Garrett had been her boyfriend. Carter had encouraged it. She and Garrett had been sleeping together and Carter just grit his teeth through those thoughts and the reminders. But once he’d had her, he could no longer ignore the possessive feelings that had been awakened. Once he’d claimed her, she was his.
Sharing her with Garrett had been something he’d struggled to accept, no matter if she’d been Garrett’s first.
Garret and Lacey had both let him into their bed willingly. Maybe not for keeps in their minds, but that’s not how Carter’s brain, and heart, worked.
It had all been so fucking confusing.
He’d left for Quinn immediately the next morning before he really screwed things up. Like he’d started to when he said yes to Garrett’s idea of a threesome for Lacey’s birthday in the first place.
Then Garrett had called him, and not just to check in.
Oh, no, the other man had to complicate everything.
He’d said that he and Lacey were interested in a long-term threesome. They wanted Carter to move in with them. They wanted an ongoing relationship, including sex, with him.
That conversation had sent Carter reeling. And wanting. He couldn’t deny that. Though a lot of it didn’t make sense to him, he’d felt tempted anyway. It was the only way he could have Lacey and also maintain the most important male friendship of his life, for one thing.
Then three days later Garrett called again. This time with something he’d really hoped to say in person, but realized he had to say as Carter thought everything through.
“I’m in love with you, man.”
Carter paused with his beer halfway to his lips. He frowned. He and Garrett had never talked about their feelings in any way, shape or form, but they both knew they felt like brothers. They’d been partners as cops, literally ready to lay down their lives for one another. They’d been close from the first time they met. It was a type of love, Carter admitted. But not one they needed to say out loud. Ever. “Uh, okay. Thanks. I feel the same way.”
There was a pause on Garrett’s end. “No, buddy, I don’t think you do. That’s what makes this tough.”
Carter felt a cold trickle of trepidation go through him. Garrett sounded far too serious. Carter set his beer down and gripped the edge of the counter, not even knowing why. “What do you mean?”
He heard Garrett take a deep breath. He gripped the counter harder.
“I’m in love with you.”
Holy shit. Carter felt his body go numb and he turned, leaning onto the counter so he wouldn’t sink to the floor. He’d known that Garrett was bisexual and it had never mattered to him. But knowing that he was an object of interest? That was…weird.
“What about Lacey?” he managed to force out as his throat tried to close on him.
“I love Lacey. Like seriously, forever kind of love. I want to spend my life with her.”
Carter could hear the sincerity in his friend’s voice.
“But?”
“But…you. I mean, I will totally be faithful to Lacey. Forever.”
“So why…” Carter just trailed off, not sure how or if he should finish that.
“You’re the only other person I could imagine being with forever,” Garrett said. “That’s why, when things were so great the other night and Lacey and I were talking and she said that she did want the long-term threesome if it was with you, I knew I had to tell you. You and Lacey are the only people I’ve ever felt this way about and if I can have you both…well, I had to at least try.”
Carter shoved a hand through his hair, still processing. But a few things came clearly to mind. “I’m not gay. Or bi,” he said.
“I know.”
“So, I don’t really get how that would work.”
“Just sharing the intimacy, like we did with Lacey, is good,” Garrett said. “It’s enough.”
“But you would want more.”
There was a pause on the other end of the phone and Carter braced himself.
“I would,” Garrett admitted. “And I won’t lie to you—the other night, being there with you was as much a turn on for me as being there with Lacey.”
“Seeing me naked.” Carter was trying to let it sink in without reacting badly.
“Yes.”
“Jesus,” he muttered, not sure what all he was feeling. He wasn’t, surprisingly, disgusted or turned off. He hadn’t felt any attraction or lust seeing Garrett naked. It had all been about Garrett being naked with Lacey. Doing things to Lacey. The only thing Carter had liked about Garrett’s cock was seeing it disappearing into Lacey’s mouth.
But yeah, that had been hot. Seeing Lacey out of her mind with his face between her legs and Garrett’s mouth on her nipples had been hot. Knowing the kind of pleasure they were giving her together had been…something he’d gladly repeat over and over.
So, maybe…
“It won’t be uncomfortable or awkward or whatever if I don’t want everything you do?” Carter asked, suddenly praying that could be true.
“You’re going to have to be okay with me wanting more, with me looking at you the way I do Lace,” Garrett said honestly.
Carter appreciated how candid he was being. “But we won’t…”
“I would never ask you to do something you don’t want to do.”
Carter breathed out. He believed Garrett. He would trust Garrett with his secrets, his lies, his life…with Lacey. He’d already trusted Garrett to take care of the most important person in Carter’s life.
“Of course, if you ever wanted to try it…” Garrett trailed off.
But his voice held a familiar teasing note that made Carter relax and even chuckle. “You’ll be the first to know.”
“I better fucking be.”
There was a heated, yes, even possessive note to Garrett’s voice then that, if Carter was honest—and never had to admit it to anyone else ever—made Carter’s gut tighten. And not in a bad way.
“Let me think about everything.”
“I get it,” Garrett said. “And for the record, I was never going to tell you. I never thought it would matter. But with Lacey…it matters.”
“Yeah,” Carter agreed.
Lacey had changed everything.
And that was what had kept him from jumping in. For months.
Not the idea that Garrett was attracted to him. Not the idea that he didn’t mind that as much as he would have expected. Not the idea of seeing Garrett naked on a regular basis.
But the idea that, if he agreed to their suggested arrangement, he would have been sharing Lacey for good. It would have been hot. It would have been good for her. He and Garrett together made the perfect man for her. And it was Garrett. Garrett loved her. He’d take care of her, he’d give her what Carter couldn’t; he’d make up for Carter’s shortcomings.
But Carter just hadn’t quite gotten to the point where he was sure. And he’d thought he had time to decide.
Then Garrett had gotten killed and now Carter would never know if they could have made it work.
It didn’t matter now, though, did it?
Garrett was gone, Lacey was here wanting him, and he could finally have her all to himself forever.
And feel like a complete dickhead forever.
Especially after he messed it all up and she compared him to Garrett and realized for herself that Carter could never be everything she needed, or deserved.
Carter dug the heels of his hands into his eyes.
Dammit.
He would now, forever, be competing with a ghost.
He felt her before he heard her. Lacey moved back into the room and it felt as if all of the air molecules shifted around him.
But he didn’t move his hands. He wasn’t sure he could look at her yet. Not without wanting everything and saying to hell with it even though he knew she deserved better.
The mattress dipped as she sat down and the next thing he felt was her curling against his side, tucking her leg between his and resting her hand on
his stomach.
She was naked and smelling fresh and clean. Which only made him want to mark her again with his scent and the scent of them together.
Carter was glad he hadn’t taken his pants all the way off and that he’d at least tucked himself back in, even if he hadn’t zipped up.
He wanted her again. Still. But they had to cool this off.
He needed to know what she was here for. She said she’d come because it was her birthday. She was sad, lonely. She’d missed him.
That all made sense. But she’d also done more than hint that she wanted more than sex. That Garrett would have been okay with it, would have chosen it.
That might be true.
But it might not.
Garrett knew Carter. Better than anyone. He knew that Carter had no intention of being a husband and father. Which might have been why Garrett thought the three of them would have been perfect.
He, actually, believed Garrett had been in love with him before he’d said it. Looking back, he saw things that he’d ignored because he hadn’t known what to do with them. And it would have been just like Garrett to realize that a threesome could have saved Carter too.
That thought stabbed him in the heart.
Being with Lacey and Garrett would have given Carter the family he wouldn’t have allowed himself to have. Garrett would have wanted to give him that. Give him a chance to have kids without feeling like he was screwing them up. Give him a chance to have a spouse—or spouses, or however the hell those things worked—without worrying about letting them down.
And now what? Carter wanted to yell at Garrett. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
He shifted, sliding his arm under and around Lacey and pulling her closer. She put her cheek against his chest.
“Tell me about that night,” he said.
She didn’t need clarification. He wasn’t asking about the night they’d been together.
“It was just a normal night,” she said. “It was a Thursday. I made pasta and was watching shows I’d recorded on my DVR in my pajamas.” She paused, then laughed softly. “Isn’t it stupid that I remember the pasta? Rotini with carbonara sauce.”
Carter tightened his arm around her. She sounded okay and he so desperately wanted to believe she was.
“Anyway, things were just normal. Or I thought they were. I went to bed. I do remember having trouble falling asleep, but I was asleep when they knocked on the door.”
God. Carter kept his eyes shut, but ran his hand up and down her back.
“It was also a pretty typical call. They were called to a possible burglary and followed the suspect down an alley and he pulled a gun and Garrett advanced, hoping to talk him down and…he didn’t.”
“He didn’t have a vest on?” Carter asked. That had always bothered him. But he regretted asking it after the words came.
Lacey didn’t tighten up or pull away though. “The bullet got him in the neck.”
Lacey’s voice was thick and Carter hated himself for starting this conversation.
“Never mind, Lace.”
“No.”
He felt her move and he opened his eyes. She had her hands on his chest, her chin on top of them. “You don’t have to,” he said quietly.
“No one ever asks me about stuff like that,” she said. “Everyone treats me like I’m breakable. I don’t want it to be like that with you. I’m not breakable.”
He looked into her eyes, the big brown eyes that he’d drowned in multiple times. But he saw something there now that he hadn’t before—or he hadn’t looked for before.
Strength.
He had to admit the words that came to mind when he thought of Lacey were sweet and warm and kind and loving. Soft words. Words that were the opposite of things he thought of himself. Words that took the edge off of him.
But there was more there. Now there was a determination he had never seen, along with a sadness that he knew was new and permanent. And it made him want to make her smile and laugh, to see those eyes sparkle with mischief and passion and joy.
Things he’d never thought of before. That wasn’t his deal. That had been Garrett’s job.
But now…
“Okay, tough girl,” he said, rolling to face her and reaching for the sheet to pull up over her nakedness. He was trying to be a good guy, but he was no saint. “Tell me everything you want me to know.”
Her expression softened. She wet her lips and took a breath. “The bullet hit his jugular. He died quickly. I’ve been grateful for that in some ways but in others… I’m pissed I didn’t get to say goodbye or have even five minutes of clinging to some hope that it would be okay. And then I think that would have been a lot worse. And not fair to him, of course. I would have never wanted him to suffer. But it was just so sudden. It was over before I even knew anything had happened. It took days for it to really sink in.”
Carter had expected his chest to tighten and his gut to churn, hearing about that night. Instead, strangely, he felt like something had lifted from his chest.
He didn’t like the story, but he loved no longer wondering.
“Did you help with the funeral?”
Garrett had family and he had the force. With him and Lacey not married, it was possible they’d left her out of things.
“His mom asked me to pick some music,” Lacey said. “And I chose the poem you read.”
Carter nodded. “I figured.”
Garrett’s mother had actually been the one to ask him to read something at the service and he’d been touched and grateful to be included. They’d said they had a special poem already chosen and he’d been fine with that. They’d emailed it to him ahead of time and as soon as he’d read it, somehow he’d known Lacey had picked it.
“You did?” she looked surprised, but pleased.
“Yeah. There was something about it.”
She smiled. “I’m glad you knew.”
“I wish I had known for sure. I wish we could have talked,” he said, deciding that he wanted her full honesty, so he had to give her his. “It made me feel more connected to you. Like we were sharing that day. But I wanted to hold you. Your hand at least. I wanted to hug you and comfort you and…have you comfort me.”
Her smiled faded but she nodded. “I’m sorry about that.”
“So, I have a proposition.” He pulled her closer before he said the rest, wanting her to know that he wasn’t pushing her away.
“Okay.”
“I think we need to make this visit about him. And healing. Getting past some of this and figuring out how we feel now, what we really want.”
Lacey frowned lightly. “That doesn’t sound like the Carter I know.”
Yeah, this was all very emotional. Something he didn’t typically do. “I know.”
“I think you’re saying what you think you’re supposed to say,” she told him.
“And I think maybe you’re here for the same reason you didn’t talk to me at the funeral,” he replied.
She pulled back. “What do you mean?”
“You didn’t talk to me at the funeral because I reminded you too much of him. And I think you’re here now because I remind you of him. You’ve gotten past some of the initial pain but now you’re missing him.”
She pulled back even farther, putting space between them. “Of course I miss him.”
“I can’t be a stand-in for him, Lacey.” And that was the absolute truth. Even if he wanted to be.
“I’m not trying to replace him.”
“You’re trying to fill a hole in your heart.”
“Yes. With love. With the only other man I’ve ever felt that for. With the only other man who has felt that for me. With the man who left that hole in my heart a year ago.”
He flinched a little with that. And she noticed.
“Yeah. You left a hole before he did. Now I have two big gaping holes in my heart. And I can only fill one of them.”
She was breathing a little fast now and her eyes were definitel
y sparkling. In fact, they were flashing.
He liked seeing this. He liked this a lot better than sad. He also loved knowing that she loved him and he loved that it had mattered when he left. He hadn’t realized he had a sadistic tendency, but yeah, it was nice to know he’d been missed.
However, he couldn’t let her get too overboard here with the L word. She was absolutely as close as he’d ever come, but that didn’t mean that he’d be any good at it.
“Lace, I told you…so much of what I felt for you was about Garrett and—”
“Bullshit.”
He stared at her. “What?”
“I thought about it in the shower and I don’t believe you,” she said. “The night we all spent together was amazing and yes, of course, that was about Garrett too, and no, we won’t ever be able to replicate that. I wouldn’t want to. But you and I had a connection that had nothing to do with Garrett and I felt it again here tonight. It will be different without him. But it will still be good, Carter. Really, really good.”
The earnestness in her voice and eyes was almost his undoing.
That and the fact that he really liked what she was saying and really wanted to believe it all.
“I knew we shouldn’t have had sex right away,” he muttered, though he knew she heard him.
One corner of her mouth curled. “But we did. And now we both know the truth. We have something amazing.” She sat up partially, bracing one hand on the mattress, locking her elbow and holding the sheet against her breasts with the other. She looked down at him with utter seriousness. “I lost one love, Carter. I’m not losing the other. You’re here. We’re both still here. Breathing, living. I’m not letting go of this chance for happiness. I’m not going to let you let go of it either.”
His mind knew he should protest. He knew that he should push her away, insist he was no good for her, tell her that her happiness was somewhere else. But he couldn’t. Because he’d been feeling the same regret, the same loss, for the past year. He’d meant it when he’d told her earlier that he’d missed them both so much he’d been about to say to hell with everyone and everything else and move to San Antonio and shack up with them and fuck like bunnies and live happily ever after. He’d missed them. He wanted to be with her. It was that simple.
Illegal Motion: Boys of Fall Page 7