by Jo Raven
She makes a strange sound, maybe a sob, maybe a laugh.
I don’t care.
“He’s prettier than I am. Or was. You should see him now, all bulked up.” A knot in my throat forces me to stop and swallow hard. “He’s stronger on the outside, but inside…”
God help me, I’ll reach across the line and kill her for putting him through that hell.
“I didn’t know,” she whispers. “Oh God, not Shane. Never wanted this to happen.”
“What about me? Don’t you care for what happened to me?”
“Oh, you were always strong, Seth. I knew you’d make it.”
“Screw you.” A crack inside my chest tears wide open. “I know he was always your favorite.” More than me, her own son. “He reminds you of my father, doesn’t he? You were in love, and Shane looks just like him.”
She says nothing.
Fuck. Why did I think this was a good idea? There is my answer. She didn’t even ask how I fared in prison. Doesn’t care.
“Do you feel guilty at all?” The need to know is overwhelming. “Any remorse for what you did to us? For the fucking unfairness of it?”
“I don’t know what to say,” she whispers.
Enough of this bullshit. “Goodbye, Mom.”
“Seth…”
I wait, chewing on my rage, on my bone-deep sadness. “What?”
“It’s not that Shane reminds me of your father. It’s that you remind me of myself. And that hurts.”
I disconnect the call and slide down the wall until my ass hits the concrete sidewalk. Fucking awesome.
Hell if that didn’t break me up all over again.
Chapter Eighteen
Manon
The day goes by in a blur, as I run from class to class, and it’s all interesting and kind of stressful, but my mind is elsewhere.
All I can see is a pair of warm, dark eyes, a wicked smile, an inked body sprawled on my bed. All I can hear is his deep voice, whispering my name. And I can feel the pain of his past through the cracks that he allows to show in his armor.
Somehow it all draws me in, the combination of his strength, his gruff sexiness and the vulnerability behind the handsome façade, in ways I never thought possible. Not even sure anymore what it was I felt, or thought I felt for Fred, because it’s nowhere near as strong and deep as what I’m feeling for Seth.
My body needs him. My mind seeks him. Being away from him even for a few hours hurts.
This is crazy.
How did I ever think I wanted Fred that way? Can’t imagine it now. I liked Fred, but the thought of kissing him or touching him? Makes me feel slightly sick.
I need to come clean with Seth about what happened with Fred—what happened and what didn’t, and all these tangled feelings and thoughts.
But I’m scared. Seth probably doesn’t feel that way about me. I mean, the few times I tried telling him, showing him, he just shut down and changed the topic. Told me this doesn’t mean anything.
Jeez, Manon.
Can’t imagine kissing, touching any other guy. Being with anyone else. He was right: whenever I close my eyes, it’s him I see, him I feel.
I need to fight this attraction, these feelings. Maybe it’s all because I was lonely, and scared of the changes in my life. Because he saw me, and listened, and touched me.
What if this time isn’t real, either?
Feel like I’m going crazy. Have to do something to take my mind off Seth. So I call Cassie. She’s been texting me, although not as often as in the past. She’s wary of me, not sure where I stand.
Me neither.
We meet at a coffee shop near the university for lunch. Again she’s dressed in jogging pants, a hoodie and running shoes. With her blond hair in a tight ponytail and no make-up on, she looks unfamiliar.
Pretty, but not impressively so. Kinda sweet and childish-like, with her large blue eyes and pouty mouth.
She gives me a smile, and I smile back.
“Going running?” I nod at her choice of clothes. “I thought you weren’t working at that sports shop anymore.”
“I’m not.” She slides into the seat across from me and puts her bag down with a sigh. “Got a job at a gym downtown.”
“Nice.” I shake my head. “Why don’t you major in something related to sports or athletics if you like them so much, girl?”
I know money isn’t the problem. Her family is well off.
“Nah. Not in a hurry to decide what to do with my life. Or discussing it with my family.”
Family may be the problem, though. From the things she’s told me—few and in between—they don’t get along much. Never thought it might be a reason she hasn’t gone to college.
Maybe it’s not. Maybe taking your time to find out what you really want to do with your life isn’t a bad plan, after all. I had mine mapped out since I was twelve, and where did that take me?
Not where I thought, that’s for sure. And right now, I’m not sure that deviating from that path I’d set for myself is a bad thing. The classes are interesting, the prospects fascinating, and meeting Seth was…
Crap, no. Stop thinking about him for five minutes. Take a break.
“So, you and Fred good? Any romantic plans for the weekend?”
“Me and Fred are done.” I watch her eyes narrow. She isn’t surprised. “You knew this would happen, didn’t you?”
She shrugs. “You didn’t sound like you were really in love with him. Sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I whisper. God, did everyone know before I did?
“And what about Seth?”
“God, Cass, let me catch my breath, okay?”
She wags a finger at me, grinning. “I knew it. You want him. Can’t hide from me.”
I can’t, can I? “I don’t know what to do.”
“Go drag him to your bed and screw like bunnies. There you go. Anything else I can help you with?” She winks.
Christ. I smother a laugh under my hand. “Cass.”
“Don’t go all virtuous virgin on me now. I bet you’ve done it already with Sethy, haven’t you?”
Oh boy. Familiar heat suffuses my face. Yeah, no way to hide.
“Yes!” She punches the air triumphantly.
“Cass, what if the one I want isn’t good for me?”
“Define good.”
“He’s a bad boy.”
“Don’t let tattoos or that attitude fool you, girl. Look deeper.”
Right. And look at this, Cassie giving me love advice.
“Fred is an artist,” I mutter. “We connected that way.”
“And Seth isn’t?”
“He is. He draws like nobody I’ve ever seen, but it’s not the same. The conversations I had with Fred…”
“… you can keep having them with Fred. You can have others with Seth. Why not? Doesn’t he have interests?”
“He does.” Like herpetology, and who knows what else? “Won’t he be annoyed that I’m going to college and he isn’t? Won’t he feel, I don’t know… inadequate or something?”
“Will he? Does he give you that impression?”
“No.” Crap, not at all. He’s so supportive it’s hard to believe it. “I don’t know, Cass. I hardly know him.”
“So get to know him. Are you done protesting and trying to deny what you feel?”
That shocks a laugh out of me. “Is that what I’m doing?”
“Hell, yeah. You’re shooting this thing down before it even takes off.”
She’s right. I am. “What if he’s not really interested in me?”
“You kidding me, right?” She reaches out, puts her hand over mine. “Trust me, girl, that boy has been staring at you for months now. He’s been eating you up with his eyes. He wants you, badly.”
There’s a lump in my throat. “Really?”
“Cross my heart.”
“Okay. And now he’s had me. What if that was all he wanted?”
“Did he say that?” Cass frowns. “That he doesn�
�t want more?”
It’s not normal that she can read me so well. Is she psychic?
“Something like that.”
“Damn.”
Yeah. “And the worst is that…” I swallow. “I want more. I realize that now. With him. All the things you said—about wanting to kiss him, touch him, spend time with him… just lie in bed with him, or talk with him… I want all that. With Seth.”
Saying it out loud makes it so real it hurts.
“There’s something I want to admit, too.” Cassie taps her fingers on the table, and her mouth twists. “About Jesse.”
“I thought you told me everything? About feeling you and Jesse were so similar. About protecting Amber. What else is there?”
She chews on the inside of her cheek. “Damn, I told you all that, huh?”
“Were they lies?”
“Hell no.” She sighs. “I told you the truth. But that’s not all.”
“Seriously, Cass.” I find myself leaning forward, curious in spite of myself. “I’m afraid to ask.”
“It’s just that…” She leans back in her chair. “I don’t really want Jesse. Never did.”
“Could have fooled me.”
“I know. I fooled everyone, I think. Including the one I wanted to fool. Didn’t realize the joke was on me.”
“What are you talking about? You’re saying…” I wet my lips. “Who?”
She smiles but her lower lip trembles. “Someone who doesn’t want me. Who only talks to me if he has to. Who now thinks I’m a dirty slut.”
Christ. “You want one of the boys. The Damage Boys.”
She nods. “That’s right.”
“And why…?” I shake my head, confused. “Why fool him? Why pretend you want another?”
“Because like I said, he doesn’t want me. He’s so distant with me, not letting me even touch him. My pride was hurt. I was pretending I didn’t give a damn. But I do. And I’ve gone and fucked it up even worse.”
“The guys are easy-going. Can’t imagine anyone so uptight they wouldn’t let you touch them, well, at least before you went and kissed Jesse and got them all riled up. Except for Shane, I…”
Her expression shifts to horror, and my heart sinks.
“It’s Shane, isn’t it?” When she nods, I rub my eyes.
God.
He sure is handsome, but as distant as the stars. He’s, like, trapped behind a wall of ice. The few times I stood near him I barely heard a word come out of his mouth. Tall, dark and mysterious—the exact opposite of Cass, the loud and flirty blond bombshell.
Who’s now looking at me like a lost little girl, her eyes wide and sad.
What do I say? You screwed up, Cass, real bad… If you ever stood a chance with Shane before, now it’s all over?
“I screwed up, right?” she asks, and yeah, she did.
But she’s my friend, and nobody died, so I guess it’s time I proved I’m her friend, too.
“We all screw up from time to time, Cass. It’ll be okay, you’ll see.” I smile and she gives me a watery smile back. “And if Shane didn’t notice you before, well now you sure have his attention, right?”
“Damn, you’re right.”
She laughs, a strangled sound, and I laugh, too. People stare as we giggle uncontrollably, wiping at our eyes. Too much tension, too much drama. Too many feelings. And we laugh and laugh, weeping, letting it out.
“I’ll tell Seth,” I gasp after a while, sitting up straighter. “How I feel.”
Cassie nods, rubbing her hands over her face. “You do that.”
Too many half-lies and untruths, too many ambiguities. If there’s one thing Cassie’s story tells me is that I need to come clean.
No matter how much the thought of his rejection scares me.
***
Still, I put off talking to him. My excuse is the new classes, the notes I have to bum off people I hardly know, my meetings with professors to let them know about myself and why I suddenly appeared in their classrooms. Show them my transfer papers. See what I need to catch up on.
Need to call my mom, tell her about this new turn in my life.
But I put that off as well. One thing at a time, right? Get settled into this new timetable, talk to Seth, and then my mom.
As it turns out, though, it’s not any of them I talk to first. It’s Fred.
He calls as I climb into my car after doing the rounds of the professors and lecturers, and I answer without even checking the caller ID.
“Madeline?” He sounds unsure, which is unlike Fred, but I know his voice too well. “Hello?”
I still. Everything around me stills. A wave of anger and sadness rises inside my chest. “Hey.”
“How are you doing? Haven’t heard from you lately.”
“Yeah. Been busy. You know, changing my studies, like I told you. Letting the system win. Giving up. Turns out giving up is an exhausting process.”
Okay, I’m being a bitch, but he’s a lying cheat, so we’re not even close to getting even.
“Gosh, Madeline. I didn’t mean it that way, and you know it. The giving up part.”
“Do I?” I grip the steering wheel with one hand. “There’s a lot I don’t know, apparently. Like the fact that you won’t kiss me, but have no trouble whatsoever kissing the busty blonde I saw you with a few days ago.”
Good lord, was it just a few days ago?
“You saw… Oh, Madeline. Shit.”
“Yeah, that’s right. Shit.”
A pause. I think he’s swearing, but I can’t make out the words. I prepare to hang up. So much for explanations.
He clears his throat. “Hey, can we meet? I need to talk to you.”
“We are talking.” And I’m not sure I want to see him.
“Please, Madeline. I swear I can explain this. You mean a lot to me.”
Bullshit. He’s a frigging liar.
Then why do I hesitate? Why don’t I just send him to hell?
“Please,” he says again. “Can’t do this over the phone. Are you at the university?”
“Yes.”
“Meet you at Steep and Brew? I can be there in ten minutes.”
“Fine.”
I’ll go. If only to look him in eye when I say goodbye.
***
The coffee shop is full. It’s a favorite stop for students, and it’s lunch time, so I have to wade through the crowded place, looking for Fred.
In my mind’s eye, I see the kiss he shared with the blonde on repeat and anger is like a jagged rock in my chest.
Coming here was a mistake. I stop, turn around. He has no excuse for what he did, no excuse I’d accept. What an asshole. He treated me badly and Seth… Seth taught me I deserve better.
My pulse is racing. Yes, this was a mistake. Who cares what Fred has to say for himself? I don’t care. I only want to see Seth, hide in his arms, feel his heart beat against mine.
“Madeline! Back here.”
Crap.
Sighing, I turn, and there is Fred, waving at me from a table. He even has a cup for me, and I know as I approach it’s my favorite, pumpkin spice coffee.
I should be touched or something, but I’m only annoyed. Annoyed he decided to start being thoughtful now, annoyed by his blue eyes and wide smile, his black-rimmed glasses. By all the things I used to find adorable.
But I’m also glad to see him. How screwed up is that?
Sitting down, I wrap my cold hands around the mug and try to sort through my feelings. “Hi, Fred.”
He beams at me, but when I don’t return the smile, he frowns. “You’re really upset with me, aren’t you?”
“What do you think?”
“Yeah. Right. I get it.”
“Do you?” I inhale the aroma of the spiced coffee and try to relax. “You hurt me. You lied to me. Why?”
God, I want to know. I may not have real feelings about him—not as intense and deep as I do for Seth—but he’s my friend. Or was. I thought we shared a connection. An und
erstanding.
“Look,” Fred says and pushes his mug away, still full. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I really am. Sorry that I wasn’t one hundred percent honest.”
“Or at all?” I glare at him. “Seriously.”
“Okay. Fine. Look, I just wasn’t sure.”
“About what? Me?”
“No. Good God, no.”
“Then?”
He sends me a strained smile, and I have no clue what this is about. “About me. Myself. What I want.”
“Jesus, Fred. Spit it out.”
He winces. “I thought maybe… maybe I like guys.”
My mouth is hanging open. I really didn’t see this one coming. Or rather, never let my mind consider it, because this is Fred. The guy every girl on campus wants.
“Okay.” With an effort, I restart my frozen brain. “Brandon? Your practice buddy. He the one you like?”
“Yeah.” He gives me a sheepish look. “But I didn’t want to say anything without being sure. I wanted to try with girls, too.”
Girls. Other girls. Not me.
“I didn’t want to use you as an experiment,” he goes on. “You’re too nice for that.”
I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t appreciate the fact he was sleeping around to determine what he really liked without telling me.
“And what is your conclusion?” I mutter.
“Christ, you make it sound so cold. Like a clinical experiment.”
Well, I am still angry. “Just tell me.”
“I think I like both, but girls more.”
Okay. “And what about the blonde?”
“I only saw her a couple of times. There’s nothing going on.”
Jesus. Even if I believed that…
“Madeline. Would you give me another chance?”
It takes me about half a second to decide.
“I’m sorry. No. I can’t.” I feel slightly guilty, because deep inside I’m pretty sure I never really wanted him that way, either. “You’re a great guy, Fred. I hope we can still be friends.”
And the funny thing is, I really mean this.
“I see.” He groans, rakes a hand through his sandy hair. “I screwed up. You found someone else, didn’t you?”
I bite my lip, not sure I want to mention Seth. Not when I don’t even know what we have. “Being friends with me can’t be so bad.”
“No, it’s not.” He huffs and smiles. “Friends. Sure, why not? We can try that.”