by Lori L. Otto
“Well, so he never has money… he’s never been in any trouble. He still calls home,” I tell her.
“To ask for the money,” she deadpans.
“You know that’s not true.”
“I know.”
“Plus, when he is in need of money, he could be doing illicit things for it, but he’s not. I’ve always liked Eli. I just wish he’d come visit more.”
“We all do.” She smiles at me. “Thanks for saying that, Trey.”
“I mean it.” I sidestep into a room next to the kitchen and unload my books into my father’s study, a room I know Chris and Anna aren’t using while they’re here and the only one I really plan to spend time in today. It overlooks the lake through large, arched windows, letting in enough sunshine that I can work from the natural light alone.
“Purely a work visit?” My uncle asks me, walking in the room to shake my hand.
“Partly,” I correct him. “I need a little fresh air, too.”
“It’s perfect weather this weekend. A crisp breeze, but not too cold.”
“Yeah. I just wish it was warm enough to swim. A couple more months and I’ll be out there doing laps with the fish. There’s nothing quite like it.” I wonder if Coley’s ever swam in a lake like this, or in the open sea like we do at Callen’s beachfront house.
“Are you hungry? We have some left over biscuits and bacon.”
“Sure, I’ll take some. Thanks.” I fix a plate and then excuse myself to the office where I spend the next few hours working on all the rest of the homework I have so I can focus solely on our articles tomorrow. I listen to The Aurange Peace on loop. It helps me concentrate, with the exception of a few songs. I take a break when those songs come on, reveling in the music and lyrics.
The last time I stop working due to one of those songs, I decide to close up shop for the day. It’s been five hours already. I missed a call from Zaina, a call from Max, and a few texts from Coley, but I decide not to return any communications right now. The worry starts to set in about tomorrow. I’m sure my plans for the day will be fine. The evening is going to suck like nothing in my life has ever sucked before.
I was in the eighth grade when I last broke up with a girlfriend, and although she’d written her first name with “Holland” all over her book covers back then, there had been no actual thoughts of us getting married one day. I’d never even kissed that girl on the lips.
A part of me doesn’t want to do it. That same part doesn’t think I’m ready to. That part of me is a coward. I’d been telling myself I would do it the next time I saw her. I just thought it would be later. At first, I thought it would be when she came home this summer. Then, I was considering flying out to England over my spring break. Admittedly, the latter idea came up after I met Coley. After I started having feelings that would only grow stronger every time I’d spend time with her. I didn’t mean to fall for her. It wasn’t my intention. But it is what happened.
After stretching and grabbing a bottle of water, I go into the living room where I find my uncle and watch him as he laces up his boots. My mom would be yelling at him if she saw his foot on the new coffee table. “Chris?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you going hiking?”
“I thought I would, yeah. It’s just too nice to sit around all afternoon, you know?”
“Can I come?”
He looks at me, surprised. “Really?”
“It’s okay if you don’t want company.”
“I would love it if you came along. I just can’t get over how different you are from Eli. From the time he hit fourteen, he didn’t want to spend a second alone with me or Anna.”
“Oh, well…” I shrug my shoulders. “I like to buck stereotypes. Just call me a rebel,” I say, laughing at the irony. “I’m going to shock you even more because I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Well, come on. Let’s head out into nature and talk like men.”
“Thanks,” I say to him, following him out the door. After we exit the main gate, we navigate through some trees. I let him lead the way, being unfamiliar with the new plot of land. I’d only been out here a handful of times since Dad bought it after I’d moved out and started school. My parents would often spend their weekdays up here, just so they would be available to spend time with me when I was free on the weekends. Chris–as well as my dad’s brothers, his sister and their families–had all spent more time up here than I had.
“What’s on your mind?”
I keep following him, watching where I step, wondering how to bring this up to him. “Can this stay between us?”
“Is it anything I’m going to feel like I need to tell your parents?”
“I don’t think so. No.”
“Then okay.”
“I just need to talk to someone who hasn’t been around much over the past few years. Someone who doesn’t really know Zaina… someone who doesn’t feel like she’s part of the family.”
“I’ve met her a few times,” he says. “She’s a wonderful girl.”
“I know. Believe me, I know.”
“Did she do something wrong?”
If only she would. It would make this conversation unnecessary. “No. She never does. She never would.”
“Did you?”
“No.” I sigh after I answer. “I haven’t done anything. But I’ve met this girl at school. I have to be honest with you, I want to do things.”
“Ohhh, boy.”
“I would never cheat on Zai. I wouldn’t. I haven’t, and I never would.”
“Yeah?”
“I care about her a lot. So much, Chris. But… can you fall out of love with someone?”
“Let’s back up,” he says. “Let’s go back to this other girl. You go to school with her?”
“Yeah. I’m her copy editor on the school paper.”
“She doesn’t sound like someone you should be thinking about dating right now, anyway. You’re her editor? Is that, like, an official position or something?”
“Not really, but ethically, maybe we shouldn’t date for that reason, but there’s no rule against it.”
“How do you feel about her?”
“She… she excites me,” I say, noticing the involuntary smile. “I feel extremes. Highs and lows. Happy and distraught. Anxious. Nervous. On the edge of my seat every time she talks to me.”
“Everything’s new,” he says.
“Exactly!”
“Yeah… that’ll happen.” he says nonchalantly.
“What do you mean?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “You’ll meet people like that as you go through life. People who are different than anyone you’ve ever met. People who seem to change your direction–or have the potential to, anyway. But you chose Zaina for a reason.”
“I mean, yeah. When I was fifteen. She was smart and beautiful and different from all the other girls in my school. I’d ask her out all over again. But…” My palms are suddenly sweaty. “I don’t understand your point.”
“It’s… it’s lust, Trey. It’s fleeting.”
“I think it’s more than that,” I argue. My uncle stops walking and turns around.
“I’ve been there,” he says. “How long have you and Zaina been together?”
“Four years.”
“That’s a really, really long time. How long have you known… what’s her name?”
I hesitate uttering her name. Doing so will be admitting to another soul that she’s a part of my world. But she is. “Coley.”
“That’s an interesting name.”
“It’s short for Nicolea. She hates that.”
“So… you’ve known Coley…”
“Just since the beginning of the semester. Since mid-January.”
“Trey, kiddo, yeah… don’t make any decisions with Zaina based on what you know of a girl you met a month and a half ago. She’s–she’s just a shiny new toy–”
“She’s not, Chris,” I say, offended by the suggesti
on. “She’s not a toy. She’s not a plaything. She’s a girl I respect and admire and like.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” he says. His expression is one of concern. “Are you looking for advice? Permission?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. Everything is so… level, with Zai. We have everything figured out. She has everything figured out. Where we’ll live after graduation, how long we should be engaged, where she wants to get married, how many children we should have–and not only that, but how far apart we should have them. And it’s not like I don’t like her plans or didn’t have a say in them. I guess we talked about them all years ago. It’s more that we have all these plans already, and I’m only nineteen.”
“But you’ve always been a planner. I thought that’s why you two were so good together.”
“Coley isn’t like that, though, and it’s easy to get carried away with that lifestyle. I find myself wanting that. She makes me want to break out of my routine and do unexpected things with my life. Things no one would see coming. Things I never saw coming.”
“Things like breaking it off with your girlfriend of four years, who you’ve apparently discussed marriage with.”
“We aren’t engaged,” I tell him. “We agreed to wait until after college–and see? That right there is bullshit. A planned engagement. Makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t want to be that predictable.”
“You can be unpredictable and stay with Zaina, you know? You can make changes to your life that don’t involve being with this other girl… Coley. Have you thought of that?”
I haven’t. To me, it was a package deal. The spontaneous life comes with the free-spirited Coley Fitzsimmons. When I think about a future with her, the whole world opens up with possibilities. When I consider the one I’m headed toward, though, I’m boxed in with Zaina in a room where the walls are creeping toward me and the ceiling is caving in. I feel like I’m hyperventilating.
“No, I haven’t considered that,” I tell him, struggling with my breathing.
“You’re not having another asthma attack, are you?” he asks.
“I haven’t had one of those since I was a kid,” I tell him, concentrating on inhaling and exhaling to avoid another panic attack out in the middle of nowhere.
“You just had one last week,” he says, not knowing the true story.
“I’m fine.”
“If you still love Zaina, and just don’t want this–what did you call it–level or planned life with her, you could surprise her with an early proposal, you know? No girl would be disappointed in that. You don’t have to do it now, but start making your plans. That’ll make things more interesting.”
“Right,” I say, feeling monumentally disappointed, having hoped for completely different advice from my uncle today. “Something to think about, I guess.”
“Anna’s great with jewelry, too. I could tell her you need some help–”
“You said you’d keep this between us,” I remind him.
“Okay,” he says. “I was just offering.”
I check the time on my phone and decide to head back to Manhattan. “Thanks for the talk, Chris. I need to get back to the city. I have a chapter meeting at the Sig Rho house,” I lie, not worrying about it since I’m already walking in the opposite direction.
“You can just say you have a party to go to!” he shouts behind me. “I was in college once!”
I wave, not knowing if he even saw me.
Once I’m in the car, I call Zaina.
“Do you have any fraternity functions this week?” she asks. “I’m trying to pack appropriately.”
“No,” I tell her, deciding not to mention to her that I’d quit Sigma Rho, either. “Don’t pack for anything special.”
“Why not? Don’t you think we can go out for a nice dinner one night while I’m there?” she pleads. “Just one?”
“Zai, I have school, and–”
“But Friday,” she interrupts. “You can’t tell me you have to study on Friday. I don’t leave until Sunday.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I say reluctantly and hope she doesn’t pick up on it.
“Will a cocktail dress be okay?”
“I don’t know,” I tell her, half-laughing. “You asked me. I didn’t make reservations in the past thirty seconds while I was on the phone with you. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“Okay. I just didn’t know how you’d want to see me. I wanted to dress for you,” she says meekly.
“You’re always pretty to me.”
“You’re sweet.”
In 36 hours, she’s not going to be thinking I’m sweet anymore. “Zaina, I’m about to hit a dead spot. We’re going to get cut off.”
“Okay. I have a lot to do, anyway. Can’t wait to see you, Tria.”
“You, either, Zai. Bye.”
After I’m past the section of poor cellular service, I return Max’s call. “What the hell, man?” he asks me, not even saying hello first.
“What?”
“You’ve had another girl staying with you all week?”
“Did Zaina tell you this?”
“Of course.”
“Did she tell you the circumstances?”
“Yeah, but who gives a fuck? That’s not cool. Do you know how hurt she is?”
“I was thinking I’d be catching up with my best friend, not being reprimanded by Zaina’s victim’s advocate. I’ve done nothing wrong, Max. Coley and I have a platonic relationship. Plus, she’s not there anymore.”
“You better have some serious groveling ready. And a grand gesture for an apology,” he warns. “She may sound sweet on the phone, man, but she’s angry.”
“Great,” I tell him. “This should be fun, then.”
“I just wanted to give you a heads-up.”
“Yeah, Max. I really appreciate that.” I hope he can hear the sarcasm.
“You wanna be blindsided by this?”
“No,” I admit. “Thank you.”
“Is she overreacting? Is she upset over nothing?”
His question catches me completely off-guard. I can’t tell him what’s going on in my head, because it’s sure to make it back to Zaina, and I want every word of this to come first-hand from me, in person.
“You’re breaking up, Max. What?” I ask, stalling.
“Is she upset over nothing?”
“I mean, I guess I see where she’s coming from, but the reason Coley was at my place was completely circumstantial. We were helping out a friend who had nowhere else to be, for one thing, and she and I are working on a really big story for the paper–one that Zaina encouraged me to go after, I might add.”
“Well, I’m sure she didn’t intend for another woman to be living with you.”
“Stop saying it like that. Plus, Max, you know what my life is like. You know I can’t get away with anything. People know all of my business. If something was going on between us, you’d know,” I tell him.
“But not if you relegate everything to one private location. Like. Your. Apartment. It’s perfect.”
“Oh, my God. You’re a conspiracy theorist gone mad. How long have you and Zai been obsessing over this?” He doesn’t answer. “You guys know me better than that. I wouldn’t cheat on her.”
“You haven’t before, but…” he states.
“Max, I’m insulted. Just because Callen cheated on you doesn’t mean everyone has the propensity to cheat. Some guys do the right thing and keep their hands and dicks to themselves until they can end things with the other person.”
“Callen didn’t want to end things,” he reminds me. “Callen had a drunken, momentary lapse in judgment that ruined what we had.”
“I know.”
“Wait, do you want to end things with Zai?”
“Is that what I said?” I ask, sounding incredulous.
“It could be interpreted that way.”
“It’s not what I said.” I avoid the question this way.
He’s quiet for a few seconds. “
Did Jon and Livvy know about these living arrangements?” he asks me. I consider my answer, but don’t respond before he continues. “Because if it was truly nothing, I would have expected your parents to know, and your sister and my brother. But Jon didn’t mention anything to me when I talked to him twice this week, and I’m pretty sure that’s something he would have brought up. It’s not every day Trey Holland decides to let a woman stay at his place with him.”
“It was so truly nothing that it wasn’t worth mentioning to them, Max.” When he finds out the truth, he’s going to be so pissed off at me, and I hate that. I hid the fact that Coley was staying with me every time I talked to my mom and dad. The one time I spoke with my sister, Coley didn’t know I was on the phone with her and had shouted a question to me from the other room. It piqued Livvy’s interest and she asked who it was. I lied and told her my television un-muted itself unexpectedly.
My family would have had serious questions about Coley being at my apartment, particularly because of the night I first told them about her. The night I had trouble even saying her name in front of them. Jon had picked up on my attraction to her right from the start. I’d made it a point since that day to never talk about her in front of my brother-in-law.
“Max, just know I’m only trying to do what I feel is best for everyone, okay?” I plead with him. “That’s all I ever try to do. My intent is good. You need to stop fueling Zaina’s suspicions that something’s been going on with me and someone else. I’ve known you most of my life. When have you known me to be that shady prick who would do what you’re suggesting?”
“Never,” he admits.
“Then… whatever comes of this fight, know that I haven’t done it this time, either, okay? She may be angry and say hateful things, but the truth should still be what I’m judged upon by my friends and family. Not by how she feels.”
“What does that mean?”
“You’re the one who tells me she’s mad,” I explain, putting it back on him but hoping he’ll remember what I said when Zaina calls him with the news, which I’m sure she’ll do once the breakup is official.
“All right,” he says. “Call me sometime this week and let me know how it goes.”