When I Know Your Name

by Gemma M. Lawrence

  ‘Then what’s going on?’

  Elena continued to pace as she fought for the words, her hand gripped around her phone and pressed hard against her ear.

  Charlotte sighed. ‘We used to share everything, Elena. Every tiny detail about our lives. But you can’t tell me, can you? You can’t tell me who he is.’

  Pain sliced through Elena’s heart. She was deceiving her friend. Something she’d never done before. She should give Charlotte what she wanted to hear, she should be able to trust her friend, but she was mute, her mind racing, wanting to repair the damage this conversation may cause.

  ‘Do the police know?’ Charlotte asked.

  ‘No, and it’s going to stay that way,’ Elena warned, her jaw tense, her voice low. ‘He has no need to be included within the police investigation, do you understand?’

  ‘But if he has nothing to hide, why would you worry.’

  ‘I’m not worried, because you won’t be going to the police about this. And don’t underestimate the damage it will do to our friendship if you go against me. I’d never forgive you if you go behind my back like that.’

  ‘But this is insane,’ Charlotte said with frustration. ‘You should be around family. You need time to heal.’

  ‘Ha, you’re joking aren’t you?’ Elena cried. ‘You have met them after all.’

  ‘All right, I take your point, but there’s always me. I want to help you. Jake wants to help you. So do Abi and Louise.’

  Elena paused for a moment, listening to the concern in her friend’s voice. ‘Charlotte, I don’t want to fight you over this,’ she said, her heart heavy.

  Charlotte paused, thinking. ‘I feel I should do something,’ she said. ‘I should discuss it with someone. I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you and I did nothing.’

  ‘And tell them what? That your friend, an adult, is spending time with a man that you don’t happen to know. Yes, big problem there. The police would be round here like a shot, dusting the place for prints, I’m sure.’

  ‘I’d appreciate it if you lost the sarcasm.’

  ‘And I’d appreciate it if you took a moment to consider how you’re treating me,’ Elena replied. ‘You haven’t been through what I’ve been through. It’s my battle to fight, and I get to choose how, and with whom.’

  ‘Elena, can you hear yourself?’ Charlotte asked. ‘What could he have possibly done to convince you to abandon everything in your life and go to him, just like that?’

  ‘It’s complicated, Charlotte. I’m not going to deny that, but I’m fine. I’m not vulnerable or at risk. I’m with someone who understands, that’s all.’

  Another silence, Charlotte’s mind evidently racing as much as Elena’s. ‘Elena, this isn’t about drugs, is it? He hasn’t got you hooked on something?’

  Elena looked to the ceiling, feeling the need to stifle her laughter, understanding how much easier that explanation would be. ‘No,’ she said calmly. ‘It’s nothing to do with drugs. I’m as sober as a judge.’

  Charlotte muttered something inaudible.

  Elena continued, not about to give in. ‘Don’t test me, Charlotte. It’ll destroy us. I want you in my life. I don’t know what I’d do without you, but all I know is that I need to be with him right now. I’m in no danger, I promise, and you have to trust me on this. I have a lot of stuff to work through and he’s helping me with that. I’m sorry if that’s hard to take, but I’m not going to change my mind.’

  ‘Okay, okay,’ Charlotte sighed, defeated. ‘I’ll let you be. You’re clearly determined to do this your way, but while you are still my friend, I’m going to be the sanity in all of this craziness.’

  Elena released her breath.

  ‘I want to hear from you regularly, to check that you’re all right,’ Charlotte ordered, in full parent mode. ‘The minute I feel something is wrong or you’re acting strangely, more strangely than you are right now, I will intervene.’

  Elena could have screamed, but if it made Charlotte feel in control and away from outside interference, she’d agree. ‘All right, yes. Fine,’ she said, finally. ‘I realise this is hard for you …’

  ‘No, it’s fucked up and crazy, but, like you say, I haven’t been through what you’ve been through, and if you’re going to stay with him anyway, at least this way I can still be in your life, a stable force.’

  ‘If you feel you must,’ Elena said, wondering what it was in her personality that made others want to control her.

  ‘And I’d like to meet him,’ Charlotte continued. ‘See what the fuss is about.’

  ‘Yes, if you’d like,’ Elena said, already mentally preparing her excuses to delay that from happening.

  ‘I’m always here for you, Elena,’ Charlotte said, her voice softer now, perhaps as exhausted as Elena had become from this conversation. ‘Anytime. Okay?’

  ‘Yes, I know,’ Elena said as tears welled in her eyes. ‘And thank you, but I’m fine. Really.’

  She hung up the phone and resisted the urge to go back to the bedroom, curl under the covers and disappear from her life for a while.

  Feeling more than a little flustered, she tossed the phone on the counter and reached into the cupboard for a mug. She needed coffee now more than ever. Ethan appeared, and she flicked a glance over her shoulder, registering his naked torso and the sweatpants that covered the lower half of his body. He was beautiful, even like this, a bright sun that scorched your eyes if you stared directly into its light. But his expression was dark, serious, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out why.

  ‘I suppose you heard that,’ she said.

  ‘I’m happy to hear that I have your loyalty,’ he replied as he strode across the room to join her in the kitchen. ‘But who spoke to you like that?’ He crossed his arms and leant against the counter opposite her.

  ‘Charlotte,’ she said bluntly, reaching up to grab another mug and the jar of coffee. She loaded the machine, hit the switch and watched as it began to hiss into action. ‘She’s spoken to Mum, about our dinner last night,’ she said. ‘Clearly, everyone knows we’re far from friends and that has made everyone suspicious of who you are. Especially Charlotte – hence the heated conversation. I’m vulnerable, apparently, at risk.’

  He didn’t say anything and she turned to face him, watching as he stared out of the window, thoughtful. The quiet moment intensified the electricity that filled the room, a magnetic pull between her frustration and his anger. ‘Do you trust her?’ he asked, still and unmoving.

  ‘Yes, for now. I wouldn’t tell her where I was, so she thinks I’m under some sort of spell with you. She’s stipulated that I have to get in contact with her regularly to prove I’m still alive.’

  ‘Do you now?’ he murmured, disliking being dictated to, as much as she did.

  ‘I know, it’s not perfect, but what else can I do? She wants to meet you too at some point. I don’t want her to go to the police, and she threatened to do that.’

  ‘Would you like me to search a little deeper into her life, find something that could be used? For leverage?’

  Elena stared, shocked at how easily the words spilled out of him. ‘No. Absolutely not. She’s my friend and although a little heavy-handed, she’s just looking out for me. I’m not going to blackmail her with a past misdemeanour.’

  ‘If you’re sure.’

  She was pumped up from Charlotte’s conversation, overwhelmed.

  ‘I’m not sure of anything,’ she snapped as she turned back to the coffee, clattering about, busying herself with the task in hand, but making a simple cup of coffee was an impossible task with tears clouding her vision.

  She felt his stare sear into her back. ‘Elena, calm down.’

  She threw her head back and closed her eyes in frustration, ‘Jesus, Ethan, I’m trying. This is all so fucked up. And now I feel like everything is falling apart.’

  She turned to face him as he walked to her. ‘No, it isn’t,’ he said. ‘We can handle Charlotte. Give her w
hat she wants.’

  ‘And you’re happy with that?’ she asked. ‘She’s going to be looking for something, anything, that’s going to allow her to go to the police.’

  ‘So let her, I’m not going to do anything to you that will give her that opportunity. At least not anything that she’ll be able to see,’ he murmured as he tilted her face up to his.

  ‘I thought you would protect me from harm?’ she said, the air between them alive with heat and tension.

  ‘Yes, I will,’ he said with a dangerous smile, ‘but how I protect you from myself is, in itself, a little trickier.’

  He placed his arms either side of her, locking them straight, and they stared at one another; fired up. His phone rang out in his pocket, and she waited, expecting him to answer, but he didn’t break his gaze; his focus entirely on her. She shifted slightly under the weight of his body pressed against hers.

  He smiled again, entwining both hands in her hair now, tugging at it to tilt her face up to his. ‘Are you under my spell?’ he asked as his eyes clouded. ‘Is Charlotte right?’

  The game was beginning, and she felt as if she’d stepped into the eye of the storm.

  She held his gaze, refusing to be the one to break first. ‘Does it matter?’

  The slight nod of his head acknowledged her question. ‘No,’ he said as his hand trailed from her hair, his fingers softly clasping her jaw, his palm against her throat. ‘I don’t believe in spells and magic.’

  ‘Neither do I,’ she said, her eyes hungry for him. ‘I know what I’m doing. I want it all, everything you can give me. Everything I know you’ll give me, and I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks.’

  ‘Perfect,’ he breathed as his mouth found hers, firm, and demanding a response. She let out a moan as his lips travelled to her neck, and his teeth grazed over her skin. ‘I like this,’ he said, pulling away only an inch to speak, his fingers trailing down the back of the shirt.

  ‘Well, it is yours.’

  He brought his eyes up to hers. ‘Don’t be smart with me,’ he warned. ‘I meant what’s under it.’

  ‘I know exactly what you meant, and again, it’s yours.’

  That was it, whatever it was that was holding him back snapped, right there, and he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, throwing her down on the bed, making her gasp as he took hold of her hips and hauled her underneath him in one quick move. His eyes burned with desire, almost unseeing as he relied only on the sense of touch, losing the control he always immaculately maintained. She revelled in the knowledge that it was all because of her. He gripped both edges of the shirt and ripped it open, exposing her body to him as the sound of buttons clattered to the floor. He treated her underwear with the same respect and let his hands roam over her skin, caressing her with firm purpose.

  ‘Jesus, Elena, you drive me crazy,’ he said as his eyes drank in her naked body. He cupped a breast with his hand before seeking it with his mouth. She squirmed at the pleasure of it, lost in the euphoria of being the object of his obsession. He plundered, until her ability to think at all began to fade.

  It had never been like this before, and the pace became frantic, his mouth ravaging skin, causing her to buck underneath him and cry out. With one hand he held her face firm, his fingers digging into her skin, and with the other he pinned her wrists above her head, keeping her exactly where he wanted as he kissed her furiously. She moaned, not wanting him to stop.

  But just at that moment, he did stop, suddenly, as if he had just awakened from a dream or a nightmare. He looked down at Elena, really looked at her, clamped tight in his grasp.

  ‘Ethan?’ she said, looking up at him.

  He released his grip and moved from the bed and her. He pulled on the sweatpants that had, only a moment ago, been hastily discarded. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘What?’ she said and sat up, shocked. ‘What’s wrong?’ She watched him dress. ‘Ethan. What went wrong?’

  ‘Did you not feel it?’ he asked.

  ‘Feel what? I don’t understand.’

  ‘We were close to the edge there, Elena. Really close,’ he said as he walked out of the room.

  She hurried off the bed, discarded the torn shirt, and quickly slung a summer dress over herself. ‘Ethan, wait.’

  He stood in the living room and turned to face her. ‘I had to stop myself from losing it in there, and I could have. So, so easily. I could have hurt you. I was capable of anything.’

  ‘But you didn’t hurt me,’ she said as she took a few steps towards him. ‘I let you do all those things you just did. I’m not a nervous virgin bride on her wedding night, I’m capable of telling you if I had wanted to stop, but I didn’t.’

  ‘And why didn’t you? I was too rough with you. You should have told me to stop,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘You should have wanted me to stop.’

  She could only stare at him, confused at what was happening.

  ‘Can’t you see what I’ve done to you?’ he continued. ‘I wanted you, so I set out to do everything to get you, and now you’ll do anything I want. Whatever the cost.’

  ‘No, it’s not like that,’ she said, her heart fluttering with a new panic. ‘I know what I’m doing.’

  She thought of her visit from Dr Jones at the hospital and the apparent syndrome that she could be suffering from. She had dismissed it then and although it rolled through her mind now, it was of little consequence, because whatever she may have, it was set deep within her, and there was no cutting it out.

  ‘Do you?’ he said. ‘I thought we could do this, but maybe you should have walked away when you were released. Had a normal life.’

  She let out a small gasp, the horror of what he was suggesting shaking her fragile world. ‘But I don’t want normal and neither do you.’ She moved towards him again, close enough to touch, but he backed away. An action that made tears prick her eyes. ‘Ethan …’

  ‘But having a relationship with your captor is something else entirely,’ he said with resignation.

  He walked to the kitchen, grabbed a glass, moved to the fridge for water, and poured. He turned to face her and she wanted to go to him, wrap his arms around her again, but something stopped her.

  He swirled the water but didn’t drink. ‘I can’t lose control like that. I don’t want to hurt you.’

  Her heart pounded. His conscience had finally emerged, but she was too caught up in him to leave now. She stared, frozen, not able to move, not able to think.

  He softened when he saw the desperation in her, put the glass down, and held out a hand. ‘Come here.’

  She rushed to him and hugged tight, needing to be close again, to have the contact. ‘Please stop this, Ethan. We can do this, we can work it out. You wouldn’t have hurt me, it would never have gone that far, I know it. I know you.’

  He held her face. ‘Can’t you see? I’ve only been thinking about my own needs. I want to own you, to possess you.’ His eyes were deep pools as he looked down at her, pools that she could drown in. ‘I like making you scream,’ he said as she watched his mouth move. ‘I like taking you to the edge and bringing you back.’ His hands squeezed her hair tight, but there was restraint in him too. ‘But what happens if that moves on to harming you, Elena. What then?’

  Everything slowed, her world full of fear and panic. What they had was nothing like that, nothing at all. She felt that deeply.

  She gently placed her hands over his. ‘You won’t, I know you won’t.’

  He released his hold and laid his hands on the counter, lost in his own torment, somewhere she couldn’t reach him.

  ‘My desire for you makes me dangerous,’ he murmured, his body rigid and still. He exhaled deeply. ‘I know what I said before, about needing you to be mine and I still feel that, like a fire in my fucking chest, but I need to do what’s right too.’ He paused and shook his head. ‘Fuck, I can’t believe I’m doing this.’

  ‘No, no, no,’ she cried. ‘Don’t say it.’

  ‘But I’m
giving you the opportunity to get out of our little arrangement.’

  The grenade was thrown. Her life blown apart. ‘No! You can’t do that! You can’t end it,’ she cried as she shoved him hard. ‘Now you have a conscience? Now you want to let me go? After all you’ve said and done?’ She thumped at his chest, sobbing. ‘You can’t do that to me.’ She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t live in a world where he no longer wanted her and she began to cry.

  He took her hands in his and looked at her, both anger and frustration burning in his eyes. ‘Elena, I’m doing it because of you. I don’t want to let you go, I would rather tear my eyes out, but I am trying to do the right thing for once in my life.’

  ‘Well I don’t want you to,’ she said, her face wet with tears. ‘What about before? You said you’d never leave. What happened to that?’

  ‘Elena …’

  ‘No. Please.’ She clutched his face in her hands, frantic. ‘Ethan, please. Don’t do this. We can work it out. Stay with me.’

  He held her close, buried his face in her hair and she clung to him, desperate to hold on to the most precious thing in her life. Too soon, he pulled himself away and grabbed his phone and strode towards the bedroom, listening to the voice message from the rejected call earlier. She followed.

  ‘Well, you’ll have to throw me out,’ she threatened, swiping the tears from her face, ‘because I’m not leaving. I refuse to make this easy for you.’ She was paralysed by the moment, watching him change into a t-shirt and jeans while she fell apart. He strode back to the living room and she followed close behind. He collected his keys and hesitated, a tortured expression giving away that he wanted this no more than she did.

  ‘Where are you going?’ she sobbed. She had dealt with so much abandonment since her release, but this one hurt the most – deep into her soul.

  ‘I need to go out, and I think it’s best that I do,’ he said with a sigh.