“It’s not that easy, Luke. And you’re not that uncomplicated yourself,” she shot back, her eyes narrowing. “You’ve got your own stuff that you’re not letting people see, so don’t stand there and accuse me of keeping you at arm’s length. Because that’s exactly what you have done to me.”
Luke was taken aback at her anger. And then, curiously, encouraged by it. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t be angry.
“Okay. I’ve kept things from you. I was wrong. But I had my reasons.”
“Well, so do I.”
“Then maybe we should sit down and talk about these reasons. And maybe we should go get your daughter so we can go home and do exactly that.”
“I’m scared to go inside.”
He gave her a gentle smile, his anger fading in the face of her honesty. “You’re not a lousy mother. Now I’m going to get Suzie.” Luke turned to Janie. “You may as well stay out here, unless you want to come inside with me.”
“I’ll stay here.”
Luke hadn’t imagined the relief on her face; he heard it clearly in her voice.
Luke nodded, then, unable to leave her standing there, alone and afraid, he caught her by the shoulder and squeezed. “I’ll find her, okay?”
“Please do.” Janie gave him a tremulous smile, but he could see the glint of tears in her eyes. “And thanks.”
He turned back to the house. Please, Lord, help me not to hit anyone who tries to stop me, he prayed as he strode up the walk.
The noise inside was, if possible, even louder than outside.
A young couple standing in the doorway gave him a puzzled look as he sauntered past them. A quick scan of the foyer yielded a group of girls squealing at something a boy above them on the stairs was yelling down.
He hesitated a moment, then made a guess and turned right. Away from the noise of the stereo.
“Hey, whaddaya doin’ here?” A young man with a buzz cut stepped in front of Luke, his muscle-bound arms crossed over his chest.
“I came to pick up a girl.”
Mr. Buzz Cut laughed and punched him on the shoulder. “Good luck with that,” he said, obviously misinterpreting Luke’s intent.
Luke wanted to punch him back, but not in a friendly way. Then he saw Suzie. She sat on the floor, by the French doors, a boy about five years older than her sitting beside her. She looked terrified.
“Suzie?” he called out. She jumped to her feet and came running toward him. Luke hardly recognized Janie’s daughter, overly made up with skintight jeans and cropped T-shirt.
“Can we go now?” she cried, grabbing him by the arm.
The boy who sat with her lurched to his feet and walked unsteadily over. “Hey. She was with me.”
“Not anymore,” Luke said, staring down at the kid.
The boy frowned. “You think you’re tough?”
Luke enunciated each word slowly and carefully. “Don’t even bother.”
The boy took a step back, his hands up. “Sorry.”
Luke waited a moment, driving home his point. Then he took Suzie by one slender arm and marched her to the door.
She seemed okay. That much he had figured out. No one had stopped them or challenged him. They were in the clear.
Now his anger was directed at the young girl. He yanked open the front door and strode with her down the sidewalk to where Janie waited.
“You took my mom along?” Suzie wailed, pulling back.
“She came here on her own.”
Janie stayed at the end of the sidewalk until they stopped in front of her.
“Are you okay, Suzie?” she asked, reaching out to her daughter.
Suzie didn’t even look at her.
“I’ll take her home,” Luke said.
To his surprise, Janie nodded, pulling her arm back.
“I’ll meet you back at the house,” he said, taking a chance when he reached out and cupped her cheek.
She caught his hand and pressed it between her cheek and her hand, then let go, turned and walked across the street to her car.
Luke waited until she left, and then he brought Suzie to his truck and helped her inside. As he got in, he looked over at the young girl, crouched against the door.
Streaks of black marred her innocent cheeks, and her blue eyes were like large circles of purple and pink. She sniffed and wiped the palm of her hand over her face, smearing the makeup even further.
“Buckle up, missy,” he said as he reversed into a neighbor’s driveway, slammed the truck into gear and sped down the street.
“You sound mad,” she sniffed as he heard the snick of her buckle going into the clasp.
“I’m furious, actually.” He thought of Janie standing at the end of the sidewalk, afraid to go inside the house and get her own daughter. Afraid to let him go in and see her daughter.
“What were you thinking?” he asked, shooting the question across the cab. “No. Wait. That’s a dumb question. You weren’t thinking, were you? You had some crazy idea that going to a party with a bunch of high school kids was going to be just the highlight of your year. Something you could brag to all your friends about. Well, it looks like you had a blast, didn’t you?”
“Why are you so mad at me? I thought you would help me.”
“I did.” Luke spun the truck around a corner and then forced himself to slow down. “I got you out of that party and away from trouble. And I kept your mother from having to go in and get you. Do you have any idea of how worried you must have made her?”
“I’m sorry,” she said in a small, contrite voice.
Luke pressed his lips together, biting off his next comment. In spite of his tough talk to Janie, he didn’t have any right to be blasting away at Suzie. As a mother, that was her job.
They drove the rest of the way home in silence. By the time he parked by Janie’s car in front of the house, he felt calmer.
He followed her up the sidewalk to the house where Janie waited.
“Oh, Suzie. Are you okay?” Janie caught her daughter by the arms, then enveloped her in a hug. “I was so worried.”
“I’m sorry, Mom,” Suzie said, clinging to her mother. “I’m sorry I made you worry.”
“You’re okay?” Janie pulled back, her hands fluttering over her daughter’s face.
Suzie nodded.
“I’m so proud of you that you called Luke. That was exactly the right thing to do.”
What was this all about? Luke glanced from Suzie to Janie, trying to figure out why Janie wasn’t blasting her even harder than he had.
“Can I have some leftover pizza?” Suzie asked. “I’m hungry.”
“I think I have some left.”
Luke held up a hand. “Wait a minute, did I miss something here?” Luke’s eyes ticked from Janie to Suzie.
“What do you mean?” Janie asked, looking as puzzled as Luke felt.
“I just hauled this girl from a lousy situation that she put herself in. And you’re fussing about her missing supper?”
He saw Janie’s face grow stiff but he pushed on. “I think she should be grounded so hard that she can’t see the sky for a month.”
“I hardly think—”
“And I think she should get upstairs right now and wash that gunk off her face.” Luke pointed upward, and to his surprise, Suzie meekly pulled away from her mother. “Suzie, get going.”
She didn’t even give him a second look and ran up the stairs.
Janie watched Suzie go, then turned to him, frowning. “Luke, she’s my daughter and I think I know how to deal with this.”
“I thought we covered this already.”
Janie pulled back, her frown replaced with hurt.
Luke shoved his hand through his hair, frustrated, yet knowing he was right. “I’m sorry, Janie, but you’re way too easy on that girl. She needs to be disciplined for what she did tonight, not hugged and kissed and told she’s a good girl.”
Luke could see Janie’s protest rise to her lips, but then she stopped her
self. “You’re right.”
“Of course I am. I may not be a father, but I’d like to think I know a few things.”
He wanted to say more, but the ringing of the doorbell broke into the moment, and Janie’s mother swept into the house with Autumn and Todd.
Her eyes flicked over him and then landed on her daughter.
“Where is Suzie? Did you find her? Is she all right?”
Tilly peppered Janie with questions as she pulled Autumn’s jacket off.
“She’s upstairs. Luke brought her home.”
“Thank you, Luke. That was much appreciated.” Tilly gave him a curt nod, as if dismissing him.
Luke felt suddenly superfluous. “I’ll be leaving now,” he said to Janie.
Janie glanced from him to his mother.
“We should get these kids in bed, Janie,” her mother was saying. “And then we can deal with Suzie.”
Luke stepped toward the door when he heard, “Wait a minute.”
He turned, and Janie was walking toward him. She glanced back at her mother. “Mom, can you put the kids to bed please?”
Tilly frowned and was about to protest.
“I need to talk to Luke,” Janie continued. “And I need to do that without any children around.”
“Well, if you think that’s what you should be doing,” Tilly said, as if she expected Janie to change her mind.
“I do,” Janie said as she walked out the door ahead of Luke.
Chapter Eighteen
“It’s a nice night. Do you mind if we walk for a bit?” Janie asked, as the door of her house closed behind her.
“Excellent idea.”
His deep voice had lowered, and in the gathering dark, Janie felt as if the world had narrowed down to the two of them.
Part of her still felt surprised that she had stood up to her mother, but now she needed to just be with Luke. To gather her thoughts.
She was quiet as they walked down her sidewalk, past the potted plants that were just starting to fill out, then past Luke’s house with its single light on upstairs. Cooper, sensing their presence from inside the house, gave a muffled bark.
They moved into a pool of light from a streetlamp, then out. By the time they crossed the street to the next block, she still hadn’t said anything, and thankfully Luke seemed content to saunter along in silence while she gathered her thoughts.
“Thanks for going into that party and bringing Suzie home,” she said finally, as they crossed the next street.
“You’re welcome.”
“I’m glad you were there. I’m glad…glad you forced me to allow your help.”
“Me, too.”
She sighed. “When I got to that house, I wasn’t sure what to do. And then, when you came…” She paused, unsure of how to continue, yet, at the same time, sure she wanted him to know how she felt.
“When you came, I felt so relieved. I felt like I wasn’t alone.”
“I didn’t get that impression.”
“This isn’t easy for me, okay?”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know I’ve always been independent. I’ve always thought I could solve all my problems on my own. The past few weeks have showed me I can’t. And this evening definitely showed me I couldn’t. Even though I didn’t show it, I was glad for your help.”
She drew in a breath of the soft night air. A hint of dampness promised rain.
“But other things were going on when you came. That’s why I was so angry. I stood at the end of that sidewalk for about ten minutes,” she said, “trying to work up the nerve to go in. I didn’t want to see Suzie inside. Didn’t want to see her…reliving my life.”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t want to see her make the same mistakes I did. Do the same dumb things. Go to the same dumb parties.”
“You? Partying?”
His surprise made her feel worse, but what hurt more was seeing him standing in front of that house, knowing Suzie had called him and not her.
“It was hard enough for me to have to see my daughter mess up. I guess I wasn’t crazy about the idea of you seeing it, too.”
“Everyone makes mistakes, Janie.”
“Yeah, but it was especially difficult after you made me look like such a great mother, such a great person. I felt like the whole mess of my life was laid out for you to see. And I was afraid for you to see even a small part of that.”
“What? Why?”
Janie kept her eyes directly ahead, focusing on the sidewalk and the next pool of light.
“I’ve had a complicated relationship with Suzie ever since I found out I was expecting her. I was eighteen, it was the first year of college and I had just broken up with her father, Owen. When I sat on the edge of the bathtub that night staring at the blue on the strip, my entire life with all its glorious plans made a giant U-turn.”
She paused there, her old shame slithering into the moment. “I was young and confused and overwhelmed.”
Luke’s only reply was to gently squeeze her arm. Janie moved to pull her arm out of his, to give herself some distance from him. She didn’t want to feel his reaction to what she had to tell him next.
But he wouldn’t let her go.
And in spite of her initial reaction, she was comforted by his support. His strength.
“There’s more,” she said quietly.
“I can hear it.”
She hoped he could. She prayed he could. “When I first found out I was pregnant, I was scared…I wanted to fix this problem…I…”
Could she do this? Could she really lay open her heart?
She looked up at Luke and saw him smiling down at her. Would that smile disappear if she told him?
She had to. He had accused her of being independent and he had been right. She had kept this to herself so long.
She had missed him too much. She knew she wanted him in her life, and she now knew that would mean all of her life. Please, Lord, help me to say this, Janie prayed. I know I should have told someone a long time ago. Forgive me.
“When I first found out, I wanted to have an abortion. I talked to a woman at a clinic in Edmonton. Tried to figure out how I could get away to get it done.” She took a shuddering breath, praying he would understand. “I didn’t want my own child.”
“But you didn’t go through with it.” Luke rested his hand on her shoulder, a gentle assurance.
Janie kept her focus on her feet. Step, pause, step, pause. A slow meandering rhythm. “I couldn’t make up my mind, and then it was too late. So my next plan was to put her up for adoption. Then my mother found out, and my life took another turn. And, even worse, I resented Suzie for putting me in this mess in the first place. For the longest time I felt, because of her, I ended up a mother, married to a man who never cared for me and never loved me. I have always struggled with how I felt about Suzie. And I guess that’s why it seems like I treat her differently. Maybe not always wisely, but I feel like I have so much to make up for.”
Step, pause, step, pause. Luke hadn’t said anything yet so Janie continued.
“When you asked me why I was defending your mother, I think…I think I was defending myself. When I heard you say that she didn’t deserve your love, your respect, I felt as if you were talking about me.”
Luke stopped, caught her arm and gently turned her to face him. “No. Janie. Never. My mother made her own mistakes. Different from you.”
Janie gave a short laugh at his quick defense of her and looked up at him, holding his steady gaze. “I was single, pregnant and confused. I didn’t want my own daughter. Doesn’t sound too different from your mother. When you said you couldn’t forgive your mother for that, it was as if I was unforgivable.”
Luke slowly shook his head, his fingers coming to rest on her cheek. “So when you heard me say that, you thought I would feel the same way about you.”
“I did.” She shivered, and Luke rubbed her arms.
“But you provided a home for Suzie
and your other kids. You take care of them. You love them. They know they’re loved.”
“But Suzie…tonight…” Janie pulled her jacket tighter around her, tension holding her captive.
“Tonight is also not unusual. Every kid wants to go to a party when they’re teenagers. She just happened to find a way to do it.”
“You seem to be willing to sweep away what I’ve thought, what Suzie has done—”
“I’m not sweeping it away. I’m the one who thought she should be grounded, after all. I’m trying to show you that some of the things you’ve taken on are normal reactions and actions.”
“But it was different for your mother?”
Luke sighed, and she sensed she was treading, once again, on shaky ground.
“My mother’s problems are more complicated…” He paused there, as if thinking. “But I went to see her the other night. After you told me that you couldn’t be with me. Something you said made me realize that maybe she was coming between us. Maybe I needed to find some kind of peace with her in order to move on. In order to build some kind of life with you.”
Janie felt hope surge in her chest, but she let the moment hang.
“She’s made a lot of mistakes, but she’s human. And I knew that as long as I was angry with her and hurt by her, I wasn’t going to be able to move on in my own life. In my own faith. I had felt distant from God for some time, now I think it was because of how I felt toward my mother. And especially now that I know that you felt the same about Suzie…” Luke turned to her. “We still have a long way to go, my mother and I, but we’re starting. I read a piece in the Bible about forgiving as Christ has forgiven us. I’d like to think that, with God’s help, I’m getting there. I’d also like to think that you could help me.”
Janie took a chance herself, reached up and cupped his face in her hand. “I want to. I need to. Because if you can forgive your mother, then I can feel that Suzie will, in time, forgive me.”
“She will. And she’ll appreciate all that you’ve done in the meantime. And if she doesn’t, I will remind her.”
Janie rested in his embrace, thankful for his support. His care.
A Family for Luke Page 17