by Donna Alward
This wasn’t just about them and their past relationship, although that was far from resolved. It was about Jonas and his health. And he could deny it all he wanted, but he needed help. She couldn’t just wash her hands of it and send him away. There was Emma to consider. Despite knowing it would be simpler if she pushed him away, her heart couldn’t let her do it. Not when he needed someone.
She sighed, licked her lips nervously. Who was she fooling? She wanted to help him, needed to. She cared what happened to him. She’d never really stopped caring for him. Today she’d had a glimpse of how good it could have been for all of them. And it had surprised her how natural it had felt, even after all these years. It was no longer a question of whether she’d done the right thing by keeping Emma a secret. They were a family of sorts now. Families stood by each other. Even when it hurt.
Just before they reached the house, she motioned to a small brick bungalow. “Pull in here,” she said.
She took Emma with her and rang the bell.
When her neighbour, Patty, answered, Shannyn didn’t beat around the bush. “Could Emma stay and play for a bit?”
Patty knit her brows. “You okay?”
“Yeah, but something came up. If it’s too much of a bother…”
Patty looked down at Emma and back at Shannyn with a smile. “We’re just having a barbecue. Lisa’s in the back playing by herself, so the company would be welcome.”
“Thanks Patty. I hope it won’t be for long.”
She knelt before Emma. “I’ll be back to get you later, honey.”
“Are you going to make Daddy feel better?”
Shannyn’s smile wobbled at the concern on Emma’s face. Her baby shouldn’t have to worry about things like this. “I’m going to try. We need to talk about some things, that’s all.”
She stood and ruffled Emma’s hair. “Thanks again,” she said to Patty. She lifted a hand in farewell and jogged back to the truck where Jonas waited. Climbing into the cab, she knew he’d built a wall around himself. She could sense his isolation, see it in the cold, stony expression molding his features, the stiff way his hands gripped the steering wheel. Breaking through that wall wasn’t going to be easy.
She unlocked the front door and led them into the quiet house.
“Shannyn, I’m sorry. I frightened Emma and upset you, and ruined our day.” The apology was perfunctory, devoid of true remorse. He was still behind that wall, giving her what he thought she needed to hear.
She turned at the kitchen counter. If she wanted answers, real ones, she was going to have to come at it strong, push her way through. “Yes, you did. And I want to know why.”
He looked past her, through the window at the empty backyard. “It’s complicated.”
“I think I got that.”
He turned his head a little and met her gaze. She knew he didn’t want to talk about it. She also knew he had to let it out if they were going to move forward and establish some sort of status quo.
“Shannyn, you don’t know what you’re asking.”
“I’m willing to take that chance.”
“Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m not willing to put you and Emma through this.” He spun away, running his hand over the stubble on his jaw. But the veneer was starting to crack.
Shannyn looked at him. Why did he mean so much to her? It went so much deeper than the fact that he was Emma’s father. She stared at his broad shoulders, the way his combat trousers sat on his hips. It was more than attraction to his physicality. She remembered the sight of the jagged scar running down his thigh. It wasn’t sympathy, either.
The truth of the matter was, six years ago he’d been the only man she’d ever loved. She hadn’t loved anyone since. And she knew she hadn’t imagined their connection, no matter how he’d gone off and left her. There was something elemental between them, something tethering them together and as much as she’d denied it to herself over the years, being with him again changed everything. It was his energy, the glimpses she got of it now and then. It was his sense of honor and his strength. It hurt her to see that strength tested; to see the battle he was waging with himself.
Their connection was as strong as ever. Perhaps even stronger. Too bad she’d already learned that the happily ever after she’d dreamed of as a child didn’t really exist.
“Jonas, please look at me.”
When he turned back around, her heart wept for the broken man before her. Whatever had happened, more than his leg had been wounded. Something that would explain why he didn’t consider himself a hero. Or why he kept distancing himself from her. Why he kept disappearing into himself.
“It’s about time you trusted someone with it. And you know you can trust me.”
“You’ll look at me differently.” His throat bobbed as he swallowed.
“Don’t you know me better than that by now? I know you.” She went forward, touched the hairline just above his ear with a tender hand. “I know you better than anyone. We might not like it, but it’s true. Please let me in.”
“Let’s go outside. I need…I need space. And air.”
She opened the patio doors and they went out, taking chairs on the tiny deck overlooking the yard.
“I don’t know where to start.” He leaned forward in the chair, resting his elbows on his knees, hands clasped.
Shannyn reached over and took his hand in hers. Somehow the simple contact linked them, more than just a handclasp. It was trust. Acceptance. A bond that went far deeper than attraction.
“Why don’t you start with what it was like serving in Special Forces? We’ll take it from there.”
Jonas looked down at their joined hands. His was wide and scarred, hers slender, dainty. They were so different. Shannyn was being more than understanding. How much of that would change when he’d told her the truth? Would she look at him with shock, or derision? Yet, after today and his outburst at the air show, he knew he had to do something. It had been too long, and the past was still stuck in the present. He had to move forward, somehow.
He pulled his hand away and started to get up. “Maybe it would be better if I talked to someone on base,” he prevaricated. It was a weak argument and he knew it. But somehow he had to spare her the details. He didn’t care what she said. When she knew what he’d done, she’d be disappointed at best. Disgusted, more likely.
“You don’t need to protect me, Jonas. I grew a thick skin the day I realized I was pregnant and alone.”
He sat back down. She didn’t understand, not at all. Perhaps she’d always hate him for leaving her behind. And he couldn’t tell her the real reason why he’d left as he had. Maybe she was right. Maybe he did need to tell her what had happened. Once she knew what kind of man he really was, he wouldn’t have to worry about protecting her in the future. Or worry about her getting ideas about them that wouldn’t work. She’d send him packing and they could just move on to working out a visitation schedule.
She was strong. He got that. She had pulled herself up and had done a find job of making a life for herself and Emma. But her lifestyle was far removed from the places he’d been or the things he’d seen. Even now, still dressed in her cute shorts and T-shirt, she was a picture of unspoiled beauty. He was anything but unspoiled. He was more convinced than ever that it wouldn’t work between them.
Flirting had been fun. Kissing had been great. But today’s episode reminded him very clearly why being with Shannyn was impossible, and why he’d insisted on friends. He’d allowed himself to forget. Telling her about Chris would create the distance he needed so he wouldn’t have the power to hurt her again.
“You want to hear about what it was like?” His voice came out stronger than he thought possible. “I loved my job. Sure, it had its downside. In the Middle East it was hot, and dusty, and being a sniper is a lot less glory than you’d imagine. You spend a lot of time waiting. And a lot of time isolated.”
“But you had friends.”
“Yeah.”
He stopped,
surprised at the lump that appeared in his throat. “You probably don’t remember Chris Parker.”
“The one from basic. Sandy blond hair and devilish blue eyes.”
He closed his eyes. She did remember him. And her description put a picture in his mind, one of Chris in full camouflage gear, his head tilted back and laughing. They’d constantly teased each other about nothing at all. It had been the saving grace in a lot of monotony.
“Yes, that’s him. He was my partner. Snipers work in pairs. Being with Chris…it was the closest I felt to being home. He was like a brother.”
“Was.”
He couldn’t look at her. “Yes, was. He was killed the day I was wounded.”
He expected sympathy, but instead she simply said, “I’m sorry.”
Shannyn angled her chair so she could see him and rested her arms on her knees, inviting him to continue. “Tell me.”
A muscle in his jaw twitched, moving the tattoo on his cheek. The moment of fun, the touch of her fingers on his skin as she applied the sticker was far removed from their conversation now. The silence drew out for several beats.
“We were on assignment, nearly a year ago now. It was so hot it was like the sun had teeth. We were behind a knoll, over a mile from a village.”
“Where?”
He chanced a look in her eyes before his gaze skittered away. “It doesn’t matter where.”
She translated it easily. “Covert.”
“We waited over three hours for our mark to be in position. Chris was the spotter, I was the shooter.”
Again he paused, taking his time, deciding what to tell. “When it was done, we hiked back to our rendezvous point and met up with the convoy that was to take us to the airfield.”
He stopped and at his silence, she prodded gently, “What happened?”
He stared at a point somewhere past the back fence of the yard. “It had taken longer than we expected. There were…children involved. Children, Shan.”
His haunted eyes probed hers, asking her to understand. “There were children there, holding guns. What kind of person gives a child a gun and gives them the burden of killing another human being?”
“I don’t know.”
He shook his head, as if he still couldn’t believe it. “So we waited until the perfect time. But our delay meant the convoy was late getting out. I convinced them to take a shortcut, a different route. Chris and I were in the first vehicle, joking and laughing when we hit an IED.”
The picture threatened to take over again, but he focused on her eyes, determined to go on with the story. “You have to understand…an Iltis is a light vehicle. It isn’t built to withstand that sort of blast. We were thrown clear. The driver and the private beside him were wounded. My thigh was shattered, but Chris…Chris was dead.”
When she looked at him his eyes were filled with unshed tears. What she saw inside the shimmering depths cut her deeply. It wasn’t just the loss of his best friend. The wound went so much deeper than simple grief. There was blame, regret, all pointed directly at himself.
“Seconds before, we’d been joking about his fiancé finding someone else. And because I insisted on a shortcut, he’s gone. If I hadn’t suggested that route, we never would have hit that IED and we’d both still be out there. My arrogance and impatience cost him his life.”
Shannyn took her time answering, because she knew she had to get the words right. Oh, it was all so clear to her now. She could tell he was wearing guilt like a heavy shroud, carrying its weight every day. Feeling like he’d failed not only his friend but himself.
Quiet settled over the deck and birds sang. Shannyn wondered if birds still chirped in the places he’d been. How difficult it must be for him to come back to a place with such simple pleasures, to people who understood nothing of what he’d faced. She was one of those people. The least she could do was try.
Again she reached over and took his hand in hers.
“You didn’t kill him, Jonas. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But it was. It was my decision. I wanted us to get a move on, get to the airfield and get out.”
“And would there have been any guarantees that nothing would have happened if you’d gone the other way? Done things differently? Who’s to say there wouldn’t have been someone waiting to ambush you? The news is full of stories like that.”
He shook his head stubbornly. “That’s not the point. The point is, it was my decision, I made it, and now he’s dead.”
“You make it sound like you pulled the trigger.”
“In a way, I did.”
She grabbed his other hand in her and squeezed. “You look at me.”
When he did resistance masked his face. Oh, he was going to be a stubborn nut to crack. But now that she had an idea of what he was dealing with, she could at least help him move forward.
“You’ve been carrying this around ever since, haven’t you?” When he didn’t reply, she persisted. “This is eating you up inside, Jonas. I’ve been so focused on you and Emma that I didn’t notice enough. I saw you were troubled but passed it off. But after today…I know it’s not something you can ignore anymore. I think it’s time you did something about it.”
He sat up straighter, pulled his hands away, his brow wrinkling a bit in the middle. “What are you talking about, Shannyn?”
“What I’m talking about is getting you some professional help.”
Chapter 11
“A shrink? Don’t be absurd.”
Jonas got up from his chair and stalked to the door, sliding it open and escaping away from her, into the kitchen. She wished he wouldn’t run away. Why couldn’t he see that she was only trying to help him?
He had to know she was right or it wouldn’t be such a sore spot. Shannyn got up and followed him.
“Jonas, you can’t deal with this alone and I’m pretty sure I can’t help you the way you need. I had no idea it was this big. I knew you were different somehow. I could feel it. But you obviously can’t go on this way.”
“I can manage.” He folded his arms in front of his chest.
“Jonas, for God’s sake, put your pride away. I know you, remember? You’re blaming yourself and it’s tearing you apart. What would it hurt to talk to someone who deals with this sort of thing?” She longed to reach out and touch him, but held back, knowing she had to stay focused on the issue at hand.
“Look, we can check local therapists. Or maybe there’s someone on base you can talk to. This has to be pretty common after deployment, don’t you think? The army must have resources.” She reached out and grabbed his wrist, the contact sending a current to her toes.
Tears stung her eyes as she felt more torn than before. Wanting to be free of his hold on her and needing to help him, all mixed up with what was best for Emma. He could be so stubborn. “Please, Jonas,” she whispered, squeezing his hand. “You need to get help. Your leg is nearly healed. But you’re still hurting, inside.”
“I can’t go there. I’m sorry.” He pulled away and put the book down on the counter. But she noticed his hands were shaking.
“You’re scared.” She shook her head at him. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to take out a billboard or put an announcement in the paper. I’m just saying you should talk to someone who knows how to help you the way I can’t.”
“And let it get around the base?”
Obstinate. For a moment she wondered how many soldiers came back to the same thing and were too proud or ashamed to get the help they needed. Tough guys who thought they could handle it alone. Or maybe they were looking for help and struggled to access it. But she couldn’t be concerned about others right now. She needed to help this man. The father of her child. The man she’d once loved.
“Then go off base. Find an independent doctor.”
He started pacing, his hands braced on his hips. His gait was stiff, like he’d suddenly tensed everything in his body. Now that she knew about Chris Parker everything fit. And that was only one incident
over the course of several years. How many other demons haunted him? It would be naive to think that he hadn’t had other experiences that affected him deeply. Perhaps not as much as that of the death of his friend, but cumulatively…no wonder he was a mess. She wanted to take the pain away for him, but knew she was helpless to do so. Her only hope was to make him see that he needed it for himself.
He stopped pacing and looked at her. Every one of his features held some measure of pain.
“Why are you doing this? To keep me away from Emma? Are you angry about the other day? Why are you punishing me?” His arm swept wide, anger his new armor.
“Of course I’m not punishing you. You’re doing a fine job of punishing yourself.”
“I don’t believe you. You wanted to keep Emma from me all along. And when you couldn’t anymore, you decided to…”
His gaze changed suddenly, calculating, assessing her. “That’s it, isn’t it. You’re angry about what I said Thursday. About being just friends.”
The abrupt change in him threw her off balance. What did he mean? This was about him and the disturbing flashbacks. It had nothing to do with her.
“What are you talking about?”
“You came on to me during my session. And when that didn’t work, you kept it up during coffee. Only it didn’t turn out the way you wanted.”
Her mouth dropped open. “That’s ridiculous. I’d never do something so manipulative.”
“You don’t think keeping Emma from me was manipulative? Why in the world would I trust you?”
Shannyn’s lip quivered. Didn’t he understand how important this was? She could barely get the words out. “How did this suddenly become about me?”
“You’re the one who had a secret. If I hadn’t shown up, I still wouldn’t know about Emma. So don’t pretend my problems matter to you.” He braced his hands on his hips, looking satisfied with himself.