MOTHER: A Novel

by Angel Gelique

  “But I was so wrong. I treated her like garbage and she still didn’t say anything about it. She took the blame even though it was his fault.”

  “She didn’t want you to hate your dad,” Dr. Murdock said flatly.

  “But I ended up hating her instead,” Emma sobbed.

  “That wasn’t hate, it was anger, and your mom knew and understood it. You can’t beat yourself up over it.”

  Emma cried silently, saying nothing more.

  “Is your dad coming back to take you home soon?”

  Emma shook her head. “He doesn’t want me. I’m going home with Mr. Connor.”

  “I’m sure there’s a good reason for that.”

  “Yeah, he has a new family now,” Emma said sadly.

  “I’m sure—”

  “I don’t care, I don’t want to live with him anyway.”

  “Do you have any aunts or uncles or grandparents you can live with?”

  Emma shook her head again.

  “I’ll be fine,” Emma said, “just like you said I’d be.”

  She didn’t believe it for a second. She just wanted to be left alone now.

  “I’m sure you will be,” Dr. Murdock said, unconvinced. “I’ll be seeing you again soon, Emma. If you need to talk about anything, you call me—any time is fine.”

  Dr. Murdock handed Emma his business card. He expressed his sympathy and then left.

  Emma knew that she would never be fine again. Just as soon as she could, she would take the rest of her diet pills and be with Jane.

  Dr. Murdock waited just outside the door for Zachary to return. He wanted to warn him to keep a good eye on Emma. He correctly suspected that her grief was too much for her to handle. She would need months of counseling to begin to accept Jane’s death.

  “Mr. Connor? May I have a word with you?” Dr. Murdock asked when Zachary approached carrying two foam cups.

  “Sure,” he answered. They stood a few feet away from the door to Emma’s hospital room.

  “She’s really distraught, Mr. Connor, she’s going to need a lot of therapy to cope with her mother’s death.”

  “I’m sure. Their relationship rapidly deteriorated after her father left. Just this past week or so, things were really bad. I’m sure she must be overcome with guilt.”

  “Do you have her father’s phone number? I’ll need to contact him to arrange for the appointments.”

  “I do...but I’m sure he’ll tell you to arrange everything through me since Emma will be in my care and custody. Greg—that’s Emma’s father—is grudgingly making the funeral arrangements. He plans on granting my wife and I legal guardianship over Emma.”

  “What’s wrong with that guy? Doesn’t he realize that this is the worst possible time to do such a thing to Emma?”

  “That’s Greg for you. Ever since he left he hasn’t looked back. I

  guess his girlfriend and new daughter are his only concerns now.”

  Dr. Murdock shook his head in disgust. Emma was going to need a lot of work...a whole lot of work.

  Zachary gave him Gregory’s cell phone number and he thanked him, letting him know that he’d be in touch. He warned Zachary to keep a watchful eye on Emma. Dr. Murdock didn’t outright say that she might be suicidal, but Zachary understood his concern. Having such a responsibility frightened him and he hated Gregory for it.

  Zachary entered Emma’s room. She was lying on her side, crying quietly. Zachary didn’t know how she had any tears left to cry. His heart went out to her. She looked like a little girl. She didn’t even look up as he approached her bed.

  “I brought you some hot chocolate,” he said, placing the cup on the nightstand.

  “Thanks,” she said sadly. She didn’t move. Tears continued rolling down her eyes, soaking the pillow underneath her head.

  “I’m just going to sit here. If you want to talk, I’m all ears,” Zachary said and he sat silently, sipping his coffee as he listened to Emma’s mournful sobbing.

  It took over an hour before a nurse entered the room with discharge papers. She unattached the intravenous line and heart monitor electrodes. Then she and Zachary left to give Emma some privacy to get dressed. Earlier in the day, Sarah had brought her some clothing.

  The ride to Zachary’s house was silent. At least Emma wasn’t crying. She just stared out of the window, lost in thought. When she entered the house, Colleen gave Emma a big hug. Emma said nothing.

  “Are you hungry, honey?” Colleen asked Emma.

  Emma shook her head.

  “How about a cup of tea?”

  “I just want to sleep,” Emma replied desolately.

  “Of course, I’ve put clean sheets on the bed in the guest room. There’s a new toothbrush in there and a nightshirt that should fit you.”

  “Thanks, Mrs. Connor,” she said as Colleen led her to the guest room.

  “Tomorrow we’ll take you to your house so that you can pick up some of your items.”

  Like diet pills, Emma thought. It was all she needed now.

  ~22~

  Emma struggled to fall asleep. Physically she was exhausted but she was so mentally tortured by her mistreatment of Jane that she could not relax enough to sleep. She stared up at the ceiling for a good part the night, praying that she would fall asleep and wake up in heaven. From time to time she looked over at the clock on the nightstand, watching the hours slowly pass by. She had to flip the pillow over more than once because it had become drenched with her tears. Finally, her eyelids grew heavy. She began drifting off as she thought of her childhood with Jane...those happy times.

  She was just a toddler, yet the memory was so clear. She had fallen off a slide at the playground and cut her knee. She could still feel the stinging of her torn skin, feel the blood trickle down her leg. Jane was so upset, so worried as she ran to scoop Emma up in her arms.

  “It’s okay, baby,” she said as she hugged Emma close. Emma could smell her sweet perfume. She carried her over to the bench, pulled out a wipe from a small travel-sized package and cleaned the wound. She leaned over and gave her a kiss and said, “all better!” and just like that, it truly was all better.

  Emma was seven years old and having trouble riding her two-wheel bicycle. She kept falling off. She already had plenty of painful scabs and bruises from the past week of trying. It seemed hopeless.

  She threw her bike down in the garage and started storming off to the house, tears flowing down her face.

  “Where are you going?” Jane asked.

  “I can’t do it,” Emma cried. “I’ll never learn how to ride a bike!”

  “Yes you will, you just need to practice. You can’t give up.”

  Jane hugged Emma tight. She looked straight in her eyes and said, “you can do it, Emma Rose. Come on, let’s try again.”

  Emma reluctantly followed Jane to the garage. She picked up her bike and walked it to the middle of the driveway. Emma climbed on

  as Jane held the bike still.

  “I’ll walk with you as you pedal slowly. Don’t look anywhere but straight ahead. Believe in yourself, Emma. You can do this.”

  As Emma pedaled, Jane held the bike lightly and jogged behind her. When it seemed that Emma had balanced the bike on her own and was riding well, Jane let go and ran ahead so that Emma could see that she was riding on her own. Emma nearly fell, but Jane kept her going. She learned to ride her bike and beamed with pride for days to come. Jane had given Emma the confidence that she needed and since then, any time Emma felt unsure of herself, she would use that moment to re-boost her confidence.

  Emma was eleven years old and had her first official crush on a boy in her class. Unfortunately, he had his own crush—on her best friend Sarah! Emma was devastated. She wanted this boy, Drew, to notice her. When he finally acknowledged her existence, it was to ask her to give Sarah a note he had written for her.

  Emma took the note, tongue-tied and blushing and put it into her pocket. Instead of giving Sarah the note, she had gone to the b
athroom and read it. In sloppy lettering, it read:

  Dear Sarah,

  I think you are the prettiest girl in the school. Do you want to hang out together after school one day? Write back.

  Drew

  Emma couldn’t help but cry. She felt like her heart was being ripped out of her chest. She wanted to rip the note up into a million pieces and flush it down the toilet. Instead, she crumpled it up and shoved it back into her pocket. She was angry. Not at Drew though, but at Sarah. If it weren’t for Sarah, Drew would want to hang out with her instead.

  She returned to class visibly upset. The teacher embarrassed her by asking if she was okay and told her that she could go to the nurse if she wasn’t feeling well. She wasn’t sick, but it was a good idea. She went to the nurse’s office and Jane was called.

  During the car ride home, Jane knew something else was wrong with Emma—not a stomach ache as she had claimed.

  “So are you going to tell me what’s really wrong?” Jane said sympathetically.

  Emma started to say “nothing,” but tears welled up in her eyes betraying her response.

  “I’ll tell you what,” Jane said with a warm smile. “Why don’t we get some ice-cream and talk it over?”

  Emma nodded. It sounded good to her.

  At the ice-cream shop, they sat across from one another and ate sundaes as Emma poured her heart out to Jane, telling her all about

  Drew. She pulled out the note he had written and passed it to Jane. Jane read it and pouted. Her little girl was growing up. She had experienced her first real heartbreak.

  “Oh Emma, I’m so sorry that you have to feel this way. It sucks, I know. And I wish there was some way I could shield you from this pain, but I can’t. It’s all part of growing up. My baby’s growing up,” she said, with tears in her own eyes.

  “I always thought I was prettier than Sarah,” Emma said, her pride just as hurt as her heart.

  “I think so too,” Jane agreed. “But boys are funny. You never know what they’ll like. Some boys only like blonde girls or tall girls or short girls or girls with freckles. There’s no telling who will like you, but I can tell you for sure, one day—one day soon—lots of boys will like you and want to hang out with you too. You’ll see.”

  Emma couldn’t imagine, though Jane had always seemed to be right about everything. It didn’t help how she felt at the present time.

  “But how do I stop feeling so sad?” she asked, in an almost shy, timid voice.

  “Little by little, with each passing day, it gets easier and easier until one day you’ll wonder what you ever saw in him.”

  Emma nodded. She was skeptical but had to believe Jane knew what she was talking about. Besides, she had no choice. There was no magic cure. She would have to believe that time would make things better...and it did. In less than two week she could hardly believe she was attracted to Drew, who now seemed clumsy and goofy to her.

  “You were right, Mom,” Emma confided as she hugged Jane.

  “I’m glad you’re feeling better, honey. You have to have faith that everything will be fine....”

  Emma had just turned fourteen. Her dad had entered her bedroom and announced that he was moving out. Saying only that

  he loved her, he kissed her cheek and left the house. Emma expected him to return. Days turned into weeks and it seemed less and less likely that he was coming back. Jane walked into her bedroom one day as she was crying.

  “What’s wrong, Em?” she asked, as she put her arm around Emma to console her.

  “How could Dad just leave?” she sobbed.

  “He needed some space,” Jane said, not knowing what to say.

  “How could you be so fine about it?” Emma asked angrily.

  “I had some time to get used to it,” Jane said honestly. “It’s better this way.”

  “For who? For you? When’s he coming back?”

  “I don’t know, darling.”

  “But why did he go? Wasn’t I a good enough daughter?”

  “Are you kidding? You’re the best daughter in the world. This has nothing to do with you Emma, nothing at all.”

  “Dad wouldn’t just pick up and leave without a reason.”

  “Well, he had his reasons, but I promise, it had nothing to do with you.”

  “How do you know? Maybe he just doesn’t love me anymore.”

  Jane hugged Emma tight.

  “Now you listen to me, Emma, your dad left because of me...because we didn’t get along any more. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, nothing at all. I know it’s hard to accept right now, but it’ll get easier, you’ll see. Everything’s gonna be just fine....”

  Jane’s words echoed in her mind: “You have to have faith that everything will be fine....”

  “Emma?” Emma’s eyes fluttered open slowly as she squinted to keep the bright light from hurting them. The corners of her eyes were crusted where her salty tears had dried. It seemed like she had just fallen asleep and now Colleen was waking her.

  “I’m sorry to wake you, sweetie, but we’ve got to get Scott off to school, it’s almost seven thirty.”

  “Can’t I just stay here, Mrs. Connor?” Emma asked wearily. “I’ll just stay in bed until you get back...I’m so tired.”

  Colleen thought about it for a moment. She had hated to wake

  Emma up, but Zachary had told her about Dr. Murdock’s warning

  and she didn’t want to risk anything.

  “I figured we could stop off at your house afterward and get some of your things since we’ll be in the area...or we could go shopping for some new things if you’d prefer.”

  Emma seemed to perk up a bit. Colleen thought she was interested in going shopping. Nothing like retail therapy, she thought with a thin smile. Yet Emma did not have shopping in mind. Rather, she was thinking about getting her diet pills and her cell phone. She wanted to say goodbye to Sarah.

  “I’ll be ready in ten minutes,” Emma said quietly and she sat up on the bed.

  “I’ll buy you breakfast on the way back from the school,” Colleen said just before leaving the room.

  Emma quickly dressed and used the bathroom. She was ready to go in five minutes.

  After dropping Scott off at school, Colleen drove to a bagel shop. Emma’s stomach growled loudly, but the last thing she felt like doing was eating.

  “I’m not hungry…really,” she tried explaining to Colleen.

  “I know you don’t feel like eating, but you have to, Emma. You need to keep your strength up. Even if you just nibble.”

  At Colleen’s insistence, Emma picked at a plain bagel. It felt rubbery in her mouth. She hadn’t even eaten a quarter of it before feeling nauseous. She pushed it aside and slowly sipped her water.

  Emma and Colleen sat in silence as Colleen finished her breakfast bagel sandwich and coffee. It was awkward. Emma just wanted to go home.

  After leaving the bagel shop, Colleen told Emma that she was going to drive to Jane’s house.

  “I’ll take you shopping too,” she said, “but maybe you want to grab some personal items.”

  “Yes, I do,” Emma said softly, “thanks.”

  It’s amazing how tragedy could transform a teenager from a rude monster to a sweet, well-mannered human being again, Colleen thought, as she looked over at Emma. She looked so young and frail, much younger than sixteen.

  The car ride to Jane’s house seemed to take forever. Colleen could see Emma growing increasingly tense as they drove closer to

  the house. When they finally arrived, Emma took a deep breath before exiting the car.

  Colleen and Emma walked into the house. Colleen could see that

  Emma was trying desperately not to break down again. Colleen put her arm around her shoulder.

  “I’ll be okay,” Emma said softly. She walked to the living room, in search of the diet pills. Seeing the empty couch brought on a surge of sadness so overwhelming that she could no longer hold back her tears. She let out a mournful
cry as she flung herself on the couch and sobbed uncontrollably. Colleen approached her with tears in her own eyes.

  “Oh Emma, I’m so sorry, this was too soon, I don’t know what I was thinking,” she said.

  Emma was silent. She stayed on the couch crying for a long while, rehashing all of the bitter memories that had plagued her mind, all the times she was cruel to Jane. The remorse and grief was too much for her to deal with. Her head felt like it was going to split open. It was the worst pain she had ever felt. It’s the perfect time to take the pills and end all of this misery, Emma thought. She managed to stop crying and looked around for the pills. She couldn’t remember what she had done with it. She prayed that the paramedics hadn’t taken them away. She searched behind and underneath the couch cushions, underneath the couch and on the floor of the living room.

  “What are you looking for?” Colleen asked.

  Emma did not know how to answer.

  “I...I can’t find my cell phone,” she replied, thinking fast. “I thought I had it with me in here the last time...when...when….”

  “I’ll help you find it,” Colleen said and she began looking around the coffee table and end tables.

  When Emma mentioned the cell phone, she remembered that she had the pills in her hand when she had called her father...and she had called her father from the kitchen. She slowly walked to the kitchen. There, on the counter, she found the bottle of diet pills. She snatched it up quickly and shoved it into her pocket. She walked to the dining room when she heard Colleen approaching.

  The decorated dining room only added to her distress. She stared over at the card that Jane had left for her on the dining room table. Waves of intense sadness washed over her. She hadn’t even opened

  her birthday card. She wiped the tears from her eyes as Colleen walked up to her.

  “God, I wish I could take the pain away,” Colleen said softly, throwing her arms around Emma. Then she noticed the unopened birthday card.

  “Oh,” she said, understanding, to a certain extent, how Emma had felt. She had just lost her own mother. Though it was an entirely different situation since she was a forty-four year-old adult and Emma was just a young child. Moreover, Colleen had had a wonderful relationship with her mother, whereas Emma had been cruel to Jane. Colleen could understand the grief from loss, but she could never fathom the guilt that Emma was suffering.