by C. P. Odom
“I am so sorry for what I just said, Lizzy. I know what you are enduring, and then I thoughtlessly made mention of Mr. Darcy’s estate. I remember when I thought Bingley had left Netherfield forever. It was as though all my hopes had turned to ashes. I knew I felt a deep affection for him, but I had not known the depth of my love until I thought him lost.”
“One blessing of that sad time was that you at last became enlightened to Miss Bingley’s subterfuges and will not be fooled by her again,” Elizabeth said, preferring to speak of something other than Darcy and his continued absence from Hertfordshire.
“I keep reminding myself not to be deceived again, now that she and her sister are attempting to renew our friendship. But it is difficult, Lizzy. Very difficult.”
“You are too good for the rest of this world. As for Miss Bingley and her sister, just smile at them and be civil.”
“I shall try my utmost.”
“Do not worry overmuch about me. It is not as though Mr. Darcy ever showed me the preference Mr. Bingley showed you.”
Jane knew Elizabeth was not being completely truthful with her, but she let her sister continue.
“In any case, I knew from the beginning that my desire for Mr. Darcy was doomed. But I will overcome this and become Elizabeth Bennet again.”
“I worry you are overtaxing yourself. Mother says you sometimes leave in the morning after breakfast and do not return until late in the day. And you are much thinner than you used to be.”
“It cannot be that severe, Jane,” Elizabeth said with a smile. “My appetite is excellent, and I know I eat even more than I used to. I would not be surprised if I had gained weight instead of losing it.”
Jane looked doubtful but had no desire to contradict such a definitive statement. “I am glad to hear it, Lizzy. And all the walking you are doing has to be making you stronger.”
“Likely,” Elizabeth said more cheerfully, and Jane returned to her packing.
“In time, I do hope you will be able to visit us.”
“I certainly shall, but with Mr. Darcy living but thirty miles away, I will only visit if I am certain he is safely in town and might not make an unexpected visit.”
Jane nodded in understanding. She knew Elizabeth would do anything to avoid the temptation of being in Darcy’s presence. She had shown as much by staying in town when she and Bingley married.
“Speaking of visiting Derbyshire, I do have some interesting news. I just received a letter from Aunt Gardiner about our planned northern excursion, and it seems my uncle’s business will make it impossible to go as far as the Lakes. But she does mention we might go as far as Derbyshire.”
“I am sorry you will not be able to tour the Lake District, but I am cheered by the possibility that all of you might visit later in the summer.”
She looked down and patted her abdomen, which was just starting to show she was with child. “I shall undoubtedly be in confinement by then, so a visit gives me something to look forward to.”
“Yes, it does. Especially since a newborn child will make it impossible for you and Bingley to come to Longbourn for Christmas.”
Jane looked up after placing her last item in the trunk. “You are likely correct. Bingley is very worried about this trip, and he has absolutely refused to allow our coach to travel more than three or four hours a day. I fear it will take more than a week to journey to our new home.”
She embraced Elizabeth fondly though she had to wipe away a tear. “I have to confess I am excited to be going to a house that will be ours and not rented, but now I am starting to cry. You must promise to write often. I do so worry about you.
“Go and have many children, Jane, so I can come live with you and teach them to read and to play better than myself.”
“Then you shall have to practice your fingering, Lizzy!” Jane said with a laugh, giving her sister a kiss.
***
The imminent departure of her eldest daughter from Hertfordshire was quite distressing to Mrs. Bennet, who had so often told her friends of the pleasure she gained from visiting Mrs. Bingley and writing to Mrs. Collins. Deprived of half of those pleasures, she was not sure what was to become of her, and soon after Elizabeth returned home from Netherfield, Mrs. Bennet came into the front parlor where her daughter was taking tea alone.
“Well, Lizzy, what is your opinion of this sad business of Jane and Bingley leaving Hertfordshire? For my part, I cannot see why they should remove to the north when they could more easily stay among her friends in Hertfordshire. I am quite distraught.”
“I believe Mr. Bingley very much desired to own his own estate, Mama,” Elizabeth said coolly, wishing to be left alone rather than to listen to her mother’s complaints.
“But why go so far away? Surely, Mr. Bingley could have found something closer to home.”
“Netherfield is not Mr. Bingley’s home, and Jane told me she does not care where she lives as long as it is with her husband. She also mentioned how excited Mr. Bingley is to have found a place so near his friend’s estate in Derbyshire.”
“Yes, yes, I know,” Mrs. Bennet said, pacing back and forth in frustration. “Jane told me that also. But with Mr. Bingley leaving, how will Mr. Darcy ever return to Hertfordshire and renew his attentions to you? I was speaking of this with my sister Philips just yesterday, and neither of us can understand why you have not yet secured an offer of marriage from Mr. Darcy.”
Elizabeth tried not to lose her temper at such a ludicrous statement, telling herself it was her mother’s misery at having Jane move away that had prompted it.
“The simple answer, Mama, is that Mr. Darcy has not made such a proposal to me. In fact, I think you should face reality and admit he never intended to do so. It has been more than seven months since the ball at Netherfield, you know.”
But Mrs. Bennet was in no humor for a logical statement such as this. “I still believe you could have accomplished this if you had been properly attentive to Mr. Darcy.”
“Are you suggesting I should have thrown myself at Mr. Darcy?” Elizabeth asked, her temper slipping.
“Do you not realize the advantages of being married to a man with ten thousand a year?”
“Do you think I care a whit for his fortune? And even if Mr. Darcy had made me an offer, what makes you think I would accept it? I do not even like the man! I would rather stay with Jane and teach her children!”
“Nonsense, Lizzy! You are not—”
“Madam, I assure you Mr. Darcy has no interest whatsoever in me!” Elizabeth said, interrupting her mother and overriding her attempts to speak. “He never has! All of this nonsense about him ‘renewing his attentions’ is a fancy living only in your mind and definitely not in the mind of Mr. Darcy!”
“How can you say that, Lizzy? He distinguished you out of all other young—”
“A few dances only, Mama! That is all! Please let the matter rest! I am actually glad Jane and Bingley are departing Netherfield since it means you can no longer cling to your delusion of Mr. Darcy returning there!”
“I am so disappointed in you, Lizzy! I know not how you offended him, but I suppose you are correct. There is not the least chance in the world of you ever getting him now. I suppose he will choose just as he pleases though both my sister and I will always believe he used you extremely ill. But he will be dreadfully sorry for what he has done when you die of a broken heart.”
Harsh as were the words between them, they grew even angrier until Elizabeth fled the parlor and clambered up the stairs to her room. Once again, as she moved a set of drawers in front of her door, she lamented not having a lock for it.
***
Elizabeth sat on her window seat as the sun neared the horizon, wondering how her life had become so miserable. Clasping her knees to her chest, she rocked back and forth, her eyes closed and leaking tears, until
she fell into a fitful sleep.
Dreaming, she imagined herself waltzing with Darcy, whirling about the dance floor in a most salacious manner. One by one, each of the other couples faded to wisps of smoke, leaving her alone in Darcy’s arms, his hand about her waist as he pulled her close. In that moment, nothing else in the world mattered except the warmth of the smile on his face—the very one she had seen when they shared dinner at Netherfield. Her dress flew wide at the speed with which Darcy led her through the paces of the dance.
She gasped as if to complain when Darcy suddenly broke out of the dance, but her annoyance died on her lips as he scooped her up in his arms. Now all the other dancers were visible again, and they continued their steps while the man she loved so desperately carried her through the crowd and up to his room, bearing her as easily as though she were a mere sparrow.
In his room, Darcy set her on her feet. Then his face was above hers as she looked into his dark eyes. As his mouth descended on hers, Elizabeth gave a deep, throaty moan as she felt the sweet touch of his lips on hers—only to be ruthlessly torn from her dream by her mother pounding on her door, loudly demanding entrance.
Deprived of her sweet dream, Elizabeth burst into tears of frustration and shame. “Go away!” she screamed. “Leave me alone! After all you have done to me, can you not at least leave me alone?”
She pulled her legs up and clasped them against her chest as she tried desperately to retrieve and re-assemble the shreds of her dream. But as so often happened with dreams, especially when punctuated and destroyed by her mother’s shrill voice and demands, the individual parts inevitably disappeared. The thought of yet another loss, trivial as it was, made Elizabeth cry harder at the way her whole family was betraying her.
Chapter 22
Every person has free choice. Free to obey or disobey the Natural Laws. Your choice determines the consequences. Nobody ever did, or ever will, escape the consequences of his choices.
— Alfred A. Montapert, American author
Mid-June through mid-July, 1812
Longbourn, Hertfordshire
In the weeks leading up to the arrival of her aunt and uncle for the start of their northern tour, Elizabeth was greatly relieved by the gradual restoration of calm at home. When the militia first departed, the incessant complaining of her two younger sisters had precluded any vestige of health, good humor, or cheerfulness at Longbourn.
As a consequence, since such whining had been an irritant to Elizabeth’s own ill humor, occasioned by her fitful sleep and recurring dreams, she was quite fierce in checking the misbehavior of Lydia and Kitty. In this, she was surprisingly aided by her father’s occasional forays from his library, issuing stern admonitions against offenses such as Lydia’s bewailing his heartlessness or Kitty’s general complaints on the absence of officers. The result was a precipitous decline in such offenses. By the middle of June, both Lydia and Kitty were sufficiently recovered to be able to enter Meryton without tears. Combined with the return of the families who had been in town for the winter and the resulting rise in summer engagements and finery, life at Longbourn began to wear a happier aspect.
Even Mrs. Bennet was affected, going out of her way to avoid provoking Elizabeth after their fiery altercation around Jane and Bingley’s departure. Moreover, Elizabeth now had her own upcoming trip to heighten her anticipation.
Her aunt’s letters had provided the details on their abbreviated holiday, and the new plan was to tour Derbyshire as her aunt had hinted. In addition to a few days spent visiting the Bingleys, they would occupy the remainder of their three weeks with the other delights of the county, especially the town of Lambton, which had a particularly strong attraction for Mrs. Gardiner. The town lay near to Darcy’s estate of Pemberley and was probably as great an object of her aunt’s curiosity as all the celebrated beauties of Matlock, Chatsworth, Dovedale, or the Peaks.
Elizabeth did not join her aunt in wishing to visit Pemberley, especially in the summer when Darcy was more likely to be in residence, London being particularly hot and unhealthy. She was loath to withdraw from the excursion, and it required an express from Jane to quell her fears. It informed her that only Miss Darcy was in residence, the gentlemen remaining in town on business.
Surely, she thought in relief, I may now enter his county and rob it of a few petrified spars without danger.
***
Monday, July 13 through early August, 1812
Hertfordshire to Derbyshire
Soon, Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner appeared at Longbourn with their four children. Within the hour, Mrs. Philips arrived at Longbourn to help manage the children, it being an unfortunate fact that Mrs. Bennet’s nerves would prevent her from being able to tolerate them by herself. Mrs. Philips felt otherwise, possibly due to her own inability to have children.
The Gardiners stayed only one night at Longbourn and set off with Elizabeth the next morning in pursuit of novelty and amusement. Mrs. Gardiner was pleased to see a decided renewal of Lizzy’s usual optimistic spirits within a few days. Her niece could not help but be cheered by the present company compared to her own family.
They delighted in the remarkable places their party visited along their route northward, and they arrived at Mr. Bingley’s yet-unnamed estate to find him exhibiting his usual good cheer, somewhat moderated by a high level of concern about his wife’s confinement. After spending a few days with Jane, who bore her situation with far better spirits than did her husband, they pressed on to the little town of Lambton, the scene of Mrs. Gardiner’s former residence. After her conversation with Wickham at Christmas, her aunt had learned that some acquaintances still remained, and they spent several days visiting.
Since the estate of Pemberley was only five miles away, Mrs. Gardiner renewed her desire to visit it as they had the other great estates, and her husband declared his willingness. But Elizabeth had no intention of accompanying them on this excursion. She worried that even staying at the inn in Lambton might be tempting fate. The thought of meeting Darcy terrified her, but she could not say as much in such an open manner, not with both her aunt and uncle being such excellent observers. So she merely said she was tired of great houses after touring so many and would prefer to stay at the inn, explore the town, and read rather than view more fine carpets and satin curtains.
Mrs. Gardiner did not press the subject since she and her husband had inferred that Elizabeth missed Jane’s wedding for reasons pertaining to the owner of the estate, presumably some kind of thwarted love affair. So they left her at the inn the next morning when they boarded their carriage for the short journey.
***
Tuesday, August 4, 1812
Pemberley, Derbyshire
The Gardiners watched for the first appearance of Pemberley woods with great anticipation since Mrs. Gardiner had heard so much of the great estate when she lived at Lambton. Both of them remarked on the fine aspect of the lodge when they made their turn, and they were even more charmed by the extent of the park and its beautiful woods.
When, at length, they found themselves at the top of a considerable eminence and caught sight of the great home on the opposite side of a valley, they both exclaimed at its handsome aspect and the natural way it seemed to blend into the woody hills and the lake and stream in front.
“That is a trout stream or I shall eat my Walton! Magnificent!” Mr. Gardiner exclaimed, for he was an ardent fisherman when he could indulge in his hobby. Fishing was not confined to the wealthier classes as hunting was, and one of his most prized books was The Compleat Angler by Izaak Walton.
“Though I anticipate no more problem touring the house and garden than at the other estates, I still have to doubt their hospitality will extend to an invitation to fish their waters.”
“You are likely correct, wife,” her husband said with a sigh.
“I am only sorry Lizzy did not wish to come. She would no
doubt enjoy this aspect.”
“We think we know her reasons, Mrs. Gardiner. And she certainly was not being completely forthcoming when she declined to accompany us.”
“But we only think we know her reasons. When I know enough to hazard a more informed guess, you may be assured you will be the first to know. For now, we have heard no more than hints, and we both know how she has learned to keep her own counsel.”
They soon drove to the door, and a closer examination of the house did nothing to change their original opinions of its magnificence. They were admitted into the hall while the housekeeper was summoned. They explained their desire to tour those parts of the house and grounds available to the public, and the housekeeper, who introduced herself as Mrs. Reynolds, was quick to agree.
The Gardiners were both impressed and a bit surprised by the respectable-looking, elderly woman. She was, at the same time, more civil and much less fine than they would have expected for such an elegant estate. They followed her into the dining parlor, which was a large, well-proportioned room, handsomely fitted but lacking the excessive ornateness so many of the great families seemed to find necessary in their domiciles.
As they passed on to other rooms, which were lofty and handsome, Mrs. Gardiner was entranced by the prospect she observed from every window. It seemed that, though the views of the surrounding hills, woods, and waters changed as she moved from window to window, every view was delightful to her excellent taste. Mr. Gardiner was more interested in the rooms themselves, their furnishings and configurations, and he much approved of them. Certainly, everything was suitable to the proprietor of the home but without being gaudy or uselessly fine. He thought there was more of real elegance than most other estates he had viewed.
At length, Mrs. Gardiner enquired whether the family was at home since she suspected such was the threat motivating Elizabeth’s absence.
“Miss Darcy and her companion have been in residence all summer,” Mrs. Reynolds replied. “It is much healthier here than in town at this time of year as you know. But Mr. Darcy and his American friend have been absent on business much of the time though they did return unexpectedly last evening.”