Lacey. She was here.
“This is not exactly the threesome I had envisioned.”
They both started awake. Lacey rolled and almost fell off the couch, Nolan’s glasses fell onto his chest as he sat up quickly.
Carter moved past them into the kitchen. He really didn’t want to deal with anything big or heavy or important right now.
His brain was pounding on the inside of his skull, punishing him for trying to drown it in tequila and beer, his stomach was roiling—and that was before the knot of tension had developed when he’d seen Lacey—and frankly, he felt as if he’d had enough enlightenment the night before with Oakley to last him for a while.
He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to listen. He didn’t want to apologize or grovel or make any promises.
He wanted to drink coffee and feel sorry for himself.
He’d work on the apologies and promises and groveling tomorrow.
“Are you okay?” Lacey came into the kitchen but hovered in the doorway.
“No.” He didn’t look at her, just concentrated on pulling the coffee filters and grounds out of the cupboard.
He heard a thud behind him and turned to the back door. Mooch was butting his head against the glass.
Carter shook his head. That damned cat. Sure, Carter fed him. And let him sleep pretty much anywhere he wanted to in the house. And cleaned his litter box. And petted him sometimes. But the cat wasn’t his. He hadn’t put a collar on it, he didn’t hold it or let it sleep on his bed. Mooch was just a cat. He wasn’t Carter’s cat.
But every day when he heard the thud of Mooch’s head against the back door, he smiled.
The cat kept coming back, even though Carter didn’t really claim him.
Carter crossed to the door and opened it for the tabby. Mooch strolled in, rubbed against Carter’s calf and then looked up with big golden eyes.
He knew what was going to happen. He knew that Carter was going to feed him and pet him and talk to him. Mooch trusted him and kept coming back, even though Carter kept him at arm’s length. And strangely, the idea that Mooch trusted him anyway, made Carter all the more determined to be there and keep the cat food stocked and the litter box clean.
Suddenly Carter couldn’t take a full breath.
Almost without thinking, Carter bent down and scooped the cat up.
He’d never held Mooch. Never picked him up before. But the cat didn’t act alarmed in the slightest.
In fact, he rubbed his face against Carter’s and started purring.
Carter felt his throat tighten.
Do not cry. For fuck’s sake, do not cry over a stray cat purring for you. Jesus.
But it was touch-and-go for a minute.
Tequila was not his friend.
He ran his hand over Mooch’s back, rubbed between his ears, and scratched under his chin. The cat’s reaction was the very definition of bliss. The purring grew louder, he tucked his head against Carter’s neck and his front paws kneaded Carter’s chest.
The cat had been coming back for months, no matter what Carter did or didn’t do, and Carter realized that he had been resisting getting more attached. Mooch had just showed up one day out of the blue. Carter didn’t know how long he would stay. Someday he could just not show up at the back door and that would be it. It would be over.
He pulled himself together, but kept hold of the cat, and turned to face her. “What are you doing here?”
She lifted an eyebrow. “Making sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine, Carter.”
“I’m fine enough.” He put Mooch down and filled the food and water dishes. The cat rubbed against him one more time and then buried his face in the food bowl.
“Carter—”
“I’m gonna go downtown for some coffee.” He had a shift today too. That was going to be fun. But it was better than digging into all of this with Lacey. She’d ruined him for other women. He had to be the man she needed and deserved. He had to get over Garrett. He had to stop looking for other men to step in and fill that gap.
And if his fucking head would stop pounding for two minutes and his stomach would quit threatening to hurl its contents all over, he might be able to think about a couple of those things. Maybe.
But that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. Coffee was his best bet.
Oh, and avoiding all of this.
Lacey said nothing as he stalked past her on his way upstairs.
“What’s—”
But Carter didn’t stop to talk to Nolan.
He was going to have to thank the man for getting him home in one piece. But that would also have to wait. Nolan would want to turn it into some deep talk, no doubt, and that would definitely make Carter puke.
He knew what he needed to do. He just wasn’t sure he could.
He needed to say goodbye to Garrett. For good. Finally.
And the pain in his chest at that thought was worse than the tequila-induced headache by ten.
Carter threw on some clothes, grabbed his wallet and keys and headed for the door.
“Carter.”
Lacey’s voice stopped him. Even as he knew he shouldn’t. But he didn’t turn to face her.
“I love you.”
He gripped the doorknob tightly and pulled in a deep breath. She did. Somehow he knew that. Even though he didn’t deserve it. And that was what drove him through the door and out to his truck.
He needed to start fucking deserving it.
Chapter Twelve
He drove out of town, headed east, then turned onto the paved road that led to the cemetery.
When he got there, he slowed, but didn’t make the turn in.
Garrett wasn’t here. He’d been buried in San Antonio where his family was, where his life had been. Carter knew that his parents had talked about burying him here in Quinn, in his hometown, where he’d spent so much of his life. But in the end, they’d bought a plot in San Antonio where other fallen policemen and women were buried and where they could visit and attend memorial services.
Carter didn’t need Garrett’s plot to be here to visit with him and remember him.
Instead of taking the turn, Carter hit the accelerator and kept going. He drove six more miles down the road and then took the left that he’d taken so many times in his life. The dirt road led to Cooper’s Hill, the party and make-out spot in high school. They’d drank and cussed and smoked and partied in that spot. They’d also watched the stars and talked about life and dreamed.
If Garrett’s spirit was anywhere in Quinn, it would be at Cooper’s Hill.
Carter pulled up under one of the trees and turned the truck off. He sat staring out the windshield for almost five minutes before he got out.
He pushed himself up onto the hood and looked out over the valley. He’d seen this view a few hundred times in his life.
And he made himself think about Garrett. Not the good times, not the laughter, not the love—brotherly and otherwise. He made himself think about the fact that Garrett had been shot, had bled out and died in an alley in San Antonio, and was not coming back.
Carter felt a chill go through him and his mind start to block all of that, but he forced himself to stay on it, to really think about the fact that Garrett was gone. Forever.
He hadn’t done that. At the funeral, he’d been face-to-face with Lacey and how much he loved her and the fact that he’d lost her and he’d been able to relegate losing Garrett to a corner of his mind where he didn’t have to deal with it. He’d been sad. He’d let that much in. But he’d ignored the pain. Or maybe it was that the pain had blended into what he’d already been feeling being apart from Garrett and Lacey, being away from San Antonio, trying to start his life over in Quinn and trying to get over the love that he hadn’t been able to accept.
All of that hurt and confusion and frustration had felt so much like grief that the new sadness over Garrett hadn’t really registered.
Now he made himself fee
l it.
The chill intensified, the pain in his chest grew, his mind repeating over and over he’s gone.
Garrett was gone. There was no going back. There was no taking back words or redoing actions. There was no going back to that moment when he should have said yes. He should have said fuck what other people think, fuck convention, fuck anything but being happy. He should have grabbed onto the chance for life with the only two people he’d loved.
But he couldn’t change that now.
“I’m so sorry, man.” He was surprised to hear his own voice out loud. But after a moment, he went on. “I’m so fucking sorry, Garrett. I should have grabbed onto all of it. I should have never walked away. I did love you. I did. I’m sorry I was such an ass and I cheated all of us out of so much.”
Lacey’s still here.
The thought whispered through his mind and he was able to pull in a full breath.
“I miss you, man. I miss you so damned much.”
Lacey’s still here. You can still have the life full of love.
He breathed again, letting the remorse sink in. But then, surprisingly, he felt lighter.
He straightened and looked out over the rolling hills of brown and green. He felt a breeze brush over his face.
Lacey was still here.
He let that thought really register. If he had been the one to die, he would have wanted to know that Garrett was there for her, loving her, giving her the happiness she deserved.
Garrett was gone. Carter couldn’t go back. But he could love her enough for him and Garrett. And she could love Carter enough for both of them too.
“I’ll take care of her,” he said. “I promise you, man, I’ll take care of her. I can’t replace you but I will do my best to make her laugh and be romantic and shower her with gifts and make sure she knows every day that she’s loved.”
Another breeze, stronger now, blew over his face, and Carter smiled.
“I’ll even tell her your stupid jokes and I’ll borrow your Batman costume for Halloween.”
Carter felt his smile grow, thinking of all the things that had made Garrett Garrett. He was a goof and could laugh at himself. He always wanted to be sure everyone around him was happy and he loved to give gifts for no reason. He said I love you easily, he made a big deal of holidays and he never forgot a birthday. He was funny, inappropriately so at times, and was very into public displays of affection.
As Carter thought about all of the ways his friend had made people smile and laugh and feel special, he felt the tightness in his chest loosen. He could be more like that. He should be more like that. He needed to stop being half of the guy Lacey needed and work on being the guy. Because he was the only one left. No one else in the world would love her like he would.
Trying to be more like Garrett in the process would only make him a better man.
With one last look over the valley and a deep breath, Carter slid to the ground and got back in the truck. He had a shift to do and then he and Lacey needed to talk.
With roses. And candles. And maybe some chocolate cheesecake.
He pulled into the convenience store on the end of Main Street. He knew they wouldn’t have chocolate cheesecake but maybe he could make due with cookies or something for one night. Lacey would appreciate the thought. She knew that he didn’t do dessert by candlelight. She’d understand the gesture.
He was debating between chocolate chip and peanut butter when the bell over the door jingled as someone came into the store. He glanced over. And froze.
It was Lacey.
In a trench coat.
She walked straight to him. “We need to talk.”
He looked down at the cookies. Dammit. He really wanted to make this gesture. It would mean more than just a bunch of words. He needed to show her that he was changing. He wanted to. Now that he had the surprise in mind, he really wanted a chance to pull it off.
“Yes, we do,” he agreed. “Later.”
“Now. I’m done waiting.”
Dammit. Just when he was getting romantic…
“Lacey, seriously, later we’ll go over everything. I promise that—”
“Now, Carter.”
He frowned. “Later.”
“I want to—”
“Lacey,” he cut in. “I need to get to work. I don’t have time for this. We’ll talk later.”
When she saw the candles she’d feel bad about not trusting him on this.
She hesitated—then she looked around, grabbed three candy bars off the shelf, tucked them into the pocket of the trench coat and headed for the door.
“What are you doing?”
She looked at him over her shoulder. “Giving you some work to do.” Then she pushed the door open and walked outside.
She’d just shoplifted three candy bars.
Carter sighed. He glanced over at the shop owner. “You want to press charges, Dave?”
Dave looked from Lacey’s back out the window to Carter. He looked amused. “Yeah, I think I do.”
Carter sighed again. Great.
He started after Lacey. She had just gotten into her car.
He strode toward her and knocked on the window. When she looked up, he motioned with his hand for her to roll it down.
“Is there a problem, officer?”
He put his hands on his hips. “Ms. Andrews, I’m going to have to ask you to return to the store.”
She looked at the storefront. “I don’t think so.”
“If you refuse, I’ll have to take you downtown to the station.”
She shrugged. “Well, you gotta do what you gotta do.”
“Lacey, I get it. You want to talk. But this is crazy.”
She started the car.
“You can’t leave.”
“Of course I can.”
“I’ll have to pursue you.”
“I can’t think of anything I’d like more.”
Her words shut him up for a moment. He moved in closer to the window. “If you want me to use my handcuffs, all you have to do is ask, Lace.”
She gave him an impish grin. “I do. Very much.” Then she shifted into reverse and started to inch backward.
“Lacey!”
“Stop me and take me to the station or let me go. Those are your choices.”
“Or you could return the candy bars and we’ll call it a momentary lapse in judgement.”
“Can we talk for a few minutes?”
“Later.”
“I’m not returning the candy bars.”
Oh for fuck’s sake. He turned and stomped to his truck, jerked the glove compartment open, removed his handcuffs and stomped back to her car.
“Get out of the car, Ms. Andrews.”
She did.
“You have the right to remain silent.” He read her the rest of the rights as he escorted her to his truck. It wasn’t his squad car but he put her in back of the extended cab anyway. They didn’t speak on the way to the station.
Once inside, he took her to a holding cell. “This what you want?”
“You don’t need to question me in one of those rooms like on TV?” she asked.
“I witnessed your crime. I don’t have any questions.”
“I have a few things I’d like to say. On the record,” she told him.
“Fine. Later.” He resisted smirking until he’d turned away from her.
He might be adopting a few of Garrett’s traits and habits, but he wasn’t changing completely. And Carter Shaw liked to get his way.
“Do I get a phone call?”
“Oh sure.” That meant Nolan would be down here in a few minutes. He turned and hollered for Marie, the front desk clerk. “Will you bring Ms. Andrews the phone?”
Marie looked completely indifferent but she brought the station’s cordless phone.
“I’ll be back,” he said, starting down the hall.
“When?” she asked
“Later.”
He was grinning as he headed for his desk.
Coach Carr.
“Carter.”
“Coach.”
Dammit. How did Lacey have Coach’s phone number?
“You’re going to post bail for Lacey?” Carter asked.
There was no bail. She hadn’t been formerly booked or even officially arrested. Dave wasn’t going to press charges. The three candy bars came to four dollars and some odd change. Carter would give him ten and Dave would think it had all worked out great.
“She didn’t ask for bail. Just for this.” Coach held up a bottle of water and a sandwich.
“You’re bringing her lunch?”
“That’s what she asked for.”
“She didn’t ask for you to help her get out of here?”
“No. She doesn’t want to leave.”
Carter sighed. “Why is she acting crazy?”
“Because she loves you and is afraid of losing you.”
Carter frowned. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Not physically maybe.” Coach set the water and sandwich to the side and leaned in on the countertop. “That’s why she came to Quinn. She knew you weren’t going anywhere. But emotionally, you’re a flight risk.”
Carter shook his head. “I’m crazy about her. Like crazy. Obsessed. I’m not the one at risk of leaving in any way.”
Coach chuckled. “You’re always the one leaving, boy. That’s why you haven’t been with anyone serious or long term.”
“No, other people leave,” Carter insisted. He had always been aware of this emotional issue. He’d always known that he avoided connections because he had formed them and had them broken so many times growing up.
“You’re the one leaving,” Coach repeated, pointing a finger at Carter’s nose. “You left Quinn as soon as you graduated, you left San Antonio as soon as things got serious there, and you left Lacey the other night.”
Damn, Lacey had filled Coach in on a lot, apparently. But still Carter shook his head. “I went to college, then I moved back here to help my dad, and I made her leave the other night.”
“Before she could hurt you by leaving herself.”
Carter felt his heart thumping, the blood rushing through his body. “No.”
Illegal Motion: Boys of Fall Page 18