by Elks, Carrie
It was only a five-minute walk from her apartment to the boardwalk, but with crutches it was more like fifteen. She was so used to being able to cover small distances with speed, it was frustrating to be so slow. By the time she made it to the oceanfront she was feeling overheated. Leaning her elbows on her crutches, she lifted her thick hair from her neck and quickly braided it, closing her eyes as a cool breeze danced up from the ocean and kissed her skin.
Déjà Brew was the first shop she came to. It was at the end of the boardwalk, after all, taking up the prized corner position that made it so accessible both from the road and the beach. Sneaking a glance through the window, she swallowed hard, her breath coming a little easier when she saw that Nate wasn’t there.
She wasn’t ready to see him yet. Not ready to smile and pretend he was just a boss. But at least she wasn’t hiding away either. There was a sense of pride in that.
“Ally!” A gruff voice called out from the shop next door. Lorne was sliding diving masks onto a rack, and he smiled as soon as she caught sight of him. She couldn’t help but smile, too. He was wearing a pair of pink board shorts and a white t-shirt that proclaimed he hoped he died before he got old.
God, she loved him.
She made her way over, her crutches slapping against the concrete. As soon as she reached him, Lorne gave her a huge bear hug, as though he knew inside that she needed it before returning to his work.
“So, Lorne cleared his throat as he slid the last mask onto the rack. “You hear from your dad?” he asked, trying – and failing – to keep his tone light.
Ally bit down a smile. “I called him last night and left a message.”
Lorne visibly relaxed. “Oh thank God. He’s been calling me every day to see how you are. The wife thinks I’m having an affair.”
The thought of Lorne being unfaithful to his wife made her want to laugh again.
“Well, you’ll be able to stop being in the middle now,” she told him, reaching out to touch his arm. “Thank you for being there. For both of us.”
“You’re like a daughter to me,” he said, his voice thick. “I’ll always be there for you. And as for your dad, he might be an old reprobate but he’s my best friend.” Lorne shrugged. “I just want you both to be happy.”
Ally’s throat tightened. Happiness felt far too out of reach right now. She’d settle for getting out of the bed in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other – even if it meant leaning on crutches for a while.
She might not be happy but at least she had some strength. She knew her own worth. And it was more than being shouted at through a phone line by a man she’d allowed herself to be vulnerable to.
“Thank you,” she whispered, leaning forward to give him another hug. He was warm and kind and for a moment she allowed him to chase all the other emotions out of her head.
There was plenty of time to think about them later.
* * *
“It was good to see you,” Kirsten said, squeezing Nate tight. “Even if it was just a flying visit.”
“We’ll try to make it longer next time.” An announcement came over the loud speakers that he couldn’t quite hear, but it reminded him that they needed to join the long line through security. “And maybe we’ll give you some more notice, too.”
She smiled, the corners of her eyes crinkling up. “Hey, what are sisters for? If you ever need anything I’ll be here. And of course for Riley, too.”
“When did you grow up?” he asked her. “Weren’t you fifteen the last time I saw you?”
Her grin widened. “I’m pretty sure in your imagination I’ll always be fifteen. Just like Riley will. But you know what? I grew up and she will too.” She raised her eyebrows. “And then who are you gonna swoop in and save?”
Strange how his thoughts turned to Ally. He deliberately steered them right back. “Myself?”
“It’s been a long time coming.” The grin was gone, replaced by a serious expression. “Eventually you’ll have to actually figure out what you want, instead of building your life around us.”
“That’s exactly what I want.” He released her and stepped back, taking another glance at the ever-growing security line. “You and Riley.” He shrugged. “My family. That’s all that matters.”
“And how about this blonde woman?”
“Ally?” Saying her name made the shame wash over him again. He remembered the messages he’d sent that morning, and the fact there was no read receipt for any of them. And the calls he made that were diverted right to voicemail. “I think I’ve burned my bridges there.”
Kirsten tipped her head to the side, scrutinizing him. “What do you mean?”
Nate glanced over at the news shop where Riley had run to buy some gum to take on the plane. Like him, his daughter was tired, and clearly edgy about going back to Angel Sands and facing the music. But she’d be okay. He’d make sure of it.
As for him, he had no idea.
“It doesn’t matter.” He didn’t want to think about it. He’d gotten hardly any sleep last night after the way he’d spoken to her. Okay, so he’d been completely wrung out from Riley’s disappearance, but that didn’t give him any right to take it out on Ally. He sighed, hating himself more than ever. Another thing he’d messed up in his life.
“I got a pack of gum for you, too,” Riley said, her breath heavy from running back from the news store. “In case you decide to drink coffee on the plane.” She wrinkled her nose. “Is there anything worse than coffee breath?”
“Nope.” Kirsten shook her head. “Come here, you.” She reached for her niece, enveloping her in the biggest hug. Nate stood back and watched them, his chest feeling tighter than ever as Kirsten dipped her head to whisper something in Riley’s ear.
“Okay,” Riley said softly. “I will.”
“You ready?” he asked his daughter.
“If I say no can we stay here forever?”
“Nope.” He liked the way she said ‘we’ though. It made the band around his chest loosen a little.
Giving his sister a wave, Nate put his arms around his daughter, and the two of them walked over to join the back of the security line.
It was only a little over twenty-four hours since he’d flown out here, and yet Angel Sands – and Ally – felt like a lifetime ago. There was part of him – that childlike part he’d left behind so long ago – that was as afraid to return as Riley was. Afraid of how he’d feel when he saw Ally again. Afraid he’d make a fool out of himself in front of her.
But he’d left his childlike self behind so many years ago. He was a man now, not a scared little boy. And if Riley could go back and face the music then he could, too.
Even if the thought of it made him feel sick.
* * *
Her apartment hadn’t gotten any less lonely since she’d left it this morning. Maybe that’s why Ally spent so long avoiding coming back. She’d whiled away half the day with Lorne, helping him out in the shop and talking to the customers. Later she’d joined Ember and Brooke in the diner – the three of them stuffing their faces with burgers and fries as her best friends did their best to cheer her up.
But none of that was enough to stave off the screaming silence of her home as soon as she’d returned to it. Glancing at her watch, she saw it was almost nine o’clock. Maybe she should call it a day and settle down to sleep.
Things would be better tomorrow. They couldn’t get any worse, could they?
She was about to turn out the living room light and head for her bedroom when she heard the rap at her door. It had to be a neighbor – she hadn’t buzzed anyone in. Taking a quick glance at herself in the mirror fixed on the entranceway wall she smoothed down her hair and grimaced at her wrinkled clothes. The jeans and t-shirt she was wearing had been freshly pressed that morning, but a day of working with Lorne and eating with the girls had taken its toll.
Sliding the chain into place – a woman living on her own could never be too careful – she peeped through the
little round glass to see who was on the other side. She had to squeeze her other eye shut to focus, but when she did she almost jumped.
What was he doing here?
Her fingers shook as she unlatched the lock and slowly pulled at the handle. The man on the other side waited patiently, his eyes fixed on hers as she tugged the door ajar.
“Oh.” She stared at him for a moment. The dark hair splashed with grey, the tired look on his crumpled face, and the brightness in his eyes that never failed to make her heart feel warm, even though the rest of her was wary. “I didn’t know you were coming back.”
“I got the first flight out after I got your message.” Her dad shifted from one foot to the other. “You sounded upset.”
She nodded and pulled the door open wider. He lifted his arms to hug her, but thought better of it, pulling them back to his sides. She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or not. A bit of human contact would be good about now.
“Would you like a drink?” she asked him.
“Coffee would be good. It’s been a long trip.”
About eight hours or so, from what Ally knew. No wonder he looked exhausted.
She made them both a cup of coffee, adding a splash of cream the way her father always liked it and her dad carried them into the living room. When she was settled in the chair he handed her a mug then sat on the sofa opposite.
Her father closed his eyes as he swallowed a mouthful of coffee. “Damn that tastes good.” He put his mug down and looked up at her. “How are you doing?”
The weight of his question laid heavily on her. He’d always been her person, the one she could confide in. He’d known from the start how badly her mom’s death had affected her. He’d held her when she cried, cheered for her when she ran. He’d been her biggest fan and her strongest protector.
But not for the past few months.
“I’m not doing so good,” she admitted.
He took a deep breath, his warm eyes still on hers. “I’m so sorry to hear that.” He leaned forward to put his half-drunk mug on the table between them. “And I’m really sorry that I’m the one who caused it.”
She opened her mouth to tell him he wasn’t, but shut it. Because truthfully it was partly his fault. Not because he’d sold the café to Nate – although that was why the man had entered her life – but because he’d hurt her first, and that made her current pain even worse.
He slid his fingers together, wringing at them. “I’ve been a bad father. I know it.” He looked up at her through his lashes. “Lorne knows it, too, and hasn’t wasted any time telling me.”
“That’s the best thing about friends,” Ally said, thinking of Brooke and Ember. “They always tell you the truth.”
Her dad gave a little chuckle. “That’s no word of a lie.”
She sat up straighter. What was it she’d told herself that morning? She was strong in spite of her pain. Or maybe because of it – she’d been through worse and gotten through it. And she owed it to herself to tell the truth.
“You did hurt me,” she told him. “Not because you went away, but because every time I asked you for help you made things worse. Then you sold the place without even asking me how I felt. After all those years working there, keeping the café going. You made me feel like I was nothing to you.”
He shook his head. “Baby, I’m sorry. So damn sorry. I hate that I hurt you. There’s no excuse for my actions.”
“So why did you do it?”
“Sell?” he asked. She nodded. “Because I had no choice. It was either that or the bank was going to foreclose.”
Her breath caught in her throat. “I didn’t know that. I knew things were bad, but…”
“I should have flown home to tell you face to face. Like I’m telling you now. But I was a damn coward, I never could stand to see you cry. Knowing I was the one causing it…” he trailed off, shaking his head. “It killed me.”
“You could have come home then,” she told him. “After the call.”
“I wanted to, but I was still chicken shit.” He had the good grace to look embarrassed. “I kept trying to call you but you never answered. Then when I talked to Lorne he told me to give you some time. I was ready to take the first plane home when I heard about your broken ankle, but Lorne said to stay where I was. That you were being taken care of.”
Her thoughts immediately turned to Nate. To the way he’d helped her for those few weeks. To his warm skin and soft words.
The pain was visceral.
“When I heard your message this morning I could tell from the sound of your voice that something was wrong.” He half-smiled. “It was time for me to stop being so damn weak and face what I’d done. And I know it may be too late. That you might not ever forgive me. But I’m asking you to anyway, because I love you, sweetheart.”
The way he said it made her heart swell up. She’d never seen her father so vulnerable before. It was as though they’d swapped roles and suddenly she was the strong one.
For some reason that felt good.
“I’m so sorry you got hurt,” he told her, looking down at the cast on her leg. “And I’m even more sorry I wasn’t here to help you.” He pressed his lips together in sympathy. “You’ve had a hard few weeks.”
For the first time Ally laughed. It wasn’t loud, but it was something. “You could say that.”
He shook his head. “I’ve failed you too many times. I keep letting you down and it kills me.”
“When have you failed me?” she asked. “Before now I mean?”
“When your mom and I split up. I’ll never forget your face when we told you.” His voice wobbled. “You were so tiny and so sad, and it was all my fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault. I just didn’t understand that yet.”
“Then your mom died. You kept looking at me as though I could make everything better. And when I couldn’t you used to get so upset. It killed me to see you that way. If I could have given you a better dad I would have.”
“I didn’t want a better dad,” she said, her voice rough. “I never did. I only ever wanted you.”
A tear rolled down his cheek. “You deserve so much better.”
“I thought you didn’t love me. That you didn’t care what happened.”
“I’ve always loved you. And I’ve always cared. But I worry about you, too. Remember when you got your place at college and then refused to go?”
She nodded. “I remember.” How could she forget? They’d paid her first term’s tuition, packed up his car. She’d even bought the bedding for her dorm room. And yet she’d found herself refusing to go, stomping back up to her room, not listening to him as he tried to reason with her through her closed door.
“I felt like such a failure then, too. And looking back it was all my fault you didn’t go. I hadn’t taught you how to be okay by yourself. Hadn’t showed you how to work through things. I’d kept you close and thought I could protect you forever.” He rubbed the palm of his hands over his face, wiping away his tear. “But I couldn’t. Not that way.”
“So you just cut me loose instead?”
“Not on purpose, but I guess that’s what happened. And I don’t blame you for hating me for it. But you’ll never hate me as much as I hate myself, I can promise you that.” His eyes softened. “I should have told you how damn proud I am of you. How amazed I am by your strength. Life keeps knocking you down and you keep climbing back up. I’ve never met anybody as strong as you are.”
This time it was Ally’s eyes that filled with tears. His words were like oil on the troubled water of her soul. She’d missed him so much, and she was angry at him. But more than anything she wanted to believe.
In him. In his words. And mostly in herself. She wanted to be the person he was describing.
“Can you forgive me?” he asked her.
“I think so,” she told him, glancing down at the coffee she hadn’t taken a sip of. “But it might take some time.”
He swallowed. “There’s some
thing else I need to tell you.”
“What?”
“I had another reason to sell the café. I had my annual health check a few months ago, and things aren’t working as well as they once did.” He shook his head. “Now don’t you go worrying over this, but my heart isn’t as good as it used to be. The doctor wants me to slow down. Getting away from all the stress seemed like the right thing to do.” He pressed his lips together. “But now I see how selfish it was, too.”
“What’s wrong with your heart?” Ally asked, her mouth dry. She hadn’t expected him to say that at all.
“Nothing to worry about. It’s just slowed down a bit. Needs some medicine to keep it going the way it should. According to the doctor, I’ve got years left in me as long as I follow his advice. And I’m so sorry, honey, because I was scared to tell you about that, too. I didn’t want to see your reaction, so I ran away.”
Tears stung at her eyes. She took his hand in hers. When had it gotten so wrinkled? She’d spent her whole life idolizing this man, thinking he was invincible. It felt like a kick in the gut to know he wasn’t.
“Okay,” she said, nodding. “Okay. Do you need to relax now? You’ve had a long flight. You shouldn’t have risked your health just to see me.”
“As long as I keep taking the pills I’m going to be fine.”
Thank God. He was her dad, warts and all. He’d been there for her after the divorce, and he’d held her tight when her mom had died. And when he had to choose between her – his unruly teenager daughter – and the woman he was dating. Well, it was Ally he chose to keep.
The way Nate had chosen Riley. And rightfully so.
Some cuts healed. Others became scars you wore with pride. But sometimes they festered. If he hadn’t chosen her, then Ally’s would have festered, too. Until they hurt every time she touched them.
She was a grown woman. Twenty-seven years old. Way past the age that she needed a constant parent. Her dad was fallible, but so was she. And he was right, they kept pulling themselves up anyway, and moved forward no matter how much it hurt.