by Alexie Aaron
“Watcha doing?” Mia’s voice preceded her as she walked past the workshop and into Murphy’s corner.
“What and see, Minnie Mouse,” Ted said and nodded to Murphy.
Murphy waved his hand over the device, and the TV changed channels from PBS to a porn station.
“You’ve got to be kidding?” Mia said as she saw the position the participants where undulating in. She angled her head while raising an eyebrow at Ted who was waving frantically over the device.
“Murph, would you mind?” Mia asked sweetly.
He nodded and waved his hand and the History channel appeared. He pushed back his hat and smirked.
“I think he liked the porn better,” Mia observed.
“Honestly, I didn’t know we had that station. I bet Cid or Burt…”
Mia started laughing at his discomfort. “I see you’re getting Murphy set up. Did you pack yet?”
“No.”
“When are we leaving?”
“This afternoon after the PEEPs meeting. Burt’s going to bring up the subject of Audrey, and we have to vote.”
“But he knows we all want her.”
“He’s got to make it official. Burt’s all about that now we’ve made the big time.”
“Big time?” Mia asked.
“A competing cable network has made a bid for next season,” Ted answered as he made a final adjustment to the remote. He nodded to Murphy who flipped through the channels easily and disappointedly, child-locked from the porn channels.
Mia hunched her shoulders when Murphy cast a glare their way.
“Burt took Patrick’s advice and got PEEPs an agent. Mike’s up for a commercial, but I doubt he’ll take it.”
“Little blue pills?”
“No, but that’s a good one. It’s a voice-over for Attack Bots,” Ted explained. “Our Mikey loves to have his face on camera.”
“Better him than me,” Mia said, leading her fiancé away from Murphy’s corner through the workshop in the direction of the house and hopefully to the packing of his suitcase. Normally, Mia didn’t care if Ted was prepared or not, but this was a trip to meet his family for the first time. How Ted arrived and acted may reflect on her. As it was, she was sure they would reject her. Somehow they would know she was a freak and not deserving of their Theodore.
Ted stopped and turned to face her. “You’re shaking like a leaf. What’s wrong?”
“I’m nervous. Ralph got me all worked up at the store yesterday. Says I have to make a good impression.”
“Mia,” Ted said and grabbed her chin and tilted her face upwards, “Listen to me. My mother will be delighted. My father is amazed you’re not a guy. My sisters, who assume I made you in the workshop, will be surprised. They’re already calling you Robot Girl.”
“Robot Girl doesn’t fit.”
“No, Batman would never have a sidekick named Robot Girl.” Ted bent down and kissed her lightly on the lips. “All you have to be is yourself. Your ball-busting, ghost-seeing, cookie-making self. You did make the cookies didn’t you?”
“Eight dozen.”
Ted’s eyebrows raised at the amount. “Eight dozen, you are nervous. Come to Teddy Bear.”
Mia wrapped her arms around Ted and hugged him until a series of whistles interrupted their moment.
Cid who was sunning himself on the second story deck of his apartment shouted, “Hey, take it inside, you’re spoiling my view.”
Ted picked Mia up, threw her over his shoulder and did as instructed.
~
Mike pulled his new, red Audie R8 into the drive and parked it next to Mia’s truck which sparkled from a recent waxing. She had attached the truck cap, and it glimmered from the same treatment as the truck. He smiled and said to himself, “Mia’s heading into Kansas with her best foot forward.”
CRACK! The crash of Murphy’s axe told Mike he wasn’t alone.
“Bloody hell, Murphy, you took another year off of my life,” Mike complained as he recovered from the ghost’s antics. “I suppose they’re waiting for me inside.”
A scratch of cast iron on the drive let him know he was indeed correct.
Mike walked into the new PEEPs office and smiled. Burt was busy on the phone. Ted was at the computer with Cid looking over his shoulder. Mia sat with her boots propped up on the table, sleeping. At least it looked like she was sleeping. With Mia it could be anything. She could be having an out of body walkabout or be in some deep meditative trance. She opened her eyes and smiled.
“Hello Mike,” she said and yawned. “Sorry, didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“She was up all night baking cookies for the ’rents,” Ted said over his shoulder.
Cid turned and smiled. This was the first time Mike had seen him without his coke bottle lenses on. The man was extraordinarily handsome. Mike fought down the envy that turned his blue eyes green. He had to remember that Cid was not interested in being in front of the camera.
“Looks like Superman, doesn’t he?” Mia commented, following his gaze. “I’m going to miss Clark.”
“Me too,” Mike said honestly.
Burt hung up the phone and got up to shake his fellow founding partner’s hand. “You made good time. You bring the new car?”
“Yes. Why don’t you take it for a spin after the meeting?” Mike offered.
“Will do. You want a coffee before we start?”
“No, let’s get this over with so the children can get on the road,” he said, watching Mia’s eyes fill with fear. “Come on, Mia, Ted’s folks will be thrilled to meet you. Last girl he brought home he had to inflate. Besides, Ma’s only twenty minutes away if you need a place to hide.”
“I appreciate that,” Mia said.
“You staying at the house?” he asked her.
“No we’re staying in a bed and breakfast a few minutes away. Ted’s great aunt is visiting with her entourage.”
“Entourage?”
“My Aunt Sheila and cousin Mindy. Where Great Aunt Mildred goes, so goes the expected heirs,” Ted explained.
“You have a lot of relatives, don’t you?”
Mia drew out a pack of three by five cards filled with information. “Three sisters, two brother-in-laws, two nieces, two nephews, two parents, eight aunts and uncles… the list goes on and on and on,” Mia said, fanning the cards.
“It’s not too late to dump the dude and run off with me,” Mike said half seriously.
“Nah, I’m up for the challenge,” Mia said with a bravado she didn’t feel.
“Okay, but the offer’s still there.”
Ted sat down at the table and put an arm around the back of Mia’s chair. “Too late, Dupree, find your own girl.”
“Ahem.” Burt started, “Take a seat and let’s get to it. I have a few new business things to discuss so don’t take off after the vote.”
The group nodded, and within minutes, they unanimously voted Audrey in if she accepted the offer Mike put together. She would take over research and become an investigator-in-training. Cid tossed a button on the table for Audrey to wear on investigations. It read, Don’t Boo Me I’m New.
“Clever,” Mia said, picking up the big red button adorned also with the PEEPs logo. “I didn’t get a button when I was new.”
Cid tossed her another one explaining, “I made this for you to wear to the engagement picnic.”
She picked it up and read aloud, “Touch me, I’m real.”
Ted grabbed the button and stuck it in his pocket.
“Can we get back to business?” Burt asked.
The three gave him their attention.
“We have an opportunity to make some cash,” he announced. “And a chance to hunt down a Fata Morgana.”
“A Fata Morgana is an optical illusion,” Ted stated.
The others nodded their heads in agreement.
“But this one someone stayed in. Let me elaborate. A Mr. and Mrs. Pete Harrington were headed to Appleton, Wisconsin when their car got a flat. Th
e delay caused them to lose their reservation. Frantic, they drove around looking for a place to stay and came upon the Travelers Bed and Breakfast. They pulled into the empty lot and were greeted at the door. The hostess informed them that their credit card service was out of order, to explain their vacancies. If they paid cash, she had a nice room for them. Pete, who was never short of cash, paid in advance. They enjoyed a restful night and a wonderful breakfast in the morning. They left and drove for a few minutes before the missus discovered she had left her makeup bag on the counter of the bathroom. Pete turned around and headed back. They arrived at the site of the inn, and there was no inn. Mrs. Harrington’s bag was resting in the potato field a few feet away from the cash he paid the hostess.”
“Sounds like an urban legend to me,” Mike said dismissively. “We’ve all heard about the traveling salesman and the inn that was nothing but an old wreck of a building in the morning…”
“Yes, but the gentleman seems of sound mind,” Burt argued.
“Fata Morganas are typically seen just above the horizon. Castles on land and ships at sea. They think that the infamous Flying Dutchman was nothing more than a mirage. Still people like to dismiss things they don’t understand…” Mia mused.
“Are you thinking that these superior images could actually be real?” Ted scoffed.
“Listen, Mr. Science, what I’m saying is, why not?” Mia countered.
Cid cleared his voice. “I think we could look into it, if we have time.”
Burt looked around the table. The rest weren’t opposed, but only Mia seemed interested. “Okay, I’ll put it down as a maybe. Now on to the cash job. Mia, I don’t know if you’re familiar with this, but there is a hotel near O’Hare airport that has been reported to be haunted. This has been going on for years…”
“Not the Rosemont Terrace again,” Mike interrupted. “That’s a hoax on top of a hoax with pickle and onion.”
Mia’s stomach growled. “Pardon?”
“It’s a hotel that has been investigated by six maybe seven groups of ghost hunters, and all of them came up with the same result, frauds. The staff is perpetrating the haunts. Burt, we’ll be a laughing stock if we take this case,” Mike warned.
“The manager of this establishment swears that no one on his staff nor he himself is causing the ruckus the guests staying there are experiencing. I’d like to take an investigator over and see if indeed the place is worth us looking into. Since Ted and Mia are off for a week I think it can wait. I need someone with the sight.”
“Why not take Bev…” Cid suggested.
Burt turned beat red and stammered, “No, let’s not inconvenience the lady.”
“What he’s trying to say,” Mia said rescuing her boss, “is that he doesn’t want to take my oversexed aunt into a hotel at night. I think you’re right to wait.”
“I’ll do it,” Cid volunteered.
The group burst into laughter, and Mike patted him on the back in sympathy. “Better leave Ms. Beverly Cooper to the big boys. She’ll eat you up.”
Cid looked over at Mia who nodded in agreement. “I know she’s my kin, but Bev can be a cougar with salon perfect claws. Besides, I think she’s out of the country looking into the rumor of dragons in the lake country of Italy. That’s code for Gerald paying for a vacation in Tuscany for auntie.”
Cid looked disappointed.
“Well, both of these can wait. I suggest you feed this girl before you hit the highway, Ted. Her stomach hasn’t stopped growling since Mike mentioned pickles and onions,” Burt joked.
“Hey, he made it sound like a double cheeseburger. Please oh please, can we stop for double cheeseburgers?” Mia said batting her eyelids.
Ted smiled. “Of course, Wimpy, as long as you promise not to ditch me and head out the bathroom window.”
“I’ll be waiting around the corner,” Mike said in a lecherous way.
Mia laughed. “Food first then frolic.”
Burt closed the meeting and the team split up. He watched as the lovebirds walked hand and hand to the truck, Mia’s hand reaching up holding on to Ted’s. They were mismatched physically, but mentally they were perfect for each other. Burt’s pangs of “could-of-been” had faded to memories, and he could now appreciate them as a couple. Mia and he had made their peace and could now work together without awkward moments. It seemed almost written in stone that Ted was going to get his dream, and Mia was going to be wed to the most supportive, smart man Burt had ever encountered. As her friend, he felt she made the right decision, although he thought fate and love had more to do with it than common sense.
He smiled and wondered what fate had in store for him for a moment. Shaking himself free of the daydream, he went in search of Mike and the promised spin in his new car.
Chapter Three
The woman looked at her as if she had X-ray vision. Mia stood uncomfortably on the porch holding the huge hamper of cookies she had carried from the truck.
“Who the hell are you?” the old witch demanded.
“Mia Cooper, I’m Ted’s fiancée,” she replied. Mia looked behind her, wondering what was taking Ted so long. The driveway of his parents’ home was full, so he was looking for a space on the suburban street large enough to parallel park the truck after he dropped Mia off.
“Mama,” a meek voice came from behind the woman, “Who’s at the door? You know you shouldn’t be answering the door.”
“Someone claiming to be Theodore’s fiancée,” she answered.
The meek voice belonged to a wisp of a woman with fading red hair. Her pale thin arms supported strong hands that guided the elderly, stout woman away from the door. She turned and looked at Mia and said, “Well, what are you standing there for, child, come in.”
Mia smiled to hide her fear and stepped inside the postwar, two-story brick home.
“I’m Theodore’s aunt Sheila, this is my mother Mildred. You’ll have to forgive her, she can be a bit of dragon at times. You know what a dragon is don’t you?”
“I’m familiar,” Mia said wryly, all too aware of her own penchant for turning herself into a dragon when she bilocated.
“Excuse me,” Sheila said and turned and called, “Mindy, come get your grandma, she’s been answering the door again!”
“Coming. I swear she was just sitting next to me watching Judge Judy,” Mindy said as she arrived.
Mia smiled at Ted’s cousin who bustled in. Like her mother she was thin, her red hair more vibrant, cut in the Kate Plus Eight style. Her brown eyes took Mia in, and her jaw dropped. “Whoa, you are a tiny little thing, aren’t you?”
Mia, who was lost as to how to answer the question without being rude, just nodded.
“Nice outfit. You big city girls have all the advantages,” Mindy said, glaring at her mother as if she were at fault for Mindy’s dowdy appearance.
“I’m not from the city, but thank you just the same,” Mia replied, finding her voice. “Ted dropped me off. He’s parking the truck.”
“Did I hear the doorbell?” asked a singsong female voice that preceded the tall attractive woman who strode into the room, wiping her hands on a dishtowel. “Is this Mia? Lord almighty, Ted wasn’t exaggerating at all. You are beautiful. Where are my manners? I’m Ted’s mom, Millicent. Family and friends call me Millie, but you’re to call me Mrs. Martin…” she paused for effect, “Just teasing, dear. Mom’s fine with me.”
“I can see where Ted gets his sense of humor from,” Mia said. “I baked cookies. There are a lot of them,” Mia warned as she held out the hamper.
Millie took in the weight of the hamper and smiled. “We Martins love cookies.”
“What is all the commotion? Do I smell cookies?” asked a very tall, older man dressed in a Chief’s jersey and tattered blue jeans.
Mia was amazed. Standing before her was Ted’s double. Sure, he had different hair and eye color, but he was Ted everywhere else.
“Ted dropped off his girl and ran, dear. I’m afraid we’ll have to ad
opt her,” Millie said seriously.
“She’s small, we’ll find the room,” Ted’s father said assessing Mia. “Hi, I’m Reg. You’re a pleasant surprise. Ted’s fiancée. Did my son knock you up or something?”
“Reginhard!” his wife admonished. “What a question to ask? If she is, it’s your fault, not talking to him about birth control…”
“I thought the kid was gay. What did you expect me to do?” he argued.
Mia stood there spellbound until a hand fell on her shoulder. She looked back and saw Ted standing behind her.
“I told you, Minnie Mouse, not to eat that second double cheeseburger…”
“I’m lost for words,” Mia said and looked back at the group standing in the living room.
“Mia’s not pregnant, a transvestite or a hired escort. She’s my honest to goodness bride-to-be. Now behave yourselves and don’t frighten her away,” he instructed the people in the room.
“Theodore, you haven’t changed a bit,” his great aunt said as she pushed Mia out of the way and hugged him.
Mia, holding her tongue lest a swear word escape her mouth, walked into the spacious living room. The carpet was recently vacuumed, showing the wheel marks of the machine in places. The windows were open, letting in a cool breeze that fluttered the white sheer curtains. Every surface held a picture frame. Mia felt the love and pride in the home and smiled.
“Would you like a coffee or soft drink?” inquired Ted’s mom.
“Yes, please, whatever’s easy.”
“Come with me. I’m putting the finishing touches on the barbecue sauce before letting Reg burn the ribs on the grill.”
Mia left Ted to the hugs and questions of the aunts and followed Millie through the living room into the bright yellow kitchen. Here too the windows were open, letting in the smell of mesquite burning into the room.