by Ali Dean
“No crutches?” he asks.
“Not around the apartment. My legs are feeling better anyway.” Our apartment is tiny, so as soon as walking became mostly pain-free, I stopped trying to clamber around the place with crutches. It’s my only cheating so far, but I think Coach would understand.
I plop down in the living room armchair, and he follows suit on the couch. I know he came here to say something, so I wait for him to break the silence. Wes puts his hands on his knees.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” he says with genuine regret in his voice.
“What exactly are you apologizing for?” I knew he was being stand-offish to protect me, so I don’t need an apology.
“For making you worry about me. For being stupid enough to start dealing again. But today I fixed it. I hope.”
“Yeah?” Now I’m curious.
“Gage Fitzgerald is the new ‘roid dealer on campus,” Wes announces.
“You’re out?” I’m relieved. Wes’s relapse to drug dealing (if it can even be called that) was short-lived before he saw the error of his ways.
“Not only that, but one of the conditions of Gage getting my supplier’s contact was that he has yours and Jace’s backs.”
My eyes narrow. “What exactly does that mean?”
“He’ll stop bugging Jace to be a Sig Beta social symbol or whatever the hell he thinks Jace can do for him, and he’ll stop being an asshole when he doesn’t get what he wants.” So he won’t use me to get to Jace. That’s one less person, at least.
“You must have told him this after you left the gym,” I say dryly.
Wes’s jaw clenches the same way Jace’s does when he’s angry. “Why? What did he do?”
“Nothing,” I say on a sigh. “Some attempt at an apology for being a jerk and then telling me I should get Jace to stop taking himself so seriously and come out and have fun.”
Wes relaxes a little and then shakes his head. “He can be a real idiot when he’s fucked up, which I’ve noticed is frequently. But yeah, I talked to him about the terms after we left the gym. Him saying stupid shit to you isn’t the most important term, though.”
“What’s that?”
“He’ll keep Clayton Dennison in check.”
“Gage Fitzgerald will keep Clayton Dennison in check? Gage is mister fraternity hot shot on campus and Clayton is mister athlete hot shot. How is one supposed to keep the other in check?”
“Clayton’s not the hot shot he used to be. Some guy named Jace Wilder is now the hottest athlete on campus.”
I roll my eyes. “That’s not what I’m getting at.”
“Gage will be dealing to Clayton and his team. He can use that in a lot of ways. For starters, he can stop dealing to them. Or he can out the team. Gage has the connections to really fuck up Clayton’s MLB chances.”
“What’s Clayton’s problem anyway? Jace doesn’t even go out. He’s all football. And me,” I add with a sweet smile.
“And you,” Wes agrees with a laugh before getting serious again. “Jace’s lack of partying is only working to give him a sense of allure and mystery.”
That makes me laugh. Hard. Because I have to say, it really doesn’t surprise me. My boyfriend does nothing but go to class, train, sleep, and hang out with me and his parents. Yet this only makes the guys admire him more and the girls want him more.
Wes laughs with me. “He’s always had that though, hasn’t he?”
My laughter fades. It’s true. Before he started seeing me romantically, Jace’s mysteriousness was dark. It wasn’t so much a mystery to me – I knew that underneath his coolness, his leadership, there was sadness and pain from his mom’s abandonment. That’s not something that goes away. I don’t know if it was his mom returning or me getting closer to him, but the sadness and pain seems to have disappeared. Sometimes I fear they are just hiding, but my hope is those feelings will continue healing with time.
“Anyway,” Wes continues, “even if the campus wasn’t fascinated by Jace Wilder, the media attention has crowned him UC’s savior – in football at least, after the last couple games. Dennison’s a really competitive dude. He doesn’t like another guy taking the spotlight. Not when he’s had it for a couple years now.”
I nod, beginning to understand. “It’s like a repeat of his junior year at Brockton,” I reflect. “He was expecting to be the king of the school, but Jace came along as a freshman and tainted it for him.”
“Dennison’s been carrying a giant two by four on his shoulder about Jace Wilder ever since,” Wes agrees.
We head into the kitchen to make hot chocolate, Wes checking a text while I get out the mugs. My phone buzzes a minute later.
Zoe: I invited Wes to the party. I shouldn’t really expect him to show tho, right?
Sighing, I glance at Wes. I don’t want to play any role with Zoe and Wes, two of my closest friends. No one wants to be put in that position. But Wes thrives in social environments, and I sort of feel like celebrating his accomplishment today. A high school party probably isn’t his first choice, but Wes is so easy going that as long as there are people, drinks, and a girl he’s interested in around, he’ll be down. This is being a good friend, right? Hanging alone with me on a Saturday night would just make him feel lonelier than he already is.
“Should we go check out this party?” I ask.
“Up to you, Pep. You look like you were planning on a night in,” he says and gestures to my yoga pants and slippers.
“I was about to go to sleep,” I admit. It’s almost ten, which is my bedtime on school nights. Turns out I’m not so bad at this resting business.
Except, we do end up heading over to the party. We put the hot chocolate in to-go mugs, and Wes pours some liquor from Gran’s cabinet in his. Me, I just top it with whipped cream. The address is in Wes’s gated community, ironically, and it’s actually hosted by a girl who goes to Wes’s old high school, Lincoln Academy.
Neither of us has changed our clothes, but I don’t think that’s the only reason everyone turns to stare at us when we walk into the kitchen. It’s an exclusive party, something I should have realized right away by the few cars parked outside. And aside from perhaps Zoe, it’s a wealthy crowd. The clothes alone tell me that.
Omar and Rollie must not have made the cut, because the only other Brockton Public people are Dana Foster, Tina Anderson and Diego Thompson. Zoe looks relieved to see me, and I can tell it’s not only because Wes is with me. She might be a social butterfly, but she knows this isn’t her crowd, and she’d much prefer having Brockton Public kids surrounding her.
Wes either senses Zoe’s anxiety or remembers the rumors spreading about him and me because he heads right to her and places his arms on her waist in greeting. Some of the tension in the room eases when he does this and I realize that Wes and I showing up in workout/sleep clothes together late on a Saturday night when everyone knows the football team is away was probably a very bad idea. Hopefully Wes recognizes this faux-pas as well and makes out very publicly with Zoe. She didn’t exactly warn me this “party” was a get together with only a dozen people.
A girl with a short stylish haircut introduces herself and offers me a drink. I hold up my mug and tell her I’m fine. She keeps eyeing Wes, and it hits me why she looks familiar. I saw Wes with her at a party last year. Well, I’m sure he’s been in a room with more than one girl he’s hooked up with before. And since she’s clearly the host and Wes’s neighbor, Wes knew exactly what he was getting himself into before we came inside. It’s not my problem, I remind myself.
With Zoe and Wes together and conversation resuming in the huge kitchen, I join Dana and Diego, who are talking with a couple of Lincoln Academy guys. I still don’t consider Brockton Public’s popular people my friends, but we’ve associated enough this semester for me to be comfortable mingling with them for a couple of hours.
“What do you think, Pepper Jones?” One of the guys, whom I don’t think I’ve ever met, acknowledges that I’ve joined the
conversation.
“Think about what?”
“A guy on our team,” he says, as though I should know what team he’s on, “has been with this girl for like, six months, and they haven’t slept together yet. That’s weird, right?”
I almost drop my mug of hot chocolate. The question hits way too close to home. It was a really bad idea to come here tonight.
When I don’t answer right away, his friend jumps in, “I mean, this is high school, right, and the dude’s a senior. He either needs to lose the v-card with this girl ASAP or break up with her and find someone else because he can’t be a virgin in college.”
The logical side of me is saying these guys are idiots. But the emotional side of me is panicking. How in the world did Jace wait this long? Why? Is something wrong between us? Ten months. That’s how long we’ve been together.
Diego, Dana, and the two idiots look at me, expecting some sort of response. I shrug, afraid too strong of a reaction will give me away. “I have no idea who you’re talking about so can’t say I have much of an opinion about his virginity.”
The guys laugh, even though it wasn’t funny, and begin talking about something else that is also probably none of their business.
I can just imagine the shock if people discovered I was still a virgin after ten months with Jace Wilder. But I’m hoping that will change soon, as long as I can convince Jace the decision is on my terms, and not because of his background or because of what people would say. Though I don’t like thinking that many girls have had what I have not, that’s not why I want him. There’s no one else I want to be with like that. Just Jace.
Chapter 16
Showing up at the gym on crutches is weird, no doubt about it. But the thing is, there are a lot of exercises you can do without putting pressure on your shins. Walking just isn’t one of them. Sunday morning I go through the new weight lifting and exercise program that the trainer showed me. It’s not very rigorous, but it will help maintain some of my running strength. Though I’m excited to work out, I find myself rushing through it in order to see Jace. The team flew back from Utah this morning and he should be back in his dorm by the time I’m done.
Jace must have missed me too, because his familiar Jeep is waiting in the gym parking lot when I head outside. It’s only been three days since I last saw him, but it feels like weeks. He scoops me up and puts me in the passenger seat before pulling out of the parking lot with unexpected urgency.
“In a hurry?” My first guess is that he’s hungry. That usually gets him moving.
He flashes a smile that I like to think is reserved for me. It’s full of promises and mischief. “Yes,” he simply replies. “We’re going to Shadow Lane. Dad’s out of town with Sheila this weekend.”
My heart rate immediately picks up. Has he been having the same thoughts as I have? His bed at his dad’s is bigger, and with Jim gone, it will be much more private than his dorm.
“I have some stuff I need to grab and I figured you could take a shower there if you want,” he explains. Well, maybe he doesn’t have ulterior motives, but I do.
When he turns onto Shadow Lane and pulls into his driveway, the rightness of this time and place sinks in. We made it through the transition from friends to more. We stayed strong through high school and we’ve grown stronger since college started. I feel like Jace and I can face anything together. Coming back here now, after so much has happened between us, I’m confident we waited until the right moment. We know who we are. Together and apart.
Jace suspects there’s something on my mind when we descend the stairs and head into his bedroom together. It’s dark down here, but the natural light streaming in from the window is enough. I stop Jace from turning on the overhead light.
“No, I want to keep it this way,” I say meaningfully.
I tug him close and trace along his jawline, watching his green eyes blaze as they take me in, studying my body language. I want you. That’s what I’m thinking and what my body is feeling. And there’s little doubt that Jace has understood the message when he closes his eyes briefly, letting me take control. It’s usually him leading the way. And that’s how I like it. But right now, I need to tell him with my touch what I want. Slowly, I undress completely until I stand before him with nothing on. The heat between us, and the promise in his gaze, is all I can think about.
I let him drink me in before tugging his clothes off. He’s already ready for me but I lead him to his attached bathroom, turning on the shower. We’ve been patient for ten months now, or is it our entire lives? We can take a quick rinse together first.
As we help wash each other, I’m glad I already told him that I’ve been on birth control since we started dating. Gran’s idea. At least we don’t have to bring that up now. Though I’m acting confident, my hands are shaking. My heart might be sure of this, but it’s still scary. Jace takes my hands in his and turns off the shower.
“You know I would wait for as long as you wanted, Pepper,” Jace says.
“And you know that I want this.” I kiss him on the chest. “Now.” Kiss on the chin. “Today.” When my lips hit his, he lifts me up and carries me to his bed, somehow grabbing a towel and placing it underneath me on the way.
“I love you, Pepper Jones,” Jace tells me as he leans forward, water dripping from his forehead onto mine. There’s so much emotion in his voice, and he’s not afraid to let me hear it.
Jace’s mouth and hands run thoroughly over my body before he reaches for his bedside table to pull out a foil packet. Apparently he still keeps a stash of condoms here, but I don’t let my mind linger on how that habit developed in the first place. Instead, I’m simply thankful he’s prepared. Because I’m more than ready.
The initial contact is painful, which isn’t a surprise, but Jace is smooth and slow, whispering tender words as he exercises as much control over his body as he can muster. His motions are restrained but filled with so much more than lust. The pain turns quickly to pleasure, and the joy at being this close with the boy I’ve loved for as long as I can remember sends me over the edge faster than I expect. Jace doesn’t even try to prolong our first time and I don’t know if he could. The expression on his face when he finishes with me is one I will always remember. It’s happiness.
When I discover my cheeks are wet, and not from the shower, and Jace’s eyes glisten in return, we both laugh at the absurdity of our response. “Why are we crying?” I say, my voice muffled in his shoulder as he rests beside me.
“I never understood happy tears until now,” Jace tells me. He only shed one or two, but I’m a faucet.
This emotional response was not expected. I thought it would be much more overwhelming physically than emotionally. We’ve now shared everything two people can share, and it’s incredible. I’ve never felt closer to anyone.
How in the world do people have casual sex? I wonder. But I quickly wipe that thought away, not wanting it to take my thoughts on a path that brings anyone else into this bed, this room, with us.
Jace and I stay at the house all day – mostly in his room – but we venture up to the kitchen a couple times. The day is filled with so much sweetness and tenderness, I don’t know how either of us will return to the real world. So we don’t. At least not until the next day.
The only phone call I make is to Gran to let her know where I am. Jace texts Frankie where he is and then we disappear into our own world.
***
“You really don’t seem as depressed about your injury as I expected,” Zoe tells me at lunch the following Friday.
I’ve essentially been beaming nonstop since Sunday. I shrug, but keep the smile plastered on my face. Zoe eyes me suspiciously, but I’m not going to divulge something so private, even to my best girlfriend. Maybe someday it will come up, but it’s so fresh and magnificent. If I talk about it at the lunch table like it’s any old gossip, it will undermine how important it is.
“Are you excited for the official visit tomorrow or what?” Zoe asks.
It’ll be me with a group of seven other running recruits for an overnight with the UC team. The others have likely never visited UC before, though.
“Yeah, I am. It’ll be weird, though. I mean, I’ve probably already been to most of the places they’ll take us on the tour. Sometimes I feel like I’m already a college student.” I was going to the gym frequently before my injury, but now that my training is all in the pool and weight room, I’m at UC every morning and afternoon. I stop in for announcements with the team before biking over to campus. Zoe let me permanently “borrow” her bike as soon as I got off crutches and Coach said it’s cool as long as I’m just riding to get around town and I don’t ride up any major hills.
“Don’t you spend, like, every night in Jace’s dorm, too?” Tina Anderson has slid down the bench to join us.
“Most nights,” I tell her. It’s become more frequent. I come home to have dinner with Gran and to spend a little time doing homework, but I’ve been heading over to Jace’s dorm almost every other night recently. It’s the only time I get to see him during the week. He’ll finally be on campus with no game this weekend, but I’ve got the official visit, so we don’t get much time on the weekends either.
Tina expects me to elaborate about my nights with Jace, but given that I don’t even disclose those details to Zoe, she’s out of luck. Privacy is not a concept she understands. Sometimes I just want to turn it around on her and ask who she slept with recently and how it went, but I don’t care enough. Besides, she might revel in disclosing the details of her sex life.
Ignoring Tina, Zoe asks what the agenda is for the recruit trip. “I’m not sure yet. Probably a group run that I can’t participate in, a meal at the cafeteria, tour of campus, stuff like that. At least, that’s all we did at Oregon.”