Because it may have been different if he loved her.
Even just a little bit.
But attraction and lust were not love.
His soft tone interrupted her thoughts. “…It will simply take a few days to obtain a special license. Lady Southridge will be the soul of discretion, I assure you, and your reputation will remain pristine, your virtue quite intact.” He traced her face with soft fingertips, wiping her tears away.
Because she did the wrong thing, he now was doing the right thing. And it was costing him. She didn’t doubt his attraction to her, she didn’t doubt that he had strong emotional attachment, but she did doubt her ability to keep him. He was, after all, a duke. If that weren’t enough, the rumors of his mistresses and dalliances were the stuff of legends. Bad legends, but legends nonetheless. How could she hope to hold his affections for more than a few months, years even? He’d tie himself to her legally, but his heart? Who would own that? The thought of him keeping it to himself, or worse yet, giving it to another when she was the one sharing his name was enough to cause a nauseous feeling to overwhelm all other senses. No.
She’d save them both. She’d save her heart and at the same time, save his dignity. He’d thank her later when he married some rich titled woman with all the right connections. Surely, he’d forget about her, even if she never forgot about him.
“Carlotta?” he asked, his tone like a caress.
She shivered in desire.
“Yes?” she asked, her plans solidifying.
“What do you say?” he asked.
“I think it would be best to speak of it in the morning, your grace.” She glanced down to the floor.
“Carlotta—”
“Please…” And because she knew it would provide enough of a distraction, she used his name. “…Charles.”
His gaze ignited and he bent down to kiss her once more, lingering long enough for Carlotta to force herself away, against her own fierce desire to melt into him once more.
“Good night,” she whispered, forcing herself to walk to the door.
“Carlotta, are you sure… please wait,” he pleaded, holding his hand slightly out towards her.
“I just need time… please.”
He watched her intently, she could see the war within his mind battling in the dark and intense gaze, but he nodded.
Sighing silently in relief, she made her way into the hall… and ran.
“Please, Carlotta, Miss Lottie, stop. I beg you.” Lady Southridge’s voice called to her just as she reached her door.
“Forgive me, my lady. My behavior was inexcusable.” Carlotta paused with her hand on the door, willing to escape as soon as possible, but her conscience —the blasted morality that decided to wake up after the fiasco in the library!— wouldn’t let her escape to the safety of her room till she apologized.
“No, no there’s no need. I’m afraid it’s rather my fault,” Lady Southridge commented guiltily.
Carlotta turned, watching the fair woman take a few tentative steps towards her.
“You see, I was, am, quite a meddlesome person. Charles, Lord knows I love him like my own son, but he is quite… dense. I, er, suggested earlier that he compromise you, never once considering he’d actually take my advice—”
“Lady Southridge there’s no need—”
“Please, let me explain. You see, Charles, he is quite in love with you, my dear. I’m sure that’s why he acted as he did.”
“By compromising me?” Carlotta asked, toneless. Though her memory reminded her that she was quite responsible for said compromising.
“By trying not to. I assume your virtue is still intact?”
From the top of her head to the tip of her toes, she flushed, blushing painfully. Nodding she stared at the ground, willing it to open up and swallow her.
“Your innocent nature will not understand just how much restraint he was using to keep you that pure, my dear. Rather than see his actions as dishonorable, please consider the opposite. That’s all I wanted to say, and I feel I’m failing miserably, but please, that fact that he didn’t truly compromise you is the truth of the depth of his love. Because he thought of you, before the demands of his own body.”
With a nod, Lady Southridge disappeared into the night.
Carlotta blinked in the darkness, her mind spinning, trying to digest all the information from Lady Southridge. It was an intriguing thought to consider the converse of his actions, especially when coupled with her responsibility in the whole disaster.
Intriguing and damning, because if there ever was an appropriate time for a lady to curse, it was now.
Damning because more than ever she realized just how it was all her fault.
****
Carlotta awoke to a soft knocking on the door. Expecting Berty having suffered a nightmare, she opened the door without putting on her robe.
Tibbs, not Berty was on the other side of the door, the austere butler, averting his eyes rapidly once he saw her, cleared his throat before speaking. “Miss Carlotta, you have a caller. Forgive me for the early interruption, but your solicitor, Mr. Burrows is quite adamant that he sees you, immediately.” He spoke articulately, to the floor.
“Thank you, I’ll be down in a moment once I’m presentable.”
“Very good, he is waiting in the green parlor.”
“Thank you.”
Carlotta closed the door and leaned against it, her heart beating rapidly. For a split second, when she opened the door and, glancing down to see Berty, saw a highly shined pair of boots instead, she thought it might have been the duke. Her heart raced, relieved and simultaneously disappointed when she saw it was in fact, Tibbs, rather than the duke in the hall.
What could Mr. Burrows possibly need? Immediately her heart seized in her chest. Garden Gate! Was there something amiss? Her mind began to conjure up thousands of miserable plights from fire to locusts destroying her last connection to her family. With reckless speed, she put on the simplest frock and pinned her hair into a barely respectable bun before all but racing to the parlor.
“Mr. Burrows?” she asked, tilting her head and walking into the sitting room.
Smiling, he stood and strode over to her, bowing politely and gesturing for her to sit.
If he was smiling, surely he had good news, didn’t he?
“Forgive my early arrival. You’ve been a difficult woman to track down. I would have been here last night but my arrival in the area was too late to call. I stayed overnight in Bath and didn’t want to waste another moment in relaying to you the change in your situation.”
“Change?” Carlotta asked as the small framed man sat across from her and withdrew a stack of papers from his bag.
“Yes, indeed. I have not only discovered that your investment in the Caribbean has turned an immense profit, but, that you have a cousin, a wealthy viscount who upon learning your familial relationship, wishes to marry into your family so that Garden Gate will not fall out of the family.” He nodded as if utterly satisfied.
Carlotta blinked A profit? A way to keep Garden Gate? Could it be true?
“I don’t know what to say, your grace,” she whispered, not trusting her voice. Thoughts of the duke, his laugh, the twinkle in his loch blue eyes and the taste of his kiss flooded her mind.
“I’m sure this is all quite a shock. I’ll explain further if you’d like, but I’m hoping you’ll accompany me to Garden Gate. There are a few documents you’ll need to sign, and I’ve taken the liberty in having the Viscount Darby meet us there. His reputation is valiant, I might add. I took the additional liberty of making sure he wasn’t a fortune hunter or wastrel.”
“Thank you,” she mumbled, because there was nothing more to say.
“Of course! Will you accompany me? I’m sure, given the change in your station, the duke will excuse you for a few days. In the meantime I’m sure he’ll be able to find a replacement governess for the wards.”
The girls!
Carlotta took
in a sharp breath. The girls, she couldn’t leave them for any length of time without saying goodbye.
“If the duke allows me, I’ll leave with you as soon as I can pack. I must say goodbye to the girls, however. And I must return in a few day’s time, I’ll not shirk my responsibility, regardless of my change in station.” She didn’t mention that she didn’t know how she’d be able to say goodbye to the girls, or the duke. Nor did she even entertain the idea of marrying the Viscount Darby. It was too much, the fresh emotions from last night had left her heart raw.
Though the idea of marrying the Viscount did offer the perfect escape. But she refused to dwell on it. One moment at a time, that was how she’d survive the day.
“Let me find Tibbs.” Carlotta stood and walked to the door. After locating the butler, who was standing down the hall as if waiting for her, she explained the situation, omitting the part about the Viscount. Tibbs nodded sagely.
“Miss Lottie, his grace is unavailable. He left earlier this morning, at dawn. I’m not sure when he will return either as he didn’t give me any particulars. However, if memory serves correctly, this is your day off, having been rescheduled from the previous day because of your picnic. Am I correct?”
“Er, yes, actually. Thank you Tibbs. That will work out nicely. I’ll simply leave his grace a note explaining my plans.”
“Very good. Should we expect you back tonight?”
“Actually, no. I will likely be gone for a few days. That will not work. Hmm.” Biting her lip, she thought over a solution.
“If I may be so bold, Miss Lottie? Perhaps you can speak with Lady Southridge?”
“Yes, I believe I will. Do you know where I might find her?”
“In the dining room, breaking her fast.”
“Thank you, Tibbs. Please excuse me.”
Her heart beat rapidly as she approached the dining room. In all truth, the last thing she wanted was to talk with Lady Southridge after their midnight conversation, but there was no other option with the duke gone to who knows where.
And, upon reflection, she wondered quite painfully where he had gone. In the whirlwind of all the information from Mr. Burrows, she hadn’t stopped to consider the duke’s absence. Why had he left? He couldn’t have returned to London, his guest, Lady Southridge was still in attendance.
Carlotta had to hold off on her runaway thoughts as she entered the dining room only to find Lady Southridge absent, the girls, however, were all grinning at her through slightly sleepy eyes.
“Good morning, Miss Lottie!” Bethanny chirped, her expression beautiful if not slightly drowsy.
“Good morning, girls. I trust you slept well?” Carlotta asked as she rounded the table and caressed Berty’s cheek, smoothed Beatrix’s hair and squeezed Bethanny’s shoulder in succession.
“Yes, quite well,” Beatrix spoke softly, the quietest of the three sisters.
“I’m thankful to hear it. Have you by chance seen Lady Southridge?”
“No, the dining room was empty when we arrived. I haven’t seen her all morning,” Bethanny answered, her expression curious.
“Oh, I need to speak with her.”
“Is something the matter?” Berty asked.
“Yes, no, well, I’m going to be gone for a few days.” Carlotta sat down across from the girls, wanting to be as honest as possible. They deserved as much. “It would seem that an investment my father made, has made a change in my financial position—”
“You’re going to not be our governess anymore?” Beatrix burst out, her expression horrorstricken.
“What?” Berty shouted, tears brimming in her eyes.
“Yes, I’m still your governess. I’m not saying that kind of goodbye, I’m just needed to address some matters.”
“Oh, you’ll be back though?” Bethanny asked her eyes wide with concern.
“Yes. I’ll be back.”
The girls visibly relaxed at her reaffirmation. “I do need to find Lady Southridge, however. I’ll come and say goodbye before I finally depart.”
“Very well.” The girls spoke hesitatingly, their eyes wary despite her reassurance.
Carlotta quit the room and began to search for Lady Southridge.
And found her speaking with Mr. Burrows.
Never had she been so thankful for client confidentiality.
“Lady Southridge.” Carlotta curtseyed. “I have a matter to discuss with you, if you have a moment?”
“Of course.” Lady Southridge eyed Mr. Burrows worriedly and turned to Carlotta.
“It would seem that an investment my late father made in the Caribbean, has changed my situation. Mr. Burrows wishes for me to accompany him to my estate, Garden Gate, to finalize the particulars. To do this, I’ll be needing a few days off from my responsibilities.”
“I see.” Lady Southridge appeared worried.
“I’ll be returning, my lady.” Carlotta felt compelled to add.
“Oh, I’m sure, I meant I never mean to imply that you’d disregard—” She eyed Mr. Burrows. “—the girls.” She cleared her throat, and shot a very direct gaze to Carlotta.
Because she didn’t mean the girls as much as she meant the duke.
She was not to disregard the duke.
“I wouldn’t disappoint the girls in such a way.” Carlotta glanced to the ground, not able to meet her implication with the affirmation she sought.
“You will return.” Lady Southridge spoke in a clear authoritative voice.
“Yes, my lady.”
“And I’m assuming you’re asking my permission since his grace is strangely absent?”
“Yes.”
“Very well. I’ll expect you to be back within three day’s time, however.”
“Very good, Lady Southridge. I’m sure I’ll be back by then, if not before.”
Lady Southridge took a deep breath, her eyes narrowing slightly before she turned and excused herself form Mr. Burrows and Carlotta.
“If you’ll excuse me, Mr. Burrows, I’ll gather my things.”
Nodding he strode to the fire and waited.
****
Less than an hour later Carlotta sought out the girls. After whispering goodbyes amidst hugs and far more tears than she cared to admit, she walked down the hall to where Mr. Burrows waited.
“It is clear you’ve grown quite fond of your charges,” Mr. Burrows commented, his eyes compassionate.
“I have, indeed.” Carlotta sniffed delicately.
“Garden Gate is not far. With such a maternal instinct, I hope I’m not being too forward in stating that perhaps you should seriously consider the Viscount’s offer of marriage. Surely a woman such as yourself with a remarkably tender disposition should have children of her own.” He led them down the stairs.
His words hit their mark, but not in the way he likely would have assumed. Carlotta immediately imagined little fat babies… with summer sky blue eyes and thick patches of dark hair, wide lips and mischievous grins remarkably like their father’s.
The very children she could never bear.
But ached for regardless.
“I’m not offended, Mr. Burrows. Thank you for your kind insight,” she responded.
“I hired a maid from Bath, she’ll attend you in case there isn’t one available at Garden Gate. I hope that’s acceptable?”
He helped Carlotta into the carriage then entered as well. “Thank you, I hadn’t considered that.”
“You’re a very wealthy young lady, the daughter of a baron. Your station requires far more propriety than that of a governess.” He shrugged.
Immediately they set towards Garden Gate, a war waging within Carlotta. Not three months ago, she was lamenting leaving her precious home, certain her heart would remain in the halls of Garden Gate without her. Yet, now, the further she traveled from Greenford Waters, the fainter her heartbeat sounded to her own ears.
Her heart had found a new home. And while she struggled to convince herself that it was because of her fierce attachme
nt to the girls… she knew the truth. No matter how she fought it, tried to forget it and insisted against it, her heart was held by none other than the Duke of Clairmont.
The very man whom she could never have.
Chapter Twelve
“Lady Southridge! Damn it all where are you?” Charles shouted from the hall, his tone menacing and impatient.
“Charles what is the matter and why, in heaven’s name, are you bellowing?” Lady Southridge emerged from the library, her expression irritated.
“You! The only thing preventing me from strangling your meddlesome neck is the fact that you have information I need, and if I killed you, I’d never know it. I ask you, where. Is. Carlotta?” He spoke through clenched teeth. He felt like a wild animal barely under control.
That morning he had left at first light to ride and obtain a special license. It had taken him longer than he anticipated due to a miserable rainstorm that halted his progress on the way home. Expecting to sweep Carlotta away at the first opportunity he was shocked, and quite crushed to realize that the very woman he was intending to sweep away, was not in residence.
Betrayal, hurt and anger all fought for dominion in his heart… until he found a target— Lady Southridge. Poor Tibbs had wisely taken a few steps back from the duke when he explained the situation, and who had granted the permission for her to leave.
Truly, he had never been more tempted to commit murder in his life. What had those daft women been thinking? He had been very clear about his intentions with Carlotta. And why in the bloody hell did Lady Southridge let her go?
“Carlotta will be back in a few days, Charles. Settle down. You look positively wild. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, you know.”
Not the thing to say.
He took a very deliberate step towards her, unblinking he stared hard into her eyes. “I dare you to repeat that.”
Lady Southridge took a step back.
Perhaps the woman had some sense after all.
“Charles, she was with her solicitor, Mr. Burrows. Didn’t Tibbs tell you? I’m assuming you know that much since he said I had given her permission.” She glanced up as if exasperated.
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