'You were always good to people, John,' Lukas echoed her thoughts, 'I remember arriving in your court depressed and lonely, but within a week you had me loving you, yearning to be physical with you, just because you were so incredibly nice and attentive. And so very appealing, with your sunny face and your gorgeous big body.'
It was clear that it pleased John very much to hear that, but it also hurt him: 'And even if I can believe that people love me, I'm no longer who they
expect me to be, I can't be jolly or tubby anymore, I was diminished and that will never change.'
'But you can offer them real advice now, John,' Melissa put in her two cents, 'and you can give them serious blessings, you still have so much love to give. You don't need to be drunk all day to be a good god of wine and feasting, do you? You can make wine, and celebrate as you do here, with a few glasses, no more. It would be an excellent example.'
Trust a Victorian to see a moral in everything, John thought, but she was right, he could see godhood as a job with a large responsibility, he could manage his estates, and his realm, and his vineyards. And grow coffee-bushes. And be warm all the time.
But the danger.....
'I can never go back,' he said decidedly, 'it is just too dangerous. Hera would let me set things to right, until she had her power back, and then the attacks would start again, and I'd be scared again, all the time, and I'd start to see enemies everywhere, again, and that would lead me to do foolish things again.
I can't do it, I want to lead a small life, and be happy and safe. Another god will take my place, one who is not damaged by fear. I'm not irreplaceable, let someone more worthy have my former duties and the elevation that comes with them, someone who actually wants to be worshipped.'
Now Zeus felt underrated, as if he couldn't control his own wife. She was very vindictive, true, but if the father of the gods ordered her to leave his son alone, she would, and he said so to Dionysus, whose ridiculous new name he could not speak out loud.
But even as he said: 'I will forbid Hera to continue this absurd dislike of you, and she will leave you alone,' his mind automatically tacked 'probably'
to it. For in fact, he didn't expect her to let go, and Zeus still didn't care.
Dionysus was smarter than her, and he had an incredible following, she could never get a hit on him.
'I will not risk my wife and my future children! If you're not even sure, how could I sleep in peace even one night? Your beloved wife would not hesitate to strike out at any of my loved ones. I'd rather raise them here, in a tiny apartment in London in freedom, than on a huge estate in your world, in constant fear.'
'How did you know what I was thinking?' Zeus demanded to know.
'I have friends here who can read even a god's mind,' John answered, 'they warned me you didn't even care whether she continued her blind vendetta against me, even though I never lifted so much as a finger against her.'
John was sitting on the sofa, with Hailee and Lukas in his arms, and he said with determination: 'I'm done with you, my answer is no. I'm very sorry things are going badly back home, but if you had indeed killed me they would not have been any different. I'm glad to have you visit, Hermes, and I'm glad your people are not suffering. You have taken care of them as your duty demanded.
Please leave now, father, and don't come bothering me again, I'm done with godhood.'
And then Hailee spoke up: 'But John, your people need you! You cannot leave them like this, they trust you and depend on you! I thought you had become a better man here, not a selfish one. You have a duty, and you need to perform it.'
John was crushed. To have his beloved wife criticise him like this, call him selfish. He hid his face in his lap and covered his head with his arms, not with them anymore.
'John, I'm sorry,' she said, seeing how much her reproach had stung him,
'I didn't mean to hurt you even more, I meant, can't you just think about it?
There would be compensations, you'd have your own vineyards again, you'd make a lot of people happy, and your family, I don't think you're selfish, John, I know it's for me you want to stay here, you want me to be safe. I was just concerned for all those unhappy people, I was unhappy without you, too.'
He looked up and took her in his arms to console her, for she was crying by now, and he knew she hadn't meant to speak so harshly. She just felt the responsibility, she would make a great wife for a god.
And he did feel the responsibility, too, he even thought he might be able to bear it, Hermes had allowed his people a lot more freedom, and he could do that too, to have more of a life of his own. But that one thing...'
'I would love to go back home, John,' Hailee admitted shamefacedly, 'I'm quite happy here, but it's so cold, and nobody cares, I mean our friends do, but the rest of the people just don't care for others anymore. And they all say it will get worse in winter. I'd rather care and have the power to make a difference.'
'But the danger, love! I can't have Hera murder you in your bed, or whilst we make love, I'd never have a night's sleep, I'd start to become paranoid
again,' John was in terrible doubt. He wanted Hailee to be happy, but seeing her in danger would kill him slowly.
Hermes now stepped in, and asked: 'Do I understand you right that you wouldn't mind coming back if you were certain that Hera wouldn't go for you anymore?'
'I would love to go home,' John said softly, 'I do feel bad for my people, and I want to grow coffee and grapes, and I know about delegating now, so the worship wouldn't be that bad. It's like running a factory, just a lot of responsibility. I would so love to be warm again, really hot.
But I want my wife and future children to be safe.
And yes, I want to be safe myself, for I was always alert for danger. I'd rather be cold than paranoid.'
'As would I, love,' Hailee now admitted, 'you can be a better man here because you are not afraid all the time.'
Hermes bowed and said: 'Then father and I know what our task will be.
We will talk to Hera, and find out her will on this matter, and if she agrees to let you be we will take her here to meet the new you. Can you accede to that?'
'I can,' John answered, 'for Hailee, and for my people. And for coffee.'
'We will be back within a week,' Hermes said, 'things are really bad, we need help quickly.'
As Hermes took his father's arm to go back to the portal, and Paul followed them down the little stairs to put the shield back on, Paul heard Zeus ask: 'What's coffee?'
A cunning plan shaped itself in Paul's mind, and he left it there to let it grow and ripen, if it were any good.
John was still stunned, and he asked his friends: 'Do you think I should go back, to save my people?'
And it was clear he was starting to doubt himself, but Paul said with determination: 'No, John, I don't. It is not due to your disappearance only that things have started to go wrong, it is also the way that the other gods treat their people.
Apparently even those who were not your worshippers liked you, and Hermes is well-liked since he started to take his people seriously. It is the responsibility of the other gods to treat their people better and let them have some influence over their own lives.
But if you do get guarantees you'll all be safe, and you both have a desire
to return, then I think you'll be a very good god, to me, not liking worship is a better trait for a god to have than the opposite.
Ruling a country is hard work, and you seem to realize that, but as Hermes has found out, you do not have to do everything by yourself.
Delegate, and you'll have time to spare to grow grapes and coffee.
We'll miss you, though. I hate to think of our lives without you, we've grown so close.'
John loved to hear Paul confirm his own thoughts, it wouldn't be so bad to rule, for one could delegate.
And the very thought of leaving his friends nearly brought him to tears again, they had saved his life and they had loved him better than anyone exce
pt Hailee. He would miss them, too. But before he would start to imagine his life on a vineyard, he would wait to hear what Hera had to tell him, and most of all, what the elves would tell him about her thoughts, for she could tell him all she liked, if they warned him she was not entirely truthful, he would stay in London not matter what happened back home.
Paul did not want to see his friends leave, he had come to really appreciate John's quiet kindness, and he would miss him very much indeed, but he also thought his friend would be a perfect ruler. He had the experience, his people loved him, and he had no desire for power or obeisance left in him.
With Hailee supporting him, they would have his worshippers back to happiness in no time, and it would be such a good thing for John to have his own vineyard to experiment with plants.
Though John never ate or drank to excess anymore, and didn't make a flashing figure anywhere, he would certainly be able to throw a good party.
He had gained so much feeling and yes, true self-assurance, not the loud bragging which many people saw as self-confidence, but the quiet knowledge that he was a good man and worth loving, his people wouldn't recognize him at first, but when they did he would prove his devotion to their well-being, and they would come to love him even more, just like Hailee.
Only a lot less physical. They both shared, but Paul guessed that John never had three girls gracing his bed at the same time anymore, nor would he ever again. Probably.
Anyway, Paul knew how to influence Hera's mind towards John, and he took care to have everything he needed ready and waiting the very day after the visit, for he had a feeling it wouldn't take a week before they came, the situation sounded rather desperate, their visitors would be coming earlier
rather than later.
And so they did, for the day after that, just after dinner, Hermes came upstairs to ask admittance for Zeus and Hera, his father's spouse.
Paul asked Melissa to make a pot of coffee, using coffee from a small package he handed her, whilst he let their visitors in. She didn't ask any questions, she merely smelled the package and smiled knowingly. He went into the cellar, as Lukas went upstairs to fetch John and Hailee.
The situation was a bit tense, for much was riding on Hera's true thoughts.
Paul assumed Hermes had not told Zeus who had read his thoughts last time he was here, and if the father of most gods were to try to send them out of the room for the conversation, it would be very suspicious but to no avail, for he would not find out the silver statues in the living-room had anything to do with it.
Hera looked about Frances' age, she was not unattractive, but looked very worn down and tired, and she did not seem to have the natural goodness Frances exuded. Paul bowed to her and her husband in greeting, but he couldn't talk to her easily, knowing she had tried to have a helpless boy-child killed, time and time again.
And she had left Rhoda convinced she could never practice magic again, which wasn't true, and the girl had still carried a huge trauma when she came to London, which Hera was supposed to have cured. Paul thought the woman was much like a fraud, but way more powerful.
She did not look powerful now, though. Something was clearly riding her, and when he looked closer, Zeus wasn't looking much better either.
They had not exaggerated, things had clearly been deteriorating rapidly, the goddess who had persecuted his friend without reason and without mercy, was now suffering for it.
That could make her even more dangerous, but if her need to placate her enemy made her hate him even more, it would certainly come out and her thoughts would sign her own doom.
As they arrived in the living-room, the cups and chocolates were already on the table, but Melissa was still in the kitchen and Lukas was not yet back with John and Hailee.
Their guests took the time to admire the room, and soon they heard footsteps on the wrought-iron stairs. Lukas went in front, with Edward on his arm, John was next, and Hailee followed, as if to make sure that John would
not turn around and run off.
John was obviously very afraid of Hera, even though she was not a god here and she showed her difficult situation clearly. Still, being hunted by someone from the moment that you were able to walk cannot but damage a person. Their dear friend must be counting the attacks she made on him at this very moment, and how he managed to escape.
He must be picturing Hailee in that situation, or maybe even a little child of his own, for Hera had shown no mercy to himself as a child, so why would she spare his offspring?
A ringing voice in his head said: 'She is not planning to murder you at the spot, John, besides, you are an easy match to her strength, she is much weaker even than she looks, you could squash her like a bug right now.'
So nice of them to let Paul know, too. If John decided to do what they practically advised, at least Paul could throw up a shield to protect Edward and the furniture. For he supposed he wouldn't protect Hera, he couldn't say he liked her much.
The elves' comment somehow put some heart in John, and Paul touched him as he passed him by, knowing that John would feel strengthened by his little gesture. And indeed, his small friend had lost all the fear in his posture, and had even gained some pride.
And so he should, he wasn't the supplicant here, he was the figure with the power.
But he didn't rub it in, John was not like that, he just sat down on the sofa, flanked by Lukas and Hailee, and Paul led their guests to a seat of their own, and helped Melissa bring in the coffee.
The smell would give it away to Hermes and the others instantly, and as Melissa poured everyone a cup, Paul did indeed see some eyebrows raised.
Hermes said: 'Father, Hera, this is the best invention ever, coffee. Is it Victorian?'
'It is not,' Paul replied, 'I believe it has been known for a century at least, but it is ever improving in flavour.'
They all took a sip of the hot coffee, and of course everyone except Zeus and Hera already knew that this was not their regular coffee, but Frances'
brew, which Paul had asked her for to make John even less expendable.
The divine couple was totally stunned. They did not speak for a minute, but took another sip, and another.
Then Hera whispered: 'That is just incredible. What is it? And when is Dionysus coming?'
That worried even Zeus. Paul didn't think they loved each other, maybe they never had, but to find your divine mate unable to use sight must be disconcerting to anyone.
Lukas, clearly under instructions, got up and delivered Edward into Hermes outstretched arms, where he settled comfortably, looking around with serious dark eyes, as Lukas, back in his herald's role, answered Hera's questions: 'Mistress, we call it coffee, it is made of beans that grow on a bush in very hot countries. And Dionysus is already here, though he goes by the name of John ever since he was left in this city and deprivations greatly diminished him.'
He did not tell her that John was sitting right next to him, let her do some thinking of her own.
Either the coffee was starting to take effect, or her brain did function a little still, but she looked at John in surprise and shock, and said: 'You're him?
But you're half his size, and you haven't said one word.'
And still John didn't speak.
'I expected Dionysus to feel triumph over getting the best of me. You don't look like him, and you don't act like him.' She was still stunned, and frankly, not very well.
Paul looked at Lukas, trying to ask him a question, and Lukas touched his mind and said: 'Neither of them is going to find out if we talk like this, they haven't got the power. She's in a very bad state, she needs love, soon, or she will fade away. But I'm not going to give her love, she repulses me, always has. Either she lives, or she dies.'
Lukas had never refused to heal anyone, even the filthiest beggars he had touched and healed, though not by giving them love. But still, it was clear he felt the same loathing for this once-powerful goddess, who must be totally without humanity.
As
if in answer to Lukas' negative feelings, his little son looked at him and smiled, changing Lukas' feelings for the better instantly, and causing Hermes to melt at the spot, hugging and kissing the little charmer.
Now John spoke, softly, surprisingly gently: 'I don't feel a triumph, Mistress, for not so long ago I was as near oblivion as you are now. It taught me humility, feeling for others, and especially love, true love. For the people I had hurt most, saved me, and I have lived with them ever since.'
He looked around at his friends, Paul, Melissa, Lukas, little Edward, he wanted to stay with them so badly, but the possibility of him staying was diminishing rapidly.
'I know you still don't feel the slightest remorse for what you did to me all those years, when all I ever wanted was to live in peace. You made me who I was, you and my uncaring father here. I have been told I could squash you like a bug right now, and I know my friends wouldn't stop me.
Paul here has even let you taste coffee, I am planning to start growing it on my vineyard when I return home. He wants you to realize I am the only one who can give you coffee, that I am no longer expendable.
But I find I don't care anymore. I suddenly realize I can take care of myself. Once I go through the portal, I will become the most powerful god in your realm, and though I have greatly changed, I guess I will stay very powerful.
And I have friends now, Hermes here and Aphrodite are on my side, and I guess their friends as well.
If I return, I will take care of my followers, and of yours. They will find joy again, and they will drink wine again, and make love, and work. You will feel better within days, and maybe your hate against me will start to burn again.
But I warn you, if you try to kill me again even once, or try to act against anyone I love, I will not flee or take it anymore. I will rise up and avenge myself on you, not just for that one time, but for every time you tried to take my life, every time you took someone from me who was dear to me. And my friends will help.
So choose now, do you want me to come and save you? Or do you get rid of me forever and hope the situation will resolve itself?'
John didn't sound gentle anymore, he spoke with great power, and it was clear that his nemesis took him very seriously.
Past Lives Page 63