by Rachel Lee
She didn’t want to pick at those scabs or demand he drop his guard. That wouldn’t be kind. But she didn’t think she was reading him wrong. Life had made him a rock. A rock she had leaned on before. A rock she was leaning on right now.
But a lonely rock. Did she make him feel less lonely? He’d said how nice it was to come home and find her there. Maybe it was the simple things he most lacked. Maybe that had prompted the proposal. Concern for her, certainly, but also a need of his own.
For the first time in a while, she was considering someone else’s needs before her own, and she acknowledged once again that she had become quite selfish. Her parents had made her the center of their universe, and maybe in the process she’d started to think of herself that way. At least until she’d been scalded by life. The thought had entered her mind before, but now it was burrowing home painfully.
“Wyatt?” She spoke before she could stop herself. “I may be the most selfish person you know.”
His eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
“My whole life has been about me until just recently. You couldn’t possibly find that attractive.” Not after what Ellie had done to him.
“I think you underestimate yourself.”
“Really?” She waved a hand. “I’ve spent most of my life thinking about me.”
He shook his head a little. “I think you’ve spent most of your life thinking about your parents. What they wanted. Anyway, that doesn’t make you selfish.”
“Sure it does. I moved myself and all my problems into the center of your life, upsetting everything, maybe risking your election. Did I ever once ask if this was convenient for you? I should have been able to take care of myself.”
“Whoa,” he said, a long, drawn-out breath. “Easy. Since you got here you’ve been worrying about me, even though it’s not necessary. And if you remember, I was the one who suggested you come here. You never asked.”
“No, I dumped. I didn’t have to ask. I knew you’d come riding to the rescue if you could. That was unfair of me.”
“So? You needed help. What are friends for? And I rather like the idea that you felt you could trust me to help. What kind of man would I be if I didn’t?”
Well, she’d had experience of the other kind of man and didn’t think that was a fair question. Maybe better to ask what kind of person he’d be. Silly quibble, though. As a lawyer with a love of very precise language, she had lately found herself in a place where that precision had little meaning.
She spoke, taking a risk, but needing to know. “What did you do in Afghanistan? I thought you were with the JAG?”
“I was, but not all cases happen here. I volunteered to investigate a mess involving some SEALs. They gave me some basic combat training before I went, but nobody expected things to blow up. Unfortunately they did.” He made a gesture, as if pushing the subject away. “It’s over and I’m fine.”
Fine. “Kind of a wild thing to volunteer for.”
“Someone had to do it.” He shook his head. “It’s a long time in the past.”
Maybe so, but it told her more about him. Motorcycles and trips to dangerous places that he didn’t want to talk about. He had his moments, too. That made her feel better. He wasn’t perfect. But maybe most of his perfection had been created in her mind.
Thinking back she could remember his occasional impatience with people who made illogical legal arguments. He despised liars. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t shared frustrations of his own when they talked over the years. And some of his comments about one of the speakers at the last bar convention had been downright cutting.
So, okay, he was indeed human like everyone else. Somehow that eased her mind. What had she been doing? Turning him into some kind of superhero? Sheesh.
She could have laughed at herself. She looked across the table at him, feeling truly comfortable with him now, not inadequate in the way she had when she first arrived.
If she had been put through a blender in the last six weeks, she seemed to be coming out of it now. She was, indeed, settling down. Her mistakes didn’t seem so big, and she no longer felt that surely Wyatt was way above her.
Obviously he didn’t think so, but it was a little surprising to understand that she’d been harboring that feeling without recognizing it. He’d probably laugh if he knew, because she had learned that Wyatt didn’t take himself that seriously. If he did, he wouldn’t be wearing jeans and sweatshirts under his judicial robes. Ha!
She was so glad they had renewed their friendship, even if the circumstances weren’t the best. Phone calls, emails, the rare meeting at a convention...none of those had served to cross the bridge of the years the way this week had. She finally felt as if they were meeting as equals, all the detritus from the law school years swept away. She no longer needed to see him as someone awesome and unattainable.
But she still thought he was pretty awesome. She smothered a giggle, because she didn’t want to have to explain it to him. Didn’t matter, anyway. When she’d needed a safe harbor, he’d welcomed her.
And now...now they could move forward, possibly together, possibly not, but he’d given her the space to become ready to take her first few steps in that direction.
Pretty amazing guy.
* * *
When the women came by to pick up Amber a while later, Wyatt waved goodbye from the porch then went back inside to his office. He had some work to do, but his thoughts kept straying to Amber.
He hadn’t been fair to her by offering her marriage. He would have kicked his own butt if he could have. She needed to regain her strength and independence, not become reliant on him. Sure, it had seemed to make sense, and he wasn’t going to withdraw the offer, but he’d feel better about it if she didn’t decide it would be just an easy escape. He knew she’d thought of that. For one brief moment it had showed on her face. But only that once.
Thank God she hadn’t leaped. This was one case where his help might have been harmful. He certainly ought to know better.
But by the same token he was a man of his word. He’d made an offer and said he wouldn’t take it back. He just didn’t want it to become a way to cripple Amber.
Sitting there, he had an urge to take his bike up into the mountains while Amber was out. Ride fast and ride hard to clear the cobwebs from his head.
Without another thought, he called Connie’s cell and told her he was going to be out for a few hours. He’d leave the house unlocked for Amber.
After he disconnected, he thought he should give Amber a key. He should have done that when she first arrived. Shaking his head at himself, he ran upstairs to don his leathers and biker boots. Ten minutes later he and his bike were in the driveway. He put on his helmet and revved the motor.
The deep thrumming of that magnificent engine always satisfied him at some deep level. Moments later he was motoring carefully down the streets. Soon he was on a back road headed for the mountains, feeling free and happy, throwing caution to the winds.
As speed and dangerous curves forced him to concentrate on exactly what he was doing, his subconscious went to work. And out of nowhere he realized he might be making a mountain out of a molehill.
There was no reason that a proposal to Amber needed to be this complicated. He’d asked. She was an adult who could reach her own answer.
What he needed to do was stop worrying about all of it. He’d given Amber a haven, hers to do with as she pleased. He needed to drop his guard with her, and he just needed to settle back and enjoy whatever life brought his way.
Because it had brought something pretty amazing his way the past week.
“Just be grateful, jerk,” he said, his voice bouncing back at him from his faceplate. Just be grateful and let life flow.
* * *
The girls introduced Amber to yet another member of their group, Maris
a Tremaine, while they sat at tables that had been pushed together for them at the diner. Maude, the owner, was her usual grumpy self, but she didn’t seem to mind the space the women took up, or the fact they were drinking bottomless coffee and tea. A different kind of friendliness, Amber realized. Maude’s diner was evidently also a hangout.
Mostly she listened to the other women talk. They seemed so happy, laughing often and smiling constantly. They shared bits of their lives with complete comfort.
“Trace is back in DC,” Julie Archer said at one point. “I wonder if he’s ever going to be done with the hearings and investigation.” She turned to Amber. “My husband still works at one of those alphabet soup agencies. He’s trying to retire.”
Marisa spoke. “Mine did, too, same agency. He managed to get away, though.” She laughed quietly. “He’s called Ryker, Amber. You’ll like him.”
As much as she liked all these women, she suspected she would like their husbands as well.
Ashley gave an exaggerated sigh. “I’m the only spinster among us now.”
Julie grinned. “Maybe some alphabet soup guy will land on your doorstep, too.”
“I can wish,” Ashley said. She turned to Amber. “When you live in this place all your life, you know everyone. Or at least every eligible guy. I’ve tried most of them. Now I want a big surprise.”
Amber had to laugh, because it was obvious Ashley wasn’t really feeling sorry for herself. In fact, she said quite enough to convince Amber that she was happy with her life as it was.
“Tied up in a big bow,” suggested Julie.
A peal of laughter escaped Connie. “Just make sure I don’t have to arrest him for nudity.”
Ashley giggled. “Actually, tied up with a bow sounds more like getting a dog. I’d like a dog.”
“So get one,” said Marisa, and soon they were discussing the relative merits of breeds and the possible complications of trying to work with no one at home to look after a pet.
“My kids want a dog,” Connie said. “Begging constantly. But with Ethan and me both working? I don’t know if that would be fair.”
“A cat,” suggested Marisa.
Amber listened, smiling, enjoying the free flow of conversation among these women. But all too soon they grew aware of the time and the need to get home.
“Next week?” they asked Amber.
“I’d love it.”
Soon enough she was dropped off at the front door. Connie had told her that Wyatt had gone out but left the door unlocked for her. She climbed the steps, hoping he was home. His car was there, after all.
Just as she put her hand on the knob, however, she heard the distinctive rumble of a motorcycle coming down the street. She turned and saw a man in black leather riding a black Harley, his head totally concealed by a black helmet.
Oh, be still my beating heart, she thought when the bike turned into the driveway. Wyatt? She hoped so.
He brought the bike to a halt near the end of the porch and pushed his visor back. That was definitely Wyatt smiling at her. Her heart sped up immediately.
“Hey, Amber,” he said easily. “Go on inside. It’ll take me a few to park the hog.”
She waited briefly, however, enjoying the sight of him until he maneuvered the bike into the garage. Only then did she go inside to await him. She even started coffee for him, figuring that if he’d been out riding for a while he might be a bit cold.
It was high time, too, she told herself, that she started helping with some of the chores around here. He cooked every breakfast, and she couldn’t take that over as nauseated as she felt in the mornings, but maybe she could prepare a dinner or two when he was working the entire day?
Then Wyatt entered by way of a side door off the mudroom behind the kitchen, still in his leathers but without his helmet.
Her heart once again slammed into high gear as she spoke. “Do you have any idea how scrumptious you look right now?”
He grinned. “I like the sound of that. So leather turns you on?”
“When you’re in it,” she admitted.
His smiled widened and his eyes sparkled. “Then I’ll wear it a little while longer.”
Crossing the room and rounding the island, he said, “Do I smell coffee?”
“I’m making it...” Then before she could say more, he caught her beneath her bottom and lifted her. She reached for his shoulders for support, and the two of them met in a sudden explosion of fire.
He kissed her until she was breathless, then lifted his mouth from hers. “Our problem,” he said huskily, “both of us, is that we put walls around ourselves and our feelings. Much safer that way.”
Still partly dazed, she blinked, clinging to his shoulders, loving the feel of his hard body against hers. “What...when...”
“We need to talk,” he said, slowly lowering her to her feet. She hated it when he let her go. “Things just suddenly got very clear when I was riding. Coffee?”
She shook her head, waiting while he poured. Then she made her way to a chair, certain she wasn’t going to like this at all.
Because when did we need to talk ever precede anything pleasant?
Chapter Twelve
He brought her a glass of milk, then asked if she wanted to stay in the kitchen or move to his office.
“Office,” she said immediately. He’d made it a cozy, welcoming room, and for some reason she felt that whatever he wanted to say to her would be easier to take surrounded by books, old wood and comfortable chairs. Not here in the harsh edges of his modern kitchen.
He let her lead the way down the hall. She took the armchair she always used, set her milk on the side table and picked up his great-grandmother’s shawl, spreading it over her lap, staring at its brilliant colors as if that beauty would save her somehow.
Instead of sitting behind his mahogany desk, however, he pulled the other armchair closer and sat facing her, cradling his coffee in his hands. She waited nervously, wondering what he had to say.
“I’ve been slowly realizing,” he said, “that since Ellie I’ve been in a kind of emotional stasis. Hiding out so nothing like that will happen again. I think you started doing the same thing since Tom. What we feel...well, we’ll never really share it unless we pull those walls down, Amber. In fact, I think both of us have been building those walls for a very long time. I’m honestly not sure Ellie ever got behind them, even though I considered proposing to her.”
She nodded and swallowed hard. She couldn’t deny it. All her life a big part of her had been locked away for whatever reason. Because she was so on task trying to please her parents. Because her need for success wouldn’t let anything else get in the way. Until Tom.
“In my case,” he said, “I closed up after Afghanistan. Mostly. There are parts of me I absolutely won’t share. It’s a self-protective shell. I need to stay objective, levelheaded...and not just because I’m a judge. I need it for myself.”
She nodded again. Oh, did that sound familiar. “I let Tom get through and look where it got me.”
He looked at her with a half smile. “Yeah, we both picked wonderful people to lower our barriers with. So as I was riding today I realized that I’m hunkered down in my fortress when what I really want to do is live. Not saying I don’t want to stay here or be a judge, but I’m not letting anything else into my life. I’m not living a rounded life. And my proposal to you was like a business offer because I can’t get around these walls, and yet I was reaching out for something I need. So I offered a merger, which must have offended the hell out of you.”
“I wasn’t offended,” she said. “Did I say I was? But I was shocked.”
“Of course you were. I’ve been kick
ing myself ever since I did it.”
Her heart slammed. Here came the bad news.
“I didn’t handle it well, and I’m not proud of myself. Not at all. My dad told you I was sweet on you back in law school.”
“Yes.” And she’d felt the same way. She looked down, running her fingers over the shawl. “I felt the same way, Wyatt. So don’t be embarrassed.”
“I’m not embarrassed. I just look back at those days and think I was a fool.”
That jerked her head up, her heart racing. “A fool? You were never a fool.”
“Yes, I was. Because I had all sorts of good reasons for keeping our relationship purely friendly, but I ignored the most important reason in the world not to.”
She caught her breath. “Which was?”
“That I was in love with you. Instead of coming up with reasons why it couldn’t work, I should have been fighting to find ways to make it work. But I didn’t. I gave you up simply because I thought it was right for you.”
“You never asked,” she whispered, her heart climbing into her throat.
“No, I never asked you what you wanted or how you felt. Which makes me a complete ass, I guess. But I didn’t. I went my way, you went yours and I tucked away a whole lot of what was in my heart because I had myself convinced it couldn’t be.”
“Oh, Wyatt...”
“When I think of that wasted decade, I feel like a double fool. And maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you wouldn’t have wanted me enough back then to risk your plans and future. I don’t know and you can’t possibly know. It’s just that after this last week I got that you’ve always occupied a huge place in my heart. You’re already inside my walls. I might as well open the gates and let you the rest of the way in. Unless you don’t want it.”
He stood up, walking around the room, amazingly handsome and attractive in his leathers. She wanted that image always seared into her mind, whatever happened.
And she wished she knew what to say. She was amazed that he was saying he’d always loved her. Had she always loved him? She knew she’d wanted him, that the desire for him had never faded entirely away. That phone calls and emails had never been quite enough to content her.