred and I reached out to grab something to stabilize me, but didn’t feel anything. Somewhere in the distance I thought I heard Tessie scream, but the darkness was closing around me too quickly to know what she was saying.
The next thing I knew my eyes were fluttering open to the bright, flashing lights of an ambulance. I could feel myself sliding and it took a few seconds for me to realize that I was on a gurney being rolled toward the back of the ambulance by two emergency responders. I t
ried to sit up, but straps across my legs and shoulders kept me in place, immediately starting a feeling of panic in my chest.
“Let me up,” I said.
“Just lay back, Miss,” one of the EMTs said. “We’re going to help you.”
“Let me up,” I insisted.
The gurney bounced over the edge of the ambulance and suddenly I was in the back surrounded by gleaming metal and bright lights. I looked down and saw Tessie and Christopher standing outside, their eyes wide with fear.
“Richard,” I shouted to them. “Get Richard.”
“Who’s Richard?” one of the EMTs asked.
“The father of her baby,” Tessie said.
“Well, it’s not really her baby,” Christopher interjected. “It’s definitely his, and I mean technically, technically, biologically, it’s her baby, too, but…”
Tessie slapped her hand over Christopher’s mouth to muffle him and he fell silent.
“Do you want to be brought to the hospital?” another EMT asked. “We need your consent now that you’re awake.”
Not something a woman ever wants to hear when she’s tied down to a bed.
“No,” I said. “I don’t want to be brought to the hospital. I’m under care at a private medical facility. I need to go there.”
“I’m sorry, we can’t transport you anywhere but the hospitals that we have contracts with. If you want to go somewhere else, you’re going to need to get out of the ambulance.”
“Then I’m going to need you to untie me.”