MOTHER: A Novel
Page 24
“I don’t know. She was unconscious on the couch when I came home.”
“Are you sure she’s not drunk?”
“She doesn’t drink, Dad,” Emma replied angrily.
“Where are you?”
“Home, the ambulance didn’t get here yet.”
“I’m sure she’ll be fine,” Gregory said nonchalantly.
Emma grew angrier.
“Don’t you even care?” she shouted.
“Well...it’s just that we’re not together anymore,” Gregory said, thinking, I’ve got to stop answering this phone!
“And whose fault is that?” Emma yelled as she wiped more tears from her face.
“Look, Emma, I’m sorry about your mother, really, but there’s nothing I can do,” Gregory said flatly.
Emma heard the sirens from the ambulance wailing not too far from the house. She should have been relieved but grew even more afraid. What if they announced that Jane was dead or that it was hopeless? It became harder for Emma to breathe.
“Will you meet us at the hospital, Dad...please?” she begged, still crying uncontrollably.
“I can’t, Emma...I was just leaving the office myself. Katie’s sick.”
“But Jane might die,” Emma said, her voice cracking. She felt so weak, so tired.
“I gotta go, Emma, everything will be fine,” Gregory said quickly and hung up before Emma had a chance to beg him for sympathy, support or compassion.
Emma threw the phone across the room and sobbed loudly. How could this happen? And of all days, on her birthday. Emma
remembered the gift that Jane had left for her. She slowly walked to the dining room and cradled the small box to her chest, crying softly.
She unwrapped the paper carefully, opened the box and pulled out the bracelet. It was so beautiful. Normally she would have been thrilled. As she searched for the clasp to put it on, she noticed the “daughter” charm dangling. It was like an arrow piercing her heart.
Some daughter she had been! She didn’t deserve to wear this bracelet, this testament of love from a mother to a daughter. But Emma knew it might very well be the last gift she ever received from Jane. With shaky fingers, she struggled to put it on, finally able to secure the clasp. She would never take it off.
Emma walked back to the living room and clung to Jane. As she watched her through tear-blurred eyesight, she relived her monstrosities, all the pain she had caused. She sat there, slumped over Jane’s body, regretting it all, wishing she could do it all over again. She wished that she had apologized to Jane, that she had told her how much she loved her. She regretted not following her instincts to hug her earlier. Now she might never have the chance. Jane would die thinking that she hated her.
“Emma, they’re here!” Sarah called out excitedly. Emma did not respond. She looked dazed. Sarah left to open the door for the paramedics.
The paramedics quickly carried the gurney over to Jane.
“You’ll have to move,” one of them said to Emma. Emma was unresponsive.
The paramedics looked at one another. They needed to move quickly and Emma was not cooperating.
“Emma, get out of the way,” Sarah yelled, to no avail.
One of the paramedics gently pulled Emma forward, hoping she would take the lead and allow them to get Jane onto the gurney. Emma slumped forward and fell to the floor with a soft thud.
“Oh my God, Emma, what’s wrong with you?” Sarah shouted.
“I think she’s in shock,” the other paramedic said as they placed her upon the gurney instead of Jane. One of the paramedics began examining her vital signs while the other examined Jane. Another ambulance arrived shortly thereafter and both Jane and Emma were transported to the hospital.
Emma awoke feeling disoriented. She was on a bed—a hospital
bed in a sterile, white-walled hospital room. There was an intravenous line attached to her right arm. Her head hurt and her throat was dry. It took her a few minutes to remember what had happened earlier that day, to remember Jane’s lifeless body on the couch. She was flooded by an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety and a monitor she was attached to began beeping frantically.
Emma sat up. She wanted to get up, get out of bed, find Jane, but she was attached to so many things. She pulled off an electrode and an alarm went off. Two nurses ran in within seconds.
“Hey, hey, relax,” the older nurse said in a thick Spanish accent.
“Where’s Jane Winston?” Emma yelled anxiously.
“You need to calm down,” the younger nurse said. She was wearing pretty blue scrubs with penguins on them.
“No, where is she? Where is she?” Emma repeated. She was getting hysterical. The older nurse told the younger nurse to get the doctor. The younger nurse quickly left the room while the older nurse attempted to calm Emma down.
“Just relax,” she said, “you’re going to be all right.”
Emma was crying now.
“Can’t you just tell me where she is and how she’s doing?”
“First you need to relax.”
“Please, please,” Emma begged.
Emma wanted to rip every wire off and run from room to room until she found Jane, but she knew she wouldn’t get far. She slowly took a deep breath and waited for an answer.
“Please,” Emma repeated, “I need to know.” She sobbed quietly as the other nurse returned with a tall dark-haired man in a white lab coat.
“How are you feeling, Emma?” the doctor asked.
“I’m trying to find out about Jane…Jane Winston,” Emma whimpered, sounding more like six than sixteen.
“I’m Dr. Clayton. Can you tell us how to contact your father?”
“I don’t know. Why do you need to contact him?”
“What’s his name?”
“I just want to know what happened,” Emma sobbed.
“I know, and we’ll tell you everything in just a minute. But for now it’s important that you help us find your father...or maybe a grandparent or aunt...any adult relative,” the doctor said softly.
“I don’t even know where my father lives, I only have his work
number and I’ve already called him and he doesn’t care.” The younger nurse handed Emma a box of tissues.
“Any other relatives?” the doctor asked.
Emma shook her head, growing increasingly anxious. Why would they need to find another relative?
“Is…is she…dead?” Emma asked, fearing the worst.
The doctor and nurses all exchanged looks as though they had to be in agreement about the answer. Their grim expressions confirmed Emma’s worst fear.
She began to cry hysterically even before getting the answer.
“You’re going to be just fine Emma,” the doctor said and he placed a hand on her shoulder.
“Is there anyone we can call for you?” the older nurse said sympathetically. She couldn’t imagine what this poor girl was going through. According to the chart, today was her birthday. She would never have another happy birthday again in her life.
All Emma could think about was how terribly she had treated Jane. The last thing she had said to her was that she didn’t need her. It was the furthest thing from the truth. She thought about all of the times she wished that Jane would die. God was punishing her. It was all her fault that she had died. Emma was overcome by grief. Her body wracked with sobs and dry heaves.
“I killed her,” she yelled as she struggled to free herself from the wires. “It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault....”
The doctor restrained her and ordered the nurse to administer a mild sedative. Minutes later, Emma grew drowsy. In her mind, Jane was alive and well. She was singing her a lullaby. She smiled as she drifted off to unconsciousness.
“What are we going to do with her?” the younger nurse asked.
“If we can’t get in touch with her father or any other relative, she’ll have to be placed into foster care.”
“It’s so sad,” the older nurse said
softly. “I wonder why she blames herself.”
The doctor shrugged and then walked out of the room.
“Not a good birthday, huh?” the younger nurse said.
“That poor child. She’s going to need years of counseling,” the older nurse said.
“I can’t imagine what she’s going through right now.”
Emma dreamed happily, safe in her imaginary world where Jane
was alive and well and cradling her in her loving arms.
~21~
Within a couple of hours, the sedative wore off and Emma had to once again face the harsh reality of Jane’s death.
“You’re awake,” Sarah said softly.
Emma looked over and saw Sarah with her mother, Mrs. Palmer, sitting at her bedside.
“She...she’s dead,” Emma said, as she wept heavily.
Sarah approached her and gave her a big hug.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” Sarah’s mom said, reaching over to stroke her hair.
Emma was too choked up to reply. Her head still hurt and she was thirsty, but it didn’t even matter to her. She could not stop thinking about Jane and how horrible it must have been to die so miserably and lonely.
“We got in touch with your father,” Sarah’s mom continued. “He should be here any minute.”
“I was so bad to her,” Emma sobbed. “This is all my fault.”
“You can’t blame yourself, Emma,” Sarah’s mom said softly.
“Your mom loved you so much,” Sarah added. “Do you think she would want you blaming yourself?”
Emma shook her head slowly as the tears continued to pour from her eyes. Her eyes were so puffy and heavy, she could barely open them. She wiped her nose with the sheet that covered her, not the least bit concerned about etiquette or how offensive it may have appeared.
“At least you can go home today,” Sarah said optimistically, trying to cheer Emma up a bit. It had the opposite effect. Emma sobbed even harder. How could she go home? She didn’t have anyone to go home to. She felt like an orphan even though Mrs. Palmer had informed her that her father was on his way.
With that thought, Gregory walked in. He looked surprised to see Emma. She had grown and changed so much since nearly two years ago when he last saw her. To his own surprise, he felt truly regretful
that he had not remained a part of her life. He suppressed his on sobs as he approached her. He had to be strong, for her sake. Sarah moved out of his way. He threw his arms around her and hugged her for a long time, saying nothing at all.
Finally, he backed up and looked closely at her. She looked absolutely dreadful. He did not know what to say to console her.
Worse, he didn’t know how he was going to tell her that she still couldn’t move in with him and Sue. Sue was adamant about it. She said that there were issues in their own relationship that they needed to work out before even considering adding another member to their family. He thought she was reasonable. Having a depressed, angry teenager surely would only complicate things further.
“Dad?” Emma asked as she sniffled.
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“Did she know about Sue? Before you left, I mean. Did she know all along?”
Gregory knew Emma was referring to Jane.
“Yes, Emma, she knew,” Gregory answered honestly. There was no point in denying it now. “But right now we need to get you well again.”
Emma’s sobbing slowed down, perhaps because the resentment she had originally felt toward Gregory began to resurface. She knew that she would have to live with him now, and it was the last thing in the world that she wanted.
“I’ll be fine,” Emma said emotionlessly. She could not bring herself to even look at him. She stared over at Sarah and her mom.
Sensing the tension in the air, Mrs. Palmer stood up, prompting Sarah to do the same.
“We have to get going,” she said, “but we’ll see you real soon. If you need anything—anything at all—just call us.”
“Bye Emma,” Sarah said sadly and she gave Emma another big hug and a kiss on her cheek.
They left the room as Gregory took a seat beside Emma.
“Sweetheart, I know this is difficult for you, but everything’s going to be fine, I promise you.”
It was exactly the same promise that Jane had made to Emma earlier that morning. Except nothing was fine. Nothing would ever be fine again. Emma began to cry hysterically, unable to catch her breath. Gregory thought she might pass out. He stood up to try to
console her but she pulled away from him.
“Don’t touch me,” she shouted.
“But honey, I—”
“Just leave me alone,” she sobbed. A shadow caught her eye and when she looked up, Zachary was standing in front of her. He, too, was crying.
“Oh God, Emma, I’m so, so sorry,” he sobbed, without acknowledging Gregory.
Emma cried too, her short-lived brave front was over. Zachary hugged her tightly and kissed her on the forehead.
“I’m s-sorry,” she cried.
“What for?” Zachary asked.
“For being so bad to you, I don’t know why—”
“None of that matters, Emma,” he said softly.
“But, I...I never got a chance to say sorry to her. I caused her so much pain.”
“Do you know how much your mom loved you? Even when you said and did mean things, she loved you completely. And she knew you loved her too, no matter what. She forgives you, Emma, she forgives you....”
They held on to one another sobbing while Gregory sat quietly, not knowing what to say or do. It was an awkward feeling and he wanted to leave. Yet, he knew he owed it to Emma to stick around a while longer. He waited exactly two minutes more before standing up.
“I gotta go, sweetheart,” Gregory said. Zachary moved out of the way so that Gregory could give her a goodbye kiss.
“Where are you going?” Emma asked. “Aren’t I going home with you?”
“Uh...no, I spoke to Zach earlier, he says you can stay with him and Colleen for a while until we figure things out.”
“I get it, you still don’t want me,” she said sadly. She no longer wanted to live with him but the rejection stung her just as badly.
“No, Em, it’s not like that, it’s just that it’s—”
“Complicated,” Emma finished his sentence. “I know, you’ve told me. Just go.”
“I’ll see you soon,” he said and left quickly.
“I’m all alone,” Emma whimpered sadly.
“No you’re not, you’ll never be all alone,” Zachary promised her.
“You can stay with Colleen and I for as long as you’d like.”
A grief counselor entered the room.
“Hi Emma, I’m Dr. Murdock, I’m a psychologist. Can I speak with you for a moment?”
Emma nodded.
“Dad, can I just speak with Emma alone?” he asked Zachary.
“My dad already left,” Emma said sadly.
“I’m Zach Connor,” Zach said, extending a hand out to Dr. Murdock. “I’m a family friend.”
“Nice to meet you,” Dr. Murdock said, “I’ll need about twenty minutes or so, maybe you can grab some coffee or something.”
Zachary nodded and left.
“How’re you doin’ Emma?” he asked quietly.
Emma didn’t answer, but she didn’t have to. Her tears and puffy eyes spoke volumes.
“I know it feels like the end of the world, but you’ll get through this.”
“I was mean to her,” she sobbed.
“That’s the nature of parent-child relationships, especially with teenagers. It’s natural. Your mom knew that. She didn’t hold it against you.”
“You don’t know that. I was really, really mean, I called her names like fat pig and loser and bitch...and…and I slapped her once...that’s not natural,” Emma said, growing frantic.
The surprised expression on the doctor’s face made it clear that he was quite horrified.
Emma nodded. Even when she had treated Jane like the worst scum of the earth, Jane had always shown her love and kindness. She had never uttered a bad word against Emma. She always cared for her and worried about her. She did love her unconditionally. Yet it only made Emma feel guiltier.
“Would your mom want you to be so sad right now?”
Emma shook her head. Jane always went out of her way to make
Emma feel better. She would do anything for Emma, make any sacrifice for her. Emma thought about her soothing words, telling
her that everything would be fine. Yet it just made her feel more distraught.
“She’s gone,” Emma said sadly. “I lost my chance to say sorry, to tell her that I loved her.”
“I guarantee she already knew that,” Dr. Murdock said softly.
“But I’ll never get to hug her again, I’ll never hear her say that she loves me, she won’t be there on my next birthday, or any others, and when I get engaged and married and have kids and—”
“You’ve got to think about all of the times that she was there...all the good memories that you had together. She’ll live on in your heart.”
“It’s not enough,” Emma cried. “I need her.”
“Every day will get easier and easier. It’s hard to imagine now, but you’ll see, in time you’ll adjust to her absence. Do you have any siblings?”
Emma scowled, thinking of her father and the half-sister she had recently found out about. Dr. Murdock could see that he touched upon a sensitive issue.
“Is that a yes?” he asked cautiously.
Emma nodded.
“I just found out that I have a little sister. She’s almost two. It’s the reason my dad left us. I always thought that...that....” Emma became choked up again. She could not finish her sentence.
“It’s okay, take your time.”
“I blamed her,” Emma cried. “I thought my dad left because she had gotten so fat.”
“No one ever told you, so you needed to find a reason that made sense.”