by Tara Brown
She looks confused but Constantine looks devastated. He shakes his head, “No. Why, my love?”
I can feel the tears in my eyes, but my heart is empty of the pain. He tears open his own shirt and suddenly the word—the name Ellie, is there. It shines in the light of the crystal palace. He grabs my hands, “You take mine.”
I can’t. The tears blind me, but I feel him push my hand into his chest. I feel the hilt of the dagger in my hand. I cry out, “Please, no. Take mine.”
His face is one of agonizing betrayal. He shakes his head, shoving me back. He screams as I am freed from his chest, me and the dagger.
I turn, holding the trembling blade in my hand. The priestess cries out, “You cannot have that in here! There are no weapons in the garden! How have you brought that here?”
I sniffle, “I cannot help you. I have to help my people.”
Her blue eyes go wide, “We are your people. You were born here in the garden, we loved you first.”
I shake my head, “I can’t help you. What do I do? How do I stop her? How do I stop the horsemen?”
Her lip twists into a hateful look. So much for Constantine’s theory on them being positive all the time.
“Swear you will stay here to be with us and help us, and I will tell your friends how to save the humans. But the light must stay here with us.”
I shake my head, “What can you do with the light? What good is it if the whole world is burned and destroyed?”
She laughs, it’s almost a cackle. She looks at the others like her. They laugh nervously, staring at my blade. “The angels stand no chance against it. It opens the heavens and takes everyone home.”
I look at Constantine, “I’m going after her.”
He nods. I look at Mona, “You coming?”
She doesn’t move. She doesn’t look at me. She and the man are lost in each other’s stare.
The lady snarls, “You make that deal with me, or I will kill them both.”
I shake my head, “No, you won’t. You don’t commit sins and they are innocent.”
She steps closer to me, “You misunderstand. I believe my cause is just.”
My hand flies, all on it’s own. I don’t have the strength or the care to stop myself. The white-eyed man laughs in an evil tone that sounds like a cackle. The priestess gags and chokes as the silver blade slides into her abdomen. I hear gasps and people crying out, but they do not move on me. The man next to Constantine, the beautiful man, turns his face from Mona finally. He smiles, “Goodbye, mother.” His bright-blue eyes flicker to me, “Thank you, savior. You will find your mother at the gate, if your hurry. Then we can both be free of the horrors they bring.”
I look at Constantine, my heart is pounding. The lady drops to her knees, blue blood spills from her lips as if it were ink.
Constantine grabs my hand, “FLY NOW!”
I open my mouth to argue but my feet move back. I pull the dagger from her stomach as I back away.
I look down at my feet as they turn. A single tear drops from Constantine’s left eye. He offers me something that resembles a smile, “A deal made beyond the gate is a deal sealed. You promised you would fly.”
My feet drag me to the window. I cry out, “NOOOOOO!” My wings rip from my back. I scream, forcing them hurts even more. I fling myself from the window and instantly start to fly. I soar over the town until I see her. I lower in my flight as if on autopilot.
As I get on top of my fleeing mother, I kick my feet out hitting her in the shoulder. She lands hard to the ground. I can barely keep control of myself. Liana and Ezara are there in my mind.
Lillith stumbles as I land on my feet. I hold the dagger out, feeling the blue blood of the dying lady slither down the blade and hilt.
Lillith looks at the blood “You did it. I was trying to tell you, she is an evil queen. She wants the world for herself. Her motives are driven by her hatred of mankind and God. They tricked me, using the man you saw there. He was so beautiful, I believed he loved me…”
I hold the blade up, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” I feel like I am going crazy. Tears pour from my face, “You left me. You let him kill me, not once, not twice, not even three times, but four. You let them torture me, your own child. You let them hurt me over and over, and you never came for me.” I lower the blade, “You never came for me.”
She starts to cry, “He tricked me, Liana. He tricked me into believing we could save you. But it wasn’t true and my heart was broken. I loved you. I swear I did.”
“THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED FOR ME!
She shakes her head, “I could not. I had fallen, my soul was tarnished.”
“Oh bullshit! You could have sacrificed yourself and spared me! God would have forgiven you!”
She backs away from me, and in the bushes I can see the gate. She turns and runs for it, but I manage to grab her arm.
She turns, desperate, “We can still win this, you and me. You and me can still win this and be together, just like you always wanted.”
I shove her, “The difference between you and me, Lillith, is I already died four times for you. I already proved I have what it takes inside of me to sacrifice. I just sacrificed hundreds of years worth of love and devotion. I just sacrificed a friendship worth more to me than you ever could be. I have given all I have to him and you and God and the people.” I step closer to her, seeing something on the shores of the riverbank that she does not. She lifts a hand to strike me but the twitchy redhead upon the shore with the white dress grabs Lillith’s arm first. She tilts Lillith’s head to the side, and in her singsong voice she whispers, “She is ready to give herself to you, sister.”
I don’t think. I don’t let myself. I just swing once, hard. The blade that used to hold my name in someone’s heart, slices the throat of the woman I only ever wanted to have love me.
I drop to my knees, sobbing and broken as something inside of me snaps. A great and powerful pain erupts. Me and the other four girls all feel the same loss. It cripples me. She looks at me from the puddle of blood and smiles, “I forgive you.” The nixie drag her from the gate. I pull my arm back and swing, separating her head from her shoulders. She becomes a pile of feathers, white feathers. I drop into them, like I am falling into a pile of leaves, and sob.
I close my eyes and beg God to just do the rest for me. I haven’t got an ounce of whatever I need left in me.
Four
Fingers stroke my cheeks; they’re hers. I would know the softness of them anywhere. Not to mention, the air around me smells like her. I smile into the stroke but suddenly the memory of slaying my mother comes back. On some level, I feel sick for calling Lillith my mother when I have Willow. I open my eyes, seeing her beautiful face and force a smile on my lips.
Willow shakes her head, “My Nene, you don’t have to pretend with me. Cry, let it out.”
Tears fill my eyes, “All I do is cry. I cry every day now.”
She smiles softly, “It’s a release, my love. It’s a way for us to rid ourselves of the pain and sorrow we are stuck with. Let it out, it blocks your chi.”
I snort, sniffling and wiping my tears away. She smiles, “She forgives you, Rayne. That’s the important thing.”
I feel anger claiming my face, “I don’t care about her. I don’t care if she forgives me. I don’t want it. I’ve never done a thing to her.”
Willow cocks a delicate eyebrow, “You killed her.”
I scoff, venomously, “Then we are nearly even. I only owe her three more deaths and loads of torture.”
Willow puts her hands up, “This isn’t healthy. What abut the Rayne who never held a grudge?”
I sneer, “She’s in here with the rest of us. It’s quite the party.”
“The others are there too?”
I nod.
She smiles, “Then the dead have claimed you. You sleep with your sisters, your past lives. The dead who wish to keep your soul for you. Embrace them, do not hate them. Do not hate Lillith. She was lost when she m
ade her mistakes.”
I stand up abruptly, ready to fight with cruel words and savage thoughts.
Instead, I am dropped from the ceiling onto my bed. I jolt upward, coming awake from my dream in a gasp.
Wyatt wraps his thick arms around me again, “It’s okay, Rayne. It’s okay.”
I start to cry again, “Mona!”
He looks sick, “Where is she? She and Constantine never made it out. The nixie only had you. She told me she had a message for you and left you with me.”
I shake my head, “I have to free them. I have to find them. I don’t even know how. I doubt the garden will show itself to me.” I turn to him, “What did the nixie say?”
“That the blood of Lillith will satisfy the devils or draw them.”
I swallow hard, “What does that even mean?”
He shakes his head, “I got something cleaned up while you were gone. Want to go see them?” He gets up and grabs the picture that Willow and Fitz live in.”
I hold his hand and touch the star.
We are there instantly.
Willow smiles at me, her eyes are filled with tears. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head, stumbling towards her, “I left them there. I can’t get them back. Mona doesn’t even know that I left her there. And Constantine cut my love from his heart to free me, so I could kill Lillith. It’s all a mess.”
She shakes her head, kissing my hair, “It’s okay, Nene. Lillith is dead. That’s half the battle. We can get Mona and Constantine back. They’re safe, the fae won’t hurt them. They are nonviolent people.”
I sigh, “I don’t know what to do. The nixie said Lillith’s blood would satisfy the horsemen? How do I end them with her blood?”
She looks at Fitz who smiles, “We don’t know. You have to have Lillith’s blood.”
I scowl, “Why does everyone keep saying that? I didn’t exactly collect a jar of it as she was bleeding out. She died and became feathers, nothing more than feathers.”
Fitz looks shocked, “She became feathers?”
I nod.
“Did you keep any?”
I reach into my pants pocket and pull a handful of feathers. He points at them, “They might work. Did you clean the knife?”
I look at Wyatt. He shakes his hands, “The nixie gave it to me, it was coated in their sea-water slime.”
“That will seal the blood to the blade. The nixie know what they’re doing.”
I look at Willow, “What are they doing?”
She scowls, “Getting vengeance. They have long been the only witches to believe in Lillith. We tried to tell them, they wouldn’t listen to it. Lillith used them to gain access into the garden. She used them as her go-to people. She made them swear to always aid her. They have spent their lives watching over you, protecting you. They would do anything for you.”
Wyatt gives me a look, “We have always documented them as part of the other versions of you.”
Fitz nods, “The witches have never helped you before this though. The nixie have, but none of the others, and they don’t help each other. Not normally. They warred before, the witch wars, and that was it. They all went their separate ways, controlling their separate types of magic.”
I sigh, “None of this is useful.”
Fitz gives me a look, “I’m trying to help you understand hundreds, thousands of years of history.”
I can see the disappointed look in Willow’s eyes. I look down, “I just mean, how do I get the horsemen and how do I kill them? I’m tired, that’s all.”
Wyatt offers me his hand, “Let’s go sleep.”
I scowl, “I can’t sleep until the dead take me, don’t you see? I don’t…just… just—just sleep. I never rest. I need the blood of Lillith? What does that even mean?” I can feel something building inside of me, “I don’t ever get a minute’s fucking peace from this mess! I just want to be done with it all! I want to go to school and become something other than a poor sin eater! But now I can’t. The whole world is gone. It burned up. My college is probably ash. I’m tired of being homeless and owning nothing and having no one! I have no parents and no home, and my mom is a ghost in a goddamned painting and everyone wants to kill me. Do you have any idea the level of stress I am constantly being bombarded with?”
Wyatt gives me a grin. I scowl, “Fuck you, Wyatt.” I press the star, the one that takes me back to Fitz’s painting. I stand in the room, looking at the painting. The rage is still there, making my breaths laborious and my heart pound. I pull my dagger and stab into the painting, dragging the knife down it. A scream rips from my lips as I do it.
I feel my heart again, I have taken away the one way in which I might see them again. I have destroyed it.
Panic sets in, how will Wyatt get out?
“NO!” I grab the destroyed canvas, pulling the jagged edges together. I slap it on the floor, pressing the edges together but they won’t meet again. The canvas is too tight. I hold it with my trembling fingers, pressing the star.
I bend over the edges of the picture, lying on top of it. I don’t even cry, even though I’ve trapped Wyatt in there. He will press the other star and end up in Boston on the side of the road and alone. On the side of the road in a, no doubt, destroyed city. I close my eyes and hold it. If I hold it maybe I can heal it. Maybe he can come back to me.
Michelle comes into the room, looking exhausted, “Hey, you’re back.”
I nod. She looks around, “Where’s Wyatt and Mona and Mr. Sexy pants?”
I sigh, “Shit. Goddamned shit.”
She flops onto the bed, “Don’t panic. Just start at the beginning of shit and go from there.”
I look down, “We went to the garden and there was a man. Mona got stuck staring at him and Constantine a lady. I murdered the lady and then went to my mom. I killed her with the nixie and they brought me here. Then Wyatt got stuck in that painting, and I ripped it so he’s stuck in there, or he might be in Boston.”
Michelle starts to laugh, “Okay, that sounds like a lot of shit. I don’t even know what that means. What’s the guy Mona found like?”
I shake my head blankly, pretty much dead inside or at least lost in the panic attack I’m having silently.
She nudges me. I lift my head, screaming at her, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ALL WANT FROM ME!”
She slaps me hard, and grabs me, “I’m so sorry, Rayne. That was an accident. I didn’t mean to.”
I burst into tears. “I killed my mom, I didn’t even know her. I don’t think she loved me and I killed her.”
She wraps around me, pulling me into her, “No. Don’t cry. You have Willow.”
I cry harder, “Willow is dead too. Everyone is leaving me.”
“Not me. I’m not leaving you.”
I sniffle, “I don’t know what to do next or where to go. I’m fucking tired.”
She starts to laugh, “I know, babe. I’m tired too.”
I pull her back, “You haven’t done shit!”
She scoffs, “I’ve been reading with Stella every day and every night. I’m beat.”
I laugh, rolling my eyes. “Death by orgasm doesn’t count, ya ho.”
She smiles, “Trust me, that’s not all we do. We mostly research the old Van Helsing books. We got this, Rayne. You tell me what’s next—we got this.”
I wipe my face, “I have to find the horsemen. They will come for Lillith’s blood. I don’t know what that means.”
She looks around the room, “Let’s see if we can’t get Stella and Wyatt’s douche mom to see if they know.”
I hold her to me, “No. I don’t want to tell Stella that Constantine’s gone; she’ll murder me. They’re the last of their family. And Wyatt’s mom is the devil in heels.”
Michelle looks confused. “Well, how should we get the horsemen to come to us?”
I nod to the window, “Go outside.” It’s the instinct I have. If we go outside, maybe they’ll come for us.
She looks hesitant, “Maybe we shou
ld get help.”
I shake my head, “Just come with me, please?”
She nods, “Okay.”
We slip to the far side of the castle and leave. The weather is cold and dark.
“Have you noticed how dark it is all the time?”
I shake my head, looking about the vast gardens and grassy landscape.
“This place looks like Jane Austen movies, huh?”
I start ignoring her, looking around.
“What are we looking for?”
I almost shout at her, but I realize she is the last person with me. She is it. My oldest friend is my last friend. I’ve betrayed and abandoned everyone else.
I shake my head, “If I had to guess, I would say they are huge and smelly and undead sort of. I think of them as the ‘Ringwraiths’ from Lord of the Rings.”
She makes a face, “Great. You sure you don’t want to go get Constantine first?”
I sigh, “I want him to come, I just don’t think he will.”
I can’t tell her about the thing I asked him to do. It kills me inside. At least all the devastation has brought back my feelings.
I have to go to Boston. I have to find Wyatt. I look at Michelle, “Is your phone here?”
She gives me a look, “Where else would it be?” She pulls it from her boobs, of course. I take it and press Wyatt’s name. She has sent him messages in the last two days. They were in the house together texting while I was in the garden? I don’t know how to feel about that, it doesn’t even make sense. It can’t matter right now, and yet, it does. Instead of messaging him, I scroll up as she looks around the massive yard for the huge horsemen to arrive any second.
She has sent him random things.
Asking how he’s doing at 1 am or asking him if he gets lonely at 10 pm. He always responds. It’s out of character. He hates her, doesn’t he? He always acts like he does. She betrayed me.
God, focus, Rayne. Send him a message and see if he’s okay. See if he’s in Boston. See if he made it out. He is your husband for god’s sake.
Instead, I press out of the message app. I dial his number quickly and hang up after the first ring. I pass her back the phone.